How do you show your anger? (weight, adult, feelings, husband)
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My parents got along well, but any fighting tended to consist of not talking and giving the cold shoulder until they thawed out. As a young child, I didn’t understand what was going on, just that something was wrong. As I got older, I learned to really dislike that approach and it affected how I manage anger. The fact that I had bright red hair as a child and was expected to have a temper played into it also.
I actually prefer people that get angry and yell, I know where I stand with them. I worked with two different doctors. One doctor was tall, intimidating with a temper and he shouted down meek people who let him. He didn’t faze me, I understood when he was angry. The other doctor was short, mild- mannered and it took me three months to realize when he was tightening his lips he was very angry. Very. That went totally over my head and although I learned to read him, I wished he would just speak his mind.
I’m quick to anger, quick to cool down and there is no question about whether I am angry or not. I have no problem raising my voice and being quite harsh and to the point. DH is slow to anger and rarely shows it. I know he’s angry when he goes quiet and keeps himself busy with a project while he works through the anger. Different styles have us becoming angry at different times and with quite different triggers, which works well for us… most of the time.
My parents fought a lot. I eventually came to see it as pretty childish behavior, as I eventually came to see them as very childish people. My Dad would also drink and had an explosive temper.
I had childhood bullies who wanted more than anything to break my composure and upset me. They were so happy, laughing at me, if I was angry or hurt and showed it. It felt so violating. I learned to not show my feelings, to keep cool and logical.
I still feel it. But I rarely show it.
I've had a lot of other experiences since then that have reinforced that self control is power, and most of the time, I feel helpless and vulnerable if I've let someone make me express anger or disturbance of my composure. A straight face and cutting deadpan snark is more my style. You cannot hurt or upset me if I don't care.
But I've realized, that I told my present (second) husband all of this. That I am not much for displays of emotion, especially anger. And yet, since those conversations though, I have gone off on rants about external situations, usually involving my 19 year old son, to him. And I'm realizing as I type this that it is a real sign of who I feel safe being genuine with. Those who I trust not to weaponize my emotions or to take pleasure in seeing me truly upset. People I am OK being vulnerable with. I can count them on one hand, not just now but across the span of my whole lifetime.
I was once discussing a stressful situation with my Stepmom where I was not sure I'd be able to navigate a complex medical insurance situation in the way I needed to, but it involved a family member who was distressingly ill, and I was just...talking about it. She said, "Of course they will cooperate with you, you're SO intellectual. You're so calm. Anyone else would be screaming and crying." It actually hurts when she says stuff like that, and she has before in other situations. Like, "We all know you don't have feelings, and it doesn't matter how I've ever treated you or how anyone has, because you're like a robot, not a person."
I think she believes she is complimenting me. I try to take it that way, at least outwardly. But I don't much care for it. Just because I don't throw a fit like a toddler doesn't mean I have no feelings.
LOL. Now that's some productive channeling! What a good way to defuse.
I have a friend like you. Her husband has a name for her when she gets in this mode: "Uh oh, Lupe' is here. Look out." Then he makes himself scarce. But the place gets really clean!
I learned very early in life it does little to no good to show anger toward a person or get into a major argument over something. Grew up with a snarky sulky sibling who picks fights over minutiae. It hardly ever has a good outcome and causes a lot of misery so I learned to avoid conflict. Its rare, but if I do get angry with someone I tend to get icily calm, stern, and overly logical.
It's a reference to a single person not a whole race. You're probably not old enough to remember film star Lupe Velez, the Mexican Spitfire.
She once publicly threatened to slit Norma Shearer's throat.
Even today some people like to brand themselves as someone not to be messed with or else.
Just a little info behind your modern misapprehension.
When I was young I acted out my anger just as I had seen done at home. Two choices - yell or hide.
Neither seemed to make me feel better. Yelling just made me more angry and hiding meant that I never said what was upsetting me. Neither is fair to the people I care about and need to communicate with.
In my thirties I learned about assertive communication and have been working on practicing it since. I have varying degrees of success. It's dependent on not speaking until I have my anger managed so my brain can kick into gear - intellect over emotion.
First of all, when I'm angry usually what I'm really feeling is deep hurt or fear. I have to get in touch with that. The method that has worked well for me is to get all the rage down on paper, let it sit overnight and then come back when I'm more clear about what I need and how to say it so that people can "hear" me and understand without feeling attacked.
When I'm angry what I want is to lash out but what I need is to be heard and understood.
We all "lose it" from time to time (well, most of us!).
When you are about to blow your top, what do you DO to let off some steam?
Count to 10, throw things, yell, walk away, slam the door?
I've gotten short-tempered in my old age and am not proud of my short fuse.
We have hand-made, solid hardwood doors and once I found out how satisfying it was to slam them, I do that. Terrible, I know.
I try to limit yelling 'cause we're in a condo. I've thrown stuff too, but not at anyone. Nothing dangerous or valuable---
The worst is that I'll strike my own forehead with my open palm over and over, out of frustration.
Are you all calm and collected, or do you let it rip sometimes?
I yell. I hate that I do it, but it's like an immediate reaction. My mother and my maternal grandfather were both yellers, too. I don't stay mad for long though, it's like a summer thunderstorm, then it's over. My honey throws things sometimes or slams doors. His shaver broke when he was getting ready for work recently so he threw it against the wall. Then he had to patch a hole in the bathroom wall, lol.
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