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Sure, this is true of anyone - things could always be worse. So?
Perspective can be very beneficial when it comes to accepting what you can't change. Things don't seem quite so bad when you remember that it could be much, much worse. It helps you remember to appreciate what you do have, or at least what the future may hold. The OP asked "how to accept losing eight years of my life" not "how do I change my current situation" (although he's gotten good advice on both). Do YOU have anything beneficial to add, or are you just going to criticize other people's responses?
A lot of people, maybe even most people spend their 20's in school, in a bunch of relationships, in a bunch of jobs just trying to figure out what they want to do. I know it FEELS like a huge waste and that your "best years" are behind you, but believe me, when you're 60 you will NOT feel this way! You'll be really glad that you kept trying and working out your life as best you could. You're almost out of this financial burden - so be sure you use that to kickstart your "next stage". Figure out where you want to go and start looking at the job situation, for example. You're not too old to do anything you want to do!
I flew back and forth to Atlanta twice in 2016. Was sure an offer was coming. It didn't. The house I'm buying backs up to a small lake/pond and a bunch of trees. Makes me feel like I'm not in Oklahoma. That should help. I'm also buying way less than what I can afford just in case I do get that job offer back east. The house would sell fast.
Sorry to hear that didn't work out. If I was going to live in OKC it MUST be a neighborhood with trees and sidewalks, which is actually very hard to find here. But that's a good idea buying less than you can afford. The real estate market is humming along nicely here right now so you might be able to make a bit should you sell it in a few years.
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Originally Posted by Atlguy39
I also think your 2 million or higher number is a good criteria. You'll have more entertainment options and diverse people. I'm conservative, but the politics here drive me crazy too. I just loved Denver when I visited last year. I was ready to move there right then and there! If you are here another year, try to take some weekends and visit different cities you think you'd like.
I agree. I was in Denver last month and felt the same way about it. I just kind of resonated with it. It really felt like the total opposite of OKC, in almost every way. I'm going to visit the DC area in June.
At this point though, I'd even take somewhere like Dallas over OKC. If I was to get laid off that might actually be a fairly easy move as its close enough I could fake being a local candidate. It's not my first choice being that Texas is still conservative and that area of the state lacks natural amenities, but the city itself would be a million times better than OKC and I'd likely find it much easier to meet people. Plus, OKC is toxic to me for reasons other than what it's lacking as a city and in Dallas, I'd be away from that.
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Originally Posted by Sassybluesy
First of all, you are NOT the only person to have "burned through a chunk of their lives." It happens all the damn time. Believe me. I hear you, by the way...but emotionally, you need to move on. If you learned a lesson, then it wasn't a total waste.
People who persue a degree in a field they hate sometimes feel like they wasted a chunk of their lives. People who had children too young might feel like they burned through a chunk of their lives. People who stay in bad relationships, or pined over someone for far too long might feel like they burned through a chunk of their lives. Point is...it's part of the human condition.
Thanks for this perspective. I think a big reason I get so down about it is that I knew what I was getting myself into before I did it. It's no surprise to me that things have turned out exactly as I feared they could have.
All the decisions that got me here are decisions that I did to appease a narcissistic family that couldn't accept that my own vision for what I wanted my adult life to be didn't match up with theirs. My best friend, whom I abruptly stopped talking to back in 2010 when I "left the homosexual lifestyle" told me how betrayed he felt by what I was doing. He warned me not to do it and to get therapy instead. I didn't listen.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy
Second of all...I don't understand why you have to stay in Oklahoma City to pay your car off. Is it because you need to save money for a move, and you won't have money until your loan is paid off?
Both. I'm barely making ends meet because of this car payment and its been that way since 2014. The issue is that I cannot have a lapse in employment and also could not take a temporary job that pays less (if necessary) to ease the transition because then I wouldn't be able to afford my car. On the other hand, finding a job in another city while living in OKC is next to impossible. So it's a catch-22. I'll have more to work with once I get myself out from under the car loan and can consider taking a risk.
Now I'm 33 and feel like an 18 year old desperate to get away from his home town and start his own life. Yet, at my age, I should be well past this. I've lost almost a decade of my life. I look back at where I was in 2009 and I only wish that I could get back to where I was then. My current life that I'm living now, trapped in Oklahoma, depressed, single, lonely, and burning through life was my worst fear back then. It has become my reality.
I've got one more year to pay on the car and then I can finally be through of this. But seriously, these mistakes have cost me what should have been the best years of my life and this is a hard pill to swallow.
There is a LOT of life left and the best years of life aren't the ones you have went through. In fact, many indicators SOAR at about 25 (suicide rates, depression, etc).......
If I had to throw some ideas out there.....
1. GET AWAY...quick. Do not stay around to pay off loans if there is any way around it.
2. Seek a place/time/situation where you can truly think....it likely won't be where you are now. But you need to clear your head and "meditate"...only when one is removed from the situation can they put stuff in perspective.
3. Don't do anything for anyone.....else! While true happiness IS doing stuff for others, until #1 is taken care of you should focus on that.
It's an interesting situation for this reason. Some people think "home and family" are the best traditions. But others, such as myself, have learned that you MUST leave behind the ways of your family (even most good families, let alone fundamentalists, etc.)....in order to flower.
Seek Pleasure.....happiness, contentment, nature, good food and stuff like that. Don't throw yourself too hard on the mercies of other people...take it bit by bit. Ideally you can put yourself in the drivers seat.....somewhere and somehow. Don't go from the frying pan into the fire or from the fire into the hot pan.
Write stuff down. In the end life is largely a chart....a series of binary decisions.
When I was a young hippie my GF's parents and my parents took us out to dinner and looked at me and said "he's not good enough for her"....and they asked me "what do you want to do with your life?".
I said - at 17 years old - that "I want to live on Farm with a bunch of people". Guess what? We ended up living for years on a Farm with a bunch of people! Meanwhile, we did better in most every way than her parents (who were lower middle class).....
You need to set those basic goals - they must be attainable or have backup plans. "I want to.....".....
If it's a matter of money, learn a trade. Depending on where you move, $25 to $50 an hour is easy for even moderate skills in most trades.
Obviously there are an infinite number of choices available...that is what is great about life, but it is also more difficult than having a path set out for you.
Don't ever have regrets. It doesn't accomplish anything. The years you are talking about are a learning experience. You learned what NOT to do......now, don't make the same mistakes again and definitely don't cry over the milk already spilled.
Sorry to hear that didn't work out. If I was going to live in OKC it MUST be a neighborhood with trees and sidewalks, which is actually very hard to find here. But that's a good idea buying less than you can afford. The real estate market is humming along nicely here right now so you might be able to make a bit should you sell it in a few years.
Both. I'm barely making ends meet because of this car payment and its been that way since 2014. The issue is that I cannot have a lapse in employment and also could not take a temporary job that pays less (if necessary) to ease the transition because then I wouldn't be able to afford my car. On the other hand, finding a job in another city while living in OKC is next to impossible. So it's a catch-22. I'll have more to work with once I get myself out from under the car loan and can consider taking a risk.
Give the car back to the repo man if needed. Move somewhere where you don't need a car right away.
Sorry to hear that didn't work out. If I was going to live in OKC it MUST be a neighborhood with trees and sidewalks, which is actually very hard to find here. But that's a good idea buying less than you can afford. The real estate market is humming along nicely here right now so you might be able to make a bit should you sell it in a few years.
I agree. I was in Denver last month and felt the same way about it. I just kind of resonated with it. It really felt like the total opposite of OKC, in almost every way. I'm going to visit the DC area in June.
At this point though, I'd even take somewhere like Dallas over OKC. If I was to get laid off that might actually be a fairly easy move as its close enough I could fake being a local candidate. It's not my first choice being that Texas is still conservative and that area of the state lacks natural amenities, but the city itself would be a million times better than OKC and I'd likely find it much easier to meet people. Plus, OKC is toxic to me for reasons other than what it's lacking as a city and in Dallas, I'd be away from that.
Thanks for this perspective. I think a big reason I get so down about it is that I knew what I was getting myself into before I did it. It's no surprise to me that things have turned out exactly as I feared they could have.
All the decisions that got me here are decisions that I did to appease a narcissistic family that couldn't accept that my own vision for what I wanted my adult life to be didn't match up with theirs. My best friend, whom I abruptly stopped talking to back in 2010 when I "left the homosexual lifestyle" told me how betrayed he felt by what I was doing. He warned me not to do it and to get therapy instead. I didn't listen.
Both. I'm barely making ends meet because of this car payment and its been that way since 2014. The issue is that I cannot have a lapse in employment and also could not take a temporary job that pays less (if necessary) to ease the transition because then I wouldn't be able to afford my car. On the other hand, finding a job in another city while living in OKC is next to impossible. So it's a catch-22. I'll have more to work with once I get myself out from under the car loan and can consider taking a risk.
Come to Houston. Nice, welcoming city with lot of opportunities. What kind of job do you have?
Well yes, some people have it worse. If it helps you with perspective. Some people have the disease known as AIDs. Or other serious illnesses, for which there is no real cure. Be grateful if you have good health. I knew a few young men that I grew up with who died from AIDs.
I'm currently 33M and have been in a deep rut for almost seven years now. It started when I moved back to my hometown of Oklahoma City in 2012 because of pressure from my fundamentalist Christian family. Then in 2013-14 I did ex-gay conversion therapy. Also in 2014, I was suckered into buying a car that I couldn't afford on a seven year loan. The sad thing is, the car was an impulse buy and wasn't something I really thought through. I've made a lot of dumb decisions over the course of my life but I think that one takes the cake.
However, once the dotted line was signed I either had to wait it out or default. There was a time when I legitimately considered letting it be repoed just to be rid of it. Instead, I did the responsible thing and have worked for years to get it paid off. It hasn't been without a cost though that is much bigger than financial. The car purchase has been a noose around my neck ever since 2014 and has basically trapped me in my current situation. It's now 2019 and I'm still burning through what I feel like should be the best years of my life, trapped in a small conservative town that I hate with a passion, trying to pay off a car I didn't even want. I have one more year to pay on the car before it's finally paid off and then I can move on. I've come to terms with my sexuality but I've realized that I can never be happy in a place like Oklahoma City. However, I MUST get the car paid off before I can move.
Bottom line is I made so many bad decisions that have led me to this point in my life and there's no easy way forward. This is all my own fault. Nobody forced me to move back to Oklahoma. Nobody forced me to sign the dotted line to buy this stupid car. Nobody forced me to conversion therapy at age 27...I could have stood up to my family and said I am who I am and that I'm not doing that. But, I didn't. I moved back to Oklahoma. I did conversion therapy. I bought the stupid car against my best judgment.
Now I'm 33 and feel like an 18 year old desperate to get away from his home town and start his own life. Yet, at my age, I should be well past this. I've lost almost a decade of my life. I look back at where I was in 2009 and I only wish that I could get back to where I was then. My current life that I'm living now, trapped in Oklahoma, depressed, single, lonely, and burning through life was my worst fear back then. It has become my reality.
I've got one more year to pay on the car and then I can finally be through of this. But seriously, these mistakes have cost me what should have been the best years of my life and this is a hard pill to swallow.
Did you post this awhile back? It seems so familiar. If it wasn't you there is another poster who has gone through the same thing.
Give the car back to the repo man if needed. Move somewhere where you don't need a car right away.
Don't waste more time......
That is possibly the worst advice I've ever read on this forum.
Give a nearly paid off car that's worth way more than is owed to the repo man... you've got to be kidding.
Hell, I'll buy it from you right now, cash money if you want to just exit.
You can keep your good credit... I'll flip that sucker and cha-ching!
Ask yourself this... is it a good car? Is it reliable?
If it is, just stick it out until it's paid off. You'll need something to drive to your new home.
Or you could sell it for what it's worth and get a cheap car. Leave yourself some cash to use in your new place.
Circle the payoff date on the calendar and look forward to it, because that's the day you leave OKC.
In the meantime, get everything lined up and ready to go where you want to be.
That day will be here before you know it.
You are so close... don't snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
Last edited by eaton53; 04-23-2019 at 08:43 AM..
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