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A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”
A man dies and ends up in hell. While being escorted through the Tunnel of the Damned, he notices there are many clocks on the wall; all showing different time and ticking at different speed.
Curious, he asks the demon what the clocks are for.
The demon said, "Each of the clock corresponds to a US president. Look at the bottom of each of the clock and you can see the name of the president being associated with it."
The man asks, "Why are some clocks move faster than the others?"
Demon replies, "Well, you see, whenever a president lies, the clock ticks. So the more lies and the greater the frequency of lies, his clock ticks faster."
The man looks on the wall and indeed sees that the George W. Bush clock moves very fast while the Obama clock is barely ticking.
He said, "I see. But why doesn't Donald Trump has a clock?"
Demon said, "Trump certainly has a clock. We keep it in the main office to use as a fan."
A man dies and ends up in hell. While being escorted through the Tunnel of the Damned, he notices there are many clocks on the wall; all showing different time and ticking at different speed.
Curious, he asks the demon what the clocks are for.
The demon said, "Each of the clock corresponds to a US president. Look at the bottom of each of the clock and you can see the name of the president being associated with it."
The man asks, "Why are some clocks move faster than the others?"
Demon replies, "Well, you see, whenever a president lies, the clock ticks. So the more lies and the greater the frequency of lies, his clock ticks faster."
The man looks on the wall and indeed sees that the George W. Bush clock moves very fast while the Obama clock is barely ticking.
He said, "I see. But why doesn't Donald Trump has a clock?"
Demon said, "Trump certainly has a clock. We keep it in the main office to use as a fan."
.
I can't rep you anymore, but if I could, I would rep every one of your posts in this thread. I don't know where you're getting them, but keep e'm coming. I'm really enjoying them.
A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes. "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible." Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.
1. Q: What do you get when you offer a Liberal a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.
2. Q: How do you confuse a Liberal?
A: You don’t. They’re born that way.
3. Q: Why is it good to have a Democrat passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
4. Q: What’s the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
5. A Democrat died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars.
“Ten dollars?” she said. “It only takes ten dollars to bury a Democrat? Here’s a hundred – go bury 10 of them!”
6. Q: How do you keep a Democrat busy?
A: Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.
7. Q: How do you keep a Liberal busy all day?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to wait in the corner.
8. Q: What do you call a Democrat with an IQ of 130?
A: A foursome
9. Q: How do you get a one-armed Liberal out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
10. Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?
A: A whine cellar.
11. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 Democrats.
12. Q: What is foreplay for a Democrat?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
13. Q: What is the Democrat doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
14. Q: Why did the Liberal have blisters on his lips?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
15. Q: Why do Liberals work seven days a week?
A: So you don’t have to retrain them on Monday.
16. A Democrat found a magic genie’s lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, “I will grant you one wish.” He said, “I wish I were smarter”. So the genie made him a Republican.
17. Q: What the difference between a Democrat and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don’t know either.
18. Q: How is a Liberal different from a sewer rat?
A: Some people actually like sewer rats.
19. Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to walk in the dark.
20. Q: Why do so many Liberals live in L.A.?
A: It’s the only city that is easy enough for them to spell.
21. Q: What’s five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A Democrat parade.
22. Q: What is it called when a Liberal blows in another Liberal’s ear?
A: Data transfer.
23. Q: Why don’t they let Liberals swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can’t get the smell out of the tuna.
24. Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a Democrat.
25. Q: What’s the difference between a Liberal and a sack of manure?
A: The sack.
Source: user bodybuilder1958 at workerscompensation.com/forums/general/showthread.php?tid=13630
Sean Hannity dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gate. St. Peter said to him, "Look, we're having a hard time deciding whether you should go to heaven or cast down to hell. You are religious and you advocated for God. However, you are also a shamelessly chronic liar and you spread lies like nobody's business. So tell you what, I'm going to take you on a tour of heaven and hell and you tell me where you want to spend eternity."
So St. Peter leads Hannity pass the Pearly Gate to a tour of heaven. It is a nice and quiet place, with angels playing harpsichords in the distance and people quietly and politely chatting. But Hannity was concerned that there are too many liberals, especially prominent are Civil Rights leaders, activists, Democratic presidents, Europeans socialists, scholars, or a combination of some of the above. There is also a noticeable absence of conservatives.
Next, St. Peter takes Hannity to hell; to his surprise Marilyn Monroe and Rita Hayworth greet him flirtatiously at the gate. "Oh my, we love you!! Let's get together sometime. We do threesome!" Hannity asks St. Peter if God demands monogamy in the afterlife. "No." St. Peter replies, "God only demands that in life, not the afterlife. Besides God doesn't really care what goes on down here." Later, Hannity meets Bob Jones, Richard Nixon, and a whole bunch of his heros. "Conservatives rule hell." Nixon said to him, "We just grab any liberals we find here we beat them up! It's alotta fun!" Then Jones said, "We are very religious down here. We pray everyday, go to church every Sunday, we are God's favorites, we just happen to have an address in hell that's all." William Safire chimed in, "You like music don't you? Let me take you to the concerts. Let me tell ya, the great musicians, Hendrix, Lennon, Mozart, etc, they're all down here. They compose music and held free concerts. Also, the great directors, great actors, porn stars, they're all here. The greatest movies are being made here in hell! You can even write your own script and Stanley Kubrick will direct it!"
After the tour, St. Peter asks Hannity, "Well, what do you think?"
"I can't believe I'm saying this," Hannity said, "But I prefer hell to heaven. It's not even close."
"Alright then, Mr. Hannity. To hell you go."
A month later, St. Peter was making the rounds from heaven to hell when he passes by a torture chamber in hell, he heard a voice screaming for him, "St. Peter! St. Peter! Come here! Come here!" St. Peter looks inside and sees Hannity, ties up to the wall and being pistol whipped and burned by hot iron by three demons, screaming for him. St. Peter walks over to him and said, "What is the matter, my son?" Hannity said, "What happened? Where're the hot girls? The free concerts? Where're my conservative heros? This is nothing like the hell that you showed me!!!"
St. Peter thinks for a few seconds and then say, "Hmmmm.... Oh oh oh, I see what happened. What I showed you was a Trump Organization Presentation in collaboration with Fox News."
.
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...�
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."
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