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I always seem to have an excessive amount of time on my hands, and often struggle to find new, interesting things to do. One of the bigger obstacles I keep coming across is that the rest of the world seems to always be excessively busy.
Certain co-workers of mine are always overly busy, while my workload remains very light. No matter what additional duties I take on, this imbalance remains. I see people who are so busy that they skip meetings, fail to answer emails, take work home, etc, while my days tend to drag.
Outside work, I have a relatively small social circle and certain friends are tough to get together with unless we start talking weeks in advance so I can determine when there's a break in their uber-busy lives. And even with all the planning, somebody often cancels last minute.
And because my social circle is small, I'm constantly looking for new groups/activities to fill my time. Some of the best experiences of my life have been when I was involved with groups that met on a consistent basis for various purposes. It always felt good to be part of something and have events to look forward to. That seems so much harder to find now.
In recent years, I've had to shut down two different groups I was running because people became too busy to show up. More recently, I've joined an ongoing class that had lots of promise to be fun and challenging, and once again on any given week attendance is very low because half the students are too busy doing other things. So my eagerness for each class is mixed with worry that nobody will show up and whether the class can even survive. It's exhausting.
Any time I mention that I need more people and activity in my life, I'm told to find groups to join. But how does that work when virtually everybody is too busy to commit to groups anymore? Or am I just looking in the wrong places?
People increasingly seem to believe that people with time on their hands are less-than. Underachievers. Lazy. Left behind by the more successful. But I think these sorts of driven people are often fundamentally dissatisfied with their lives, so they fill every second with activity in order NOT to face that.
Many people have never learned how to prioritize anything...not a to-do list or a schedule, not what they do or don't want, what should be more or less important, what is worth spending time on and what isn't, when to relinquish control of things they can't influence or change. So, it's ALL critical, ALL involuntary, ALL immediate and NOTHING can be done by anyone else nearly as well. Constant frenetic busyness.
Last edited by Parnassia; 04-11-2019 at 06:47 PM..
Yeah that's definitely a challenge. I know for what I do, I really value hard work and I'm a very disciplined, focused person, but I don't value "long hours of work" for myself personally, in a general sense. There are times I've had to put in crazy long days, for sure, even for weeks on end or months on end. Typically, though, doing creative pursuits, I'm all about that 3-4 hours of great quality work and that's about all I have to give per day. I can do an incredible amount in that time, and then I transition to other less-consuming activities. Some people don't have that luxury, though, especially if they're working a job that is more hours based and not results based.
I do think it can be tough to find friends with the type of free time I wish my friends had, but it shouldn't be impossible. My best friend is a police officer, he takes more OT than anyone in the entire department, including recently 140 hours in a 2 week window. But when I want to come down to visit him, the good news is he has 3-day weekends, so we'll hang out and game the entire time and just have a great time, because he still values friendship and just does OT when he has nothing else going on. He loves his job, but will make time for friends. I guess that's what I'm looking to find as well, because I also highly value my work and productivity as I really enjoy what I'm doing, but I also enjoy having close friends and spending quality time together.
I would say, unfortunately, a good, solid 80-90% of people my age aren't looking for the same thing. I am 36, so I'm in that age range where I'd rather make much younger friends or much older friends, because people my age often have kids, a job, a wife, and too many responsibilities to "hang out." I'm not interested in these boring "adult relationships" where you get together every 6 weeks for a 1 hour dinner to "catch up," then do it again in another 6 weeks. That's just not a friendship to me, I like big blocks of time with a friend, like 10-12 hours anyway, hang out from 7 p.m. until 5 a.m. gaming on a weekend, talking, having a good time. That's not realistic with a friend who has kids, for the most part, even though on principle I have absolutely nothing against making friends with people who have kids, it's just a simple math dilemma that they have more responsibilities than I do and thus can't afford to take that kind of time away from family. I totally understand, but it makes a friendship that type of person difficult on anything but a casual level.
People increasingly seem to believe that people with time on their hands are less-than. Underachievers. Lazy. Left behind by the more successful. But I think these sorts of driven people are often fundamentally dissatisfied with their lives, so they fill every second with activity in order NOT to face that.
I actually want to be more like this, but not for those reasons. I want to fill more of my life with activities because life is far more interesting when I have things to look forward to and people to do these things with. Doing things on my own gets tiresome, as does never having a good answer when people ask what my plans are.
It doesn't help that some of my closest relatives have the busiest, most fulfilling lives of anyone I know. They always have good stories to share, while I mostly just listen.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia
Many people have never learned how to prioritize anything...not a to-do list or a schedule, not what they do or don't want, what should be more or less important, what is worth spending time on and what isn't, when to relinquish control of things they can't influence or change. So, it's ALL critical, ALL involuntary, ALL immediate and NOTHING can be done by anyone else nearly as well. Constant frenetic busyness.
This part I agree with. At least one of my good friends falls into this category. He seems to have a hand in everyone else's lives as much as his own and hardly any free time to spare.
I think some of the 'busy' people are just very poor at managing their time. Skipping meetings, not replying to e-mail, etc., is irresponsibility and poor management, not just being busy - for the vast majority of cases. I have had coworkers who no matter how much time they had to do something, they would be busy every minute of it, but if you give the same task to someone who is more efficient, they would have it done in far less time and with no less quality. I find that some people belabor the process without producing a better product in the end.
As for the social events -
there is always going to be some of that - especially with people who have families. But I'd suggest that instead of shutting down the groups, or worrying about who isn't showing up, that you just keep at it. It takes a long period of fidelity for social circles to become established - there may be many times that things don't work out but you just keep trying and try to add new people now and then when possible. I have a group of work friends from over a decade ago - none of us work together anymore - but we started a group to try to get together for dinner once a month. Some months less than half of us make it and it feel like cat wrangling to set a date and place sometimes that seems like it will work for most - but we just keep at it even if sometimes it is a hassle or unsuccessful - likewise, I have a hiking group that is the same. Sometimes it doesn't work out, but sometimes it does, and sometimes it takes seeking out and adding new blood. I think you're doing the right things in general, you just need to not give up and up your tolerance for less-than-perfect attendance and people not seeming to value/prioritize the events as much as you, etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by michael917
I always seem to have an excessive amount of time on my hands, and often struggle to find new, interesting things to do. One of the bigger obstacles I keep coming across is that the rest of the world seems to always be excessively busy.
Certain co-workers of mine are always overly busy, while my workload remains very light. No matter what additional duties I take on, this imbalance remains. I see people who are so busy that they skip meetings, fail to answer emails, take work home, etc, while my days tend to drag.
Outside work, I have a relatively small social circle and certain friends are tough to get together with unless we start talking weeks in advance so I can determine when there's a break in their uber-busy lives. And even with all the planning, somebody often cancels last minute.
And because my social circle is small, I'm constantly looking for new groups/activities to fill my time. Some of the best experiences of my life have been when I was involved with groups that met on a consistent basis for various purposes. It always felt good to be part of something and have events to look forward to. That seems so much harder to find now.
In recent years, I've had to shut down two different groups I was running because people became too busy to show up. More recently, I've joined an ongoing class that had lots of promise to be fun and challenging, and once again on any given week attendance is very low because half the students are too busy doing other things. So my eagerness for each class is mixed with worry that nobody will show up and whether the class can even survive. It's exhausting.
Any time I mention that I need more people and activity in my life, I'm told to find groups to join. But how does that work when virtually everybody is too busy to commit to groups anymore? Or am I just looking in the wrong places?
I always seem to have an excessive amount of time on my hands, and often struggle to find new, interesting things to do. One of the bigger obstacles I keep coming across is that the rest of the world seems to always be excessively busy.
Certain co-workers of mine are always overly busy, while my workload remains very light. No matter what additional duties I take on, this imbalance remains. I see people who are so busy that they skip meetings, fail to answer emails, take work home, etc, while my days tend to drag.
Outside work, I have a relatively small social circle and certain friends are tough to get together with unless we start talking weeks in advance so I can determine when there's a break in their uber-busy lives. And even with all the planning, somebody often cancels last minute.
And because my social circle is small, I'm constantly looking for new groups/activities to fill my time. Some of the best experiences of my life have been when I was involved with groups that met on a consistent basis for various purposes. It always felt good to be part of something and have events to look forward to. That seems so much harder to find now.
In recent years, I've had to shut down two different groups I was running because people became too busy to show up. More recently, I've joined an ongoing class that had lots of promise to be fun and challenging, and once again on any given week attendance is very low because half the students are too busy doing other things. So my eagerness for each class is mixed with worry that nobody will show up and whether the class can even survive. It's exhausting.
Any time I mention that I need more people and activity in my life, I'm told to find groups to join. But how does that work when virtually everybody is too busy to commit to groups anymore? Or am I just looking in the wrong places?
People busy themselves with things they want to do. They prioritize it and make time for it. The things they're busy doing are things they would rather be doing, no matter what lip service they pay otherwise. If they wanted to spend time with you, they would make it happen. They don't. I know it feels crushing at first... but it's more crushing to feel abandoned and worthless, over and over. Find people who WANT your company... it might not be many but your interactions will be of good quality and come easily. We no longer ask people over and over, to meet up or come over. Our kids are learning this too. Honestly, it seems to have increased our value among people we enjoy spending time with and pretty much cut out all those we didn't enjoy spending time with. There's no good in forcing any relationship, whether with friends or with relatives.
And YES, we are ALWAYS busy to people we don't like much. I say we're busy but not with what... and usually, it's just "we're busy/not available that day. Have a good time though!" There's no need to lie or apologize and say "maybe some other time" if you don't want there to be another time. They'll "get it" eventually.
Your co-workers might be playing the work game "well." By saying and acting like they're busy, they're likely to not have any more work put on them. This grates on my nerves as well. By working harder, I tended to get more and more put onto me and with less appreciation than ever, because I made it look easy. The only way out of it is to find a new employer and then don't be so eager to please. Don't finish quickly and efficiently and don't be so accommodating. It's VERY hard to do but you need to understand that these idiots don't value work ethic, only what behavior they SEE. They will think your work is easy if they see you handling it easily. They will think your work is hard if they see you handling it like hard work.
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