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I am starting to come to terms with the fact that if I am ever to move forward in my life, I am going to have to disown my family. There are various issues and obstacles I have between me and happiness, but the biggest one that everything else hinges on is my family. The issue is I am gay and closeted, but my family is at a 10 out of 10 on the homophobic scale. These aren't people who simply don't agree with the lifestyle or don't like gay marriage. These are people who want to see homosexuality become a capital crime. These are people who flare up with hate and rage any time homosexuality comes into the conversation throwing anti-gay slurs, etc. I am not exaggerating when I say they are every bit as zealous as the Westboro Baptist Church.
I have been out of the closet before and it wasn't pretty. I'll sum it up by saying my family fell completely apart and could not handle it. Ultimately, I went back in the closet and attempted gay/straight conversion therapy because I also could not take the way I was being treated by them. I was always very close to them growing up and when I came out the first time, that changed overnight. Last time I saw them after coming out before moving to the east coast, my dad chased me away from the house as I was in tears screaming anti-gay slurs at me and shouting that God hates me.
With all this in mind, I have two issues. The first is they are still my family. They love me in their own way. I've heard it said they don't love me because they won't accept me for who I actually am, but to them, my same-sex attraction is a choice I made that can be fixed by prayer and therapy. In their minds, what they did was love because since homosexuality is the worst sin a person can commit, it deserves the harshest response. That isn't true, but to them it is. No matter how angry I get with them, I still love them, and sometimes I can't bare not being the person they want me to be and the fact that our relationship will never be what it was before I came out the first time. It's tragic, but that is the way it is.
Secondly, I live in an area where the mindset of the majority is in line with my family (though most people even here aren't near that extreme though most will say they "don't agree with the lifestyle"). I really don't have a "chosen" family so to speak as I am completely closeted. Moving is not an option for another 3-4 years no matter what. I've looked at everything and it just can't be done financially (I've discussed this and the reasons why ad nauseam on this board).
Third, I worry that I will throw away my family and not find the acceptance I seek on the other side of the fence and won't be able to find a partner. I am not the the most likable or extroverted person. Also, the LGBT community can be a brutal, dog-eat-dog world. I know this from my time out of the closet before. If things fall apart in my life or a fall on bad luck, I could end up completely and totally alone. At least now I have my family as long as I conform to their expectations.
I have a mountain to move, but I won't be able to move everything all at once. I have to tackle this one thing at a time, an the pivotal piece is my relationship with my family. It's very sad and painful that it has to come to this, but it's impossible for me to reason with them and the only way I will be able to move forward in life is without them in it. I really hate that and honestly don't know if I can bear to do what has to be done.
How would you proceed in this situation?
Last edited by bawac34618; 09-20-2016 at 09:53 PM..
You absolutely cannot successfully divest yourself of your family (even a toxic family) if you have not set up a good support network of people who truly care about you.
You will not be successful if you attempt to cut your family out, but don't have a new "family" of sorts of your own making. In any case, you really need to cultivate a supportive group of allies, for your own mental health.
The book 'Toxic Family' is hugely helpful. Just skip to the chapter on coping. First like 8 chapters are just making excuses for generational differences and things were just different back there or people managed an abuse issue because it was 'just how it is'.....Is LIFE CHANGINGLY helpful book, is so useful.
I'm so sorry for your suffering. Is pretty common for most who came out, at least for a while.
The book 'Toxic Family' is hugely helpful. Just skip to the chapter on coping. First like 8 chapters are just making excuses for generational differences and things were just different back there or people managed an abuse issue because it was 'just how it is'.....Is LIFE CHANGINGLY helpful book, is so useful.
I'm so sorry for your suffering. Is pretty common for most who came out, at least for a while.
I'll have to take a look at it.
One thing is I am certain my parents can never "come around" so to speak. They are in the top 0.001% of homophobes, which is why disowning them will be my only option. I would say Fred Phelps, from what I know about him in his latter days, had more humanity than my dad does. I just have to get to that place where I am ready to pull the trigger.
You absolutely cannot successfully divest yourself of your family (even a toxic family) if you have not set up a good support network of people who truly care about you.
You will not be successful if you attempt to cut your family out, but don't have a new "family" of sorts of your own making. In any case, you really need to cultivate a supportive group of allies, for your own mental health.
I don't know if I agree with your opinion here, I think you need to find your strength from within, and align your spirit going forward because people can turn their back on you at any time. It is better to rely on yourself.
My toxic family disowned me about 21 years ago because I wouldn't do one more crazy thing. It was devastating, but in the long run it was a wonderful thing to have had happen. My life was much easier.
Refuse to play your role and they will take it out of your hands.
There's a lot of truth in the lyrics to this song.
Quote:
"I will sing this vict'ry song, woo, hoo,hoo,woo, hoo,hoo
Well I know it wasn't you who held me down
Heaven knows it wasn't you who set me free
So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key " EAGLES LYRICS - Already Gone
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance, take it & if it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it." Embrace your life, don't fight it !
Last time I saw them after coming out before moving to the east coast, my dad chased me away from the house as I was in tears screaming anti-gay slurs at me and shouting that God hates me.
With all this in mind, I have two issues. The first is they are still my family. They love me in their own way.
No, they don't. Quit making excuses for their behavior. They abused you, pure and simple. That's not love.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bawac34618
Third, I worry that I will throw away my family and not find the acceptance I seek on the other side of the fence and won't be able to find a partner. I am not the the most likable or extroverted person.
You don't have to become extroverted, but you do have to become likable if you want to find friends and love. Hate to sound simplistic, but you really need some therapy.
Find a supportive gay community. With their encouragement and support, you can tell your parents that you are gay. I think, honestly, they will probably separate from you.
It will be hard, hard, hard.
Take it stepwise. Don't tell your family without some support. If you are the person I think you are--living in OKC and miserable--then please do find the gay community there. It might be small, but I am confident there is one.
You technically cannot disown your family because you don't own them in the first place. What you feel you need is separation, because of their attitude about your sexual orientation. At least, I think that is what you need. What I feel from your posts, is that you love your family, but your need to be who you truly are is tearing you apart.
Is there a therapist in town that deals with this sort of thing? I'd find one, and work through this, I think. And, find the local gay community. There has to be one in your area.
What I am missing in your post is a big one - your age. Because if you are still a minor then my advice would be to hang on until you reach legal age, and make a responsible plan to move on. Because I see no way out of that circle of Hell besides LEAVING it behind you. It doesn't matter that they love you "in their own way" - they are doing damage and you cannot change them.
If you are an adult, then I can't help asking - WHY are you still there??? Again, you cannot change them, and the first thing you need to do is combat any fears or insecurities you have about moving away to start elsewhere. Your post is one side of the story, I realize, but if your family is half as bad as it sounds then I'd be for saving up money to fly like a bat out of Hell to save yourself.
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