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I agree that he's a controlling person. If it's been going on for a long time, as I suspect it has, I would wonder why you let that happen, except that I'll bet it happened so slowly and insidiously that you didn't realize how far things had gone until you stopped and thought about it one day. And now it's a habit with both of you. You forward all the Amazon stuff to him - why? So he can ok the purchase? Now if it's something you both decided you needed, then I think that's fine. But if it's something for you that you need, or something purchased with your own money, then I would wonder why he wants to have approval over everything. Was there a mistake made in the past about something bought online, and he cannot forget it?
What worries me, though, is that this sounds like it will not stop with internet purchasing; next will be that you can't go to the mall by yourself to shop; next might be that you shouldn't drive yourself, he would drive you everywhere "because he's more capable." Pretty soon you might find yourself unable to take any kind of action on your own. I don't want to sound fantastically unreal and scary, but I do know someone that this very thing happened to. At the end she couldn't even get on the phone with a friend to chat. The husband had finally controlled everything, and all was safe because he was in control.
Sounds abusive situation. I don't think you can change the tone or choice of words with someone who feels he can control what you do and has no respect for you.
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
I can't even start to count the ways in which this is NOT EFFING FUNNY.
I'm sorry your husband treats you so badly. I agree with others that this has the hallmarks of a potentially or already happening abuse situation. I'm curious as well - why do you forward e-mails about your purchases to him? My husband and I share every penny that comes into our house, and neither of us does that with each other. We talk about them - "Hey, I bought a thingy for $50", but it's to share information, not approval.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zen88
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
Time for a "come to hey-sus meeting." I'm my husband's 3rd (and final!) wife and he has the same tendancies as your husband. Too bad his previous wives didn't deal with this because over time the resentment mounts and the heart grows cold and seeks another to connect with or simply desires distance from the other.
Now, first I do want to make it clear that we agree on budget and freely purchase things without eachother's knowlege/approval when we stay in budget but discuss all purchases over $500 .... amount is not important. Having ground rules you both agree to and stick with is what is important.
My DH is extremely intelligent and talented and has a good heart. But his impatience with people who make remarks or do things he finds dumb is not a sign of kindness in action. I experience his harsh disapproval from time to time and I just don't take it from him. But I do let myself calm down and put at least a few hours' space from an unkind remark. Sometimes I let it pass because I'm not perfect and do things to upset him too. But when I feel we are lapsing into a pattern I confront him and let him know I was upset/hurt/angry/frustrated/whatever and give him the specific insult and remind him we are supposed to be a team "me and you against the world" and that remark is very distancing. It works......and then a few months later we'll need to have the conversation again maybe. But I get it off my chest and he does become much more aware and I do get a heartfelt apology.
Last edited by WorldKlas; 09-13-2017 at 11:40 AM..
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
its sexist, but I find it amusing. Truth is here because immediate confrontation never solves anything. Too much emotion on both sides is not going to fix the problem.
We need to discuss a few things about how you handle internet things. You are clueless about these
things and are taking it way too lightly. Eventually you are going to take the family down! Yes I've
read some horror stories. There's no better way to put this. you need to wake up and realize the
fragility of online security. This explains why i don't trust you with money online!.
If the husband sent me an email or text like this? I would wonder if his email was hacked or his phone stolen.
Upon confirming that it was actually him? I'd cry from joy & relief. Next; I'd want to know when he got hit in the head & if it might be permanent. This is what I hear daily, if not more than once a day:
"F---no, you stupid b---; What do you want to lose next, huh? You want your f---ing phone turned off?
I already gave you everything you're going to get & you still OWE me from last month; stupid a--,
worthless POS!"
It doesn't really hurt me anymore because I'm so used to it. And I'm not free anymore to change it (not change him; change it). I had to make a choice 10 years ago, when I left my career to care for our disabled child, to trust that he wouldn't do this & I chose wrong. There is nothing left for me to do now besides to work very hard at being grateful for what I do have & to not lose hope that someday, somehow; my "ship will come in".
(I mean; one day there COULD be a small plane flying overhead with some guys from a drug cartel in it that are being chased by the DEA ... & they are trying to get rid of the evidence & throw a bale of cash out of the plane & it could land in my front yard! And I could get it all inside before the DEA sees where it landed! And then, when the cartel guys start casing the neighborhood for the cash? The 3 children still at home & I would be long gone! Maybe the husband could open the door & deal with them? Of course, I'd make sure to send the husband that roll of paper towels, the 1 light bulb & the $60 cash that I still owe him from last month!)
Add "having an active imagination" to the list along with the "being grateful & hopeful".
Quote:
Originally Posted by krista_S
As you can see from this email, I'm not "allowed" to purchase things online anymore because of my "carelessness". .
I'm assuming you forward him all Amazon communication for budgeting purposes? Meaning you purchase with an account that is either all his or joint? Was this his idea or yours? Are you just going out of your way to appease him or is your use of the account conditional upon you doing this?
He can track the account spending himself. The only advantage an email provides is that he can see itemized purchases & use that against you, such as:
"Why did you buy a first aid kit AND a fire extinguisher?? I thought you said you wanted a first aid kit for your car! You never mentioned a fire extinguisher ... & why did you get the $40 one instead of a $20 one?"
I mean; because if that's how those emails are used? Then your actually in the same boat as me (just one with better vocabulary) because monitoring & tracking your spending is a red flag for economic abuse & economic abuse is a big factor in & of, domestic abuse.
Quote:
Originally Posted by krista_S
One of the reasons I am posting here is to get others opinions of whether they would treat their spouse this way if he or she was making similar mistakes regularly.
I'm interested to see what kind of responses you get too. I never saw this sort of behavior or interaction between my parents; I never once saw fear in my mom's eyes & I never heard disrespect in my dad's voice directed at my mom.
Thank God for that too, because otherwise I might think this was normal. I worry about my daughters thinking this is normal (so hurry up, bale of money falling from sky).
And while "everybody makes mistakes", what you did isn't even a mistake, in my book. A mistake would be if you noticed the phish & sent it anyway while hoping it would be okay ... Not spotting the phish & innocently forwarding it is more of an accident.
He should have just said "Hey; look what happened!" in a helpful manner.
Now let's see if the OP returns or if this is a one-and-done.
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