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I used to have this one really good friend. We were friends for about 4 year and then this other girl moved to were we live and also went to our church. Almost immediately my good and I wanted to bring the new girl into our group. But as time passed, my once good friend and the new girl were very close and had tossed me to the side like chopped liver. Why might that be?
Birth order. I think that is a big factor. Last-born children have a way with getting along with most people and being generally well-liked. Maybe it is because they observed and learned from their elder siblings.
I don't think that first borns are as good - or *interested* in getting along with people. It's almost like they are too ambitious and self-centered to care.
I know those are generalities and extremes, but I think there is a lot of truth in them.
Yes, I agree. I had a friend who was an only child and was very awkward. She struggled to make friends.
I have noticed that first borns are usually leader types and tend to attract people to them. Youngest siblings get babied so they have a pretty good self esteem and probably attract people who like to give to them. Unfortunately I am the middle child and nobody seems to notice us!
I've thought about this quite a lot and the main conclusion that I've drawn is that popular people are way less "work" to be around. If you don't like talking, they'll fill in for you. I think this is the reason that quiet people tend to be not so popular--because it takes work to draw them out and into conversation and then when you do, they want to be tedious and skip the small talk and go right to the meat of conversation and who wants to try to keep up with that? LOL, I'm being tongue in cheek but there is some element of truth to this.
Also, popular people tend to be more fun, even when they're not the ones generating the fun. They're the kind of person you can joke with and play a joke on and they'll take it all in good fun and not get their feathers ruffled. When popular people are around, the world gets more interesting.
I also think eye contact has something to do with it. People who are more shy tend to make less eye contact and people who are more confident make more. When you don't look someone in the eye, they may feel they are of less value to you, whether this impression is accurate or not, and they may actually get offended. I'm a teacher and one of my goals is to make eye contact with each student each day and it goes a long way. As a child I was extremely unpopular and made poor eye contact and now while not exactly popular--I'm too reserved for that!--I have a circle of friends, and eye contact is what made the difference. I was traveling in Germany with a friend one day and I noticed that wherever we went, people responded very positively to her and I mentioned it. She turned around and said, "Oh I just look 'em in the eye." I fixed it and noticed a real difference but I must say that it's hard at first.
I used to have this one really good friend. We were friends for about 4 year and then this other girl moved to were we live and also went to our church. Almost immediately my good and I wanted to bring the new girl into our group. But as time passed, my once good friend and the new girl were very close and had tossed me to the side like chopped liver. Why might that be?
Because that's what girls do to each other. Yep I've had it happen too but refuse to believe it's a personal deficiency when I found out that it's happened to nearly everyone.
I've thought about this quite a lot and the main conclusion that I've drawn is that popular people are way less "work" to be around. If you don't like talking, they'll fill in for you. I think this is the reason that quiet people tend to be not so popular--because it takes work to draw them out and into conversation and then when you do, they want to be tedious and skip the small talk and go right to the meat of conversation and who wants to try to keep up with that? LOL, I'm being tongue in cheek but there is some element of truth to this.
Also, popular people tend to be more fun, even when they're not the ones generating the fun. They're the kind of person you can joke with and play a joke on and they'll take it all in good fun and not get their feathers ruffled. When popular people are around, the world gets more interesting.
I also think eye contact has something to do with it. People who are more shy tend to make less eye contact and people who are more confident make more. When you don't look someone in the eye, they may feel they are of less value to you, whether this impression is accurate or not, and they may actually get offended. I'm a teacher and one of my goals is to make eye contact with each student each day and it goes a long way. As a child I was extremely unpopular and made poor eye contact and now while not exactly popular--I'm too reserved for that!--I have a circle of friends, and eye contact is what made the difference. I was traveling in Germany with a friend one day and I noticed that wherever we went, people responded very positively to her and I mentioned it. She turned around and said, "Oh I just look 'em in the eye." I fixed it and noticed a real difference but I must say that it's hard at first.
Very good points here. I used to have two friends. Friend A was very fun to be around because she would do most of the talking and you can just sit back and say something if it comes to your mind. Friend B was awfully quiet and almost intolerable to be around. She would never say anything first and when you say something she would kill the conversation with a negative comment or just agree and not add anything to it. I mentioned this to friend A and she agreed you had to do most of the work with friend B. I thought friend A wouldn't mind that because she liked to talk, but if even somebody like that thinks you're too much work, then you need to step it up.
I get anxiety in school so I get very quiet in class. My teacher complained how I exhaust him. I didn't know what he meant but now I can see he probably thought I was too much work.
As for the eye contact, if I 'm not feeling particularly good, I'm not in the mood to look anybody in the eye. But even when you look people in the eye, I feel like you need to also smile. That's also a lot of work especially when you're not feeling up for it.
I notice popular people also just speak when they have thoughts in their head. They don't really care if anybody agrees or hear it. If they have something to say, they'll say it loud and clear. Whereas shy people feel they need an audience first before feeling confident enough to say what they're thinking, and even then, they don't seem as confident because they already killed parts of their confidence by making sure someone is listening. So if you're in a room of people and the popular person just starts talking, even to themselves, that would make sense why people would have an easier time talking to them lol.
I think you answered it in your own post. Those people are always busy doing things. They may not have as much time to socialize, making people more interested in what they're doing when they do see them. Then, to top it off, they have interesting answers to "What have you been up to" since they're so busy doing things.
A lot of it has to do with the person too, I think. We're all drawn to people for different reasons.
1) They have self-confidence...but without being pretentious or arrogant.
2) They are real instead of contrived. They are WYSIWYG. (This impacts a person's likability more than his popularity.)
3) They are generally inclusive and able to make others feel at ease, whether it's asking them about themselves, or filling in "dead air", or using a humorous icebreaker. (This applies more to grown adults rather than cliquish high school kids.)
4) They have an "open" vibe, ambience, body language...which is due to a whole slew of factors: his resting face, how he carries himself, etc.
5) They live intriguing, happy lives and openly embrace their quirks. They have an interest in the world and like to try new things. They can be spontaneous...they are willing to just "go for it" just for the hell of it, instead of thinking too much about it. People are curious about them and want to get to know them better.
6) Charisma. Charisma can't be taught...you either have it or you don't. It's a talent.
7) Sense of humor...which also can't be taught. Almost everyone likes to laugh.
8) They are able to be relatable.
9) This great post by stepka below. It's not a coincidence that folks who stay loosened up are far more likable by all sorts of people...men, women, kids, elderly, coworkers, authority, hell even dogs and cats. They brighten up the room, improve morale, relieve tension, make the world more enjoyable. Insecurity and uptightness tends to significantly impair how likable you are in a general sense...assuming you're a decent person, most people probably won't outright DISLIKE or HATE you, but they will likely find you a bit mundane...i.e. a "Debbie Downer". Nobody likes walking on eggshells, nobody likes tedium, nobody likes pulling teeth, and too much routine tends to bore many people. Getting to know someone should ideally be an organic give-and-take process, requiring little "work".
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka
I've thought about this quite a lot and the main conclusion that I've drawn is that popular people are way less "work" to be around. If you don't like talking, they'll fill in for you. I think this is the reason that quiet people tend to be not so popular--because it takes work to draw them out and into conversation and then when you do, they want to be tedious and skip the small talk and go right to the meat of conversation and who wants to try to keep up with that? LOL, I'm being tongue in cheek but there is some element of truth to this.
Also, popular people tend to be more fun, even when they're not the ones generating the fun. They're the kind of person you can joke with and play a joke on and they'll take it all in good fun and not get their feathers ruffled. When popular people are around, the world gets more interesting.
I also think eye contact has something to do with it. People who are more shy tend to make less eye contact and people who are more confident make more. When you don't look someone in the eye, they may feel they are of less value to you, whether this impression is accurate or not, and they may actually get offended. I'm a teacher and one of my goals is to make eye contact with each student each day and it goes a long way. As a child I was extremely unpopular and made poor eye contact and now while not exactly popular--I'm too reserved for that!--I have a circle of friends, and eye contact is what made the difference. I was traveling in Germany with a friend one day and I noticed that wherever we went, people responded very positively to her and I mentioned it. She turned around and said, "Oh I just look 'em in the eye." I fixed it and noticed a real difference but I must say that it's hard at first.
1) They have self-confidence...but without being pretentious or arrogant.
2) They are real instead of contrived. They are WYSIWYG. (This impacts a person's likability more than his popularity.)
3) They are generally inclusive and able to make others feel at ease, whether it's asking them about themselves, or filling in "dead air", or using a humorous icebreaker. (This applies more to grown adults rather than cliquish high school kids.)
4) They have an "open" vibe, ambience, body language...which is due to a whole slew of factors: his resting face, how he carries himself, etc.
5) They live intriguing, happy lives and openly embrace their quirks. They have an interest in the world and like to try new things. They can be spontaneous...they are willing to just "go for it" just for the hell of it, instead of thinking too much about it. People are curious about them and want to get to know them better.
6) Charisma. Charisma can't be taught...you either have it or you don't. It's a talent.
7) Sense of humor...which also can't be taught. Almost everyone likes to laugh.
8) They are able to be relatable.
9) This great post by stepka below. It's not a coincidence that folks who stay loosened up are far more likable by all sorts of people...men, women, kids, elderly, coworkers, authority, hell even dogs and cats. They brighten up the room, improve morale, relieve tension, make the world more enjoyable. Insecurity and uptightness tends to significantly impair how likable you are in a general sense...assuming you're a decent person, most people probably won't outright DISLIKE or HATE you, but they will likely find you a bit mundane...i.e. a "Debbie Downer". Nobody likes walking on eggshells, nobody likes tedium, nobody likes pulling teeth, and too much routine tends to bore many people. Getting to know someone should ideally be an organic give-and-take process, requiring little "work".
Lol! I'm the youngest and maybe it's true that I'm friendly in nature and have self-esteem but not anymore.
Charisma can be taught as well as sense of humor.
Charm is where you feel good about yourself, you look into the mirror and smile as if you're going to be on that stage and everyone is cheering up on you, you create your self image and then present yourself well.
Sense of humor can be taught by reading books, comic strips, listening to funny videos.
Some people won't get your jokes but that's ok.
Sense of humor is just laughing at any joke.
If you don't get it, just laugh anyway.
Have you ever wondered why some people just tend to be more well-liked and popular than others even without putting in much effort into the relationship or friendship while the others who kept investing time and effort are rarely invited to events or asked out for outings?
For example, I know of this guy and girl that talk about themselves most of the time and they are always busy with their own commitments that they rarely initiate outings. Yet, they are still popular. So why is that?
Don't get me wrong its not an issue of jealousy or whatsoever; its just something I have always wondered about.
What do you think could be the possible explanation behind it?
I personally don't know. I am one of those people, and I can't really pinpoint what it is. I believe I'm quite popular in spite of myself.
For me, I think it is that I am at least trying to take better care of myself.
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