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Hello, I'm sorry for this long post, and the long post in the reply.
I feel like this childhood experienced background of mine is the roots of all the problems I'm having right now. I'm trying to find a way to fix this. I don't know if this is 'Normal' for me to still have all these internal conflicts feelings inside me. It seem like I have multiple layers of concerns and problems.
I'm apologize for the bad grammars, English is my third language.
I had a cold childhood, my father was a businessman back in our homeland China. He always on business trips working to make money to immigrant our whole family to USA, it is not cheap to immigrant to US
We able to came to USA, thank you to my father money from his hard work. Our whole family immigrant to USA when I was 12 year olds.
My mother is an abusive mother, she always take out her anger on her children (me and my older brother)
Mom emotionally/mentally and physically abusive to me. In my whole childhood, all I heard is she belittle me, scold at me, and put me down like a dog. In her eyes, I worth less than a dog on the street.
She also ‘physically’ beaten me one time, beaten me with more than one Belts. I had bruises on arms, and tears on my skin, and red slap hand marks across my face. Mom said parents in China physically beat their children all the time, so she thinks it okay for her to hit me here in USA
Well, she can't do that here. This went to Court for she “Domestic Child Abuse” me, and I was taken to “Froster Home” for few years before I got return home.
The physically abuse did stop. But she continue to belittle me, and being emotionally abusive to me through her words.
She is also a very controlling mom. When me and my older brother live with her, she check through our trash, digging through our Trash like we are her prisoners. Yes, she checking/digging through our Trash!! She goes through our drawers, our room, checking our trash every single day.
I don’t know how can anyone breath living like that, that is why I left home.
When I turn 18, I left my mother house. I left with just my clothes and little money I make from work at my High school library. When I left, I said it straight to her face: "Even if I died on the street, I will never crawl back to her for help".
I end up living in the Homeless Shelter for some time, before I can find myself a place. I became a College dropped out. In my 20s, I didn't care about dating because all I can think of is work to pay Rent, or else I'm gonna end up in the Homeless Shelter again.
I started my life over from scratch. Work different minimum wage jobs, bought a used car. Move to a cheap rent bad area neighborhood. The rent here is cheap so it does help me alot in saving up money every month.
I work at a Retail job that pay me hourly and little commission. I am far far from rich, but I do make enough to support myself. I keep my words, never once I come back to my mom for help.
Times sure fly by fast, I'm already 30 year olds. It clearly that I don't have a close relationship with my mom at all. I forgave her for how she treated me in my childhood. I thought I left my childhood behind me when I walk out of her house, but subconsciously I don't think I have let it go.
I'm poor, but I'm Financially independent. I live within my means, and I am frugal. Every month beside pay Rent/Bills. Left over money, I put my Saving accounts. I do have an obssesion with saving money. Am I too obssesed with saving money? Well, I'm on my own, so have no choice but save up money for survival when it come to emergency and rainy days.
Financially, my parents are doing very okay here in US, they have 3 Chinese restaurants business here. They sure don't need their children help.
The poor one is their daughter because I chose to leave my mother, I chose to be on my own. I chose the poor life because I want Freedom. I am NOT a fish in a bowl, I am not a bird in a cage for my mom to control and dictate around.
I love my freedom and my independent life too much. I rather live in the homeless Shelter again if I have to. I don't want to go back to that controlling life and that hell house of my mother again. Hope this make sense.
I'm the girl that hiked the mountain by myself. The girl would drive for hours to the top of the mountain. I love snow, I love skiing. I love to travel alone to different places. I love the street, I love nature. I go where ever life drift me to.
I’m just so used to be a wanderer, the independent and carefree girl. I love doing charity. I love to help out the homeless, volunteer on holiday at Homeless shelter.
I want to go to poor third world countries to do volunteer/charity works, help those hungry/orphaned childrens there. This is my life, I love my freedom. The life that I can fly freely like a bird in the sky.
I thought that carefree/independent life is the life I will live until the day I died. Until 4 years ago, I met my husband. We live in the same cheap rent bad neighborhood area; that was how we met, dated and dmarried.
Met him when I was 26 and were friends prior to dating. After his long chase, we dated when I was 28 and we got married three months ago, I'm 30 this year. It was me that drag this relationship too long, we should have got married earlier instead of wait till I'm 30
I married him with nothing. We got married very simple, at the City Hall/ Courthouse with 2 witnesses. There was No engagement ring, No wedding reception, NO honeymoon. In defense of my husabnd, it was me that chose not to have any of that. Giving my carefree and independent lifestyle, it isn't a surprise at all that I don't want materialistic stuff.
My mother give me alot of hardship over this relationship/marriage with my husband. Mom dislike him because he is not Chinese. She is part of the reason why I chose to get married at the City hall/Courhouse. There was no point of me having a wedding because nobody on my side of the family going to show up. When there nobody on the bride side going to show up, there no point of have a wedding.
I know when I chose to married my husband, my mom will disown me and she already did disown me. But I have zero regrets, he is an awesome awesome husband.
It clearly that the relationship between me and my mother is beyond mendable. But I do love my old father, the father that never abuse me.
I do drive back home to vist my father twice a month. But my mom still haven't change, she still belittle me and insulting me. Trust me you know what emotional abusive is when you can see your own tears drop down the rice bowl while eating. That is me, I swallow my own tears while eating on the dinner table. NEVER once I can have a nice meal with my old dad with my mom presence, hearing she insulting me.
If it weren't for my father, I don't think I have the strength to come back home to visit. I love and miss my father very much.
Regarding my marriage; it seem fine, our sex life is fine. I asked husband if he is happy, he said he is happy and he likes to 'stay married'. The 4 years we know each others, from friends to dating to marriage; the whole relationship is full of fidelity on both physically and emotionally level, there is no third party between us.
He is an affectionate, loving, caring and responsible husband. He adores me, he literally kiss my butt cheek everyday, everytime we in be together.
He working 2 jobs right now, everyday working 12-14 hours so we can have enough money to buy a house. He also have baby fever, he really want a baby and I promise him that we TTC in 2016 when we buy our house. I be 31 year olds in 2016, so I don't think that is too too late.
I'm not even pregnant yet and he already kiss my stomach. He said when I’m pregnant, he wants to kiss my stomach EVERYDAY for 9 Months until the baby born.
I can already tell our future baby will be spoil, still in stomach not even born yet and already have daddy kisses everyday. And with the way he is I can tell that he will spoil his kids rotten.
About buy the house, the person that keep on insist aim at 50% down-payment is me. I always have the thinking that larger down-payment will give us smaller mortgage monthly.
And we're not buying a big house so we should pay in cash as much as we can. So we don't have to worry many many years of paying monthly mortgage. Is this wrong thinking?
I have already talk with my husband more about this, and he said he go with what I want. Part of the problem is that he always go along with what I want so I can be happy.
When I said I prefer to pay the house half in Cash; he doesn't even talk back. He said 'Alright, anything you want', and he went find a second job. Working his butt off 2 jobs everyday to fulfill my prefer "pay house half in cash"
Well, he did promise that after we married he will listen to what his wife say. But then he dotes on his wife, and spoil his future children rotten, this is not good. He did said when we have kids, he will spoil his children.
He said after I became his wife, first thing I said is I aim to pay the house half in Cash. And he said as a husband he will make it happen for me even if that means he have to work 3 jobs.
But I said No! I don't want him to that much because I don't think we can have time with each others if he working 3 jobs.
Right now he is working 2 jobs, and both of his jobs are Physical labor jobs. He sure is physically tired when he he get home. There are days when he have to work overnight too. I'm sure he stress out at his jobs, but never once he raise his voice on me.
He is an awesome husband, and I feel like I'm giving him a hard time over this 50% house down-payment.
My husband plan: He aim for 20% down-payment. He continue to work 2 jobs till 2016, then 2016 combine our saving to pay for the house down-payment. We not buying a big house so mortgage should be okay.
Then he will be back to work 1 job, and we TTC have our baby. He does want to spend time with the baby. This is first marriage and first baby for both so he really excited to be a father.
But my plan: I aim for 50% down-payment, for sure we will not have enough money by 2016, so if I get pregnant then we will have to move to a more safe neighborhood to Rent.
And we continue to saving up money to pay for the house half in Cash that I aim for. We just have to buy our house later when we have enough money for the 50% down-payment I want.
Financially we doing okay, we are far far from rich. He working 2 jobs and I work 1 job. We both are Financially independent.
We are poor, but not like we dirt poor. We both been working for more than a decade, so we do have okay money save up. None of us are big spender so it does helps alot.
The good thing is both of us have perfect Credit scores. None of us have any kind of debt. None of us have any Credit-card debt. Our whole life so far, we are Debt-free. This does make us happy, especially me.
Here in USA, ALOT of people are in Credit-card debt. I'm so happy that we are Debt-free. And I want to remain that way, so I like to pay things off immediately as much as I can.
I love my husband, I really do. He is on my thoughts before I go to sleep, and on my thoughts first thing when I wake up. I do want to spend another year with him as a couple before we TTC, but he sooo ready for a baby. BUT I'm sooo not ready to TTC this year.
It does see,m like I'm looking at this at an 'All or Nothing approach'. I feel that perhaps I'm using the pay the house 'half in Cash" as an excuse to buy time? Or perhaps the childhood experienced of my abusive mother is making me scare of become a mommy?
I also have a problem with giving in to my husband 100% on the emotionally level. It seem like from my childhood experienced, I build up emotional walls inside to protect myself from getting hurt emotionally.
I guess when I was little, I open my heart to my mom; and she abusive, she hurts me. So now I'm scare to be vulnerable. Even to my husband, I try to prevent myself from being vulnerable.
It like the more I love him, the more scare I am of my own feelings. I'm scare that he will see my vulnerable side. I don't know if these make any sense, but it is really how I feel inside.
I know he is an awesome husband, and I know I love him but why am I still scare to love him? What am I missing, am I missing the wanderer, carefree/independent life that I once was? The life that I live since I left my mother house, the life I been living prior to met him.
I know I love my husband. I know he have baby fever, but why don't I want a baby right now? I'm not even sure if emtoinally I am ready to TTC in 2016 like how I promise him.
I also feel awkward when my husabdn being affectionate to me. I feel that I don't deserve to be love at all, my abusive childhood did took a toll on my self-worth.
It is 'Normal' for me to have all these feelings given my childhood experienced? Why am I not 100% happy? Am I just used to the suffering so much that now I can't adapt to being happiness? Perhaps I don't want to be tied me down? Perhaps I still want to fly free like a bird in the sky like I once was?
I'm just so confused, I feel that my childhood is the roots to all the problems I'm having internally right now.
I did try talk to counseling once, but it didn't help much in get rid of this childhood of mine. Next step I can try Therapy, but therapy here in USA is very expensive. And being a person who obssesed with saving money, and a frugal person like I am. I don't think I want to spend thousand thousand dollars on Theraphy session.
Anyone here been through something familar? Anyone here experience something similar? I know there are people who have worser life than I have right now. But I am 30 year olds already, and why I still can't snap out of this childhood of mine? Am I "Normal" to feel the way I feel? Arg!!
Yes, you are "normal," in fact I think you are very courageous to have left your family to have freedom. But you are used to people disappointing you or even being cruel to you and having power over you, so maybe you have some fears about being trapped again, this time in marriage or trapped by having a child. Sometimes it takes a good part of a person's lifetime to sort out old feelings.
But just remember, the past cannot stop you from being happy now.
About buy the house, the person that keep on insist aim at 50% down-payment is me. I always have the thinking that larger down-payment will give us smaller mortgage monthly.
And we're not buying a big house so we should pay in cash as much as we can. So we don't have to worry many many years of paying monthly mortgage. Is this wrong thinking?
If you like the mountains, are frugal and want to remain debt-free, consider the Tiny House Movement. There is a huge contingent of experts in California (and Oregon) who can provide advice and expertise. Look up Jay Shafer of Four Lights.
Instead, of making payments on a house requiring a loan, you might be able to just pay for a tiny house in full or have even lower payments than you would otherwise have. If you or your husband know carpentry, you could even build one yourselves to save on labor costs.
Hello, I'm sorry for this long post, and the long post in the reply.
I feel like this childhood experienced background of mine is the roots of all the problems I'm having right now. I'm trying to find a way to fix this. I don't know if this is 'Normal' for me to still have all these internal conflicts feelings inside me. It seem like I have multiple layers of concerns and problems.
I'm apologize for the bad grammars, English is my third language.
I had a cold childhood, my father was a businessman back in our homeland China. He always on business trips working to make money to immigrant our whole family to USA, it is not cheap to immigrant to US
We able to came to USA, thank you to my father money from his hard work. Our whole family immigrant to USA when I was 12 year olds.
My mother is an abusive mother, she always take out her anger on her children (me and my older brother)
Mom emotionally/mentally and physically abusive to me. In my whole childhood, all I heard is she belittle me, scold at me, and put me down like a dog. In her eyes, I worth less than a dog on the street.
She also ‘physically’ beaten me one time, beaten me with more than one Belts. I had bruises on arms, and tears on my skin, and red slap hand marks across my face. Mom said parents in China physically beat their children all the time, so she thinks it okay for her to hit me here in USA
Well, she can't do that here. This went to Court for she “Domestic Child Abuse” me, and I was taken to “Froster Home” for few years before I got return home.
The physically abuse did stop. But she continue to belittle me, and being emotionally abusive to me through her words.
She is also a very controlling mom. When me and my older brother live with her, she check through our trash, digging through our Trash like we are her prisoners. Yes, she checking/digging through our Trash!! She goes through our drawers, our room, checking our trash every single day.
I don’t know how can anyone breath living like that, that is why I left home.
When I turn 18, I left my mother house. I left with just my clothes and little money I make from work at my High school library. When I left, I said it straight to her face: "Even if I died on the street, I will never crawl back to her for help".
I end up living in the Homeless Shelter for some time, before I can find myself a place. I became a College dropped out. In my 20s, I didn't care about dating because all I can think of is work to pay Rent, or else I'm gonna end up in the Homeless Shelter again.
I started my life over from scratch. Work different minimum wage jobs, bought a used car. Move to a cheap rent bad area neighborhood. The rent here is cheap so it does help me alot in saving up money every month.
I work at a Retail job that pay me hourly and little commission. I am far far from rich, but I do make enough to support myself. I keep my words, never once I come back to my mom for help.
Times sure fly by fast, I'm already 30 year olds. It clearly that I don't have a close relationship with my mom at all. I forgave her for how she treated me in my childhood. I thought I left my childhood behind me when I walk out of her house, but subconsciously I don't think I have let it go.
I'm poor, but I'm Financially independent. I live within my means, and I am frugal. Every month beside pay Rent/Bills. Left over money, I put my Saving accounts. I do have an obssesion with saving money. Am I too obssesed with saving money? Well, I'm on my own, so have no choice but save up money for survival when it come to emergency and rainy days.
Financially, my parents are doing very okay here in US, they have 3 Chinese restaurants business here. They sure don't need their children help.
The poor one is their daughter because I chose to leave my mother, I chose to be on my own. I chose the poor life because I want Freedom. I am NOT a fish in a bowl, I am not a bird in a cage for my mom to control and dictate around.
I love my freedom and my independent life too much. I rather live in the homeless Shelter again if I have to. I don't want to go back to that controlling life and that hell house of my mother again. Hope this make sense.
I'm the girl that hiked the mountain by myself. The girl would drive for hours to the top of the mountain. I love snow, I love skiing. I love to travel alone to different places. I love the street, I love nature. I go where ever life drift me to.
I’m just so used to be a wanderer, the independent and carefree girl. I love doing charity. I love to help out the homeless, volunteer on holiday at Homeless shelter.
I want to go to poor third world countries to do volunteer/charity works, help those hungry/orphaned childrens there. This is my life, I love my freedom. The life that I can fly freely like a bird in the sky.
What do you mean is this normal? This is beyond normal. You are a Survivor!
You are phenomenal!! Not many people can say they faced such adversities and still retain a sense of clarity for life.
Most people practically go insane just looking for it, and despite all your setbacks, you are truly a successful, accomplished individual. May the demons of the past be a reminder of where you come from, and your future be a source of limitless inspiration!! You're AMAZINNG!!
Sometimes the wounds from childhood always haunt a person when they feel they haven't resolved their pain, except to run away from it.
Sometimes, a child who is dependent on their abuser for survival doesn't know what love means until they are on their own.
And, sometimes, the abuser was abused themselves.
The cycle perpetuates until the person forgives. In a person's subconscious, fear creeps in again that they don't feel so safe as they once desired to and hoped to seek refuge from what they call "home" that was unstable. Sometimes when people take two steps, they relapse in order to move forward, and despite of all chaos, they somehow find serenity.. the paradox of survival and living on constant edge.
Last edited by Marka; 06-12-2015 at 06:05 AM..
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