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You guys are reminding me that I'm only giving part of the picture when I post my vacation photos on FB (and I tend to travel a lot) but have left out the: divorce, knife attack on me at school, flunking my certification test the first time around, dealing with issues of mom's dementia and grandma's cancer and then mom's cancer and now my cancer, my now empty nest and then how it feels to have been alone all thru this. And yet what would it serve to post all that negative stuff--it would look like I'm just trying to get sympathy so I leave it off. Since 1/4 of my FB "friends" don't even like me and 1/2 of them are unaware of any of the things that I've mentioned, I leave it off. Perhaps I should have been more selective in my friending on FB, but too late to change that now w/o offending a whole lotta people. I give a much truer picture of what my life is like on here w/ folks I've never seen and I'm ok with that.
BTW, while I spend very little time envying other people, I do have my moments. This past summer I had a whirlwind romance that I'd hoped would turn into something real but while I was on vacation in a couple of places I'd always wanted to go--Cape Breton Island and Maine--but he and I gradually lost touch and his emails became less and less frequent and then I started noticing all these seemingly happy couples and families and I was traveling with my daughter but I kept noticing the happy looking couples. It was just a mood but it lasted a good long while but it's better now though that could be due to the fact that I'm dating someone really nice now that I like even better than the WW romance from this summer. Really though, this is just a mood and this too shall pass and breakups usually do inspire these kinds of feelings. It's good to come on here and get perspective though.
I understand where you're coming from. Not having a family bothers me most around the holidays. I never really missed having kids because I have so many of them in my life. I don't really have anyone to spend the holidays with because one friend moved to Florida and the other one we used to spend the holidays with drank herself to death at 59. I just like going to work and being with my friends there. I have enough good people in my life to keep me amused the rest of the year that I consider to be better then family. I got to hand pick every one of them
TRUST ME, ANYONE that says they have the "perfect marriage" or "perfect family" is lying thru their teeth.
Both relationships with kids and marriages that are TRULY GOOD have to be worked thru.....trust me, working thru one right now with one of our kiddos. LOVE her to no end, but when she needed assistance, we provided an OPTION since we can afford to help, but it came with "attachments" she did not accept. No problem, do it on your own if you don't accept our rules of engagement for the type of financial outlay you are looking for. Do we still love her? To the moon and back! Will we be there to assist her, YES, but only on OUR terms.
Grateful beyond belief that DH and I are united on this front. We raised 6 kids, NO one is perfect, but they are all ok right now except for this one that is off track, but we know NOT IN NEED, only making poor choices.
TRUE friends share this with each other....this kind of "you will never believe what they did now" kind of sharing to help us each realize that it is TRULY NOT A PERFECT WORLD!
I hate being like this. Everyone's perfect professional family photos, vacations, beautiful homes, christmas etc....I never had kids (never wanted them but now at 40 I regret it and now it's not possible most likely) I'm married but rent a town home that is ok but has some damages from the dogs. We don't live paycheck to paycheck back can't afford vacations. Should I be ashamed of my life? Is it bad I've never owned a home?
You would have appreciated a photo Christmas card we got from some friends, then. It looked spontaneous and perfectly expressed the hidden struggle behind the picture of the "perfect family."
Everyone's all dressed up in their Christmas best and sitting on the davenport. Mom is turned to DH, son and daughter with her hands raised in a pleading gesture and an exasperated look on her face. Daughter is making the classic teen-aged eye roll. Father is deadpan with his arms folded. And son is sulking, slouched with his fist on his chin.
A friend once told me, "Never compare your insides to someone else's outsides."
No if you have a job then there's literally nothing to be ashamed of. If owning a home is what you wish, then you could still work for it. I wouldn't worry about kids. If you never wanted them, then there's nothing that you're missing out on. They are much more work/expense than dogs and not even worth it.
I know the feeling though. I do not care about "perfect" because there is no such thing but I wish I had had a better family. If I had a father that actually cared then I would not be in this mess. I only feel this way though because I can't get a job at all. I am the first to say it is my own decisions but if someone had been there to tell me that what I was doing was wrong then I would have been okay but no one ever was. Sure I have my mom but that's it and she is more messed up than me in some ways.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 124c41
Many times things in life aren't always as they seem. I have seen this too many times. I have known people that struggle to maintain a façade in public or around friends, but in reality, their lives aren't anymore special than mine.
Never feel like your life is less than someone else's. For all we know, that person may long for our lifestyle.
I don't know who would long for my life....few people if at all. Exactly though things aren't always what they seem. If people were to envy me it's because they don't know the whole story. The only thing I really have to be envious for is one of my dogs and that's considering they would be able to handle her crapping in the home.
Just because you'll never have a perfect family is no reason not to have any kids at all. Having kids is an important part of who we are. Even if it's hell, it's still better than not having them. Not having them, you're skipping too much of what's important in life. But you should never expect to get your happiness from your kids. Happiness comes from success at working towards our goals. Kids are a side issue, hardly relevant to that. To be happy, you have to have realistic goals, and you have to be making progress towards those goals. Nobody should have a goal of living a normal life. Everyone needs to accomplish something that sets them apart from other people. Most of your goals in life should be aimed towards that. When you die, how do you want to be remembered? "Successfully lived a normal life?" That's not the formula for happiness. You need a passion. A vocation or avocation that you're passionate about. And find ways to improve it. Ways to make things easier for other practitioners of your art. Become known in your field. The person who discovered the better way to do things or whatever. That's what success is really all about. Accomplishing things. Becoming known for your accomplishments. But even if you aren't accomplishing such things, the secret to happiness is working towards such accomplishments. So just keep working, doing what you do best, and try to find better ways to do it. And treat your children like a hobby, not like your life's goal. But a very important hobby, which nobody should try to skip, because almost everyone would regret skipping that particular hobby.
Both of my parents were alcoholics. My sister and I went through some horrible situations that I would not want anyone else to go through. In many ways, I am lucky to be alive.
My mother has several siblings with grown children and good jobs that seem as though they have the "perfect family." Do I sometimes get disappointed that I missed out on that? Yes. But then I realize I am a survivor. They sure as hell didn't go through what I did. I keep the good memories and try to move away from the bad memories.
I am not out to please anybody in this life or conform to any notion of "perfection." I do things that give me satisfaction. I find that the simple things in life are what bring real happiness.
I don't know if the OP has come back to this thread or not, but as just about every post here has indicated, what you see isn't always what you get.
I think a lot of families look good in pics and behind closed doors as others have said have issues.
My original post still stands though, as it does sound a bit rough, the point I was making is that instead of focusing so much on what she perceived to be the problem was actuality not, people shouldn't try to compare themselves and make judgments, while it's human nature to a degree, having awareness about it should in of itself help to some degree.
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