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Hi all,
I have read these forums for several years. When we were moving, I searched how to sell, areas to buy, etc. When I was going through tough times, I would read how to cope, so now I am coming to yall with a problem that maybe yall cant solve but maybe just can listen too?
A previous post was talking about teen pregnancies and lower income. So, I would like to give you a little background. My dd is 17, and you can see from the title what is going on, but that is not the whole story. I will tell you, obviously we arent the perfect Mayberry family, but I thought we tried to be in so many ways. At this point in our lives, we are probably considered upper middle income, but idk.
We lived for 10 years in a city that was not the best place to raise a family, but it was where my husband's job was. I stayed at home to raise my 2 kids, but that is not entirely true. I worked at the church's mommies day out so that the kids were with me. When the kids started school, I taught swim lessons and they came with me and learned how to swim and started on the swim team.
My husband and I made the decision that this area was not a good place to raise our children. Gangs and violence were coming to a once nice area. He applied for a job in the Carolinas. They hired him, and although we had the best intentions 2007 started a nightmare in our family. The company was small, went out of business 2 months after we bought a house. Couldnt sell in the economy, he moved to the middle of the country for a job, while I stayed with the kids to sell the house.
Maybe too much detail, but dd was 14, had a bad vibe, never ever ever violated her privacy before by reading her diary etc(read another thread about that) But...I did. Found out my 14 yo dd had been sleeping with a 22 yo neighbor. (when I read the thread about not being there and not knowing where your kids are 24/7 it got to me) My dd said she and her friends were walking to the neighborhood pond. I had checked every once and a while and that is where they were, but apparently not everytime. I called the cops, and pressed charges and the guy went to jail for 4 months. I guess I am a pushover, b/c the prosecuter didnt really want to put a sexual offender status on this guy, so I said ok. All of this, while my husband was 500 miles away.
Next thing I know, I get a call from the school that dd has been arrested for drug possession. A small town school, 9th grade! She is put in an alternative school.
Finally sell the house, move to the middle of the country. Back with husband. Buy a house in an area just for the school systems. I really dont care about status, I just want my kids to be safe and get a good education to set them up for a good life.
We bought dd a car, not an expensive car, a 13 yo lexus, but alot better than my husband ever had at her age. The stipulation was only to school and back unless she had a job. She got a job at a grocery store. Said she was going to work.
Found out her "boyfriend" lived a block from the school.(I just started working full time for the first time in 15 years, so she came home right before I got home) She would say she was going to work, but go to his house. I would even go to the store to shop and call her, where are you? And she would say that she had to go pick up someone who couldnt get to work.
Fast forward, Thanksgiving week, she ran away. She was gone that whole week. I called the cops, they said since she was 17 it was a gray area. I searched her room. I found beer, pills, pictures and notes from some guy I had never heard from. I looked at my phone bill and called everyone on her phone history.
Found a name on her FB account, looked up his address and went to the house. Never heard his name before. The dad answered the door. Told him that I was looking for dd. He said, oh yeah, she is a sweet girl but her and loser dude(not his wording but mine) arent really serious. Apparently loser dude burns through girls like sliced bread.
Well, found out loser dude(who is 19, no job, didnt graduate hs, lives at home, no car) is also a drug dealer. Dd has been doing drugs and hooking up. And, now she is pregnant. Ok.......this is a family that is Very upper class. Shocking? No i dont think so(now I am going off tangent because of a previous post)
Well, she finally realized that he was a loser. We have stood by her, With consequences all of this time. My husband is stricter than me, but he has given her everything. I was suprised that he has so turned around for this future grandbaby. He was so excited about her coming into this world.
Now, I am so sorry for this long post, but this has just become unbelievable. My husband are out on a "date" for the first time in a long time. We are at a concert. I didn't mention that we have just had our 20th wedding anniversary. I get a call from dd friends grandmother. Her and dd are in jail for shoplifting. My 8 month pregnant 17 yo is in jail for shoplifting! wtf! They blame it on their friend putting the items in their purses.
I know you dont know me from Adam, and if you have read this much(which really, I wouldnt have ) I am just at my wit's end. This isnt just me, it is my DS who, not perfect, I just feel for. He is the lost person in all of this.
I cried all last night and today. My DH says we need to leave her in one more night if we are going to bail her out(her friend is already bailed out). She called me collect tonight and said she has nothing to drink for 24 hours b/c the only water is from this sink in the jail cell. She is 8 months pregnant! She wont drink from a faucet?
I have wanted this baby since I heard she was pregnant. I have wanted to hold her. But, my daughters actions have just destroyed it for me. I told her on the phone from the jail that she needs to put this baby up for adoption( I cant even say the name that we have already named her, it is breaking my heart) She was crying on the phone, and said that she was leaving and had someone to bail her out and to live
with.
My dh and ds dont want her back here. But, as a mother, and soon to be grandmother, I am just heartbroken. I know this sounds, all about me, but I had hoped so much more for her. We have given her everything.
Just reading this back, breaks my heart, I have to leave for work in a couple of hours, my 17 yo 8 month pregnant daughter is in jail, I have to call a bail bondsman tomorrow. So, yeah, I guess we brought this all on ourselves. (I am sorry for sounding bitter, as I sit here crying) But, anyway, if you have read all of this, thank you.
MBC
You are wrong to take all the blame for this. I know your heart is breaking and you look back at some things with regret but this is not your fault. You did not lead her by the hand to the bed. She has to learn to take responsibility for her choices.
I URGE you to have a social worker talk to her and convince her this child should be adopted by parents who are longing for a family. She is not ready for this and frankly if you keep the baby it just opens up a world of hurt for everybody.
As the adoptive mother of 3 kids I have to tell you I can understand how hard it is to let go of a cherished baby but there are so many couples who can't have children and they are waiting years for a child.
I feel your anguish right now and it will get harder but your family needs to get some help and face this together. Good luck
First of all I'd like to say, BLESS YOUR HEART! You've been through a lot. You really oughtta take the time & do something to relax, you'll be able to think better on a clear & relaxed mind. Anyways, a little background on me, I'm almost 19 & went to an alternative school probably similar to what your daughter is in. I wasn't pregnant or was a drug user but I simply had 2 surgeries my freshman year of high school which made me fail. The school helped me graduate on time. I hated going to that alternative school because everyone I knew there was pregnant, was a parent, or LIVED to party. I simply didn't fit in. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, ALL of my friends that I grew up with started having babies, at the ripe ole' age of 15-17. I now, at 18, have about 3 people I can call a friend who don't have children. It sucks. I can't relate to girls I've known since elementary school. Hopefully this shows that I can somewhat relate to you...not in the way that I've had a daughter who's now going to be a teen mother, but that I have tons of teen mother ex-friends. I can't tell you what to do, as I'm not a parent but I can tell you that if you really want to you could try to work out a deal with your daughter & get half custody. Your daughter sounds nowhere near ready to be a parent...and I'm sure if you took her to court to get custody, I'm pretty sure you would get it. I know quite a lot of my friends whose parents have done this because they were nowhere near ready....but I don't think it matters if she wants that or not. I'm pretty sure you can still take her to court over it. It sucks that your daughter isn't ready to be a parent, but if you really are up to the challenge & aren't content with her taking care of the baby herself or her putting it up for adoption...I'd say go for it & sue for custody. Anyways, thats just my advice as a almost 19 year old...If you ever feel the need to just vent or want to ask anything don't hesitate to DM me. I'm more than happy to listen.
I think that your daughter may have a serious drug problem. This is not your fault. I am sure you taught her not to use drugs. She made that decision on her own and once that happens some people become overwhelmed by the drugs. You cannot blame yourself. None of us are perfect parents and whatever is done is water under the bridge. You cannot undo it and don't try.
Since she is pregnant I think you have to think both long and short term. In the short term you need to keep her clean and off of drugs. In the long term you need to get her permanently off drugs AND you need to keep the baby safe. You can put the baby up for adoption, or perhaps you can obtain custody. You probably need to do some soul searching to decide what you want to do. It is clear from your post that your daughter is not ready to be a mother, even with your support. You will have to decide whether you want to step in for her, or if you want to send the baby to an adoptive home. Nobody can make that decision for you...I do feel for you though.
Hi all,
I have read these forums for several years. When we were moving, I searched how to sell, areas to buy, etc. When I was going through tough times, I would read how to cope, so now I am coming to yall with a problem that maybe yall cant solve but maybe just can listen too?
A previous post was talking about teen pregnancies and lower income. So, I would like to give you a little background. My dd is 17, and you can see from the title what is going on, but that is not the whole story. I will tell you, obviously we arent the perfect Mayberry family, but I thought we tried to be in so many ways. At this point in our lives, we are probably considered upper middle income, but idk.
We lived for 10 years in a city that was not the best place to raise a family, but it was where my husband's job was. I stayed at home to raise my 2 kids, but that is not entirely true. I worked at the church's mommies day out so that the kids were with me. When the kids started school, I taught swim lessons and they came with me and learned how to swim and started on the swim team.
My husband and I made the decision that this area was not a good place to raise our children. Gangs and violence were coming to a once nice area. He applied for a job in the Carolinas. They hired him, and although we had the best intentions 2007 started a nightmare in our family. The company was small, went out of business 2 months after we bought a house. Couldnt sell in the economy, he moved to the middle of the country for a job, while I stayed with the kids to sell the house.
Maybe too much detail, but dd was 14, had a bad vibe, never ever ever violated her privacy before by reading her diary etc(read another thread about that) But...I did. Found out my 14 yo dd had been sleeping with a 22 yo neighbor. (when I read the thread about not being there and not knowing where your kids are 24/7 it got to me) My dd said she and her friends were walking to the neighborhood pond. I had checked every once and a while and that is where they were, but apparently not everytime. I called the cops, and pressed charges and the guy went to jail for 4 months. I guess I am a pushover, b/c the prosecuter didnt really want to put a sexual offender status on this guy, so I said ok. All of this, while my husband was 500 miles away.
Next thing I know, I get a call from the school that dd has been arrested for drug possession. A small town school, 9th grade! She is put in an alternative school.
Finally sell the house, move to the middle of the country. Back with husband. Buy a house in an area just for the school systems. I really dont care about status, I just want my kids to be safe and get a good education to set them up for a good life.
We bought dd a car, not an expensive car, a 13 yo lexus, but alot better than my husband ever had at her age. The stipulation was only to school and back unless she had a job. She got a job at a grocery store. Said she was going to work.
Found out her "boyfriend" lived a block from the school.(I just started working full time for the first time in 15 years, so she came home right before I got home) She would say she was going to work, but go to his house. I would even go to the store to shop and call her, where are you? And she would say that she had to go pick up someone who couldnt get to work.
Fast forward, Thanksgiving week, she ran away. She was gone that whole week. I called the cops, they said since she was 17 it was a gray area. I searched her room. I found beer, pills, pictures and notes from some guy I had never heard from. I looked at my phone bill and called everyone on her phone history.
Found a name on her FB account, looked up his address and went to the house. Never heard his name before. The dad answered the door. Told him that I was looking for dd. He said, oh yeah, she is a sweet girl but her and loser dude(not his wording but mine) arent really serious. Apparently loser dude burns through girls like sliced bread.
Well, found out loser dude(who is 19, no job, didnt graduate hs, lives at home, no car) is also a drug dealer. Dd has been doing drugs and hooking up. And, now she is pregnant. Ok.......this is a family that is Very upper class. Shocking? No i dont think so(now I am going off tangent because of a previous post)
Well, she finally realized that he was a loser. We have stood by her, With consequences all of this time. My husband is stricter than me, but he has given her everything. I was suprised that he has so turned around for this future grandbaby. He was so excited about her coming into this world.
Now, I am so sorry for this long post, but this has just become unbelievable. My husband are out on a "date" for the first time in a long time. We are at a concert. I didn't mention that we have just had our 20th wedding anniversary. I get a call from dd friends grandmother. Her and dd are in jail for shoplifting. My 8 month pregnant 17 yo is in jail for shoplifting! wtf! They blame it on their friend putting the items in their purses.
I know you dont know me from Adam, and if you have read this much(which really, I wouldnt have ) I am just at my wit's end. This isnt just me, it is my DS who, not perfect, I just feel for. He is the lost person in all of this.
I cried all last night and today. My DH says we need to leave her in one more night if we are going to bail her out(her friend is already bailed out). She called me collect tonight and said she has nothing to drink for 24 hours b/c the only water is from this sink in the jail cell. She is 8 months pregnant! She wont drink from a faucet?
I have wanted this baby since I heard she was pregnant. I have wanted to hold her. But, my daughters actions have just destroyed it for me. I told her on the phone from the jail that she needs to put this baby up for adoption( I cant even say the name that we have already named her, it is breaking my heart) She was crying on the phone, and said that she was leaving and had someone to bail her out and to live
with.
My dh and ds dont want her back here. But, as a mother, and soon to be grandmother, I am just heartbroken. I know this sounds, all about me, but I had hoped so much more for her. We have given her everything.
Just reading this back, breaks my heart, I have to leave for work in a couple of hours, my 17 yo 8 month pregnant daughter is in jail, I have to call a bail bondsman tomorrow. So, yeah, I guess we brought this all on ourselves. (I am sorry for sounding bitter, as I sit here crying) But, anyway, if you have read all of this, thank you.
MBC
Im so sorry you are going thru this..
I do have to say I dont think you brought that all on your selves.
Your 17 daughter is old enough to know consequences for her actions.
She brought it to herself
Now you can't change what she already done, but let her know she has responsibilities for her actions..
She can grow up and start being responsible or give up her responsibilities and have someone who would be a better for the situation to do it.
Yes too many parents provide things for their kids that they shouldn't , like a car? Does she pay for her own insurance? or gas? maintenance?
A car is a luxury?
My son had gotten his gf pregnant when he was 17....He knew I would be there for him..He also knew I expected him to take care of his child.
Also where do you get the idea..where you live is like someplace kids won't get in trouble...Thats a misconception parents have..They automatically think oh I live in this certain kind of neighborhood my kids won't get in trouble..?? It happens no matter where you live..
I think your 17 dd..knows she really had to pay no consquences for any of her actions?
We as parents have to give our kids tough love...If we don't than we just enable our kids to do what they want..and in the long run we end up hurting them..
Ok I say let her stay in jail..don't bail her out..They feed her in jail..
Her not wanting to drink out of the faucet is a sympathy plea she is trying to use on you.
She is 8 months pregnant..and its about time she learned something..
Right now she needs parents not friends...dont be her friend...lay the law down..stick to it....give her consequences...if she can't give her baby a chance..then dont give her any chances..
Now don't cry..then baby don't need your tears..the baby needs your help to do whats right for him/her.
I do wish you the best.
moutainbikechick, welcome to the forum. I'm glad you posted, and I hope you'll stick around.
Oh goodness. Your situation is every parents' worst nightmare. I absolutely feel for you too, and for your family.
It would seem from what you've told us that obviously your daughter is completely incapable of looking after a child. She's immature, she has drug abuse problems, she has no respect for the law.
I would almost guarantee you at this point that you will end up taking care of the baby, throughout her life, and that along the way your daughter will go through periods of being in and out of her life, which will be devastating for you and the baby and the rest of your family.
Adoption, if you can convince her, does indeed sound like the best option. I understand it will break everybody's heart, but I think the child is going to be nothing but in pawn in your daughter's life until she gets her carp together. I don't see her turning it around for the baby for more than a couple of months, until she's back to her old ways.
As for the drug issue, you will not be able to get her off them. That will not be up to you. It may take years before she is ready to do the things necessary to clean up her life, and it may never happen. She may mature quickly and suddenly realize this is not the way to live, but the odds of that happening are not good. Unfortunately, ultimately she is the only one that will be able to make that decision. Teens do experiment with drugs, and are often not any the worse for wear for it, but it sounds like your daughter has crossed the line. You can point her in the right direction to get help, but it is solely up to her and to get too involved in that aspect of her life is only going to cause much misery for you.
I think this whole situation is too big for you to handle alone. Perhaps somebody on this forum who knows more about these predicaments can point you in the direction of a counselor or somebody professional who can help guide your family through it.
As well, seeing as drugs have become a large factor in your daughter's life, you could seek out a NarcAnon meeting in your area where there will be other parents in your situation who can give you moral support to get through this.
Lastly, not to point out something you already know - but this baby's welfare is at stake - as well as the future sanity of your entire family. You and your husband need to get united on a plan and see it through, for all of your sakes, and for the sake of your other child in the house.
I forgot to put this in my previous post but my brother is a recovering drug addict. He started at about around the same age as your daughter and it only got worse. I found out about a year ago that he was shooting up herion. It broke my heart but since he was 25 at the time, I couldn't make him stop. I blamed myself for the longest time, and still ocassionally do, so please DONT blame yourself. It's not your fault at all. What got my brother clean was he had got arrested for something & we [father & I] went to the DA and asked if he could please push for mandatory rehab or jail. Even mandatory rehab AFTER jail would help. I don't know if that will work for you but it's worth a shot. Talk to the DA or an attorney about getting that done. After she turns 18, there won't be a whole lot you can do unfortunately. It sucks to maybe have to do that to your own daughter but if it makes her get clean, even for only a little while- its worth it. Other than that, she's gonna have to want to get clean on her own.
I'm not going to comment on everything, but I will tell you I have a relative who got custody of her granddaughter; her daughter was way too irresponsible to raise a child. Things have worked out very well for them, even though the birth mom hardly ever sees her daughter. (That's a good thing, for now, while she's still so wild.) The granddaughter is 9 now, and is a lovely little girl, very happy despite her rough start.
I hope you find peace in all this; and in your heart you will know what to do. There are many options here!
I too am so sorry for what you're going through. Please don't beat yourself up and take the blame for your daughter's actions. Was your daughter abusing alcohol and drugs during her pregnancy? Be prepared that this baby may test positive to drugs in her system and possibly be a special needs baby. CPS may get involved and your daughter may lose custody. Hopefully your daughter will get the help she needs.
I feel for you. I have had heartbreaks with one of my children and so I know these things happen even when you do your very best for them, and even when you know they have the stuff in them to be better than they are.
Let's just look at what is in front of you now. It does no good to labor over where you went wrong. A baby, which your daughter cannot care for, is about to be born. Unless you and your husband want to raise it, there are many adoptive parents who would be overjoyed to get the baby and give it a good home.
Your daughter needs a good dose of tough love and counseling. She will soon be 18 and I think you should make her live with the consequences of her actions. If you have raised her the way you say you have, I bet she will have the stuff in her to make it. There are plenty of productive adults in the world who went a little nuts in their youth.
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