Why have I failed to connect to people in Tempe? (Phoenix: 2014, new home)

[freewheelingvagabond]

Okay, a bit of a rant. Please accept my apologies in case you are offended or find anything inappropriate.


But I'm just trying to reiterate my experiences. It's fine if you bash me, but I'm really interested in figuring out if I'm missing something.


I moved in here about three years ago, and shifting out of Arizona in May (thankfully! - more than anything else, can't stand the weather). In all this time, I've experienced that people in Tempe are some of the unfriendliest (or perhaps uninterested...) lot I've ever encountered. This is based on my experience in bars, eateries, dive bars, coffee shops, buses and other public places. Almost every time that I tried engaging in a conversation with anyone, it always degenerated into a monologue. People are just not interested in talking. And this specifically applies to my age group (I'm male, 29).


In contrast, Phoenix has been significantly better, and 'normal'. Not much experience with Scottsdale, and haven't been to Mesa or Chandler.


The only time I've had any meaningful conversation with any American in Tempe, it's been one (or more) of the following cases -

1. The individual in question is from the east coast.

2. The individual in question is from the mid west.

3. The individual in question is from Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana or Oregon.

4. The individual in question is 45+ .


Outside of this, it appears that people are never interested in talking. I always try to strike up some general conversation asking people about their interests and I'm a good listener (but can talk at length if required). I'm not an American, I'm originally from Calcutta in India - and I've lived in quite a few places. I'm well read, well educated (attending graduate business school at ASU for a PhD), well versed in English and familiar with American culture (Scott Joplin, Gershwin, Elvis, Scorsese, Otis Redding, Aretha Franklin, Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Kerouac, Ken Kesey, Poe, Mark Twain, Stanley Kubrick, Sidney Lumet, Bee Gees, Ray Bradbury, Jackson Pollock, Edward Hopper, Andy Warhol, Paul Desmond, Bill Evans, Ella Fitzgerald, Dylan, BB King, Muddy Waters, Paul Simon............you get the idea). Practically, the only topic I can't converse about is American sports.


Recently I've been dating a girl who's from Chicago, and she told me about the culture here being 'different', to put it briefly. What I find surprising is that my experiences with American people have been drastically different elsewhere. I've had deep conversations about economics and politics with people in bars in Ithaca till the wee hours. I've engaged in friendly banter for over four hours in Iowa City when the bus to Chicago was unexpectedly delayed. People have joined me for random 'jams' in Chicago when I was playing guitar in streets or in parks. I've gone out for dinner in New York with strangers I met the same afternoon at the Museum of Modern Art.


To summarise, I simply have failed to connect with people of my age group in Tempe (and maybe to a certain extent, Phoenix). I am friendly, outgoing and polite. I have many close friends from different places, including Mexico, south America, Europe and central Africa.


I would also like to assert that my sample size is large enough. This is something I've encountered in Tempe since 2013, and is based on close to a hundred different people, if not more. (I always ask them if they are from Arizona, especially since 2014, and I'm always amazed to see my hypothesis proved true).


One possibility that I can think of is that I haven't been to the 'right' place. But if that is so, it must be some 'niche' place since I have to most of the 'common' places where most of the people are.


Would be curious to hear your thoughts on this (and please feel free to speak your mind).


Thank you!

[dvxhd]

Originally Posted by freewheelingvagabond

Okay, a bit of a rant. Please accept my apologies in case you are offended or find anything inappropriate.


But I'm just trying to reiterate my experiences. It's fine if you bash me, but I'm really interested in figuring out if I'm missing something.


I moved in here about three years ago, and shifting out of Arizona in May (thankfully! - more than anything else, can't stand the weather). In all this time, I've experienced that people in Tempe are some of the unfriendliest (or perhaps uninterested...) lot I've ever encountered. This is based on my experience in bars, eateries, dive bars, coffee shops, buses and other public places. Almost every time that I tried engaging in a conversation with anyone, it always degenerated into a monologue. People are just not interested in talking. And this specifically applies to my age group (I'm male, 29).


In contrast, Phoenix has been significantly better, and 'normal'. Not much experience with Scottsdale, and haven't been to Mesa or Chandler.


The only time I've had any meaningful conversation with any American in Tempe, it's been one (or more) of the following cases -

1. The individual in question is from the east coast.

2. The individual in question is from the mid west.

3. The individual in question is from Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana or Oregon.

4. The individual in question is 45+ .


Outside of this, it appears that people are never interested in talking. I always try to strike up some general conversation asking people about their interests and I'm a good listener (but can talk at length if required). I'm not an American, I'm originally from Calcutta in India - and I've lived in quite a few places. I'm well read, well educated (attending graduate business school at ASU for a PhD), well versed in English and familiar with American culture (Scott Joplin, Gershwin, Elvis, Scorsese, Otis Redding, Aretha Franklin, Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Kerouac, Ken Kesey, Poe, Mark Twain, Stanley Kubrick, Sidney Lumet, Bee Gees, Ray Bradbury, Jackson Pollock, Edward Hopper, Andy Warhol, Paul Desmond, Bill Evans, Ella Fitzgerald, Dylan, BB King, Muddy Waters, Paul Simon............you get the idea). Practically, the only topic I can't converse about is American sports.


Recently I've been dating a girl who's from Chicago, and she told me about the culture here being 'different', to put it briefly. What I find surprising is that my experiences with American people have been drastically different elsewhere. I've had deep conversations about economics and politics with people in bars in Ithaca till the wee hours. I've engaged in friendly banter for over four hours in Iowa City when the bus to Chicago was unexpectedly delayed. People have joined me for random 'jams' in Chicago when I was playing guitar in streets or in parks. I've gone out for dinner in New York with strangers I met the same afternoon at the Museum of Modern Art.


To summarise, I simply have failed to connect with people of my age group in Tempe (and maybe to a certain extent, Phoenix). I am friendly, outgoing and polite. I have many close friends from different places, including Mexico, south America, Europe and central Africa.


I would also like to assert that my sample size is large enough. This is something I've encountered in Tempe since 2013, and is based on close to a hundred different people, if not more. (I always ask them if they are from Arizona, especially since 2014, and I'm always amazed to see my hypothesis proved true).


One possibility that I can think of is that I haven't been to the 'right' place. But if that is so, it must be some 'niche' place since I have to most of the 'common' places where most of the people are.


Would be curious to hear your thoughts on this (and please feel free to speak your mind).


Thank you!

Possibly something you don't see. I knew a transplant who feels the same: thinks highly of herself, talks over others when they're speaking, always wants to one-up people even when it's irrelevant to the conversation, doesn't seem to listen when people are speaking, etc. I'm not saying that's what you do, but it's something she does and doesn't recognize it. You may do something that turns people away without knowing you're doing it (that long list of "American culture" reeks of arrogance, if I may be frank), and you may have found another malcontent and bonded over it. While the Phoenix area is very far from perfect, it just doesn't seem to suit you.

[observer53]

"Close to a hundred"people out of a city of more than 100,000, most of whom you think you've asked where they are from, over the last couple of years, and your "sample size is large enough" to decide that people in your age group (somewhere around 29) in Tempe are unfriendly or uninterested in talking.




Yours is not the first of this sort of thread, referring either to all of metro Phoenix or to all of the people in some suburb, or Phoenix itself, and criticizing some perceived flaw in their interactions with the OP. I always find them a bit bothersome, mainly for the overgeneralization and stereotyping, (at least you seem to be focusing on an age group) but also for the fact that none of us can see what these interactions you find so bothersome actually look like or know the context of the interaction. And we certainly don't know the situations of the people you are trying to converse with (nor do you). I'm not in your age group, and often don't know the age of the person I engage in conversation with in Tempe, (where I've lived since before I passed through your age group )so I really can't answer your question with any kind of "statistics". Even so, I couldn't begin, even with the population as a whole, to reach the conclusion you have based on my own experience.


I hope the next place you land brings you interactions more to your liking with the local population in your age group.

[lovecrowds]

I agree 100% with the poster. Its just a very introverted city. They have 10 foot high walls so they can avoid their neighbors in most instances.

The introversion of Phoenix is one of the reasons why unlike other cities of similar size you basically have very few of the neighborhoods with sidewalk cafe's, outdoor seating coffee shops or restaurants like you do in most cities.

Phoenix is also big on superficial materialism. They base their evaluation of a person on their cars primarily. I don't think I have ever seen so many luxury cars in my life even in far more affluent metropolitan areas. I was on a flight from Tampa to Phoenix and this women was from Tampa said South Tampa is rich and they have Corvets in her neighborhood and the guy next to her of similar age said in Phoenix they have Ashton-Martin just to one up her on status.

I noticed that very few Phoenix area residents under 40 feel they are entitled to anything less then a celebrity lifestyle. The poster was talking about NYC and Chicago friendliness and extroversion which sounds amazing compared to Phoenix. I notice Los Angeles is like NYC and Chicago with the extroverted people.

The only way I have ever met anyone here is through employer and roommates. I think people here think it is weird to just randomly go to a place like a coffee shop or bar and just have a conversation with someone they dont know.

I have had some great roommates here especially when I resided in Gilbert and also worked with some great people here also. It hasn't been all bad socially for me here, but I can 100% agree of the vast majority of Phoenix/Tempe people.

I don't find the people here unfriendly or aggressive but I do find them very arrogant. I think arrogance in Metro Phoenix is rather comical but it doesn't really bother me. They have a weird superiority complex which extends to the whole valley. People here have an absolute aversion to eye-contact.

I also think the people are extremely judgemental which is part of the reason why it could be hard for some to connect. A vast majority of Phoenix residents scoff at anyone who is less then a 10 on looks but yet they are a 5 themselves.

Phoenix area people don't really appreciate the arts or culture here. They would prefer to ramble on about money, cars, significant others and reality-show style gossip.

[Bondurant]

Phoenix area is what you make of it. It's no different than anywhere else. I'm from Michigan, lived in Chicagoland for a decade and spent some time near Scranton, PA. I do believe meeting people becomes harder as you get older because social circles seem to close once your schooling ends.

My experiences have been the same in each place. Though I find the people generally more friendly and laid back here.

[stevek64]

When one generalizes with a "close to 100%" on interactions with people in a negative way for whatever reason(s), the only answer I can come up with is look within. Don't take this personal, and I'm not a psychologist, but perhaps in some way you're putting out a negative vibe because you don't like it here for whatever reason(s)? I know when I'm not happy in a place/doing something I'm not happy doing, I'm guessing that has to radiate out a bit. Unless one is a really good actor. Perhaps something else.....if you find "everyone"/"close to everyone" in a given age group acts a certain way, perhaps it could be even more simple and you're going to certain clubs/places that attract more people with certain views or an attitude.

My experience, if anything, is I've found people on average in the Phoenix metro to be friendlier than many other regions in the country I've been. Most people in AZ/Phoenix are from somewhere else, largely from the midwest or west, and in my experience, I've found a higher % of people in these regions to be friendlier and more laid back than let's say the northeast/east coast, again, on average in my experience.

In any case, my advice to you? Whatever the reason(s) you're experiencing what you're experiencing, find another place that you're happier to live in. That will project out and I'm guessing you'll find more friends. Good luck!

[EclecticEars]

I didn't connect with people in San Diego (admittedly, I now call it Bland Diego). I left. People are shocked when I tell them I didn't like "paradise" SD, but, hey, maybe I'm weird. I don't care.

I've connected with people better overall in my new home, and in most of the other places I've lived.

Sometimes, living in places make for a great fit for us. Sometimes, definitely not. Phoenix is a massive metropolis and hopefully the OP can find his/her niche. If not, then I wish them the best, provided the realization that we live in a huge country.

[43north87west]

I think you just need to find people who are more like yourself. Maybe you are just coming on a bit strong. Phoenix and suburbs are huge and density is much lower than elsewhere. It's big enough that it has all types.

[PhureeKeeper]

OP: Most of the topics you cite regarding "American Culture" wouldn't be of interest to someone in you age group. Ask someone in their mid twenties if they've even heard of the Bee Gees.

Also, you mention you are well educated, but how is your dialect? Do people have a hard time understanding you?

Or, could you be putting people off if you're throwing your education around? There are plenty of STEM brainiacs in around Tempe, but they won't be walking around saying "hey, I'm an Engineer!"

[jertheber]

American's are simply not aware of their social isolation, most people I know have denied any such thing on their part but on closer examination they do admit to a kind of "busyness" that may well be construed as a kind of off putting aspect of our collective populace. Also there is no shortage of bias here, oh yeah it's hidden for the most part but it's there, foreigners are looked at as an invader of sorts, eating off a smaller employment plate that seems to be getting smaller as time goes by, and more people arrive here from everywhere else. It is expressed as an economic fear, but at days end it still comes out as a kind of vague hostility.

People come here thinking that America will be a reflection of American TV, or they have rhetorical knowledge but nothing that could be considered truthful, that isn't a very realistic view to have when attempting to figure out the entirety of American social norms. Places in the SW like Vegas, so Cal, Az, and parts of Texas are relatively new-found meccas of suburban sprawl, they are pretty socially sterile places, young, OR really old, populace, each having their own lifestyles, no real economic base beyond the mass miles of strip malls of eateries, movies, and shopping.

Most of America that is so inflicted will be just as you described it, boring, mindless, devoid of culture, a wasteland of sprawl and smog. Move to a more metropolitan area and you will begin to see the real value in American culture, real neighborhoods, real people who have the time to meet and talk some, Universities that have a fair amount of liberal arts programs, neat little bistros, cool areas of old architecture and friendly open spaces to congregate. Tempe is a pretty quiet place in contrast to your homeland of noises, smells, people, and overall culture. I'd strongly suggest moving.