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There was this singles group I attended recently. It was outdoors at a festival and we were gathered around under a tree hanging out. Some were long time regulars other not. I actually had a pretty nice time. Got to know a woman and even got her #.
Anyways, there's this one dude sitting way on the opposite end, and the people that were around him left. So he was sitting there with empty chairs around him and I and the others on the other end.
The organizer says to him, "Scoot on over, join us!" Trying to make him feel welcomed. He looks at us, doesn't move. Then she proceeds to have a conversation with him, practically yelling past me. He is answering, but not too talkative. Personalty zilch.
She asks him to again, come on over. He stands up, walks half way and stand kind of behind me. He gets into a half-arsed conversation, then stops. And she gets caught up in the conversations with the ladies near here, so he's just ....hovering.
So I get up to chat with him, and the conversation is forced. I was kind of doing this to confirm his behavior was sure enough proof that this guy was either a Mod cut. or a dud.
He left early, so apparently he wasn't satisfied with the group. But if you're not engaging enough yourself, why even come?
This reminded me of a friend that would do this. At a Meetup, where the organizer would reserve a table, with "Meetup" sign on it. But he would sit at a smaller table away from it and the organizer gives him a Mod cut. are you doing sitting over there? and waves him over. He's like," Thanks but I'm okay"
He did the same thing, but would sit at a bar, purposely being unsociable. When I approached him and go, "Dude, what's your deal?" He said something about letting them come to you...you know, like I just did"
I am like "Really? Dude...that's just to obvious"
Anyways, have you experienced people being purposely aloof at a social event in order to get people to come to them? I know an organizer that would simply boot a guy like that based on that behavior. lol
Last edited by PJSaturn; 07-30-2018 at 02:00 PM..
Reason: Inappropriate language.
I've seen some people in the past remain apart a bit, but I thought they were just listening to the group, deciding if it would be a good fit for them.
Never heard the let them come to me idea.
Must not work as you said he was at the end by himself...
Maybe he has social anxiety and it was already a big step for him just to show up. You really never know what motivates people to behave the way they do. But regardless, I don't think it's your place to judge, not knowing anything about him or why he was perceived as being anti social.
Maybe he has social anxiety and it was already a big step for him just to show up. You really never know what motivates people to behave the way they do. But regardless, I don't think it's your place to judge, not knowing anything about him or why he was perceived as being anti social.
This...apparently he was engaging with some people who happened to have left already. He's not obligated to join whoever remains. Maybe he was considering leaving himself.
Why do you care so much that everyone come and join you? Maybe he does better with just a couple people rather than a larger group, who knows? Maybe you guys sounded loud and boisterous and not his type? Could be anything but there's no reason to be nasty about it.
"Purposely aloof?" Yep, I've seen it and have not been able to figure out why someone would choose this approach to personal interaction with others. It's like their "testing" the "strong-silent-type" stuff. If it's a calculated way to draw someone in, I find it utterly ridiculous and childish. On the other hand, some folks are just the quiet-type socializers, and I believe they approach rarely and tend not to verbalize a lot. I respect that.
Anyways, have you experienced people being purposely aloof at a social event in order to get people to come to them?
Well, that's only one possible way to characterize the situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChiGal7
Maybe he has social anxiety and it was already a big step for him just to show up. You really never know what motivates people to behave the way they do. But regardless, I don't think it's your place to judge, not knowing anything about him or why he was perceived as being anti social.
I agree.
Maybe he had been chatting with someone he was interested in but they left and he was disappointed.
Maybe it was his first Meet-Up and he was unsure about the whole thing, not great at joining existing conversation groups.
You just really never know what other people have been through/are thinking.
So I get up to chat with him, and the conversation is forced. I was kind of doing this to confirm his behavior was sure enough proof that this guy was either a [snip] or a dud.
lol, you just described me, exactly. Problem is, I'm not "doing" anything.... thankfully I'm not single, so I can "hover" near my wife and be as antisocial as I want without people casting judgement.
Lets see if I can explain. There are times I'm roped into a commitment that either I never wanted to be involved in (married life), or that I'm interested in but other things put me in a foul mood and I try anyway. Last is that I'm interested, but just not feeling it once I arrive (usually caused by too many people, too much interfering chatter). This is typical Introvert behavior, it takes a LOT of energy/effort for us to deal with new things, lots of people, and when they're combined? It can lead to complete shutdown ~ I've had that happen before at a concert (first/last/only I've been to, nearly 4 decades on and my stomach just drops when I think about it).
The way to handle these people is to make sure they know they're welcome to join up front (sometimes it feels like intruding, especially when others are already involved... it's why I go out of my way to Always be early). Then give them some space for awhile and finally approach as a small group (2 or 3 people MAX) so there's no splintering of conversations where the introvert is unsure of which to follow and will simply revert to recluse state.
We're not "duds", we just do things differently. We aren't energized by loud noise, lots of people or rapid change ~ all of those drain us of energy. Ever notice the person sleeping at aloud party and you Know they weren't drinking? That's the introvert who ran out of energy and crashed. But, get us in a small group of people (new or not) where there's only 1 conversation thread to follow and you might be surprised. I know a few couples who are into/extro opposites and make it work, but it's easier when both are more on the same page.
I know exactly what that guy was going through. Worked up the courage to try something new on their own, and realized they were in over their head when they got there but didn't want to just leave. Felt awkward the whole time, and constantly berated themselves for acting so poorly once they departed. Some of us, some of the time, will get a little belligerent and aggressive when confronted ~ I *hate* when I get this way and as soon as I see it, I leave because it won't get better. Sucks, but that's just the life of an introvert.
"This kind of person"?
I think you may be mistaking their behavior for aloofness. I think they're insecure, or unsure of how to act, but they at least made it out the door, so they should get some credit, anyway...they want to interact but are struggling.
They're behavior certainly doesn't anger me, I don't feel the need to question them, I think that would make them feel even more uncomfortable. Just let them be and they can decide how to proceed.
Maybe he has social anxiety and it was already a big step for him just to show up. You really never know what motivates people to behave the way they do. But regardless, I don't think it's your place to judge, not knowing anything about him or why he was perceived as being anti social.
Exactly.
People who go to these meetups should deserve credit for effort, not criticism, imo. Meetups is the last place I'd go to look for a date.
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