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I can understand the concern. Growing up I saw far too many unhappily married couples that just lived in mutual misery -- it put me off marriage. But many couples these days just dwell together, sometimes taking out a cohabitation agreement.
I'm very independent and kind of a loner, and spent a lot of my life single, and the thought of getting married scares me. I am so scared of going through a divorce or feeling stuck in an unhappy marriage. I can't imagine things changing and then having to come home every day to a bad situation. I love having my own space and independence. Here are the reasons marriage scares me.
1. I'm afraid something will change. She will change, I will change, kids will change things, and it will fall apart for reasons outside our control. Then I would either be unhappy, or just happy enough to stay in it, but without my freedom and having to face the person everyday.
2. I will get a lot of hate for this, but I also fear physical attraction will go away. She will get older and put on more weight, and I would lose attraction. Then what? Although its not like I will be able to date girls in their 20's and 30's forever and everyone ages. But its still a fear of mine.
Can anyone relate?
May I ask what your family background is? I’m betting that your upbringing has caused you to be fearful.
I came from a family with 2 parents who stayed married and set an example of the way things should be. Never a divorce in our family, until me. I walked right in to the marriage and children thing, without fear or worry. My first marriage ended in divorce (not my idea) and I blithely married again.
My point is that one’s optimism or pessimism is probably built into our childhoods. If you look for trouble, op, you will certainly find it. If you go into a marriage with a willingness to roll with the punches, you’ll be fine.
No, of course not - but the likelihood of him achieving a ‘rich and rewarding relationship’ with ‘fear’ as his foundational mindset is small - as is the mindset, for that matter.
I agree completely. OP has deeper issues than just the fear of marriage. He should be rethinking about even being in a relationship at all. Let alone getting married. Most of what OP wrote he fears in a relationship are not fears at all. They are almost certain.
People change as they mature. Kids change things in countless ways. Looks can change or fade with age. If you can't accept most of those things he lists as fears and a tad more, from your partner. You have no business in a long term relationship. Much less a marriage.
May I ask what your family background is? I’m betting that your upbringing has caused you to be fearful.
I came from a family with 2 parents who stayed married and set an example of the way things should be. Never a divorce in our family, until me. I walked right in to the marriage and children thing, without fear or worry. My first marriage ended in divorce (not my idea) and I blithely married again.
My point is that one’s optimism or pessimism is probably built into our childhoods. If you look for trouble, op, you will certainly find it. If you go into a marriage with a willingness to roll with the punches, you’ll be fine.
Before I get off this thread for good, just had to add this. No way can someone state that you will be fine if you "roll with the punches". Just read the countless number of threads right here in this forum. Start with the 25+ page "Do you hate who you are married to thread". Then search on from there. A whole lot of people taking a beating rather than rolling with it.
As far as parental examples my folks are in their 90's and still in a loving marriage together. God Bless.
However what it taught me is what they have is so so rare that Sasquatch is trying to take a picture or video of them. That's how rare they are. I'm not saying I won't strive for the same with my partner. I hope I make that level with her too. I still don't think it takes involving the state in my love life to get to that point.
Everything changes over time. People's physical appearances, their thoughts, beliefs, behavior, and values, which get shaped by life's experiences.
A person you connect with on multiple levels, not just physical attraction alone, is a person you're more likely to grow together with, versus grow apart.
Before I get off this thread for good, just had to add this. No way can someone state that you will be fine if you "roll with the punches". Just read the countless number of threads right here in this forum. Start with the 25+ page "Do you hate who you are married to thread". Then search on from there. A whole lot of people taking a beating rather than rolling with it.
This is self-selecting, though.
Who is going to be the primary responders on a thread titled, "Do you hate who you are married to?"
Right out of the gate, it's a loaded question, which skews results. Neutral wording, such as, "Has your relationship changed over time and if so, how?" would yield more useful, and less skewed, info
I agree completely. OP has deeper issues than just the fear of marriage. He should be rethinking about even being in a relationship at all. Let alone getting married. Most of what OP wrote he fears in a relationship are not fears at all. They are almost certain.
People change as they mature. Kids change things in countless ways. Looks can change or fade with age. If you can't accept most of those things he lists as fears and a tad more, from your partner. You have no business in a long term relationship. Much less a marriage.
My comment #40 was in response to your quoted statement he should be able to pursue a ‘rich and rewarding’ relationship without marriage. He could - but my point was it isn’t likely he would be successful because of the fearful/negative mindset. Relationships can (and do) change - but it can be positive change as well (as people begin to accumulate shared memories and know each other better). Relationships take effort to succeed - most know you get out of it what you put in (on both sides). Fear and dooms-day expectations aren’t going to cut it if one wants a successful relationship.
If one doesn’t want a relationship or marriage, then don’t have one (but why be fearful then, just make the choice).
Last edited by CorporateCowboy; 06-11-2019 at 07:10 PM..
If you find the right one, you will most likely lose your fear and want to stand at the alter with a huge smile on your face as you watch your bride walk up the aisle.
We are all afraid of the future, but don't let fear hold you back from what can/might/will be a beautiful thing.
Marriage isn't for everyone, that's for sure. The best marriages are with people who know themselves, and their partner. People can change, and if they do, it's important to know who they are afterwards as well.
Example... I was the last to get married among my friends. Got married when I was 36, when all my friends were getting married out of college or still in their 20's. But I knew that wasn't for me. I wasn't ready to settle down and I knew that implicitly. If I had gotten married early, I would have cheated. I didn't settle down enough to be ready for marriage until I got married.
I also married someone almost a decade younger than me. I've always kept myself in good shape, and I'd also seen my friends and wives let themselves go. My wife is still very attractive after almost 10 years of marriage, and still in her 30's. That's pretty superficial though. The day will come when you are married or not and you'll look in the mirror and wonder who's that old man staring back at you. It happens to all of us. But marriage is about shared experiences. Even after looks fade, you'll have a lifetime of experiences tying you to that person. Maybe children, etc.
All the while... be aware of who you are. If you or your partner have changed, it's something you both need to reconcile, rather than be in a marriage that is not fulfilling to one or both of you.
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