Is it ok to not feel anything for my baby? (years, early)
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I am about four months pregnant and i just dont feel the same love and protective sense i felt with my first baby. I had considered having an abortion because i wasnt sure if i could provide for it.
Is this normal or have i become too hardened? I am now considering putting this baby up for adoption. Still, i would not want it to end up in an abusive home.
I feel guilty that i dont love it enough. Or is this just part of my depression and anxiety?
Has anybody else felt the same? Did your feelings change when you saw your baby?
I've responded in your other thread, but I think the worrisome circumstances of your pregnancy are affecting your feelings for this child. It sounds as if you are subconsciously distancing yourself from the baby, just as you might wish you could distance yourself from the situation which led to the baby's conception.
As long as you are taking care of yourself and not doing anything which might endanger the health of this baby, please don't worry about your mixed feelings. You are clearly feeling protective and concerned about the baby's well-being, which is good.
Thank you CraigCreek. I was just really concerned why i am even able to consider giving it up. I am not doing anything to harm myself. Ive had thoughts, but the worst ive done is having these negative feelings and crying. And i really have no control over that right now.
I've responded in your other thread, but I think the worrisome circumstances of your pregnancy are affecting your feelings for this child. It sounds as if you are subconsciously distancing yourself from the baby, just as you might wish you could distance yourself from the situation which led to the baby's conception.
As long as you are taking care of yourself and not doing anything which might endanger the health of this baby, please don't worry about your mixed feelings. You are clearly feeling protective and concerned about the baby's well-being, which is good.
agree with CraigCreek
your hormones and emotions are in a turmoil. you were badly hurt by the father of your first child. and you don't really know where this child's father will come down on it. so much swirling in your head. i feel for you.
but from the tone of your two thread notes, i think you are a caring and loving person and i think in your heart you know how you will feel when the baby is born. Perhaps your trying to steel yourself against that feeling because your life is so uncertain now.
relax and the solution will come its way. or maybe it is just that we come to solutions when we are calm.
Sweetie, can I share something very personal with you? When I was pregnant with my 3rd, I was separated and I really did not know how I was going to do it. I considered abortion, I was fearful, depressed and anxious. I did not know how was going to support all of us (though I was a nurse) I went thru what you are feeling now....it all came together though. I carried him, and am so happy I did not do anything rash. Try and relax. If you have a good support system, you and your kids will be alright. Love yourself, and I am sending hugs your way!
You are still in early pregnancy and your hormones are adjusting. It also sounds like maybe this pregnancy was not at the best timing. I think as time goes by things will get better and you will likely love your second baby just as much as your first. If however you do not feel like you can do it, adoption is an option. Our youngest child was adopted at birth. To be able to adopt a family must pass a homestudy where they are intensly evaluated. You will find abuse in every walk of life, so I am not saying that there are never couples that adopt that abuse, but I think it is less likely. Give yourself some slack, try to relax, get your rest, eat well and take your vitamins.
I think it is natural, due to your situation, to have ambivalence. You might very well be subconsciously keeping your emotional distance.
I did that, with my first pregnancy. I was not sure what I was going to do. I had considered abortion and was also considering adoption. I didn't want to feel any connection to the baby, because I was not certain if I would be keeping the baby or not and I kind of "disconnected" myself. Once I became more certain of my decision, it changed. Before that though, it was almost like a denial of the pregnancy. I still took good care of myself physically but I didn't read much in the way of pregnancy books and I didn't talk about the fact that I was pregnant. I don't think this means you don't care, but it is probably a natural way to try and protect yourself emotionally.
Jrsygrl, brokencrayola, sally, thats exactly how i feel now. I am still taking care of myself. I know it is the uncertainty of the future thats making me feel this way plus these hormones. I hope i dont get too emotional though.
Jrsygrl, brokencrayola, sally, thats exactly how i feel now. I am still taking care of myself. I know it is the uncertainty of the future thats making me feel this way plus these hormones. I hope i dont get too emotional though.
Cyberhugs, JML...you can't FORCE yourself to feel something that just isn't there - yet. It's not a Hallmark movie, it's life. When I was expecting my first (unplanned) I'd been married almost five years and didn't especially like or want babies. I just thought of them as smelly, noisy, little inconveniences that tied you down, that made your boobs droop and ruined your figure. What a narcissistic, self centered little b**ch I was at 24. When I gave birth to my oldest, I didn't have a "magic" feeling of love for her. I refused to go to "natural" childbirth classes (I opted for two shots of Demerol and an epidural so I'd miss as much of it as I could), and I didn't breastfeed either - because I'd read it made your boobs droop. DH did a lot of the nighttime feedings, God bless him. I dutifully took care of the little inconvenience, but I felt like the only one who wasn't besotted with her.
I sound like a candidate for "mother of the year", don't I? Then one day, I was holding her and feeding her (a bottle of course) and she made eye contact (she was about three months old) and she SMILED at me. Looked me straight in the eye and smiled. I can't describe the feeling - it felt like a twist in my chest. It hurt. Then, I knew it was going to be all right and I had normal feelings like a mother is supposed to have. After that, I just couldn't get enough of her.
Fast forward 27 years - I just found out that the little "inconvenience" is going to have a little "inconvenience" of her own...but one we've been waiting for. And we both feel like we're supposed to.
Just give it some time - and remember to take care of YOU.
Sweetie, can I share something very personal with you? When I was pregnant with my 3rd, I was separated and I really did not know how I was going to do it. I considered abortion, I was fearful, depressed and anxious. I did not know how was going to support all of us (though I was a nurse) I went thru what you are feeling now....it all came together though. I carried him, and am so happy I did not do anything rash. Try and relax. If you have a good support system, you and your kids will be alright. Love yourself, and I am sending hugs your way!
Ditto. I had a similar experience. I had even discussed giving my third child up for adoption because I too was and not married and separated, from my child's father. Things worked out, we married and had two more sons eventually.
I was so thankful that I hadn't been forced to make that adoption decision.
I have great respect for women that do have to make that choice. It must take great love to give your child a better life. It is something that will always be with you.
To give some insight, my niece adopted a baby this fall. She and her husband had waited for years and were even at the point of adopting older children when a young mother choose them based on her social worker's observing my neice an nephew at a adoption get together.
My niece is a natural and adores children and just went about her day playing with and interacting with the children there for the day.
It was the next week when a social worker from another county called her and said that she had a soon to be mother that wanted to meet her. This teen had chosen my niece after hearing what a loving person she was, as observed by this social worker.
The teen Mom had her baby the next at. My niece was there, and even had a chance to stay at the hospital to orient herself to the new baby, something that was a real blessing.
My niece revers that young woman, she has expressed to me how much love she felt for this young teen and how she plans to always make sure that her now adopted daughter knows the love this young mother had and the respect my niece will always have for her. She gave my neice and her husband a beatiful healthy baby girl. They will forever be grateful. And they are wonderful parents.
OP My hope is that if you do not have to make that choice that you will be happy, but if you do have to, that you will know how very much appreciated you will be. And what a gift you may be bestowing both on your child and their adopted parents.
It may help you to talk to an agency that is supportive of unwed mothers you may find the emotional support and help for your depression that is so important to you and your health.
You may find one in your area if you search the net. I searched using these terms..."help for unwed mothers" There were so many webpages, grants, adoption assistance, federal programs. I encourage you to google it an explore some of the programs that you may qualify for.
God Bless and keep you safe.
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