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I'm not saying she has to make money like Zuckerberg, but she has consistently complained about her finances and how she can't earn any money here, but refuses to retrain or move. I moved off to a major metro and got some skills which helped me land a good job in a small town. At some point, you get tired of hearing these complaints after you've given tons of advice.
She's stuck in this inertia - refuses to do anything to try and fix the situation, but wants to complain.
Yes, it was her dream. She did well on the LSAT, started applying to schools, started losing weight, etc. I think her mother died in March and she graduated in May - either 2013 or 2014.
She is simply too pessimistic now. She'll text me or leave a voicemail with some complaint, but I am tired of hearing it by now.
It might seem like she just became lazy and pessimistic but that sounds like clinical depression. She clearly has a lot of potential, but experiencing such a painful loss can lead to depression, it's unlikely she will be able to fix this herself. I can understand how it would be annoying and you aren't responsible for her but since she is reaching out to you, I would really try to encourage her to seek out professional help.
Over the weekend, one my ex's called up and whining and complaining about the limited economic opportunities here. She graduated college a couple years back and was intending to go to law school, but her mother passed away in 2013 and she want into some sort of a funk, and IMO, hasn't gotten over it. She never went to law school, and worked at a clothing store for a few years after college. She's made her way into a bank teller role, but hems and haws about leaving Tennessee, but has never done anything about it. She is overweight and talks about getting more active and eating better, but again, nothing. There is just no agency there. She doesn't clean her car or home well, etc. - just seems to have no drive.
A guy I used to work with in the same town is one of the most driven people I know. He is a serious exercise enthusiast, and would make meals on Sunday to last through Wednesday, and would eat many of the same dishes routinely at his desk, at the same time. Hardly ever misses a work out. He dated a girl from China for several years, and was determined to learn her language. They ended up breaking up, but he's kept going with the language studies, having taught English for a year, and has now find a new Chinese girlfriend, and is living and working in China in a "native's lifestyle." He puts tremendous effort into everything he does.
What do you think causes such disparities in agency and drive?
#1 genetics.
They have done multiple studies on mono-zygotic twins that where separated at birth and have found that the data shows incredible similarities in careers, education, and interests between said twins despite growing up in different environments. Drive is obviously a highly genetic trait.
#2 environment
environment. Outside factors also play a role in shaping one's drive as well. This is why their are entire cultures or demographics that are labeled as being lazy (African Americans) and others that are labeled as being driven (Japanese).
#3 health
An otherwise driven person can become very complacent once their health has been compromised. I know multiple people that have had this happen. One of my best friends suffered a major injury while playing flag football in his 20's. He wen't from being an outgoing happy guy with a strong work ethic to a fat guy that sits around and plays video games all day with no social life.
#4 Drugs and alcohol
Nothing will sap ones drive more than a substance abuse problem.
#5 Luck/chance
Having random good or bad things happen in your life can dramatically change one's drive.
#1 genetics.
They have done multiple studies on mono-zygotic twins that where separated at birth and have found that the data shows incredible similarities in careers, education, and interests between said twins despite growing up in different environments. Drive is obviously a highly genetic trait.
#2 environment
environment. Outside factors also play a role in shaping one's drive as well. This is why their are entire cultures or demographics that are labeled as being lazy (African Americans) and others that are labeled as being driven (Japanese).
#3 health
An otherwise driven person can become very complacent once their health has been compromised. I know multiple people that have had this happen. One of my best friends suffered a major injury while playing flag football in his 20's. He wen't from being an outgoing happy guy with a strong work ethic to a fat guy that sits around and plays video games all day with no social life.
#4 Drugs and alcohol
Nothing will sap ones drive more than a substance abuse problem.
#5 Luck/chance
Having random good or bad things happen in your life can dramatically change one's drive.
^^^Nailed it.
I have 3 kids all raised in the same environment. Two are extremely driven; one is a CEO, the other is an executive in a large corporation. When they were growing up they were entirely self driven. I used to have to beg my son to go to bed at 1 AM instead of studying for another hour.
The third kid? Entirely different. She barely made it through high school. She spent 10 years taking college classes and flunking out many times before finally getting an LPN at a community college. For her, life is blaming everyone else for her difficulties.
So why the difference? I think it's genetics. As an EE, I call it a bad ROM (i.e. read only memory). We inherit behaviors from all generations of ancestors who preceded us.
This is why adoption is such a crap shoot. Ever met somebody who adopted a cute infant that turned into a terror during teen age years? Ever wonder why? Genetics.
I have 3 kids all raised in the same environment. Two are extremely driven; one is a CEO, the other is an executive in a large corporation. When they were growing up they were entirely self driven. I used to have to beg my son to go to bed at 1 AM instead of studying for another hour.
The third kid? Entirely different. She barely made it through high school. She spent 10 years taking college classes and flunking out many times before finally getting an LPN at a community college. For her, life is blaming everyone else for her difficulties.
So why the difference? I think it's genetics. As an EE, I call it a bad ROM (i.e. read only memory). We inherit behaviors from all generations of ancestors who preceded us.
This is why adoption is such a crap shoot. Ever met somebody who adopted a cute infant that turned into a terror during teen age years? Ever wonder why? Genetics.
So who is the lazy parent responsible for the third kid?
This means that there is no hope for people who were stuck with crappy parents.
I don't have any answers to this, and I have thought about this question a LOT because although I am intelligent, a people-pleaser, and a very hard worker with a very strong work ethic, I have never had any ambition or drive to succeed as most American define success -- and all of the foregoing also applies to my mother and all three of my sisters. We all ended up in so-so careers with promotions and raises given to us without us actually "going" for them; we have obtained them only because of our work ethic and competence. It is like we all feel that as long as we are doing a good job, earning enough money, and are happy in what we do, that's good enough. (Also, none of us are materialistic in the sense of wanting expensive things. We all drive cars until the cost of repairs become exorbitant, we live in houses that cost less than we could afford, and we buy our basic clothing from places like Target.)
I don't think any of the above is a bad way to be, and I don't have any answers or theories, but I just find the OP's question a very interesting one.
I am just like this too. Add to that, a series of unfortunate events over my past life that proved that hard work and a tremendous work ethic means nothing in the end. And, there is no justice. After many years of that, "drive" kinds of down-shifts to "park".
I'm not saying she has to make money like Zuckerberg, but she has consistently complained about her finances and how she can't earn any money here, but refuses to retrain or move. I moved off to a major metro and got some skills which helped me land a good job in a small town. At some point, you get tired of hearing these complaints after you've given tons of advice.
She's stuck in this inertia - refuses to do anything to try and fix the situation, but wants to complain.
Yes, it was her dream. She did well on the LSAT, started applying to schools, started losing weight, etc. I think her mother died in March and she graduated in May - either 2013 or 2014.
She is simply too pessimistic now. She'll text me or leave a voicemail with some complaint, but I am tired of hearing it by now.
I am going to go out on a limb, not knowing this person, and say she might be afraid to start up her life again after her mom passed. The complaining is a way to make excuses so she doesn't need to confront whatever fear she is dealing with. She is not looking for advice, only affirmation and support.
One of my best friends was very driven, but so many difficult things happened to her: multiple family and friends' deaths, estranged parents, health problems, poverty. She also complains all the time, and an outsider would wonder why she doesn't do anything to improve her situation. I am sure she is depressed. It is hard. Some people have it hard. I don't think I would be doing much better if those things happened to me.
I think the story of your ex is not about having inherent drive or not, but about losing it.
Depression will definitely kill drive. Major depression will cripple your life. Either should seek evaluation by a healthcare professional, I suggest seeing a psychologist. Note that many employers (at least large ones) offer free counseling to employees.
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