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I am 57 and my 27 year old son is "boomeranging" on me. He is not in good shape, and I could use the input and advice of anyone who has dealt with something similar.
I will try to avoid a lengthy stemwinding background post. Let's just put it this way. I love my son dearly and without reservation. He has always been introverted and not very social, but he is bright, and did well in school. His stepmother and I were concerned enough about his somewhat flat affect that we took him to a psychologist in his mid-teens. They found nothing horribly wrong but felt he was a borderline Asperger's case, though at the time we didn't have the resources to pursue it further. Yet, he graduated High School with honors and went to college on a full ride scholarship.
I am a software developer, and my son flattered me by desiring the same profession; however, I had my doubts that it was really his passion. I didn't see any fire in his belly for the work; it was more the idea of it. Sure enough, his grades faded and he dropped out of college after 3 semesters -- he hated it. He got into a relationship with a girl who basically took him to the cleaners and left him homeless and with an empty bank account. I scraped him off the pavement and got him back on his feet. He found a steady job in tech support, and eventually realized what he really wanted to do was computer systems administration. I paid his way to go back through school for that, and he obtained an AS in the field just when the economy crashed. He was underemployed after that, always struggling, but I attributed it mostly to the economy.
Over the years I moved cross country and he elected to stay in the Southwest US so we were some 2500 miles apart for a few years. I saw him once or twice a year when I was in town on business. The other day he phoned me in tears to come clean about a host of things. The precipitating factor was that he had gotten arrested and charged with a DUI. It's his first, but it's major, with a blood alcohol level suggesting 10 or 12 beers. And I had no idea he had a drinking problem. Beyond that it turns out:
* He didn't actually finish his degree, he's one course short.
* He has a number of other traffic tickets, minor stuff but in the aggregate his driving record is a mess.
* His car is heavily damaged from a freeway spin-out.
* He was laid off from his job 2 weeks ago
* He's broke and owed money to a loan shark
* He hasn't taken care of his dental health and his teeth are a mess; he's also gotten morbidly obese.
* He says he's suffered from a lot of depression and anxiety
In short he has hidden the vast majority of this from me. I've seen some indications of trouble, of course, but he seemed to be hanging in there as far as I could tell. Other than the layoff, which was related to his employer losing a major contract, most of the above reflects a failure to follow through and be responsible; he hasn't taken care of his responsibilities or of himself.
So I'm doing the Right Thing. I hired an attorney to deal with his DUI, I made him sell his car, and I'm flying him out East to be with me so that I can deal with his issues. I arranged an apartment nearby, will get him into therapy, and will do my best to mentor him out of his mess, yet somehow without enabling him. His main strength is that he wants to work, and when he has a job his attendance and performance are good. I expect in a couple of months he will be basically self-supporting financially (albeit just barely) and financially he just needs only this transitional boost from me. Thanks to the Affordable Care Act and his low income I can probably get him adequate health insurance for a change effective Jan 1, probably subsidized. So that's good news.
Still, we're very concerned that we maintain healthy boundaries and that we separate the stuff he can't help from the stuff he's responsible for. He has been hanging out with the wrong kinds of friends, and it has made him a little cagey and opportunistic, and I feel, understandably, "played". I love and accept him, but now there are huge trust issues and I'm concerned he'll drift toward the same kinds of relationships in this new settings unless I can really get him on board for something better. I have a window of opportunity here while he is contrite and open, but it's not going to be that way forever. If I'm not careful I will simply have bailed him out of natural consequences and he'll take it for granted.
His biological mother, BTW, is not in the picture, she has no interest in our children since the divorce 20 years ago, however, my current wife really cares for him and while I would not expect her to mother him at this late date, she's definitely a sport about this rather scary and unplanned Big Change in our lives.
I am basically just looking for others who have been through similar situations and what your advice would be. Any thoughts are appreciated.
I am the Mum of a 24 and 26 year old but I have not been in your situation so I have no direct experience with this. I just wanted to tell you that you are one amazingly loving and wonderful Father.
If I were in your shoes I would make it very clear that this was the last time he would be bailed out and any decision on his part to screw up, would mean he would be left to his fate. As much as we love our children and want the best for them, there has to come a time when we say enough is enough and allow them to take on the full repercussions for their actions or inactions.
I think all of the things you are doing, and the list is long, should help him smarten his act up. Hopefully he'll realise life isn't a game and start taking things a little more seriously. If he doesn't though, untie those apron strings and practice some tough love.
I really hope he respects you enough to make an effort, simply because he has a wonderful Dad.
I have not been in the OP's situation-I'm an adult with Asperger's who lives independently,
but I have the assistance of a team of professionals for counseling, advice, and problem-solving.
It sounds like your son could do with a case manager/social worker and voc rehab person (among others)
to help him work on his executive functioning/self-monitoring difficulties and build some structure into his life.
Find out if he qualifies for lower-cost services due to his financial circumstances and his disability/diagnosis.
Maybe even a "special needs trust" to parcel out his funds with a responsible person as executor ?
It's hard to help someone who may not be able to admit he needs help (I understand it can feel embarrassing).
I applaud you for trying-I can't guess how much difference you'll be able to make in your son's trajectory-I wish you well with it.
I really hope he respects you enough to make an effort, simply because he has a wonderful Dad.
He actually has a good deal of respect for me and is, or at least was, a dutiful son. I think there's still something to work with there. And as I said, at least he has a good work ethic.
Thanks for the kind words. And yes, "tough love" is in play here; if nothing else the state will see to that due to the DUI as there will be mandatory classes for him to attend, and quite possibly as much as 45 days of jail time or at least ankle bracelets and such as well as a pretty stiff fine (somewhere between $1K and $2.5K depending on how things go legally). And we have a Google spreadsheet going itemizing everything I am spending and we are fortunate to have an arrangement where he can work some of this off by helping me with my work. We are also taking care not to overwhelm him and try to build Rome in a day but non-negotiables include zero drinking and smoking and no more secrets or lies.
It sounds like your son could do with a case manager/social worker and voc rehab person (among others) to help him work on his executive functioning/self-monitoring difficulties and build some structure into his life.
Find out if he qualifies for lower-cost services due to his financial circumstances and his disability/diagnosis.
Maybe even a "special needs trust" to parcel out his funds with a responsible person as executor ?
It's hard to help someone who may not be able to admit he needs help (I understand it can feel embarrassing).
He seems open but that may moderate a bit after the initial shock and awe of the DUI and general financial collapse wears off, and he gets a job, etc. I have contacted the county mental health people and there's a 4 week waiting list but I think we can hook him up and hopefully not break the bank, thanks to his low income bracket. I agree he needs structure and accountability and I can't provide it all -- I would prefer to just be there to love and support him; as his parent I can't be his shrink and counselor beyond a certain point. Besides, I'm not always going to be here and I need to feel like he has some kind of support structure independent of me.
It is heartening to know that you've done well with your "team of professionals", as that is kind of the concept I've been planning to go with here.
My brother in law is a caseworker in another state who deals with fairly severe mainstreamed Asperger's cases and from what I gather from him, my son's situation is not nearly so bad as it could be. Still, it's hard to see him so alone in the world, and foundering so badly. He's well aware that he's "different" somehow.
I think the best possible advice is for your son to get a mentor who suffers from Aspergers but has become highly successful in spite of it (much easier said than done.)
I think the best possible advice is for your son to get a mentor who suffers from Aspergers but has become highly successful in spite of it (much easier said than done.)
Indeed. There is a local Asperger's support group but all the attendees are terribly low functioning and I fail to see how it's going to help him to hang out with people discussing video collections and guffawing over YouTube videos while unemployed and living off of parents. On the other hand a couple of the parents are clearly Aspies themselves, one of them is pretty high functioning but I would not impose my son on him, he's got his own to wrangle.
Meanwhile the group has not even reached out to the local universities to promote itself so it's not even attracting higher functioning people into the mix.
My best hope appears to be professional case workers, which will also build an infrastructure around him to look after him when I am gone, to the extent he doesn't get his own act together or still needs some external structure and accountability after I'm no longer able to provide it.
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