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Wow, just wow! Poor you! Makes me feel lucky that my mom just belittled, controlled me and yelled at me just on occasion. She was very generous and loving otherwise, and I and my three siblings meant the world to her after our father died. (I was 10)
I can't imagine what you went through as a child and I hope you can get through life understanding that it was HER, not YOU who was ever in the wrong.
I'd stay as far away from her as possible and when you do go to see her, make up reasons why you can only stay for a short while.
Yes, I guess I could sit back and say, "poor me" but I can't b/c it would be an untrue statement...
I've had lots of time to re-evaluate, and let me tell you, I have no intention of going back, yes, I feel very sorry for this woman who calls herself my mother, however, her problem isn't mine, just as my problem isn't yours, and it is also a very small problem in comparison.
What she did to me was wrong, yes, however, instead of having a negative effect, it had a very positive on, due to many other events in my life, and most of all, it made me a very strong woman, who, had been blessed many times over. If I could only share with you the successes I have experienced.
It left scars, but nothing I couldn't work thru...and I will give her one huge credit, and that is, if it were not for her...I wouldn't have been born, nor had the opportunities I have experienced, both good and bad. We all have a choice, and mine was, to not allow her to bring me down and ruin me...yes, b/c of her, I did make some rather stupid and unrealistic life choices, which could have stagnated me...and surely, if I look back, there would have been a whole lot of different outcomes, knowing what I know now, but I can't....what I can do, is get up, brush myself off, and keep on keepin on...which is what I intend to do.
Many thanks to you all for offereing your thoughts on this...just know, it's ok...the sun is going to come up tomorrow, and surely is not the end of the world....
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
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I'm not saying you shouldn't have been born, but I agree with you, some people just shouldn't be parents. People talk about the horrible abuse that parents do to their children, and while a lot of hers was pretty clear-cut, sometimes years of constant coldness, not appreciating you or showing love is just as bad. At least you got genuine love from your foster parents and your other family, it's a pity that she never allowed herself to really open up and have a normal mother/daughter relationship with you.
I'm not saying you shouldn't have been born, but I agree with you, some people just shouldn't be parents. People talk about the horrible abuse that parents do to their children, and while a lot of hers was pretty clear-cut, sometimes years of constant coldness, not appreciating you or showing love is just as bad. At least you got genuine love from your foster parents and your other family, it's a pity that she never allowed herself to really open up and have a normal mother/daughter relationship with you.
Hi Trimac20, I'm sorry, but you took my post the wrong way, I wasn't saying you said I shouldn't be born, I was looking at the positive side of everything involved, and thinking outloud, call it a brain Fart? your post just triggered those thoughts within...and yes, it is a pity, but it was her choice. Honestly, I think she was so horrifically scarred from her childhood, I don't know? My cousin and I tried to figure it out, b/c none of us knew our grand mother, she died very young...but since my cousin's mom was the same way, we always tried to figure out how they got that way? It must have been a very very sad childhood for all of them. There were 4 girls.
But anyway, didn't want you to think I took any offense to your post, b/c it was greatly appreciated.
The police officer told me, it is time to make other arrangements for her...I know after speaking with her for 5 minutes, he could tell something was wrong....
*snip*
The police officer said, he was going to write this up....????? I don't know what that means, but then said, you need to make other arrangements for her, it's time.
I assume the police officer was trying to let you know that you could obtain a copy of the police report which might help you get your mother declared incompetent.
The big question right now is not who is executor of the will but who will take over the duties of power of attorney over your mother's affairs if she continues to deteriorate. I am assuming that she has not given anyone power of attorney in a legal document.
I agree with the poster who suggested that accusing people of stealing things (paranoia) can be a sign of dementia.
I assume the police officer was trying to let you know that you could obtain a copy of the police report which might help you get your mother declared incompetent.
The big question right now is not who is executor of the will but who will take over the duties of power of attorney over your mother's affairs if she continues to deteriorate.
I agree with the poster who suggested that accusing people of stealing things (paranoia) can be a sign of dementia.
Yes, it can be, but you don't seem to understand, my mother was like this all her life....this isn't something new that just cropped up, she is just showing it more....
Yes, it can be, but you don't seem to understand, my mother was like this all her life....this isn't something new that just cropped up, she is just showing it more....
Yes--I always said with mother's increasing dementia that she was just getting to be more of herself. It was like an unveiling or pulling the man out from behind the curtain and it wasn't pretty. Whatever I did it just came off looking like I was negligent and I'm assuming that's what's happening here too.
stepka There is no power on earth that can make a sane person feel crazy so much as a narcissistic mother, unless it's a sociopath. Very much related those two. Anyway yes, TG you did not turn out like her. I'm dating a psychotherapist who also has a NM and he says that they are that way b/c it is too painful for them to turn their gaze inward and see themselves so they turn it outward and either blame the world or expect it to kowtow to them.
Hello Stepka, yes, indeed, my maternal mother gives a whole new meaning to evil. I'll tell you what really got to me, was....when my step father was dying of cancer. She was awful...I don't know if I wrote this before, but while he was in the hospital, he had to have a collastomy...she was so vocally mean to him, doctor called me and asked me to meet him, it was on a Sunday...we went down and he stormed into the room, angry as a hornet, and said, "your mother is so mentally ill, she should be institutionalized!" We explained that we had tried to no avail...and she refused to seek help, that she didn't need help, it was all of us. I knew my step father all my life...he was the kindest man...and it really destroyed me inside for a long time, knowing that she was so cruel to him while he was dying. I asked him if he wanted to come stay with us, that we were equiped to take care of him and he refused, so I tried to be there as much as possible. In the end, the poor man asked me to call and cancel the Kemo, as he wanted to go. I called him Dad...and my son and husband, at the time, loved him dearly. Very very sad....that his last moments had to be with her...she makes you want to scream...and yes, the power she had to make you feel crazy was intense. I ran away from home at 17 years old and married to get away from her....
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Anyway, what I said about the spiritual stuff was never meant to make you feel that you should go back there again. My bf says that he went around for awhile and the second he started to feel bad he left, but she never learned and now he never goes around anymore even though she only lives 2 miles away. You do what you have to do.
I won't go back there, and honestly, you didn't make me feel like I should...and I am going to see an attorney...to see if legally I can estrange from her. I don't feel sorry for her any longer...well, from a distance I do, but there is nothing more I can do.
stepka Yes--I always said with mother's increasing dementia that she was just getting to be more of herself. It was like an unveiling or pulling the man out from behind the curtain and it wasn't pretty. Whatever I did it just came off looking like I was negligent and I'm assuming that's what's happening here too.
believe you me, I do understand...
I was always so blessed with a solid and supportive foster family....(it was nothing legal, they simply lived across the street and I had known them since I was 5 years old and was always there, in the end, they realized just how bad my mother was, b/c they're daughters started seeing her at her worst)
Honestly, this is horrible to say, but her first husband, not my father, used to beat her...and it was wrong, I don't support any kind of violence what-so-ever, but in the same, could understand why...it was the most horrible thing...she was like a bad demon...she would egg you on and on and wouldn't stop, and it would continue all day, into the next and next...in your face, screaming, pushing, hitting...and instead of walking out, he used to loose it and hit her....another one of her husbands did the same...it was so bad, they at the time lived in Florida, he hit her, then left, boarded a plane for home, with just a wallet and the clothes on his back. He called me and asked to meet me...we did, and he was a mess...he begged me, my forgiveness for hitting her...and asked me why we never told him about her...I explained, "we discussed it over and over again, while you were dating, and my husband and I felt, if we'd come to you and try and explain, you wouldn't believe me/us". He thought about it a moment, and said, "yanno, I always thought you were a horrible daughter b/c of all the horrible things she said about you, but your not, and I want you to believe that". I told him it took years of counseling, but I knew that, and thanked him. He died 2 years later.
She is a human being, and honestly, I don't know what happened and why she is the way she is...I can only guess, her mother must have been the same way, and believe it or not, she never ever had a bad thing to say about her mother, her mother was the only person she loved...
I realize, some of this must have been in the gene pool, but I do believe a lot of it, was learned behavior? I don't know....? I'm tired of trying to figure it out...but deep within my heart, I do feel very sorry for her...what a horrible life she's lived...and no friends, she'd sabatoge every friendship she had...even with her husbands....? Sad....
Thank you all for offering your opinions, greatly appreciate all of you, it's all good, honestly....and if you ever want to vent, like I've done here, please do come back and do so, b/c it does help. I knew a long time ago, there was nothing I could ever do, but kept going back anyway, b/c my foster mom, kept asking me to never leave her, she was still my mother. You have to understand, my foster mom, was really naieve, and forgiving...and gave a new meanting to the saying, "time heals all wounds", and when your not around my mother for a long time, you forget...believe me, I know that well...then when you go back, and see her in action, you go..."omg".
So, Ladies, if any of you have had to deal with this in any form, no matter if your mother's were not as bad...believe you me, my heart goes out to you, and we can honestly be thankful that we are survivors...I'm sure your worst fears were, "the last thing I ever want to be, is like her." Thank God we realized that at an early age. If I hadn't had my foster parents, I would probably be her...Thank God for them, they saved my life and I am forever indebted to them.
And your mother is definitely "crazy" with a little evil thrown in for good measure.
I am so very sorry for what you suffered at her hands - you deserved so much better
It is a testimony to the kind of character you have that you do have any empathy or compassion for her at all.
But here's the thing, you can have empathy and compassion from a distance.
You have suffered enough honey. It is okay to protect yourself from further suffering by cutting her out of your life.
This would in fact be a HEALTHY thing to do.
It does not make you uncaring or cruel, it just makes you someone who values their own self worth
Hi there, thanks a bunch hon...hope you and yours are doing well!!! sending hugs
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