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I think that the result of going through this situation are very complex and as with everything are unique to specific circumstances .
Per the original post having responsibility forced upon you and being burdened with this can lead to maybe resentment for responsibility .
This could and again per post lead to holding back on things that are part of the development of a balaced , responsible ,stable development into adulthood .
On the other hand could stand you in good steed for dealing with these things in various guises as you were conditioned a a early age .
Who knows I have tried and still am trying to resolve many issues that as an adult I feel are a result of being forced to grow up too fast .
My situation was the opposite I had a overnight change in having pretty much no parenting and fending for myself , no responsibility other than keeping myself out of social services attention.
I have had many people say that they are amazed I never completely derailed although I think I've come close many times and still am just hanging on .
I have asked doctors seen shrinks talked too friends , strangers and anyone who would listen , I have picked up things that I have related too and taken comfort in and on the other end felt frustrated and isolated and despaired in my search for answers .
The way I see it is there is no magic bullet there is no 'therapy' for life I take my hand I've been dealt enjoy the highs and move on from the lows .
Talking being open and keeping busy can sometimes be enough to keep you going I know there are people out there that have been through hell backwards , they always seem so positive uncomplaining and grateful so I try to remind myself it can always be worse .
Sometimes for me I have to stop looking for the answers before wether sooner or later I realize I already knew and had to accept the reality .
Between my autocorrect and laziness my grammar Is awful
Last edited by Truthhunter; 04-08-2017 at 11:27 PM..
Reason: Grammar
For me, the final answers cannot be found in psychology or therapy but must be found in philosophy or metaphysics so I finally turned back to a path that was shown to me at about 19 starting with the ancient question: Who/what am I? as posed in Hindu and many Oriental religious/mystical systems but has been brought into modern times and refined by teachers and guides such as: Tony Parsons, Robert Wolfe, John Wheeler, Natalie Gray, Jim Newman, Andreas Muller, Rupert Spira, Lisa Cairns, Charlie Hayes, Sailor Bob, Nisargadatta, Ramana Maharshi, Nathan Gil, Richard Sylvester, Master Nome, AHAM, Ram Das, Tom Das, Jeff Foster, Ramesh Balsekar, Wayne Liquorman, Gangaji, Papaji, Mooji and a few dozen others, so google any of those names and/or the links connected to them such as BATGAP or Conscious TV and dive into the magical/marvelous world of Advaita Vedanta or Non-duality and Oneness, Wholeness or No-thing. IMO, this path is the only one worth taking for anyone whether neurotic or simply curious about life and the Absolute.
For me, the final answers cannot be found in psychology or therapy but must be found in philosophy or metaphysics so I finally turned back to a path that was shown to me at about 19 starting with the ancient question: Who/what am I? as posed in Hindu and many Oriental religious/mystical systems but has been brought into modern times and refined by teachers and guides such as: Tony Parsons, Robert Wolfe, John Wheeler, Natalie Gray, Jim Newman, Andreas Muller, Rupert Spira, Lisa Cairns, Charlie Hayes, Sailor Bob, Nisargadatta, Ramana Maharshi, Nathan Gil, Richard Sylvester, Master Nome, AHAM, Ram Das, Tom Das, Jeff Foster, Ramesh Balsekar, Wayne Liquorman, Gangaji, Papaji, Mooji and a few dozen others, so google any of those names and/or the links connected to them such as BATGAP or Conscious TV and dive into the magical/marvelous world of Advaita Vedanta or Non-duality and Oneness, Wholeness or No-thing. IMO, this path is the only one worth taking for anyone whether neurotic or simply curious about life and the Absolute.
One of the many, MANY things that my shrinks completed ignored no matter how many times I asked was what could be the long term effects of being a kid who was forced to grow up too fast. I went through three shrinks before I gave up and decided therapy is a scam. None of them would address this but instead wanted to talk about "womb memories" and other woowoo crap.
Anyway, my story, as brief as I can make it: everything was fine with me and my parents until I was seven and they split. My mother started drinking and doing drugs, and her bi-polar disorder and paranoid schizophrenia got really bad by the time I was eleven. So she gave up and sent me to live with my father. My father was at least sane...even though he chased women with no shame, bounced from job to job, drank, smoked weed, cheated on his girlfriend (and made me lie for him to keep it secret) and was an all around manchild.
And I was forced to live in the ghetto he loved and felt was the greatest place on Earth (no doubt because living there gave him access to drugs, hoochies, and like minded buffoons) I got a job at age sixteen...and he started charging me rent. And not only that but he felt I was his personal payday lender, but without the option of being able to call in a collection agency.
Also, I was forced from age fourteen on to babysit my older sister's kids (she had three by three different men) while she attended college. And what did she major in? SOCIOLOGY Living on welfare and taking a useless major. That makes sense. I was guilt-tripped into watching her brats four days a week for years while she got the most useless degree on Earth. She said she needed to do it to "support herself"...years later and she's now the world's only welfare queen with a master's degree.
So anyway, yep, my entire "wonder years" were spent working, watching my sister's kids, and studying.
And worst yet, I had no one to give me real guidance. I talked about wanting to study and get a job and get out of the ghetto...my father and older brother would constantly berate me for not walking with enough swagger, not hanging out on the corner, and having the audacity to think that living the ghetto was possible. Yep, they were like the opposite of everything mature adults should be. They seemed disappointed that I didn't want to be a ghetto manchild like they were.
Well, I left the ghetto extremely easily once I stopped giving my family money and just got a place outside of the old neighborhood. I went on with my life and now have a decent job in a city on the other side of the country from them...and years later I still feel the effects.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a permanent state of involuntary arrogance. Why? Unlike most of you who can look back at how they were when they were kids and say "I thought I knew everything. Thank God for my parents," I look back and say "I thought I knew better than my parents...and I did know better than my parents!"
I spent my "wonder years" thinking I was a better person than my elders. Now I KNOW I was a better person than my elders. As a child I would wonder why we were so poor yet my father always had the money for booze and weed...and now I'm an adult and I have the answer: he was a manchild.
Anybody else have a similar experience? And did it make you feel...kinda like you can't "let anyone in" and never want to trust anyone and always feel better than those around you, even if you're consciously trying not to?
That, and I can't have fun. I mean that almost in a literal sense of the word. I can't just let my hair down and have a good time because I'm always counting my money, wondering if something may happen if I let my guard down, and afraid the worst will happen.
I've rebelled against my family who were irresponsible as can by being TOO responsible.
And to anyone else with a screwed up family, I ask this: ever notice that most people with happy families just refuse to even try to get where you're coming from? Isn't that annoying?
You are to be commended for getting yourself through that mess and succeeding in spite of it. I wish more people were able to do that instead of repeating the pattern.
Some in my family have gone in the opposite direction -- had a reasonable upbringing and then inflicted the type of garbage you describe onto their own kids.
Not sure about the therapy route. I think most therapists are crazy but maybe you can find one who is reasonable. There has to be one out there.
No, OP. There are "real" therapists out there. IMO they're in the minority, but they're there. You just need to know what to look for, so that you're not bouncing endlessly from one flake to the next, or one who's been trained in a method that isn't suitable for your issues, to another. And sometimes, even when you find one that has helpful training, they haven't resolved their own issues, so that can get in the way of therapy. So it can be a bit of a challenging search sometimes, but when you find a good fit, it's well worth the trouble.
You're absolutely right. There are two kinds of therapist out there: those who use evidence-based empirical approaches, and those who prefer the New Age chakra/crystal/energy nonsense. Based on the therapists I've known as colleagues and have met at conferences, I think there are a lot of the woo types out there but they're not a majority in the field.
The OP and other should look for psychologists/counselors who provide cognitive behavioral therapy, or short-term solution focused therapy, or positive psychology, or one of their variants, and steer clear of anyone whose web site/CV hints at woo. You have to be a careful consumer if you're going to seek any kind of medical help -- and if you go looking for "faith-based" or "spiritual" counseling, you need to be doubly careful since you're more likely to run into more woo there than in a secular context. The only places I've heard the term "womb memories" used in a therapeutic context are on various "spiritual healing" sites offering "Bible based" counseling.
Yes, yours was a very rough childhood. You should be very proud of yourself for coming out of this situation through your own determination and will. Not everyone can.
You've tried psychologists, but maybe it is time to try self-help or counseling....talk therapy. I feel that you perhaps are still seeking reasons, but sometimes there are no definitive reasons. You learned by watching the mistakes made repeatedly by your parents, and rather than simply survive, it gave you likely more determination....while it sounds like your siblings went the way of following the examples...although your sister did make an attempt to do something better. Give her that.
I searched for a few links, which may not be news to you....but if they offer you any insights to what answers you are in search of, it will be a benefit.
Sometimes we have to simply pat ourselves on the back because we made it. And, you did the best that you could and have succeeded against all odds.
Give yourself credit, give yourself permission to feel your success, and the benefits living a good life holds. It was not your fault that your parents made the choices that they did. It is ok to still care if they are healthy, if they are making it. But, you do not own any guilt because you are making it. And, it is normal to still care about people that are our parents, with all their faults. You are safe now, distance and maturity has made you safe.
Research your area for some in person support groups, so that you can hear and share your story with others. It will benefit you emotionally, and may well help someone younger who is facing the same choices that you faced in your youth.
No, real therapy involves sitting down with a licensed therapist.
I think you have to try a variety of "therapists". There is a continuum from really unlicensed and untrained (think "life coaches") to counselors (usually master's level certified) to PsyD trained and MD psychiatrists. On top of that there are many styles of therapy from the softest feeling-based to others that are more down to earth behavioral (CBT, for example).
I know exactly where you're coming from victorianpunk. I grew up with two dysfunctional abusive alcoholics. They not only hated each other but the abuse was heaped on me as the oldest. My brother was the treasured one. I often felt like the adult. I remember just paying off my car and having to refinance it because they were behind on house payments. I started working when I was 10 just to make money for things that I wanted. My parents supplied the bare necessities which included hand me down clothes and barely enough to eat. It wasn't unusual for my father to disappear all weekend with little food in the house. My mother didn't drive and there were no credit cards back then. Add to the mix that my mother resented me because my father wanted me to do what she wouldn't. I had to ask her for help because that simply wasn't going to happen, and him coming in my room at night was terrifying. Since crap rolled down hill she decided to use me as her punching bag the way my father used her as his. That is until I got old enough to hit back.
I never had therapy, honestly it is ultimately up the the individual to process it and find a constructive way to move on. Part of my therapy happened after I inherited the wreck of a house I grew up in. I bought my brother out and my husband and I rehabbed it and used it as a rental property. That was back in the early 90's and it's been a cash cow since 1992. I can go back there now without being haunted by those demons that resided there when I was a child. We've turned it into a positive, happy place. Why feel miserable about the past? It simply doesn't exist anymore.
I understand you need to hoard money for that rainy day. I was the biggest workaholic for decades. The plus side is that we should be set well into old age and it gave me an early retirement. I'm not sure how old you are dear one? I know my 20's were turbulent years. My 30's were better but I was still working through trust issues with everyone in my life. My 40's were about being a workaholic, as were my 50's. I've just started my 60's and I can honestly say that I feel secure and content.
Life is a series of challenges along with extreme joy. What I see your having a problem with is accepting the joy (?) Yes it is difficult to let the past be the past and learn to live with what's right in front of you. Difficult, but not impossible. I can't tell you why I survived the abuse and managed to come out on top. I think it had more to do with wanting to be happy and going after it. I wanted that life and my parents as far behind me as I could get both physically and emotionally. I also have a strong sense of what's right and what's wrong. Punishing myself over and over because it was familiar just felt wrong to me. People do it in many ways and being an alcoholic is one of them. Yes I guess you could consider being a workaholic as part of it as well. One day you just wake up and know that it's over. I hope you come to that realization as well v.p. I don't even know who that traumatized scared little girl is anymore. It's almost like it was just a movie. Maybe you could start with baby steps. Find something extravagant that you really want. Take a small portion of your money and put it in an envelope towards that purchase and when you have enough, go buy it. Start treating yourself to nice dinners and fun times with friends. Break that cycle of misery.
Do I feel like I can't let anyone in? No. I'm just the opposite. Surviving the two people that are supposed to love and protect but give you just the opposite made me tough emotionally. I love having friends and close relationships, but I can also easily cut you off if you do something that hurts me. I've already survived the worst kind of betrayal. The rest is child's play.
For me, the final answers cannot be found in psychology or therapy but must be found in philosophy or metaphysics so I finally turned back to a path that was shown to me at about 19 starting with the ancient question: Who/what am I? as posed in Hindu and many Oriental religious/mystical systems but has been brought into modern times and refined by teachers and guides such as: Tony Parsons, Robert Wolfe, John Wheeler, Natalie Gray, Jim Newman, Andreas Muller, Rupert Spira, Lisa Cairns, Charlie Hayes, Sailor Bob, Nisargadatta, Ramana Maharshi, Nathan Gil, Richard Sylvester, Master Nome, AHAM, Ram Das, Tom Das, Jeff Foster, Ramesh Balsekar, Wayne Liquorman, Gangaji, Papaji, Mooji and a few dozen others, so google any of those names and/or the links connected to them such as BATGAP or Conscious TV and dive into the magical/marvelous world of Advaita Vedanta or Non-duality and Oneness, Wholeness or No-thing. IMO, this path is the only one worth taking for anyone whether neurotic or simply curious about life and the Absolute.
I think you are correct, medical help is human powered so its limited.
Spiritual illness will not respond to human powered help.
So a solution has to have a spiritual aspect.
I had a good psychiatrist but the most he could do was show me how sick I was, he had no real answer.
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Living on welfare and taking a useless major. That makes sense. I was guilt-tripped into watching her brats four days a week for years while she got the most useless degree on Earth. She said she needed to do it to "support herself"...years later and she's now the world's only welfare queen with a master's degree. 
