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Or at least that's how I see it in my head. I am a really nice person but I have a hard time being assertive and standing up for myself. I often apologize to avoid conflict even if it's not really my fault. I let guilt overtake me. I think I'm afraid of people who are confident and assertive. I stammer and stutter when I speak because I don't trust my own thoughts.
When I had to ask my classmates what were their favorite things about working with me, most people said I'm really nice. I don't know but that sounds more like an insult... I want to win people with my skills and talent... not by how nice I am. I mean, I have always seen being nice to be important (and the funny thing is, I don't see other people who are really nice to be spineless. They feel comforting to me because I don't come across many people who are really nice.)
When I was in middle school I was really shy and people would only talk to me to borrow a pen or get a piece of paper. They would tell me how nice I was and I thought that was the only way people would speak to me and at least I was getting some attention. I also had a friend who I let bully me for 15 years. She always had to be the "queen" and I was like her Robin.
But when I was at home, my family called me mean. They said when I was 4 I was really mean to my older brother. My family didn't seem to like me very much when I was growing up. My brother would call me a b****. I think this combined with how I was treated at school made me feel I had to be really nice to survive.
But, well, I'm an adult now, and while I think being really nice is a good thing, I'm tired of being taken advantage of and not even trusting myself or feeling confident about what I think. I can't seem to speak the truth. Most times I'm not even sure what the truth is anymore. I have let people abuse me emotionally too many times without even letting it cross my mind that I was being bullied. I think I have put up with too much.
It's just a lot to work on and I don't even know where to start. It's pretty much been my entire life. I know I have a sassy side and it comes out when I'm feeling confident but I haven't felt too confident for a long time. I wish I could be the same person when I'm alone in my room and when I'm around confident people and shy people. I have more compassion for shy people.
My only saving grace are my looks. I put in time and effort to be attractive and look social but I'm not. I have good posture and try to act confident but I'm not. I can attract new people and make friends but I often have a hard time keeping them, especially once they find out how spineless I am. This is probably a turn off to guys too.
A lot of it is my culture. My family and I try to avoid conflict, try to get along with everybody, and do what's right. I learned to not be so selfish and think of others. I don't mind these good qualities but not if it's causing me grief. I was surprised when I realized how most people don't apologize and don't like to think they're wrong. I don't have a problem with admitting I'm wrong. I just want things to be peaceful. But if there was ever anything that needed to be compromised, I would usually be in the losing position.
I would like to work on this in group but I don't even know where to begin... or how to get used to being assertive... People tell me I'm too laid back. I need to fight but I hate fighting... Any way I can see this as something that my brain can process? My brain rejects fighting and conflict. As soon as I know I have to confront someone I want to flee... so it always comes out with me sounding like a wimp... I just want this to change... I think life would be very hard for me if I had to keep living like this...
C'mon, GKelly, put your heart into being assertive. Be tough!
Once upon a time, I was in your position. Life's experiences taught me well - maybe a little too well. I went from passive to aggressive in a matter of a few years...maybe a little too aggressive of late, as I yelled at my boss...
OK, thanks for pointing out the obvious. Now I'm going to go bang my head against the wall.
How many times and ways do you need to ask the forum about your problem, GKelly???
You aren't happy, you don't think people understand "the real" you, and you're often irritable to your family members (which is actually your unhappiness manifesting itself, since you know cognitively that you can't let it show in public).
So ... do you understand the difference between the question you asked and the actual question posed in your thread?
How many times and ways do you need to ask the forum about your problem, GKelly???
You aren't happy, you don't think people understand "the real" you, and you're often irritable to your family members (which is actually your unhappiness manifesting itself, since you know cognitively that you can't let it show in public).
So ... do you understand the difference between the question you asked and the actual question posed in your thread?
If you don't like it, then don't open my ****ing threads. You're of no help anyway and I'm tired of people like you trying to keep the only place where I'm free to anonymously express myself quiet.
If you don't like it, then don't open my ****ing threads. You're of no help anyway and I'm tired of people like you trying to keep the only place where I'm free to anonymously express myself quiet.
See, you CAN assert yourself when you want to.
I'm not trying to keep you quiet. Just trying to help you see the actual point more quickly.
None of the really nice people I know are spineless, although quite a few of the nasty ones are. Spineless people aren't nice. They don't have enough boundaries, they won't take risks; they're too anxious about getting hurt. One guy in particular I'm thinking of seems to have what I can only call "hypochondria of the soul." He's so inoffensive that he seems both ineffective and invisible. I don't know what the problem is that's so bad that this the solution.
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