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I had a similar situation in my 20's. She had a bad temper and when she got drunk I was afraid. It got so bad I decided to leave and in fact moved some distance away to a very remote mountain property. She showed up at my door one day and I basically gave in and let her stay. Her drinking was still an issue, but she never again got violent. I fought it for a few years, but then she wised up and slowed down. I also realized that I was projecting my tolerance level onto her, in other words she could drink me under the table and then pass a sobriety test, where I would be passed out. Things did get better and we have now been married 26 years. So don't believe that it will only get worse, it certainly might, but it might get better to. She has to want to stop and if you force it it wont stick and she will resent you. It might be a lifelong sentence or a simple phase, only you can decide which you can live with..
It's good that you realize that she's an alcoholic. She might or might not ever stop drinking. You'll have to decide if you want to be with an alcoholic or not.
Personally, I wouldn't touch a future with her with a ten foot pole. My son is an alcoholic and I know the misery of having alcoholism in the family. You love them so much but they can tear your heart out.
I think there's a need in America to "label" things. There are plenty people who drink a lot, and I don't think we need to label them all as "alcoholics."
I watched a video course one time on alcoholism, that was the "new" way of looking at addiction. It was part of a requirement for a volunteer course I was taking on being an advocate for foster kids (unfortunately, I had to move and never did this - called CASA).
Anyway, the course said that just because someone drinks a lot, doesn't mean they are an alcoholic. Basically, it said if the person is functioning, even if they're using (this included a boat captain that used marijuana), that they weren't an "alcoholic."
So, the previous poster with the link to "functioning alcoholic," bothered me. If someone is functioning fine, and happens to imbibe, even a lot, who cares, really?
I like my wine, for instance. I like a constant buzz if I am drinking. I learned that I can't drink hard liquor because I will get too drunk. I like to sip constantly. So, drinking wine is the way to go for me. I maintain a lovely buzz, I am a happy participant in whatever is going on, with a somewhat flushed face and nose lol! But, I don't get sloppy drunk. If I drink hard liquor the same way, I do get sloppy.
I have other friends who you might say are alcoholics. And they do drink hard liquor. But, their personalities don't change and they function just fine.
Even in the AA Big Book, it suggests that the person who thinks they "may" be an alcoholic, try to moderate their drinking and see what happens. Perhaps your GF could try just drinking wine?
My daughter likes to drink when she goes out, but what she does to keep from getting "drunk," is to alternate drinks with glasses of water.
It might be a next step to see if your GF can try to moderate her drinking. She may not have to stop drinking altogether. Why don't you suggest that first?
Just a thought.
I agree completely.
AA is a cult in my estimation. Sorry, but that's what I think.
I’m 30 and she’s 27. We’ve been dating for a year and a half and live together. At first, I thought she was just a fun sorority girl who liked to go out and have fun on the weekends. But now, I see it’s much worse than that. She drinks as she cooks dinner almost every night. She drinks at brunch, after a night out to help the hangovers. She drinks to the point that she can’t stand almost every weekend. Lately, it’s been almost embarrassing to take her to social events, as I know she’s going to make a scene and stumble everywhere. She gets upset with herself after a day of drinking and she realizes all the money she spent and how dumb she acts.
The thing is, she’s a very smart and successful girl. She has a great corporate job and never let’s drinking effect her performance at work.
I’ve told her I’m concerned. I’ve told her it bothers me. She says when I tell her that I’m concerned for her, that it makes her feel bad and that she will try to control herself better. But, it never happens. It’s getting to the point that I don’t even believe that she wants to change anymore. Last weekend, when we were at a birthday party, I joked with her saying “Just watch, you’ll be up drunk dancing (to the band) in 2 hrs” and she said, “no, I won’t.” Literally, 2 hours later she couldn’t even stand. It’s pathetic.
However, I love her. Do I stay with her or not? I feel like she is bringing me down with her. I don’t want to spend my entire life taking care of her or dealing with her drunkenness. What do I do?
If you want to save yourself a lot of grief check out alanon. You will get some good advice on which way to go with this relationship, good luck!
AA is a cult in my estimation. Sorry, but that's what I think.
A.A. is not a cult because I'm totally free and my life got better. One could try and make a cult out of A.A. I suppose. No one is there to rule anybody. There are no leaders. Could someone let another steal their money, take advantage of another sexually, etc.? Sure.
But this can happen at church or in your bowling league. You don't have to be a pissing post for every stray dog that walks by. Don't be a victim.
Most people who call A.A. a cult are radical atheists, tied to the pharmaceutical industry or the judicial system or were told they didn't need it or had a spouse dump them after getting sober.
A.A. has a 75% recovery rate for those who need AND do it.
The person you quoted referenced something in the A.A. book they found useful; "We don't like to pronounce anyone as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest bar room and try some controlled drinking and stop abruptly. Try it more than once."
Another is the Marty Mann test. That's two drinks, regular drinks, for 30 days, no more, and no less, and don't skip a day.
You do that and you ain't alky. Another perhaps safer test is don't drink for a year on your own power. You do that and you probably ain't alky.
I married a man who was on the wagon, but I didn't know it. Second marriage, so we weren't young. After 3 years he began drinking and eventually it was clear he was an alcoholic. We finally divorced. I never knew if he would be drunk or sober when he came home. I never married again. If you marry this woman and have children, it will not be what your children deserve or you either. It will be tough going through a break up. Not fun at all. Eventually, vodka will be her drink, since there's no odor. I mean at work. She will start with it at work.
I think there's a need in America to "label" things. There are plenty people who drink a lot, and I don't think we need to label them all as "alcoholics."
I watched a video course one time on alcoholism, that was the "new" way of looking at addiction. It was part of a requirement for a volunteer course I was taking on being an advocate for foster kids (unfortunately, I had to move and never did this - called CASA).
Anyway, the course said that just because someone drinks a lot, doesn't mean they are an alcoholic. Basically, it said if the person is functioning, even if they're using (this included a boat captain that used marijuana), that they weren't an "alcoholic."
So, the previous poster with the link to "functioning alcoholic," bothered me. If someone is functioning fine, and happens to imbibe, even a lot, who cares, really?
I like my wine, for instance. I like a constant buzz if I am drinking. I learned that I can't drink hard liquor because I will get too drunk. I like to sip constantly. So, drinking wine is the way to go for me. I maintain a lovely buzz, I am a happy participant in whatever is going on, with a somewhat flushed face and nose lol! But, I don't get sloppy drunk. If I drink hard liquor the same way, I do get sloppy.
I have other friends who you might say are alcoholics. And they do drink hard liquor. But, their personalities don't change and they function just fine.
Even in the AA Big Book, it suggests that the person who thinks they "may" be an alcoholic, try to moderate their drinking and see what happens. Perhaps your GF could try just drinking wine?
My daughter likes to drink when she goes out, but what she does to keep from getting "drunk," is to alternate drinks with glasses of water.
It might be a next step to see if your GF can try to moderate her drinking. She may not have to stop drinking altogether. Why don't you suggest that first?
Just a thought.
I don't know where to start in responding to this post. Based on some of your comments in this post, it is apparent you have never met an alcoholic. You are correct that plenty people who drink a lot who are not alcoholics. There are people who abuse alcohol and are binge drinkers who are not alcoholics. I think most of the people who responded on this thread know this. People who have experience or have lived with an alcoholic don't label someone who drinks a lot as an alcoholic. An alcoholic is a much worse, much more serious condition that in most cases ends in a premature death. My father died of alcoholism in his 50s and my brother died of alcoholism in his 40s.
Regarding your comment about a functioning alcoholic, first, an alcoholic doesn't imbibe. They drink to get smashed. They build up a tolerance for alcohol and will drink way beyond what will kill other people. You were not describing an alcoholic, you are describing a person with a drinking problem. My father functioned for almost 25 years. He went to work every day. The company covered for him. My mother covered for him. My brother got a college degree. so he was obviously functioning. The difference is the alcoholic really only cares about one thing and that is the next time he gets smashed. Many have enough control to hold off while they try to hold a job or cover other responsibilities but sooner or later it catches up with them.
One alcoholic in recovery told me how he would get off work in the summer on a Friday afternoon. He would go out to his truck where he stashed a 1.75 L bottle of vodka in the hot vehicle. He would start chugging it in the parking lot and have it finished by the time he got home. He would continue drinking and black out. He sometimes didn't sober up until the following Monday when he was supposed to be back at work. He would remember anything that happened after he got home on Friday.
Regarding the statement that, "Even in the AA Big Book, it suggests that the person who thinks they "may" be an alcoholic, try to moderate their drinking and see what happens," this statement is not for alcoholics. Alcoholics think they can stop at any time, they just don't want to stop.
Regarding your daughter, she is obviously not an alcoholic since alcoholics only objective is to get drunk.
I agree with you last comment advising the OP see if he can get his GF to try to moderate her drinking. An alcohol abuser can moderate their drinking if they want to and may do it until their next binge. An alcoholic must go into recovery and stop drinking. They may appear to stop drinking but they have stashed bottles and are drinking secretly. Their body has built up a tolerance and it may be difficult to tell they have been drinking heavily. Sooner or later you find their stash or garbage bags filled with empty vodka bottles.
Very few alcoholics stop drinking with treatment and fewer less do it on their own. Many have signs of cirrhosis of the liver by age 40 and I new of one alcoholic who died of it at age 42. At some point, you worry that they will kill someone else either with a vehicle or in a fit of rage.
Hopefully this gives you a clearer picture of what a terrible, hopeless disease alcoholism is.
A.A. is not a cult because I'm totally free and my life got better. One could try and make a cult out of A.A. I suppose. No one is there to rule anybody. There are no leaders. Could someone let another steal their money, take advantage of another sexually, etc.? Sure.
But this can happen at church or in your bowling league. You don't have to be a pissing post for every stray dog that walks by. Don't be a victim.
Most people who call A.A. a cult are radical atheists, tied to the pharmaceutical industry or the judicial system or were told they didn't need it or had a spouse dump them after getting sober.
A.A. has a 75% recovery rate for those who need AND do it.
The person you quoted referenced something in the A.A. book they found useful; "We don't like to pronounce anyone as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest bar room and try some controlled drinking and stop abruptly. Try it more than once."
Another is the Marty Mann test. That's two drinks, regular drinks, for 30 days, no more, and no less, and don't skip a day.
You do that and you ain't alky. Another perhaps safer test is don't drink for a year on your own power. You do that and you probably ain't alky.
Quote:
Originally Posted by McGowdog
Good points but I disagree with you about an alcoholic wanting to just get smashed and not ever wanting to stop.
At times, some of us do want to stop.
At times, some of us do want to control and enjoy our drinking, but "change our mind" once we've had a couple.
Some of us have a huge tolerance but that goes down considerably when the liver gets tired.
There are several levels of alcoholism and we all drink differently.
But I agree with much of what you say.
McGowdog,
Thanks for your reply. I agree that you can't stereotype alcohoics. For example, in your earlier post you stated, "Another perhaps safer test is don't drink for a year on your own power. You do that and you probably ain't alky."
Tell me if you have seen this. During my father's 25 year progression of alcoholism, he had several periods of time when he appeared to stop drinking. My mother lived with him and did not notice any drinking at all for periods of over a year. There were at least 3-4 of these over a 25 year period but he eventually relapsed each time. This goes against your comment and most of the expert opinions I have heard. Any thoughts of how this could happen?
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