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It's April 1971. Air Force 1 is in trouble. Kissinger opens the hatch jumps out and clears the wing. Nixon puts on his chute and turns to Teddy Kennedy and says there goes the smartest man in the world. Teddy said he's not all that bright. What Kissinger thought was a parachute was a backpack with my lunch in it.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty-six. One to canvass the neighborhood for donation of a new bulb, seven to research and publish the environmental impact statement, four to contact the various media companies to blame Republicans for the bulb burning out, eight to research alternative methods for lighting the room, and six in Congress to raise taxes to pay all of them for their work.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to call the electrician, one to call the accountant for the tax write-off, and one to mix the drinks.
Q: How many Libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He invents the perfect light bulb, then holds it in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many legal-marijuana users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Huh? Wha? Umm, like, change it into what, man.....?
I can't rep you anymore, but if I could, I would rep every one of your posts in this thread. I don't know where you're getting them, but keep e'm coming. I'm really enjoying them.
A man walks into a bar and sees the strangest thing he has ever saw – a very short person, about a foot tall, is standing on a bench brilliantly playing the piano.
The man walks over to the counter and asks the bartender, “What’s the deal with the tiny piano player?”
The bartender replies, “It’s from Donald Trump.”
The man says, “Excuse me?”
Bartender: “You see, this county voted overwhelmingly for Trump and in gratitude he gave us a Trump Genie Lamp. Rubbing the genie lamp will make a genie appears and grants you any wish you want! ..... For a low, low price of $25,000 per wish.”
The man ask, “Does it really work? $25,000 is a lot of money.”
Bartender: “Yes, it works! You see the tiny piano player? That was my wish for the genie! You can make your wish come true, how can you put a price on that?!”
The man figures if he wishes for a boat load of money, it’s still a good deal. So he ask, “Can I try it? Where is the Trump Genie Lamp?”
Bartender says, “Sure. Go to the end of this counter, right beside the men restroom is the Trump Genie Lamp on top of a table . You will see the credit card slot attached to it. Just swipe, rub, wait for the genie and make your wish. ”
The man walks over to the lamp, swipes his credit card, rub the lamp, and lo and behold a genie bearing strong resemblence to Trump appears. “What wish do you want me to grant you, my good white hombre?”
The man tells the Genie, “I want ten million bucks!!!”
The Genie says, “It’s done. Believe me.” Then disappears
Soon after, the man hears loud noise from a distance – “Crack, crack, crack, crack……” and getting closer. Then the bar door bursts open and millions of ducks come flying into the bar.
The man yells, “No!! This is not right!! I want ten million bucks!!! NOT ten millin ducks!!! This is nothing like what the Trump genie promised!!”
The bartender sheepishly replies to the man, “And do you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist?”
One afternoon a senator was riding in his limousine when he saw
two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered
his driver to stop so that he could investigate. The senator got
out of his limousine and asked one of the men, "Why are you
eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man answered. "We
have to eat grass."
"Well then, come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the
senator said.
The poor man replied, "But sir, I have a wife and two children
with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along" the senator replied. Turning to the other poor
man he said to him, "You can come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also
have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"No problem, bring them all as well!" the senator answered. They
all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the senator and
said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us
with you."
The senator replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place
- the grass is almost a foot high!
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.
The bartender said, "I’ve got to ask you. What’s with the pocket business?"
"Oh," said the man, "I have Donald Trump's picture in there, and when he starts to look sane, I know I’ve had enough."
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9
Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his
other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from
the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You
must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do
you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a
3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of
golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog
replys, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,
"OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I
should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is
a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures
what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He
sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog
replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the
frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room."
Timmy and John were Alter Boys at their local church. The priest had learned that they were fooling around with girls in the congregation, so he called them in for confession.
They arrived to the church and Timmy said "I'll go first", while John waited out in the sanctuary. Timmy entered the confessional and spoke: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest responded: "Timmy is that you"? - "Yes" Timmy replied. "Father, I have sinned -- and have had premarital sex with a girl in the congregation."
The priest was taken aback - "My son", said the priest in a stern voice - "that is a cardinal sin". You know you shouldn't have done that. Who was it that shared in sin with you? Was it Debbie H.?"
Timmy replied "father - i can't divulge that information out of respect for the girl - but no, it wasn't her."
The priest continued "well, was it Linda S. then?". "No father - but, again I won't disclose the persons name".
Once more the priest says "o.k. - how about Mary T. - was it her?" Timmy is adamant - he wont' divulge her name but says it wasn't Mary T.
The priest then speaks: "well, Timmy, what you have done is a terrible sin. For this, you will be banned from church for 2 months and can not perform any Alter Boy functions. Now go pray for forgiveness and reflect on your sins".
Timmy leaves and sees John sitting in a pew, and takes the seat next to him. John asks: "how'd it go in there"?
Timmy replies: "not too bad, got 2 months off and 3 good leads!"
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