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There was a book I read years ago titled "The Other Twenty Four Hours" that was essentially an observation study of group behavior within the confines of a residential treatment center for young men or a group home in New York. My takeaway from the book was that within a group we all serve some purpose and new members have to either share a purpose with someone or created a new purpose.
For instance the author suggested that only one member could be the "mascot" as he called it. This is the member that most in the group desire to be like or who they would like people outside of the group to think most represents them. IMO I think small social groups evolve around this person. As the the group redefines itself with a new member the old mascot has to either take a lower role or seek a new group. Fortunately I think this person is the most able to form a new group around themself.
An oddity of groups is, normally we form groups with people we are the most like, but once in the group we try to establish individuality.
I will add jealousy or vindictive insecure troll to the list. I haven’t seen it happen too often over the years BUT recently a woman I’d seen cause mayhem in another online group joined one I was a very active member in. I let my friend and admin know and blocked the woman and I decided to step back out of it. It took less than a month for this woman to cause fights,confusion, mayhem before she was booted off.
I see nothing unusual or paranoid about your observation of social hierarchy patterns in groups. Like others I watched and learned to navigate and avoid getting caught up in the drama.
I recently realized something that I have seen 3 times over the course of my life (I'm in my 40's) and never brought myself to question before. What I observed was an existing and stable group of friends welcome someone new into the group, and the new person attempted to push out someone in the group. I saw this once in my 20's, once in my 30's, and once in my 40's. One group was college friends, one was work friends and one was long-term personal friends.
From my perspective, all three times it was very subtle but it seemed calculated. There was no obvious drama and no words were exchanged, but through face to face communication, electronic communication, and invitations to get-togethers and events, one person in the group (the same person in each instance) was frequently (but not always) excluded when the new person made the plans or addressed others.
Most interesting to me was that this was three different groups of people but it was almost identical in each case. In one case (in my 30's) the target was me (I got along great with all in the group including the new person) and in two other cases the target was other people who had no drama in the group before or after the new person was introduced.
Do people try to position themselves in a group by attempting to push someone else out? My perspective on group dynamics is not to be exclusive of someone in the group unless there was a serious reason to, or to keep two people apart who just don't get along. Then again I'm not much of a snob and maybe I'm biased in seeing this as some sort of a weird (as well as unnecessary and self-serving) power play.
So I wanted to know if others have seen this, and if so, what drives people to do such a thing?
This has happened to me once before.
Like you, I liked the newcomer just fine, (starting out) and had no quarrel with her, or negative impressions of her.
She came in to a group of friends, and all was fine. One day, she lent me a book, which I read, enjoyed, and gave back as soon as I was done.
A while later, the movie version of the book came out, and the group of friends (minus me) all went to see the movie together. I didn't know until after the fact. I said something like "Gosh, I wish I'd known. That would've been fun." And the newcomer said "Well, I just thought those of us that read the book would've really enjoyed the movie." I said "Nancy, YOU gave ME the book, and I returned it. We talked about it." She got all vague and says "Really? I don't remember."
Another time, the group (minus me) met up with another one of our friends who had retired, for lunch. Again...didn't know about it until after the fact.
And yet another time, exact same scenario...meet up for lunch with retired friend...except THAT time, retired friend made sure to let me know BEFORE the date.
I've noticed this sort of underhanded behavior more within groups of females rather than within groups of mixed gender (usually predominately male. It's likely why I prefer both working with men or with other women who don't generally like the typical behavior of other females. :-) Per my own experiences, men are just more direct about not liking someone or wanting to take dominance within a group--either socially or work-wise. To paraphrase an earlier post, just about everything you need to know about group behavior, you can learn by observing a flock of chickens. True story, that.
Like you, I liked the newcomer just fine, (starting out) and had no quarrel with her, or negative impressions of her.
She came in to a group of friends, and all was fine. One day, she lent me a book, which I read, enjoyed, and gave back as soon as I was done.
A while later, the movie version of the book came out, and the group of friends (minus me) all went to see the movie together. I didn't know until after the fact. I said something like "Gosh, I wish I'd known. That would've been fun." And the newcomer said "Well, I just thought those of us that read the book would've really enjoyed the movie." I said "Nancy, YOU gave ME the book, and I returned it. We talked about it." She got all vague and says "Really? I don't remember."
Another time, the group (minus me) met up with another one of our friends who had retired, for lunch. Again...didn't know about it until after the fact.
And yet another time, exact same scenario...meet up for lunch with retired friend...except THAT time, retired friend made sure to let me know BEFORE the date.
Forgot to say, but hope it was obvious, that newcomer had planned all the activities.
There was a book I read years ago titled "The Other Twenty Four Hours" that was essentially an observation study of group behavior within the confines of a residential treatment center for young men or a group home in New York. My takeaway from the book was that within a group we all serve some purpose and new members have to either share a purpose with someone or created a new purpose.
For instance the author suggested that only one member could be the "mascot" as he called it. This is the member that most in the group desire to be like or who they would like people outside of the group to think most represents them. IMO I think small social groups evolve around this person. As the the group redefines itself with a new member the old mascot has to either take a lower role or seek a new group. Fortunately I think this person is the most able to form a new group around themself.
An oddity of groups is, normally we form groups with people we are the most like, but once in the group we try to establish individuality.
Yes, all groups place people in roles, whether explicitly or implicitly.
I don't now and never have been a member of a social group. I don't really feel comfortable in a social group. It's too much like high school for my taste. I don't like the group think that takes over. It seems like people banding together for some sort of security they can't feel on their own.
I got along well with co-workers. I have friends, have hosted get togethers with one or two friends and there wives. I have attended functions with people I knew and didn't know. I'm sociable. But I don't become a member of any group. If a group ejects a person or allows someone to be ejected, they are not friends.
I don't now and never have been a member of a group. I don't really feel comfortable in a group. It's too much like high school for my taste. I don't like the group think that takes over. It seems like people banding together for some sort of security they can't feel on their own.
I have friends, have been at get togethers with two friends and there wives at most. I have attended functions with people I knew. But I don't become a member of any group. If a group ejects a person or allows someone to be ejected, they are not friends.
I suspect (we can call it paranoia...I don't care) that the instigator manipulates facts, and maybe lies to rest of the group about the ousted one. Maybe like "Hmmm, I wonder why Sassy didn't come? She said she was coming." (When in fact, no I didn't say that, because I never knew.)
If that happens enough times, other members of the group begin to wonder if Sassy has a problem and just doesn't like newcomer, and that's Sassy's problem, not their's.
This is why I decline invites to regular “meetups “as I call them. When someone says, “We always get together at Joe’s every Wednesday you should join us,” Some of these invites are from guys I’ve known for a long time so on a special occasion, like around a holiday, I will drop in but I know I can’t really be a regular member of an already established group without ruffling someone’s feathers.
If I can get esoteric here, I think a newcomer or addition to the group changes the Philosophic Bent of the group and that can shift the groups philosophically in a direction where one member is not contributing to the conversation as much.
Last edited by thriftylefty; 05-09-2018 at 02:18 PM..
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