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My husband does this thing where all of the attention and focus needs to be on him always. Like, I have to maintain and nurture and care for him, and if I have a problem, he has a worse one. If I'm unhappy or having issues, he's got bigger and worse issues. When I was GIVING BIRTH to our kids...the first time, he was checked out because he worked all day and didn't eat and was tired, and his problems were obviously more important than our child being born. The second time, he had actually had surgery recently, but he had my nurses (and me) checking out his healing incision, while I was in labor. This was ages ago... But I have a new friend now that I'm spending a lot of time with. Honestly, our marriage is a mess, I'm about ready for it to be over with, and friendship is more valuable (and enjoyable) to me than whatever it is I have left with him...but he is now going through "a process" of "reinventing himself" and if I attempt to speak about my feelings on anything, he derails me and says I'm "not helping his stress levels."
Today I went to lunch with my friend. Around lunchtime I started getting texts about how horribly his back is hurting.
When I was wracked with grief over the loss of a very dear friend last year, he was coming back from a month working a job in another state, and told me that I had better not be sad about Dave still, because he was missing me and looking forward to celebrating. I had a few days to "get over it" so I could be what he needed by the time he got home.
No matter what, I am cornered into a caregiver role with him. It's how he keeps me contained, or at least it feels that way. Obviously I have problems with this. But that isn't the point.
What I'm asking is, for those of you who practically know the book on issues and disorders, does this actually sound like...something you have heard of? People who suddenly have mental or physical health crises in order to keep the focus on them to the exclusion of others, or use their own wellbeing (or lack of) to manipulate others?
Follow your heart. There may well be diagnostic labels for how your husband is behaving. It is not so important really. What is important is that you are tired of it and see through it and want to rid yourself of its draining influence.
You are not there yet of course - that is obvious - but you are more there than not. You have been in a habitual relationship in which you have played the role forced upon you for the sake of whatever it is you believe marriage is about. I learned a while back that the greatest 'ship' was friendship and your present relationship shows clearly that friendship is not evident and likely will never be.
We each have to be self responsible and balance that with the knowledge we are also inextricably interdependent. Whatever you do, do not fall for the same thing in those who present as potential friends. Small sure steps is always the best option and this requires penetrating guises. A good sign is that if there exist guises which need penetrating, then look elsewhere. In the mean time, be your own best friend. Indeed, demand this from any potential friends you cross paths with...not outwardly of course - just look for the signs that they are well adjusted individuals happy in themselves and not needy for your friendship.
I won't say 'good luck' but rather, put the hard yards into this new direction and you will benefit from doing so.
It's called being an *******. I think my dad is kinda like that. If anyone has a problem, he will give you a detailed story about how he had a similar, but much worse, scenario. Sometimes these events occurred as far back as the '70s, but you have to listen to them, then he'll tell you everybody has problems and to get over it. Not helpful.
He always tells this story about how my mom was in labor with me (I'm the oldest) for 24 hours and he was just so hungry the whole time and he couldn't get anything to eat and he was just starving, so when she was in labor with my sister, he made a bunch of sandwiches and stopped at the donut shop on the way to the hospital to pick up a dozen donuts so he would have plenty of food to eat while she labored. The second time was only 6 hours, so it was a complete waste of food. I would've been pissed if my husband sat back and snacked the whole time I was in labor. Sigh....
If you want out, get out. Constantly caring for someone without reciprocation is very exhausting. Maybe even have a mediator present when you tell him so he can't talk his way around it. You can do it .
I really appreciate everyone's input. Rotagivan, what you say especially harmonizes with the conclusions I am reaching.
It's interesting, I think we typecast ourselves from an early age, and unless we are extremely vigilant to avoid doing so, we wind up in the same roles time and again in most of our relationships with others, no matter what the nature of them. I was caregiving for my very depressed mother and my newborn brother beginning around age 9, and never stopped taking care of every stray soul that crossed my path since then. The worst part is when my strong facade cracks a bit and I have a weak time of my own...I've never had anyone in my life that was there to hear a cry for comfort. I have to work through these times by myself. Then, usually in the middle of them, I see all of the comfort I give to everyone I've ever cared about and it feels pretty terrible. I approach new friendships too often with an extremely generous hand, giving more than I can afford...in several different aspects material and abstract alike...and then wonder why this happens? I need to come to a place where I have nothing to prove, and don't have to "buy" affection. I do have some friendships like that, but they are with people far away that I see usually about once a year.
So...some of this is him, some of it is me, and all of it is messy and trying. We have teenage sons, and that makes it harder to just leave. Our boys don't want us to divorce. They are worried about Dad's ability to care for himself without me. Rightfully so, since he has threatened self harm if I do go. I don't believe he has any right to hold me hostage with his own life, but I worry about the family, so I've been trying to wait until the kids are grown. T-minus-five-years on the prison sentence...
Anyhow, thanks for reading, and for chiming in. I was just wondering if this behavior was some kind of a...you know...a thing, that they have a name for. Like narcissism is a thing, or Munchausen's or hypochondria or bipolar...because it's not definitively any of those, but it seems like it's SOMETHING. You know?
I would say narcissism....but, does it matter what combo of diagnoses?
Do you know much about his childhood?
No one is really a dirtbag...they are wounded, then, their injuries
spread out like ripples and hurt others.
Emotionally handicapped people are like people with a damaged leg...
they can NOT be expected to walk like a regular person...you can't get
mad at them, because they are damaged and injured ...usually by others.
I bet his mom only gave love when he was sick, common.
Taking it personally is never the right play...compassion...and also taking care of yourself are No 1 priorities.
Take care, sis.
I would say narcissism....but, does it matter what combo of diagnoses?
Do you know much about his childhood?
No one is really a dirtbag...they are wounded, then, their injuries
spread out like ripples and hurt others.
Emotionally handicapped people are like people with a damaged leg...
they can NOT be expected to walk like a regular person...you can't get
mad at them, because they are damaged and injured ...usually by others.
I bet his mom only gave love when he was sick, common.
Taking it personally is never the right play...compassion...and also taking care of yourself are No 1 priorities.
Take care, sis.
I am in the CS, also...funny.
His father was an extreme punisher and his mother an extreme giver of love and affection. Neither one crossed into the territory of the other, pretty much ever. One time as a young adult he got in a bad drunk driving accident and totaled the car. He called his Mom, and she came out and had him drive her car home, and waited there for the police and then played the silly woman card and took the whole thing on herself. She was there to bail him out of every major problem he ever had. And she loves me because I take good care of him, keep him out of trouble, and she doesn't have to worry about him. He has only, in recent years, mended things with his father after years of animosity following a childhood of intense physical punishment from the man.
It's been another struggle to get him to understand my boundaries where physical discipline of our kids goes (he's not too bad, doesn't want to be his father, but he has gone a bit too far in anger a few times, and I've had to put him in check over it, privately of course, not in front of the boys) and more importantly to keep him remembering how much he wanted his own father's approval and respect...and that he needs to make sure he is positive to the kids at least sometimes. That we jointly share both the reward and the authoritarian ends of parenting.
I don't really think he is a bad man or anything. But that doesn't mean I'm prepared to spend the rest of my life with him. When I go, it will be because I need to, not because I'm punishing him...unfortunately I really don't think he's going to see it that way. I'm looking into therapy now, at least for myself, and we will see from there if it makes sense for him or for us... I am looking for an exit strategy that won't result in a storm of collateral damage.
His father was an extreme punisher and his mother an extreme giver of love and affection. Neither one crossed into the territory of the other, pretty much ever. One time as a young adult he got in a bad drunk driving accident and totaled the car. He called his Mom, and she came out and had him drive her car home, and waited there for the police and then played the silly woman card and took the whole thing on herself. She was there to bail him out of every major problem he ever had. And she loves me because I take good care of him, keep him out of trouble, and she doesn't have to worry about him. He has only, in recent years, mended things with his father after years of animosity following a childhood of intense physical punishment from the man.
It's been another struggle to get him to understand my boundaries where physical discipline of our kids goes (he's not too bad, doesn't want to be his father, but he has gone a bit too far in anger a few times, and I've had to put him in check over it, privately of course, not in front of the boys) and more importantly to keep him remembering how much he wanted his own father's approval and respect...and that he needs to make sure he is positive to the kids at least sometimes. That we jointly share both the reward and the authoritarian ends of parenting.
I don't really think he is a bad man or anything. But that doesn't mean I'm prepared to spend the rest of my life with him. When I go, it will be because I need to, not because I'm punishing him...unfortunately I really don't think he's going to see it that way. I'm looking into therapy now, at least for myself, and we will see from there if it makes sense for him or for us... I am looking for an exit strategy that won't result in a storm of collateral damage.
Unfortunately collateral damage is part of the process. Damage is being done anyway. You care about the consequences of your decisions which will ripple onto your family, specifically your sons. They obviously are mature enough to see the situation - that you're essentially your husbands mother. That is to say, you are a mother figure to your husband rather than a wife...and they are worried about how their dad is going to handle the inevitable separation.
It is vitally important and sadly not that common, that a couple are first and foremost friends and this requires the ingredients I spoke of in my last post. Any other way spells dysfunction which spills out into society, which explains a lot about why society is as it it, generally speaking.
Unfortunately the role your husband is playing is not actually one of dad or husband, but more like son and oldest brother.
Sometimes the threat of self harm/suicide is just that. A tool designed to attack the emotions and in this way trap the potential victims into doing what the one threatening wants the victims to do.
Your sons for their part, don't want you to separate because they are afraid of what might happen to their dad without you. Are they old enough to get on board with you on this and not approve of the way their father is acting? All too often sons repeat what fathers have taught and you might save them from feeling the need to look for a mother in their future partners.
So you have to serve 'T-minus-five-years on the prison sentence...' - for the sake of allowing your sons to reach an age where they have possibly placed themselves in better positions and can far better understand the dynamics involved.
Has your husband ever actually attempted suicide? This threatening to do self harm speaks of someone who has not matured enough and isn't all that likely to do so while his enablers continue to fall for it.
His rift with his own dad being mended...how mended is it? Does he spend time interacting with his dad? Was it a band aid over a cut needing stitches? I ask because if it was a healing thing for your husband and a friendship between he and his dad was forthcoming, this could show promise in regard to your own relationship.
But anyway, you have committed yourself to at least five more years, plenty of time to wean your husband off the teat - so to speak - and plan for you own future. Let him know that you are not falling for his game and see through it and that he needs to man up and take responsibility for his own life and if he wants the relationship to work he not only has to make the effort and commit to it, but he needs to completely rid himself of the habitual programming that currently (and for most of his life) he has been expressing.
Seriously - there is potential for him to see himself in a new light and thus see you in a new light and perhaps love you as a close and well appreciated friend. Five years is enough time for it to go either way, but make it obvious to him that you are focused on your own peace of mind and happiness and if he wants to be a part of that, then serious and genuine efforts of self improvement are required on his part, or he will be left alone to deal with the affects of his self induced misery.
After re-reading before posting - it occurs to me that relationships between men and women often reflect to some degree the need for the mother/father aspect to be present...it isn't so unnatural really, and shouldn't be totally rejected - just not the unhealthy focus upon. It is there but should not be in the drivers seat in relation to each other - male and female relationship. Friendship is the key. That is why I am wondering about how your husband and his dad relate. Are they friends?
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