Changing my husband's tone and choice of words. (therapy, abusive, parent)

[krista_S]

Over the past 10 years my husband has become more and more disrespectful with how he tells me things that bother him. I'm guessing it's because after 10 years you can get pretty frustrated with someone. For the most part our relationship is great, but I need some suggestions on how I might get him to start speaking more respectfully. I have directly told him that his words and tone of voice are very disrespectful and hurt my feelings. I've asked him to reflect on how it would seem if he said such things to a stranger, and asked why it's okay to speak that way to his wife. I've been 100% direct in making it clear it's unacceptable to me to be treated this way, that belittling someone is abusive, no matter what "careless mistake" I may have made. The frequency and intensity of his frustration does not seem effected.

Here's a recent example. I got an email from (what I thought was Amazon) and I forwarded the email to him. I always forward Amazon emails to him to review. This time I was not paying attention and it was a phishing email. I did not click anything and we're not at risk of any scam. But here's what he emailed me in response to my mistake:

We need to discuss a few things about how you handle internet things. You are clueless about these
things and are taking it way too lightly. Eventually you are going to take the family down! Yes I've
read some horror stories. There's no better way to put this. you need to wake up and realize the
fragility of online security. This explains why i don't trust you with money online!

As you can see from this email, I'm not "allowed" to purchase things online anymore because of my "carelessness". I feel that he is belittling me at least 5-6 times a day in similar ways on different topics. I'm really sad that my requests for this to be addressed have fallen on deaf ears. I think this is because he feels anyone would react this way. One of the reasons I am posting here is to get others opinions of whether they would treat their spouse this way if he or she was making similar mistakes regularly.

[Parnassia]

IMHO, for starters, why are you two emailing instead of talking? Emails are notorious for being misunderstood. I am not saying it was acceptable for your husband to berate you in the manner he did, but that you are using email to "discuss" things and send him emails for his "approval". That would bother me a lot.

That being said, why do you let your husband dictate what you can and cannot buy or how you can buy it? It sounds as if there is a long-standing pattern of control on his part. He has "learned" that he can tell you what to do, that you are not capable of handling normal day-to-day things and that he must protect you from yourself. He has probably always felt this way, you have accepted your "role", and he has no reason to change now that you don't like it. It goes deeper than the words or phrases he uses. He's used to your compliance.

[Ruth4Truth]

I agree that more background info is needed, to put everything into perspective, OP. How long has this been going on? When did it start, and what caused it?

I agree that his email response to you was inappropriate; he should have simply said "That was a phishing email, please be careful in checking material you forward.", and then spoken to you about it later, if he felt it necessary to say more.

It does sound like he doesn't respect you as a capable adult. If he continues to decline to change his manner, tell him you want the two of you to go into couples counseling. That will get his attention. You two need to work this out, and it sounds like it's not going to happen at home, just between the two of you. You may need professional help.

If there's so much belittling going on, why is he with you? Are there good times? Do you have fun together? Is he using you for sex, while merely tolerating you the rest of the time?

Marriage counseling, OP.

[Nicci6Squirrels]

It sounds like he's the parent and you're the child. Whenever there's an imbalance like that, there's bound to be a problem. My husband wouldn't "speak" to me that way because he wouldn't want to hurt me. That's the bottom line. Even if I did something super-boneheaded, (not that what you did was "boneheaded" at all!) he wouldn't speak to me in that manner. And we've been married for 28 years. I wouldn't accept it from anyone.

Have you expressed to him that it hurts you when he addresses you this way? Honesty would be of utmost importance in this situation, I'd think. Pushing this kind of thing down causes long term resentment.

[FemToolGirl]

It sounds like he resents you. I would sit him down and find out what it is. You mentioned it has been years. That is too many years to be treated like you are an idiot. You need to give him a little fight and demand respect and you value yourself too much to put up with it much longer. If he loves you than a little sass will not drive him away. It should make him respect you more.

[txfriend]

Wow, unbelievable. I’ve been married to my wife for 54 years and would never speak to her like this. She can order whatever she wants at anytime, it’s her money too. Are you much younger than he is? Are you the second wife, because the first one kicked his a## out.

[lkmax]

Internet scams are real and are a constant threat, and some people are better at picking up on them than others. That doesn't mean he should talk to you like you're an idiot. Some of these scam emails really do seem legit.

I wouldn't appreciate the email he sent you, either. He definitely talked down to you, and that is so wrong. "These scams are everywhere these days...we have to be careful! I find myself deleting scam stuff in my email all the time. Remind me later to tell you some of the ways that you can tell it's a scam so that you can watch out for them, too." would be so much more respectful.

[ndcairngorm]

I agree that he's a controlling person. If it's been going on for a long time, as I suspect it has, I would wonder why you let that happen, except that I'll bet it happened so slowly and insidiously that you didn't realize how far things had gone until you stopped and thought about it one day. And now it's a habit with both of you. You forward all the Amazon stuff to him - why? So he can ok the purchase? Now if it's something you both decided you needed, then I think that's fine. But if it's something for you that you need, or something purchased with your own money, then I would wonder why he wants to have approval over everything. Was there a mistake made in the past about something bought online, and he cannot forget it?

What worries me, though, is that this sounds like it will not stop with internet purchasing; next will be that you can't go to the mall by yourself to shop; next might be that you shouldn't drive yourself, he would drive you everywhere "because he's more capable." Pretty soon you might find yourself unable to take any kind of action on your own. I don't want to sound fantastically unreal and scary, but I do know someone that this very thing happened to. At the end she couldn't even get on the phone with a friend to chat. The husband had finally controlled everything, and all was safe because he was in control.

[jelenap]

Honestly, it's not the tone that is a problem, it's the whole situation. Sounds like something from the 50s. If my husband tried to treat me like that he'd be packing his things. However, I earn my own money and deal with finances and I'm very versed in the "internet things" (I bet much more than your husband ).

OP, if you no longer want to be just a "little wifey" then start with educating yourself in these matters. Knowledge is power. And don't send anymore emails to your husband. Join Reddit. You can find tons of information and advice there on any subject.

Good luck!

[steiconi]

Couples therapy might be a safe place where you can express your resentment of the way he treats you, and work toward a more equitable relationship. If he won't go, go without him.