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This AM after hubby took kids to the bus, he told me our newly adopted oldest (9) girl told him she only had one pair of jeans to wear because they were the only ones that didn't make her look fat.
ACK!
She's well-proportioned, maybe too thin. The kids were in state custody and had been malnourished, so it's been an effort to feed them correctly and enough! We don't do candy, sodas, or fast food. I'm not too crazed about 'healthy,' they get granola bars and occasional treats but mostly fruit, veggies, proteins, etc. They see us take care of ourselves and we've explained what good nutrition is all about.
But that's not my question.
I want to talk to her this afternoon, but don't want 'screw up' (the bane of every parent). I'm thinking along the lines of asking her to think about her friends and their bodies. How they are all different. Some are tall, some are short, some are round, some aren't. Then asking if she dislikes someone because they look different and letting that conversation flow.
I'd also like to explain that she's growing and her body is going to be doing A LOT of changing in the next few years. And that I'll be here to help her through it and all we can do is put good food into her so her body comes out just the way God inteneded!
Good or bad?
Should I ask WHY she thinks she's fat? I remember one day we were outside playing and she grabbed her thigh (that jiggly part we all love!) and said "Look at that fat" and I had her stand up, then squat, and I showed her how the muscle tenses and relaxes. Was that enough?!?
Kids get so many bad messages these days from the outside, the pressure is enormous for them to be perfect. But it sounds like someone may have put that idea that she is fat in her head before she got to you.
I think the ideas you have for talking with her are great. They focus on the healthy and that is what is most important.
I have a 10 year old and she says the same things, even though we always do what your family does- focus on healthy eating with occasional treats like ice cream or soda.
I tell my 10 yr old that it's completely normal to fill in a little (get a small belly) then grow like a nut and lose the belly. Matter or fact, she just went through a phase doing that exact thing. Now she looks too skinny to me and I have no issue telling her, "eat something, girl. your withering away!".
Keep working with your daughter and showing her the healthy way to look at her weight. She will look to you for her example if not right now, sometime in her future. It will be her building block as she grows.
Is she in therapy? If not, she really needs to be. Aside from the health and nutrition issue, many young girls (especially those that have been through trauma, and if she has been adopted at 9, I'm guessing that her life has not been un-traumatic..) will feel the need to control the 1 thing they can- food and their bodies. The other issue that she should be talking to someone about is self-acceptance. Are there any programs that you might enroll her in that would give her an opportunity to be recognized for her character, skills, talents.... anything except her looks? (Softball, 4-H, Garden Clubs, etc?)
Some areas also offer groups for girls that promote self-esteem- maybe you can ask her guidance counselor if there any such programs in your area?
There may be a different reason she doesn't like the jeans and "fat" is an excuse she has seen used in the past. The thigh jiggle.... something she saw someone do.
I will say. some jeans are cut differently. I noticed my teenage son looked a little "rounder in the bottom"... I figued out he was wearing my jeans. My littlest (about this one's age) will find all kinds of "flaws" in clothes she doesn't want to wear. They're too faded, they're too new looking, blah blah blah.
I wouldn't attack the "fat" statements directly. Then you are putting weight to her statement. I would let a counselor lead that particular convo.
I would put an emphasis (which looks like you do) on healthy v/s fat and skinny.
My daughters went through a phase where if someone at school made a negative comment about something they didn't like it anymore. OR they would break it. Kids are so mean and I seriously think they only said stuff to see them destroy something they liked themselves. Here is what I would do.
First I would let her pick out a pair of jeans and tell me why she likes them. See if she can verbalize 2-3 reasons if possible. Give her reasonable guidelines such as "They can't be worn out looking with holes in them" or "They have to be regular length jeans not capris" for school. Whatever clothing rules you have in place. When she makes comments I think it is reasonable to respond with "Little girls are not supposed to be totally skinny, if they are they don't grow properly" or something along those lines.
My daughter is 12 fixing to turn 13. Even though she is extremely fit and very little fat on her she still makes fat comments. I tell her to flex that muscle and she sees it is NOT flabby when tensed. That is usually all it takes. The biggest problem I have is my ex-husband is a JERK and makes comments to my daughters such as "Don't drink/eat ____________ or you will be fat like your mom." I think it is good to have a healthy diet with active lifestyle (I know I am lacking in this regard) but he makes them paranoid about things like that when they don't need to be. So we keep it positive and discuss the good things about looking fit and healthy.
The bus is 30 minutes away and I think I'm on track. I may just ask why she even said it in the first place. It may just be that someone has said something unkind and that's the entire basis (can I hope?!?!)
And yes, she is in therapy. There are three of them (two girls, one boy). Luckily they were more or less just neglected. Obviously via food and neglect. Moved around schools, no training (silverware, cleanliness, taking care of a home/things, etc). One of the state's conditions is that they are all in counseling and we've found a wonderful one! I will certainly mention this to her during her session!
All in all, they're adapting (we all are!) and settling in nicely.
It's so nice to have a forum like this for a quick bit of advice! Thanks all!
If you have time, now or later, search 'airbrushed' on google. Watch the videos and read the articles, then share them with your daughter. They are an eye opening view of our modern culture and what it is doing to set unrealistic expectations for female body image.
Not EVERYBODY needs therapy.
ALL girls think they look fat. ALL WOMEN think they look fat at one time or another. Should we ALL be in therapy??
I believe you took what you quoted out of the poster's context. She was referring to the child's life before she was adopted by the OP. (And as an aside, a woman believing she's fat is a little different than a nine-year-old believing it!)
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