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No friends
No family
No boyfriend
No life
No purpose
I sympathize, but you’ve got to find something that you’re passionate about. Challenge yourself to do something that you’ve always wanted to do that is not dependent on another person.
I sympathize, but you’ve got to find something that you’re passionate about. Challenge yourself to do something that you’ve always wanted to do that is not dependent on another person.
There’s an expression “It’s lonely at the top”. And there are reasons why that is. Type that topic in the Google Search, you can find tons of articles and youtubes about it.
For higher rank people, their requirements for a relationship and friendship are much higher. They don’t settle for mediocrity, and it’s not recommended for anyone to settle for mediocrity though, therefore it’s harder to find the right one.
Nobody is perfect. Everyone has problems.
One simple thing I can suggest is to buy a dog, or a cat, or a pet in general, take good care of her/him, and s/he can be a very good friend with you. If you have a dog, walk him/her everyday, you may see other people who walk their dogs, you can talk with them, and you may be able to make friends with them.
In everything, you want to be successful, you have to spend time for it and work hard on it. Of course, you know this very well. With a pet, you want it to be your friend, you have to take good care of it. You have to feed it, clean up its mess, train it, talk to it, bring it to the vet, etc., ... It takes lots of work and time. But no pain, no gain.
If you know what you need to do then why aren’t you applying it? What is stopping you from reaching out? My partner is a white SA and often told me that being in therapy is considered a huge weakness in your country. So I understand why you are defensive. Intellectually you know how to communicate, but something is still stopping you from putting yourself out there. That’s why people recommend therapy.
And if someone was having pervasive medical issues that were adversely affecting their quality of life, people would recommend them going to a doctor without stigma or shame. Going to a therapist for the pervasive mental health issues that are affecting their life is no different, and there is absolutely no shame or stigma in it.
I think this has got to do more with the fact that in your 40s making friends is very difficult, wherever you're located. Men have a particularly difficult time initiating friendships as we age. The pace of life has become faster (people are really time-pressed between their jobs, family commitments etc.) in the 21st century. And, to be honest, our societies are becoming more selfish in general. Or is this a rationalisation I'm making? Call me out, if it is!
I agree with you with the above.
Yes, the older you (I mean everyone) are, the harder you can find a friend. When people get older, they are busy with their family, spouse/partner, children, grandchildren. And when they get older and older and older, their physical and mental conditions change. They may feel not strong, not energetic as when they were younger. They may feel tired and don't want to socialize and make more friends as much as when they were young. They are okay with less friends because their friends move away or die. They eventually accept the changes in the world nowadays and that is how life goes.
I'm going to ask for your opinion/advice here. But I'm going to present my perception of the situation - Please call me out if you think I'm avoiding any issue/being defensive/have a blind spot etc. in my explanation.
I was my 44th birthday on Tuesday (March 5) and this issue became acutely painful this week.
First, a bit of background. I am a black South African who grew up in a neighbourhood governed by Apartheid. It was a slum, attracted gangsterism and drug abuse etc. [US inner city, but just a bit worse because people believed it should be that way]. Because of the safety concerns our parents kept a close watch on us, we were never supposed to go out alone, it was just too dangerous and even if we did there were no recreational facilities (a sports park etc.) that you could simply hang out with friends in.
There was very little schooling for black kids and so those schools which did exist were often created by the community and so were underfunded. This meant that whatever funds there were available had to go into the academic program (there were no extra-curricular activities: drama, sports etc.) We didn't even have a sports field. So as kids the opportunity to socialise and just "be kids" didn't exist.
I am academically gifted and so finished high school as one of the country's top 100 school leavers (SA has a single national high school leaving exam) and got a scholarship to study economics in Denmark. Adjusting to life in a country with a different language and culture was difficult. The roommate I had moved out of the house with his girlfriend in about the first week I was there, leaving the house to me for the rest of my degree period alone. Because I was studying in a language, not my own, I focused all my attention into my studies to graduate with a 3.5/4 GPA (converted into US). Because I didn't know how to play any sports, I was not someone who would have been recruited into a sports team. Of course, going to Denmark meant the class-mates I had in high school, who staying in SA, went about their own lives.
After graduating I went to the UK to do my MB and then got a job with JP Morgan in London. I was just not long enough in a single place to break into a social circle. I lived in 3 different cities in the UK, which meant that just as I was beginning to make new friendships my career required me to move.
I returned to South Africa and went back to grad school to earn a PhD in Finance, I wanted to complete in the minimum time (5yrs) and so focused all my attention into my studies. During this early part of my career, I had to come to terms that I was gay and deal with all the guilt, shame and psychological stress this carries.
After my PhD I went to Belgium for postdoc work. It was a very international program, we came together to work on the research assignment and then returned to our respective parts of the world. Returning to South Africa, and trying to climb the ladder to tenure saw me living in 4 different provinces in the country, with all the personal disruption this carries.
I am now running my own consulting practice and for the first time am realising just how important a good social circle is for personal support. Running my own business means long hours and wearing many different caps. But I still make time for some social activities I have joined a kayaking club as well as a gym to work on cardio strength training. Kayaking (K1) is a single man canoe and not a team sport, there are many members of the club who've never spoken with each other after years of membership. At the gym, people have limited time, they come in do their workout and want to get out quickly - the use of earphones while they workout screams "please dont interupt me".
The gay community in SA has major psychological issues to address and so I avoid bars and clubs because there aren't high-quality people there.
I'm now 44, need a social circle, and while there are many acquaintances, I have no friends (hell I'd settle for 1 good one). I don't think its an issue of poor social skills on my part. But I do think it gets harder every year (people are deeply involved in their careers and families). I'm always the one to approach someone and the responses are always the same: There is often the fear that I'm hitting on other guys by being persistant or receive vague promises to meet that never happen.
But I'm lonely. I am self-aware enough to know that lonliness is a major emotional trigger for me.
And thoughts/suggestions/insights ... please share!
Best advice I can offer you is to keep your mind busy and entertained with other items. If you happen to meet some new friends, great. But if not, at least stay busy, whether it's reading books, surfing the internet, or doing outdoor items. Good luck!
I think this has got to do more with the fact that in your 40s making friends is very difficult, wherever you're located. Men have a particularly difficult time initiating friendships as we age. The pace of life has become faster (people are really time-pressed between their jobs, family commitments etc.) in the 21st century. And, to be honest, our societies are becoming more selfish in general. Or is this a rationalisation I'm making? Call me out, if it is!
I think that you should try to legally immigrate to the US. You would be an asset, especially because you speak excellent English, your are very intelligent, well-travelled and highly educated. Not all of this country is open but there are many areas where diversity is welcomed and gays are more accepted. You might find your tribe here. How about corresponding with gays in the US? Can your company have you relocated here?
My husband and I are loners. We have a few friends but not an entire network. Our acquaintance pool, however, is very large. We like it that way. I am probably borderline autistic and my husband is friendly but reserved. We are each other’s best friends. Sometimes that is all you need.
Based on the therapy I've had, it's likely I chose solitary activities (such as grad school) as much as to avoid people as because I enjoyed them. I have a residual avoidant attachment style after having being parented in a highly dysfunctional family.
So you admit that you come from a highly dysfunctional family and that you've chosen solitary activities to avoid people. At the same time you admit you are lonely. Yet you don't think you should do therapy and seem to think getting prescribed pills is the way to fix your problems, even though it's clearly not solving your problem because you're still lonely. Hmmmm.
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