Changing my husband's tone and choice of words. (counselor, feelings, people)
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its sexist, but I find it amusing. Truth is here because immediate confrontation never solves anything. Too much emotion on both sides is not going to fix the problem.
This^^^^.
If you do a google search, you can find more examples of this written with the sex roles reversed.
We have to learn to laugh at ourselves, realize that NONE of us is perfect, and see that we may be making a contribution to the problem without realizing it. That is where therapy comes in.
Time for a "come to hey-sus meeting." I'm my husband's 3rd (and final!) wife and he has the same tendancies as your husband. Too bad his previous wives didn't deal with this because over time the resentment mounts and the heart grows cold and seeks another to connect with or simply desires distance from the other.
Now, first I do want to make it clear that we agree on budget and freely purchase things without eachother's knowlege/approval when we stay in budget but discuss all purchases over $500 .... amount is not important. Having ground rules you both agree to and stick with is what is important.
My DH is extremely intelligent and talented and has a good heart. But his impatience with people who make remarks or do things he finds dumb is not a sign of kindness in action. I experience his harsh disapproval from time to time and I just don't take it from him. But I do let myself calm down and put at least a few hours' space from an unkind remark. Sometimes I let it pass because I'm not perfect and do things to upset him too. But when I feel we are lapsing into a pattern I confront him and let him know I was upset/hurt/angry/frustrated/whatever and give him the specific insult and remind him we are supposed to be a team "me and you against the world" and that remark is very distancing. It works......and then a few months later we'll need to have the conversation again maybe. But I get it off my chest and he does become much more aware and I do get a heartfelt apology.
The OP says she's done this, though, but doesn't get an apology. The behavior continues.
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catgirl64
I can't even start to count the ways in which this is NOT EFFING FUNNY.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bondaroo
That's disgusting.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas
its sexist, but I find it amusing. Truth is here because immediate confrontation never solves anything. Too much emotion on both sides is not going to fix the problem.
I agree, it is funny. Not really that sexist IMO because it could be just as well the other way around.
Not quite appropriate for this thread but a funny joke.
It's a way to point out that it is quite possible that the OP is contributing to the problem in ways she may not realize.
None of us are perfect, and it takes two to tango. I'm not saying she definitely is contributing, just saying there is a possibility. I used humor to do that. I'm funny like that.
If the husband sent me an email or text like this? I would wonder if his email was hacked or his phone stolen.
Upon confirming that it was actually him? I'd cry from joy & relief. Next; I'd want to know when he got hit in the head & if it might be permanent. This is what I hear daily, if not more than once a day:
"F---no, you stupid b---; What do you want to lose next, huh? You want your f---ing phone turned off?
I already gave you everything you're going to get & you still OWE me from last month; stupid a--,
worthless POS!"
It doesn't really hurt me anymore because I'm so used to it. And I'm not free anymore to change it (not change him; change it). I had to make a choice 10 years ago, when I left my career to care for our disabled child, to trust that he wouldn't do this & I chose wrong. There is nothing left for me to do now besides to work very hard at being grateful for what I do have & to not lose hope that someday, somehow; my "ship will come in".
Are you saying your husband speaks and acts this way towards you regularly? I just want to be clear on that. That goes way beyond verbal abuse, and I damn well know verbal abuse.
Do you have any friends or family you can go to? Please--you have to get away from that person and the situation. Now. That is inexcusable, inuman behavior. I am so sorry if you are living with this.
I agree with the recommendation for counseling. If he won't go, go by yourself. Don't base the future of your marriage on the advice of a bunch of Internet strangers.
Over the past 10 years my husband has become more and more disrespectful with how he tells me things that bother him. I'm guessing it's because after 10 years you can get pretty frustrated with someone. For the most part our relationship is great, but I need some suggestions on how I might get him to start speaking more respectfully. I have directly told him that his words and tone of voice are very disrespectful and hurt my feelings. I've asked him to reflect on how it would seem if he said such things to a stranger, and asked why it's okay to speak that way to his wife. I've been 100% direct in making it clear it's unacceptable to me to be treated this way, that belittling someone is abusive, no matter what "careless mistake" I may have made. The frequency and intensity of his frustration does not seem effected.
Here's a recent example. I got an email from (what I thought was Amazon) and I forwarded the email to him. I always forward Amazon emails to him to review. This time I was not paying attention and it was a phishing email. I did not click anything and we're not at risk of any scam. But here's what he emailed me in response to my mistake:
We need to discuss a few things about how you handle internet things. You are clueless about these
things and are taking it way too lightly. Eventually you are going to take the family down! Yes I've
read some horror stories. There's no better way to put this. you need to wake up and realize the
fragility of online security. This explains why i don't trust you with money online!
As you can see from this email, I'm not "allowed" to purchase things online anymore because of my "carelessness". I feel that he is belittling me at least 5-6 times a day in similar ways on different topics. I'm really sad that my requests for this to be addressed have fallen on deaf ears. I think this is because he feels anyone would react this way. One of the reasons I am posting here is to get others opinions of whether they would treat their spouse this way if he or she was making similar mistakes regularly.
You told him directly how you have felt about how he speaks to you and YET he is STILL doing it.You can't change your husband's behavior concerning yourself...he is the only one that can do that.Don't you hate it when you tell someone 100% clearly on how you feel and they don't give a damn??This is where you need to love yourself more then this guy because no one should have to take this crap.You made yourself clear and he doesn't care.10 yrs with someone who treats you like that?Looks like it's time to end this mess by just getting out of it all together.He needs to fix the way he speaks to you and that sounds like it will not happen.Why stay married to someone like this even if he's not always like this.One time is too many times...
Over the past 10 years my husband has become more and more disrespectful with how he tells me things that bother him. I'm guessing it's because after 10 years you can get pretty frustrated with someone. For the most part our relationship is great, but I need some suggestions on how I might get him to start speaking more respectfully. I have directly told him that his words and tone of voice are very disrespectful and hurt my feelings. I've asked him to reflect on how it would seem if he said such things to a stranger, and asked why it's okay to speak that way to his wife. I've been 100% direct in making it clear it's unacceptable to me to be treated this way, that belittling someone is abusive, no matter what "careless mistake" I may have made. The frequency and intensity of his frustration does not seem effected.
Here's a recent example. I got an email from (what I thought was Amazon) and I forwarded the email to him. I always forward Amazon emails to him to review. This time I was not paying attention and it was a phishing email. I did not click anything and we're not at risk of any scam. But here's what he emailed me in response to my mistake:
We need to discuss a few things about how you handle internet things. You are clueless about these
things and are taking it way too lightly. Eventually you are going to take the family down! Yes I've
read some horror stories. There's no better way to put this. you need to wake up and realize the
fragility of online security. This explains why i don't trust you with money online!
As you can see from this email, I'm not "allowed" to purchase things online anymore because of my "carelessness". I feel that he is belittling me at least 5-6 times a day in similar ways on different topics. I'm really sad that my requests for this to be addressed have fallen on deaf ears. I think this is because he feels anyone would react this way. One of the reasons I am posting here is to get others opinions of whether they would treat their spouse this way if he or she was making similar mistakes regularly.
Your husband sounds like a huge walking penis. Here is what I would do in this situation.
I would sit him down and tell him
You need to do two things
1. Treat me with the same respect that I treat you. As your wife, partner, friend and confidant I expect to be treated like a equal. If you cannot treat me as a equal and feel the need to demean me at every turn, I'm sure I can find someone else who appreciates me and all I do. Stay here think about it. I'll be in the other room when you're ready to talk to me not down at me.
2. Leave him there to think.
I have been in this situation. I had a stressful job with lots of subordinates. The problem? I started treating my wife as a subordinate. Not fair. Your post reminded me of that. What I said was what I thought my wife should of said to me. Would I treat my wife or anyone this way today? No.
Tell him that he needs to get his stuff together or leave. There us no excuse to demean someone. He could of simpky responded with a ok hon let's check this out when I get home. It looks like a scam so don't respond. You did a awesome job bringing it to my attention.
Love you
You told him directly how you have felt about how he speaks to you and YET he is STILL doing it.You can't change your husband's behavior concerning yourself...he is the only one that can do that.Don't you hate it when you tell someone 100% clearly on how you feel and they don't give a damn??This is where you need to love yourself more then this guy because no one should have to take this crap.You made yourself clear and he doesn't care.10 yrs with someone who treats you like that?Looks like it's time to end this mess by just getting out of it all together.He needs to fix the way he speaks to you and that sounds like it will not happen.Why stay married to someone like this even if he's not always like this.One time is too many times...
Jumping all the way to divorce over only one side of the story. That's a huge overreaction. We need to know the rest of the story behind it, such as what does this statement mean: "I'm not allowed to purchase things on line anymore because of my carelessness." Is there a history behind this statement? It hints at the OP having some previous problems handling money or information on line.
What everyone is taking as controlling could instead by legitimate fear and handling of previous financial problems caused by careless handling of money. My wife, love her to death, but she has no concept of money. She was so naïve that she believed anything someone told her. Perfect victim for a sales snow job. Door to door magazine salesman -- she subscribed to $300 worth of magazines. You know those cosmetic aisles in department stores? My wife got caught by one of those who fixed her all up with almost $500 worth of makeup. After some years she's finally learning to say no to those people and really read and understand those emails she gets.
We need to know that rest of the story before assuming he's just a controlling weenie vs loving husband trying to prevent financial disaster.
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