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The idea is hopelessly outmoded, I am sure, but sex IMHO is supposed to be an expression of love, and is a pretty outstanding way of experiencing closeness. It can also be riotous good fun, too. It doesn't, in other words, always have to be profound. But it can be.
However, if there's no one that you currently love, or want to be close to, or even have fun with, best to leave it alone for now. It can do a lot of emotional damage if you use it to manipulate people, or if someone misunderstands your motives. Pretty powerful stuff, really.
This is a great post. I've been with this guy for quite a few (7+) years, I was 50, he was a few years younger. I sincerely think the last couple of lines in your post describe our early relationship. I'm still sorting it out but whatever's going on is not healthy. I think he used it or the affection that accompanied it in a passive aggressive way - made me feel rejected by gradual disinterest. Eventually I decided I was going to separate myself emotionally so it no longer hurt my feelings. I'm leaving him as soon as I get another job and this house sells. I'm disappointed because when we met (for the 2nd time - we worked together in the early 80's) I thought this was the relationship I'd been dreaming of.
I'd be willing to work on it but it's apparently too much effort on his part.
Have you ever heard that the first year you're together put one tick mark on the wall for every time you have sex. After the first year, start taking away a mark every time you have sex. You'll never erase them all. 2016 we had sex 5 times. Last year once. (I never rejected his advances) I'm banking on never letting him touch me again.
I'd love to have a relationship where intimacy is a healthy part.
Seems like a lot of the older couples I know are drifting apart compared to the ones growing closer... these are all unmarried and some have lived together for a decade or more... most have at least one divorce.
Maybe life is just simpler not being tied down in your 60's and beyond.
4 I know have retired and bought retirement homes in Arizona... only one went as a couple.
The common complaint was the men were just getting old and stuck in their ways... the women wanted fun... which didn't include the early bird dinner buffet.
I don't prefer abstinence, but I live in an isolated, small metropolitan that doesn't have a lot of dating options for a guy in his early 30s. I have a pretty good job. I own my own condo. No kids, not much personal baggage. I've been back here since the middle of 2016, and haven't been on a single date with a woman where I thought there was any hope of long-term compatibility. I'm looking for a woman that makes close to what I do, preferably no kids (or kids older than 10), and with little personal drama. That's just not available here. Previously, I lived in a major metro area, was in a relationship for a year, and had numerous dates that I thought could go somewhere. I've had so little success dating here that I just don't care anymore.
I'm bisexual and have had some encounters with men, but I've never had any romantic feelings for men. With that said, the men I've attracted locally seem to be better looking, have better careers, etc., than the women I've gone on dates with.
I did date a few that were around 5 years younger. The last one just last year was 10 years younger and he said the age difference was no big deal especially since I don't look my age but then after visiting his family out of state all of a sudden it WAS a big deal.
The thing is I'm not unhappy being alone, most of the time. Relationships can be complicated and I'm just not ready for complications in my life.
I don't prefer abstinence, but I live in an isolated, small metropolitan that doesn't have a lot of dating options for a guy in his early 30s. I have a pretty good job. I own my own condo. No kids, not much personal baggage. I've been back here since the middle of 2016, and haven't been on a single date with a woman where I thought there was any hope of long-term compatibility. I'm looking for a woman that makes close to what I do, preferably no kids (or kids older than 10), and with little personal drama. That's just not available here. Previously, I lived in a major metro area, was in a relationship for a year, and had numerous dates that I thought could go somewhere. I've had so little success dating here that I just don't care anymore.
I'm bisexual and have had some encounters with men, but I've never had any romantic feelings for men. With that said, the men I've attracted locally seem to be better looking, have better careers, etc., than the women I've gone on dates with.
Interesting...I'm good friends with a man who was married for 10 years and has since come out...I would say as gay - because since his divorce he's said he hasn't been with a single woman. His primary reason? Sex with men is much easier. Despite some emotional dysfunction and immaturity on their part, it is pretty much 'no fuss, no muss'. That's not to say some men don't want to text forever and not meet or that there aren't men who aren't terrible at sex but he still says it is easier - and being in his 40's he doesn't have time to waste!
His main complaint with men is somewhat correlated - they're terrible at any kind of foreplay because...they've only been with men! Since he's been with women before and has had to "be persuasive" with women he at least takes some time for that while the guys pretty much are oblivious and are bad at kissing or anything else leading up to sex.
And when you are done with it, just toss it in a drawer (or in a box under the bed) until the next time you need it. No jealousy, no sponging or asking for $$, no cheating, no lying, no surprise kids popping up out of nowhere that were made 15-20 years earlier.
Boy, if they made men who could be controlled by simply flipping a switch...
Are you serious? The men in question were 60+ years old, they are lucky to be getting ten seconds out of their Dick.
My late husband died at 75 (he was much older) and until around 70 he was still going strong. Some men are just clueless. The one I jokingly call the "5 second man" was an Old World Italian who seemed to believe sex was for procreation and the very few times we did have sex he immediately took a shower and then prayed for God to forgive him. Needless to say I pretty much gave up on dating after that with the exception of the guy who was 10 years younger than me but there was no intimacy involved since we only went out one time.
I dated exactly 5 different guys after my husband died; three were impotent, one was the "5 second man" and one was very good in bed and he was around 54 years old. Unfortunately I think he was married and after dating a few months he ghosted on me. A man who was a good lover at 30 will probably still be a good lover at 60 barring any health issues. The "5 second man" blamed a hernia on his speed but I think it was a lot more than that especially after he told me his ex-wife quit having sex with him shortly after their one child was born. She was probably tired of the wham, bam, thank you ma'am also.
Now that I'm 63 I view sex as a way of getting close to the person you care about more than fulfilling some sexual need which can be accomplished without a man...
Last edited by chiluvr1228; 02-16-2018 at 08:16 AM..
Interesting...I'm good friends with a man who was married for 10 years and has since come out...I would say as gay - because since his divorce he's said he hasn't been with a single woman. His primary reason? Sex with men is much easier. Despite some emotional dysfunction and immaturity on their part, it is pretty much 'no fuss, no muss'. That's not to say some men don't want to text forever and not meet or that there aren't men who aren't terrible at sex but he still says it is easier - and being in his 40's he doesn't have time to waste!
His main complaint with men is somewhat correlated - they're terrible at any kind of foreplay because...they've only been with men! Since he's been with women before and has had to "be persuasive" with women he at least takes some time for that while the guys pretty much are oblivious and are bad at kissing or anything else leading up to sex.
I would say that historically I've probably been with three women to every man. I've never had any interesting being with a man romantically.
Still, the frustrating thing for me in dating women is that is virtually no "professional" women here to date. Sure, I could probably find a woman willing to date me because I'm relatively well-off compared to a lot of locals. I could probably find someone desperate with a lot of kids. Whenever you can't find anything even close to what you want, you begin to look at less temperamental alternate options.
My son has a friend whose parents have been married for around 35 years. Apparently they have sex almost every night according to their daughter who, on more than one occasion, has heard their "activities". I just can't wrap my head around it. I guess some people are just more highly sexed than others and it's good those two found each other.
After my husband and I had been married 20 years, we fell into the once a week routine.
Seems like a lot of the older couples I know are drifting apart compared to the ones growing closer... these are all unmarried and some have lived together for a decade or more... most have at least one divorce.
...
The common complaint was the men were just getting old and stuck in their ways... the women wanted fun... which didn't include the early bird dinner buffet.
I know lots of 30-something couples. They do well relationship-wise---props to them for that---but "fun" is the last word I'd use to describe them. The women just want to enjoy quiet evenings at home, or do "wholesome couple things", like going to a family restaurant. And the men go along with it without voicing ideas of their own, even though they used to be pretty active. It's the main reason I swore off relationships at least until I'm 60. And along with that, I lost all traces of interest in sex. Submitting myself to someone else's demands isn't worth all the sex in the world. And the "Me Too" movement permanently put me off one-nighters, which I've had and enjoyed. Looks like the middle-school abstinence preaching came full circle .
Quote:
Originally Posted by chiluvr1228
I did date a few that were around 5 years younger. The last one just last year was 10 years younger and he said the age difference was no big deal especially since I don't look my age but then after visiting his family out of state all of a sudden it WAS a big deal.
No big deal at all. When I (male) was in my mid 20's, I dated a woman 10 years older than me. We didn't last long, like a few months, but we saw each other pretty often: twice a week on average, oftentimes during the day. (We were both unemployed at the time, so I wonder if that's what brought us together.) It was great; one of the most enjoyable relationships I had. She looked good for her age, too. We didn't meet each other's families, other than us running into her sister once in a store in her area, so no word on that.
And today, I'm good friends with a woman 10 years younger than me. I can sense a little bit of latent attraction on some days, but we never acted on it, and I intend to keep it that way, out of fairness to both of us. Maybe I just get along better with older or younger women .
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 02-16-2018 at 09:50 AM..
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