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Okay, so this is primarily a rant, because I've already made my decision. I'd mostly just like to know if any of you have been in a similar situation, made the choice I did and found that it worked.
My husband totally relies on me to remind him of every dentist and doctor's appointment he has. He also forgets social engagements about 90% of the time. If he remembers to add a reminder on his phone, he doesn't add an alert or check the calendar daily. He does, however, manage to remember his golf dates with buddies, etc. so I'm inclined to think it's not dementia. My sister and my grown daughter (who no longer lives with me) manage their own appointments just fine, but when it comes to things like remembering when things like season tickets to the theater, etc. are, they rely on me to call and remind them. About half the time, I end up having to leave a message and then they don't even bother checking their messages.
I reminded my sister two weeks ago that the book club we both belong to was going to be meeting tonight. This morning I e-mailed her and asked if she was still planning on it. She said, "Oops! I'm so sorry. I thought we had at least another full week. I haven't even bought the book yet." We're both retired. It kind of annoyed me to have to be her secretary when I was retired and she was still working, but I did it. Now that we're both retired, I figured it's up to her to keep track of her own schedule and not rely on me.
A couple of months ago, I gave my daughter and her significant other season tickets to some plays. The plays are generally excellent and the tickets cost between $30 and $50 apiece. (That's $60 - $100 for the two of them.) She seemed happy for the gift, but when I've mentioned that there's a play the day after tomorrow or next Monday or whatever, she's always surprised, and says, "Oh, thanks! I'd forgotten." She apparently just figures I'm going to call to remind her all season long.
I've decided that they're all adults and it's time they just took the consequences for their negligence. I'm done reminding them of upcoming things on their calendars. Have any of you dealt with a situation like this before? Did you do what I intend to do or something different? And did it work or not?
Katz, you sound very much like me. As far as getting anything done around here, I am the "motivator", the reminder, the family clock and calendar.
I have gone on strike so to speak, but then nothing gets done.
I'm looking within myself currently, to see if any part of it lies with my own expectations of perfect holidays, an organized home, and my general desire for perfection, when it comes to my family.
With other things, it is clearly NOT me. I like to be punctual. The rest of my family has a rather casual relationship with time. I am trying to say this nicely.
In terms of your daughter, and your generous gift of season tickets to a play serious, I would be hurt. And, I would tell her so. Verbally, in a note or e-mail. I think the gift was thoughtful of you, and I agree, it isn't up to you to remind her of when these plays are. I would be hurt, also.
I also, wouldn't keep it inside.
Your decision to allow them to take consequences for their actions is admirable.
I've decided that they're all adults and it's time they just took the consequences for their negligence. I'm done reminding them of upcoming things on their calendars. Have any of you dealt with a situation like this before?
This. Just stop doing this. Get on with your life.
My kids are still young so no comment there, but my husband is the EXACT same as yours and I think many husbands rely in their wives for reminders. I believe they think its our job and in some sense it kind of is as I run the household. I keep the calendar, etc. Of course he could put it in his phone, but I think he would still forget going to the dentist, etc! I really don't mind making his appointments but I totally understand where you're coming from!
I get how it seems and sometimes is validated thru their behavior. Its called "assistance" when we gently remind. Enabling is a different beast entirely.
Heck I forget where I put my glasses and try to make notes for reminders. Some of us naturally appreciate someone having our back.
Technically I am sure they have some strengths that assist you out in life. Mutual regard runs both ways.
If I got ired at others not carrying my attributes I am in for a world of hurt. Instead I accept we can each use some tolerance and guidance. The Build people up is an option
My son and his wife are teachers, they carry the "I'll say it once, Learn the first time!". Its rather a bit counter productive as teaching is repeating the same thing in different ways til the person can grasp the study or apply it.
I do understand your side OP, and also understand that its an opportunity to learn patients and realign the expectations vs standards. Now you'll pardon me as I go hunt for my glasses for the umpteenth time today
I don't know how old you and your husband are but his gradual loss of abilities to do simple tasks indicates that he is suffering from some kind of dementia. Have you taken him to a doctor an evaluation?
Not sure about all other cases though. It could be that in reality you were just more interested in all those events. And regarding tickets - you gave them, they thanked you, it ends there IMHO. It's up to them how and whether to use the gift. When I give a gift, I want the person to enjoy it, not seek eternal gratitude for myself. I give gift receipts and have no problem if someone choses to return it. To be honest, I'd find it super annoying if someone gave me a season pass but then called me every time reminding to use it.
My grandma used to say that those who want look for an opportunity and those who don't look for an excuse. If all those events were truly important to those people they would have found an opportunity. It's nice of you to think of others but it's not worth stressing about.
I don't know how old you and your husband are but his gradual loss of abilities to do simple tasks indicates that he is suffering from some kind of dementia. Have you taken him to a doctor an evaluation?
She noted he never forgets the things that relate to his enjoyment or his friends. He's merely reneging on responsibilities. He gets to his golf dates without help.
What about noted dates within the family? As far as I'm concerned, the wife is responsible for her family and the husband for his. My parents both worked, yet my father expected my mother to send out the Christmas cards, birthday cards, buy any necessary gifts, etc., even for people she barely knew. I can remember Dad getting ready for a wedding and saying to Mom, "What did we get them?"
She put up with it and my brothers grew up expecting the same service. Their wives had other ideas. They were schooled and now my mother gets birthday/Christmas cards and gifts my brothers bought and they call her. So people CAN change.
My kids are still young so no comment there, but my husband is the EXACT same as yours and I think many husbands rely in their wives for reminders. I believe they think its our job and in some sense it kind of is as I run the household. I keep the calendar, etc. Of course he could put it in his phone, but I think he would still forget going to the dentist, etc! I really don't mind making his appointments but I totally understand where you're coming from!
This came up just last night. I had reminded my husband in September that he was due for a physical. I reminded him once and then let it go. He said he'd take care of it. Fast forward to yesterday and the pharmacy refused to fill his prescription because it'd been a year since he'd had it renewed. He came home last night grumbling about the pharmacy, but also announced that he had an appointment for a physical in the next couple weeks. They'll remind him he needs a flu shot when he's there so that'll get taken care of as well.
Bottom line: He ignored what need to happen. He felt the consequences and he solved the problem. Maybe it didn't happen on the schedule I would prefer, but it will happen. That's good enough. And I didn't even say "I told you so".
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