How do you show your anger? (mom, parent, father, emotion)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It's a reference to a single person not a whole race. You're probably not old enough to remember film star Lupe Velez, the Mexican Spitfire.
She once publicly threatened to slit Norma Shearer's throat.
Even today some people like to brand themselves as someone not to be messed with or else.
Just a little info behind your modern misapprehension.
When I was young I acted out my anger just as I had seen done at home. Two choices - yell or hide.
Neither seemed to make me feel better. Yelling just made me more angry and hiding meant that I never said what was upsetting me. Neither is fair to the people I care about and need to communicate with.
In my thirties I learned about assertive communication and have been working on practicing it since. I have varying degrees of success. It's dependent on not speaking until I have my anger managed so my brain can kick into gear - intellect over emotion.
First of all, when I'm angry usually what I'm really feeling is deep hurt or fear. I have to get in touch with that. The method that has worked well for me is to get all the rage down on paper, let it sit overnight and then come back when I'm more clear about what I need and how to say it so that people can "hear" me and understand without feeling attacked.
When I'm angry what I want is to lash out but what I need is to be heard and understood.
I tried that writing stuff down, and it IS cathartic! I just let 'er rip on paper, then let it sit and simmer. Maybe I'll look it later, maybe I won't.
Once I ripped a bunch of plants out, then was very sorry about it later. Not very productive.
It's called 'she is having a moment'.
Basically in the throes of an anger episode.
Blood pressure way up! Curse like a sailor then.....smack /slam my hands down.
Then Poof! It's gone.
And I am out of that brief 'moment' of irrational in behavior.
My son once got this look on his face...(fear?). And I have to say... I saw my behavior thru his eyes....
I've since do the ' this anger is not about You'. It's about xyz'. Then when I hear myself say it. I usually go, well that was a dumb thing to be mad about!
My problem with others expressing anger is: it has been tightly correlated with physical abuse. That is my internal dialogue when I see another angered. So I avoid them like the plague. You can't reason a person out of anger. Maybe that's why mine is brief... It just is a moment of irrateness.
Once I ripped a bunch of plants out, then was very sorry about it later. Not very productive.
Ooh. I get that. Cut off my nose to spite my face. Or the guy who kicks the dawg.
When I was in my twenties I threw breakables and the glass breaking was like total relief. I actually considered going to garage sales and buying cheap glassware to keep in the basement. Poor girl. No clue.
I think about that now and realize what a serious anger management problem I had and how little I even understood about how to resolve it. It was just wash, rinse and repeat without ever recognizing the true source of the anger or what to do about it so that I didn't find myself having to periodically relieve it without resolution.
Now and then we all run into someone with that pattern. We say "the wrong thing" and they explode totally out of proportion to the issue. You know? Stuffers.
They go through life picking up little angers like crumpled pieces of paper on the ground and stuffing them into their anger bag. One day the anger bag is as full as it can get and the next someone who wanders by who triggers their anger gets the whole bag dumped on their head.
The image is humorous but the implication is actually dangerous. They "deal" with their anger but they never resolve it.
I find it astounding how little training most of us are ever given in how to deal with emotions effectively since they are such a large part of how satisfied we are with our lives.
I generally just walk away to cool down. I'm not a confrontational person at all, but don't want to be around a situation that made me angry. Even if I became angry due to bad news via, say, email, I will try to take a walk to cool/calm down. I especially hate responding to a situation out of anger.
Ooh. I get that. Cut off my nose to spite my face. Or the guy who kicks the dawg.
When I was in my twenties I threw breakables and the glass breaking was like total relief. I actually considered going to garage sales and buying cheap glassware to keep in the basement. Poor girl. No clue.
I think about that now and realize what a serious anger management problem I had and how little I even understood about how to resolve it. It was just wash, rinse and repeat without ever recognizing the true source of the anger or what to do about it so that I didn't find myself having to periodically relieve it without resolution.
Now and then we all run into someone with that pattern. We say "the wrong thing" and they explode totally out of proportion to the issue. You know? Stuffers.
They go through life picking up little angers like crumpled pieces of paper on the ground and stuffing them into their anger bag. One day the anger bag is as full as it can get and the next someone who wanders by who triggers their anger gets the whole bag dumped on their head.
The image is humorous but the implication is actually dangerous. They "deal" with their anger but they never resolve it.
I find it astounding how little training most of us are ever given in how to deal with emotions effectively since they are such a large part of how satisfied we are with our lives.
The conundrum I have had, is that displaying temper in a destructive way... whether it is raging about, yelling, throwing things...any kind of big display, I don't find it cathartic and it doesn't resolve anything or make me feel better. Neither does crying, people say you need to cry sometimes to "let out" grief or sorrow, like if you don't blow up, the pressure will build until you do, and it should be a big relief to do these things. But I've never felt relief. Big displays of these kinds have only ever made me feel sick, like I get a headache, or in the case of crying, a runny nose, and I feel shaky, possibly humiliated, powerless and miserable.
I have NEVER felt better for losing my cool. Never.
But there is another problem that has begun to dawn on me about this.
I have to be really careful with who I get close to in life. Because if they are the kind of person who does find it normal and acceptable to blow up, and they are with me, I am more likely to be mistreated. Some people will not hear a complaint or a problem unless it is SHOUTED IN THEIR FACES to the accompaniment of dishes breaking on the wall by their heads apparently. Someone like me, I might have told my ex a hundred times how unhappy I was and how this and that was a problem, and yet he felt "blindsided" when I broke up with him. I guess because I said it in a calm voice, it did not count and was easy to ignore?
Like maybe some people need you to yell, or they just don't think you're serious or actually upset?
But the man I am married to now, is conflict avoidant like I am, does not like big loud shouty displays either, and if I merely say that I feel angry about something, he believes me even if I'm not slamming doors or throwing anything. Neither of us wants to be around that, neither of us DOES that.
I don't know the whole of what he was around as a kid, but I can tell you in my own case, that I was traumatized enough by out of control adults that loud or aggressive behavior feels like a very serious threat to my life if it's in my home. I can not deal with it and won't tolerate it as part of my normal in my household at all, ever since I left my ex husband...and when he would blow up, I remember how it felt. Constant knots of pain in my stomach. A deep wrinkle between my brows that has since vanished. My body was constantly flooded with stress.
I think some people need to be able to explode, but we need to be more careful with who we partner with, because no one should be making their partner feel that way, nor do I think they want to. It is a matter of compatibility that maybe we should give more weight to, how people handle strong feelings like anger.
I think you're right, Sonic, that some people have been conditioned to not hear anger unless it's blasted in their face. Or they're just plain stubborn.
I can't remember the last time I got mad at a specific person that wasn't just me being jealous of them, or being peeved at them beating me in an argument. Even when someone blows me off after we made plans, or does something to indicate they don't really value me that much, that just makes me anxious about myself more than anything else, like how I could've misjudged my standing in the group so badly. I don't think I've ever really gotten mad at someone for making an honest mistake, even one that cost me a lot of money or time.
I guess in the former situations, I tend to just leave, because nothing that would happen in an interaction right then with the other person would be likely to make me feel better.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Not very productive.
