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In my opinion people get weird if they stay single for a long time. They start talking to themselves. They have to have everything a certain way. If you have children or a long term partner in the house, you are way more flexible because things are always changing and you have to adapt and go with the flow. If you are completely on your own, you get too set in your ways and they may be weird
And I notice that on myself. If I am single for too long, I have less patience dealing with others, I have my own rituals, my own thing going and don't want it changed. That's one of the reasons I try to not live alone for too long. I start to become too comfortable in my own world. Everything needs to be a certain way and then when I have a new bf, it is so much harder to adapt.
Everyone I know who is older and was never in a long relationship has turned weird. My roomie puts rotten veggies/fruits in the freezer. Heats up soap water in a pot for doing dishes. Just weird stuff.
I was raised by a family of Italians who talked to themselves so that aspect is just a part of who I am.
I could care less if someone thinks I am weird because I talk to myself. I also would not worry about being single. As for not being alone for too long because it affects how you deal with others; well, all I can say is
I would rather be alone than in bad company. Being a single female living alone in your own house that you are in the process of owning not having to rely or deal with a some guy is very liberating to me.
I enjoy my freedom and independence. I was married for 26 years, no kids. I also am a widow after a steamy 5 years relationship long distance. JMHO
I've had the experience in recent years of reconnecting with old friends and finding that they've gotten very much more anxious or nervous or scared or fussy than they used to be. They've developed what seems to me to be excess anxiety (that exceeds what's warranted by actual reality) around flying or mold or COVID or the telephone or certain foods or smells. I understand people have different sensitivities to all these things and different reasons for more and more vigilance and so forth, but these are people who weren't anything like that when I knew them in their 20s and 30s and 40s. It seems harder and harder to just enjoy a laid back, chill time with some of them and I miss that. I can be ultra patient and accommodating and always make the effort to be so, but, geesh, does it get to feel tedious. I think these times of COVID and climate change and political conspiracy theories and the internet where you can find confirmation for any fear that might possess you are changing people's personality or their way-of-being in this life. I'm just getting weary of it all. Just cancelled a long planned visit to an old friend who invited me but then at the eleventh hour had all these conditions around my visit. Honestly I feel relieved not to have to go. And it's fine. I wasn't hugely motivated. I was doing it because she's reluctant to travel herself for reasons that are not entirely clear and are her business after all. Now she seems hurt or disappointed or something, but I just don't want to spend the travel hours and spend all the money and make all the accommodations that were going to be needed to hang out in her anxiety bubble.
I wish she was an isolated case but she's not. Another friend even said to me a few years ago (pre-COVID), "I have just gotten weird." And she was right, she was so much weirder than ever before, more anxious.
Is it getting older and all the transitions that come with that? Is it all the isolation people have experienced in the last few years? Is it the internet? Or maybe these friends were latent weirdos all along and they are just now emerging into their true selves... like pod people.
Covid has messed with a lot of people's minds. Its not just the fear of the disease, but the isolation. Suicides are up dramatically. So is depression. It will take a while to recover from the negative side effects of the lockdowns.
But I get what you're saying, and I've got to say...it isn't just your friends or older people and it's not normal for people to get all anxious like this as part of aging. A lot of people, all sorts of people, have been more isolated, pushed this way and that way by media and had our lives changed in the last few years. A lot of young people have intense insecurity and anxiety about all sorts of things, too.
In addition, Covid aside, the world has been changing very quickly in a lot of ways, and not good ones. The environment and climate are going to hell. The economy is going to hell. Society is going to hell (this partly fueled by Covid as we're discovering just how unstable the psyche of many/most people is, at least in some societies). Technology is moving at a pace faster than anyone can keep up with, including security or protection of privacy. Any one of those alone could have huge repercussions (or maybe I've just read too many future-dystopia novels in my life that tend to start off with something like those things), let alone put them all together. Yeah, I can see why people are apprehensive. I myself have no idea how to predict what the world may be like in 10, 30, 50+ years, and it's a bit unnerving (or, maybe I'm just getting weird).
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Originally Posted by Jessie Mitchell
LOL! I didn't think of that, but totally see how the thread title could be read that way! Yes, I think that kind of 'getting old and getting weird' is a totally refreshing idea!
It's partly what I thought it might be about, too, although my other thought was that yeah, people seem to become... I don't know, more entrenched in their existing personality quirks, perhaps, as they age? Does it just build up through the years? That is, I can think of people who are getting 'weirder" in X way (paranoia, or introversion, or conservative-ness, or whatever), but maybe they've always been slightly like that and it was just more manageable/acceptable in their younger years?
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Originally Posted by oh-eve
In my opinion people get weird if they stay single for a long time. They start talking to themselves. They have to have everything a certain way. If you have children or a long term partner in the house, you are way more flexible because things are always changing and you have to adapt and go with the flow. If you are completely on your own, you get too set in your ways and they may be weird
Yeah, that can be true, too. I'm not sure how I feel that translates to weirdnesses in other ways, but definitely a person can get used to being single and having things "their" way, not having to answer to or compromise with anyone else, etc. I have a friend who's been chronically single and is now in his late 40s... several years ago he came to visit and stayed with me for a few days, and drove me somewhat nuts because it was very clear he was not used to having to consider another person. Nothing egregious, but just small things he didn't think of, be it messes or not letting me know when he'd be back from somewhere (IIRC I had only one key for my apartment so I'd go to work and leave it for him but if he went out for the day, if he wasn't back by the time I got home, I couldn't get in) or whatever. Probably not anything he even realized he was doing, just smaller considerations that might not have occurred to him to think about even if he was trying to be a good "temporary roommate" in general.
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Originally Posted by Parnassia
Being alone demands more self-sufficiency and independent thinking. It is possible to go too far down that road.
I think it may be possible to go too far the other way, as well. Think of people who are married for decades, then a spouse dies or leaves and they're lost on how to get by on their own and may be scrambling for any new relationship (even if a bad one-- we've seen them here in the "relationships" forum). (Probably less likely in future as fewer people move straight out of parents' home into a marriage {or relationship} bed, but who knows.)
I think maybe people can simply become set in the ways they're used to?
I've had the experience in recent years of reconnecting with old friends and finding that they've gotten very much more anxious or nervous or scared or fussy than they used to be. They've developed what seems to me to be excess anxiety (that exceeds what's warranted by actual reality
It could be the older one gets, the more exposure they've had to both positive and negative life experiences and since people tend to remember the negative more easily (maybe it's a survival thing), they become more "anxious" as they get older. Maybe to you they're being weird, but for them they are simply becoming more aware of things which could be harmful. Fear of Covid is a perfect example of this, these same people in their 20-40s probably wouldn't have cared as much about it.
As one gets older, for many, their situational awareness may increase being that they are not as young and strong as they once were.
Well there is a bunch of COVID stuff (taking a COVID test daily, laundering any clothes before I wear them in her house, wearing a mask indoors, hand washing before entering the house, not going into any indoor space with other people like stores or restaurants while I'm visiting or 24 hours before we first meet) but I'll set those aside because people have varying concerns about COVID based on their health status and all, although she says she has no health issues but maybe she's worried about long covid or something.
Anyway, aside from the COVID stuff, she also doesn't want to talk about film, which is a professional ambition she once had but didn't succeed in and is an industry in which I did work and with which I am still peripherally involved. I guess because it makes her feel bad. She wants to avoid conversation about certain people we both know who she feels slighted by but who are still friends of mine. She doesn't want me to bring coffee into her house because she doesn't like the smell. She doesn't want to eat out, even outdoors, but is okay with getting take-out if we only eat it on her patio and not inside her house, no meat or dairy though. She doesn't eat them and doesn't like watching other people eat those things.
I mean, really, any of these things by themselves is fine with me. What's oppressive is just the sense of her being so wound up about so many things. She also gets very easily upset by the slightest perceived insult, even if it happened in the long ago past and even if most people wouldn't interpret it as an insult at all. She carries a lot of resentment about failed romantic relationships, not even serious long term ones, long ago in her life. I mean, at a certain point you really have to let that stuff go and move on with your life, right? I've had some relationship disappointments in my past, but who hasn't? I don't give them a passing thought now decades later.
She just seems nervous, easily hurt or insulted or something. It's just too much work trying to not do or say the wrong thing. I didn't realize she'd gotten this weird (I haven't seen her in years) until we recently got back in touch and have had several lengthy phone conversations. She used to be a more spontaneous, fun loving person. I was looking forward to reconnecting... but not now.
Your friend's numerous demands are really over the top. It seems more than quirky, maybe she needs some psychological help. She shouldn't be expecting a guest to go through all that and walk on eggshells to be around her. This woman has some real issues.
As far as people generally getting weird with age, I've noticed it. Some actually move more toward risk taking or attention seeking behavior. I had an old friend seeking to visit and become the guest who won't leave, and make me to pay for everything. She has plenty of money and a home. Doesn't seem like something to do to someone you have known for so long, to risk that friendship by trying to take advantage of them. She would never have done that before. Strange.
As far as people generally getting weird with age, I've noticed it. Some actually move more toward risk taking or attention seeking behavior. I had an old friend seeking to visit and become the guest who won't leave, and make me to pay for everything. She has plenty of money and a home. Doesn't seem like something to do to someone you have known for so long, to risk that friendship by trying to take advantage of them. She would never have done that before. Strange.
I have also seen friends develop greater attention needs as they've gotten older. I'm not sure what that's about, but they want to be seen, acknowledged, and feel insulted when they aren't. I mean, I understand that everyone wants to be "seen" in some sense, but also that you learn to let it go when you're not sometimes. The degree of sensitivity about this has gotten heightened in my old friends who've gone weird on me. Sensitivity in general actually, which seems to be the same underlying issue with food aversions, imagined "toxins", being around other people or in unfamiliar situations, getting outside one's comfort zone, etc.
It's a cocktail of control issues and hyper sensitivity.
I am more concerned about my appearance and get seriously depressed over it sometimes. I take very good care of myself, am healthy as a horse, don't drink alcohol (maybe an occasional social drink...maybe), don't smoke, live a healthy lifestyle. But I've aged a lot this past year. The only thing that will help is a face lift, I think. I can't deal with that now because of things going on in my life. So I just get seriously depressed at times. Is that weird? I've always struggled with that, but it's gotten much worse. I hide it from family & friends, though.
Yeah... this is a whole other thing. Not weird, in my opinion. It's just an adjustment in self-image. I feel it too. In fact I think it's even a little more pronounced because you are healthy and take good care of yourself, like there's a mismatch. I was never some great beauty in my youth, but I was certainly 'good looking enough'... LOL. You know, probably in that way that when you see old photos of yourself and all your young friends and you all looked so beautiful in a way you couldn't actually see at the time. Youth.
Anyway, I don't feel different at 68 than I did at ... probably around 40 or so? But I don't look 40. I think I look pretty okay "for my age" but that's not the same. It's inevitable though. I remember when my mom turned 60 she told me that when she saw her reflection in a window she'd be surprised and think "who is that old lady?" She actually looked pretty great at 60 and well beyond that, but now I understand better how she was feeling.
I wouldn't get a face lift though. And I have stopped putting color in my hair. I figure my best approach to the purely cosmetic changes is to just accept it. I still put some effort into staying healthy and fit though!
Well there is a bunch of COVID stuff (taking a COVID test daily, laundering any clothes before I wear them in her house, wearing a mask indoors, hand washing before entering the house, not going into any indoor space with other people like stores or restaurants while I'm visiting or 24 hours before we first meet) but I'll set those aside because people have varying concerns about COVID based on their health status and all, although she says she has no health issues but maybe she's worried about long covid or something.
Anyway, aside from the COVID stuff, she also doesn't want to talk about film, which is a professional ambition she once had but didn't succeed in and is an industry in which I did work and with which I am still peripherally involved. I guess because it makes her feel bad. She wants to avoid conversation about certain people we both know who she feels slighted by but who are still friends of mine. She doesn't want me to bring coffee into her house because she doesn't like the smell. She doesn't want to eat out, even outdoors, but is okay with getting take-out if we only eat it on her patio and not inside her house, no meat or dairy though. She doesn't eat them and doesn't like watching other people eat those things.
I mean, really, any of these things by themselves is fine with me. What's oppressive is just the sense of her being so wound up about so many things. She also gets very easily upset by the slightest perceived insult, even if it happened in the long ago past and even if most people wouldn't interpret it as an insult at all. She carries a lot of resentment about failed romantic relationships, not even serious long term ones, long ago in her life. I mean, at a certain point you really have to let that stuff go and move on with your life, right? I've had some relationship disappointments in my past, but who hasn't? I don't give them a passing thought now decades later.
She just seems nervous, easily hurt or insulted or something. It's just too much work trying to not do or say the wrong thing. I didn't realize she'd gotten this weird (I haven't seen her in years) until we recently got back in touch and have had several lengthy phone conversations. She used to be a more spontaneous, fun loving person. I was looking forward to reconnecting... but not now.
The thoughts and behaviors (and expectations regarding the behavior of others) don't seem to be age-related weirdness.
I'm not going to hijack the thread into a COVID rant, but I've been witnessing first hand how that sort of paranoia triggered by the pandemic can overwhelm a person and damage their relationships with others. With the person who I'm indirectly referring to, she already suffers from anxiety and OCD, so COVID just exacerbated her issues. At this point, this person uses COVID as a reason to do or not do certain things and interact with select people to whom she used to be very close, so I'm wondering if that's a bit of what's going on with your friend, too. That is, she already deals with anxiety, depression, and control issues, so COVID is just another thing on her way to control how others interact with her and her environment.
It makes me sad for her and for you that she's missing out on so much of life and friendship due to her issues. If I were you, I would do my best to try and "meet her where she's at," so to speak and keep your conversations and get togethers light. Have some fun reminiscing about the nicer shared memories; keep talk to things that you've read, the weather, what's going on each other's world. Perhaps with time, she'll return to who she once was if only in small ways.
Well there is a bunch of COVID stuff (taking a COVID test daily, laundering any clothes before I wear them in her house, wearing a mask indoors, hand washing before entering the house, not going into any indoor space with other people like stores or restaurants while I'm visiting or 24 hours before we first meet) but I'll set those aside because people have varying concerns about COVID based on their health status and all, although she says she has no health issues but maybe she's worried about long covid or something.
Anyway, aside from the COVID stuff, she also doesn't want to talk about film, which is a professional ambition she once had but didn't succeed in and is an industry in which I did work and with which I am still peripherally involved. I guess because it makes her feel bad. She wants to avoid conversation about certain people we both know who she feels slighted by but who are still friends of mine. She doesn't want me to bring coffee into her house because she doesn't like the smell. She doesn't want to eat out, even outdoors, but is okay with getting take-out if we only eat it on her patio and not inside her house, no meat or dairy though. She doesn't eat them and doesn't like watching other people eat those things.
I mean, really, any of these things by themselves is fine with me. What's oppressive is just the sense of her being so wound up about so many things. She also gets very easily upset by the slightest perceived insult, even if it happened in the long ago past and even if most people wouldn't interpret it as an insult at all. She carries a lot of resentment about failed romantic relationships, not even serious long term ones, long ago in her life. I mean, at a certain point you really have to let that stuff go and move on with your life, right? I've had some relationship disappointments in my past, but who hasn't? I don't give them a passing thought now decades later.
She just seems nervous, easily hurt or insulted or something. It's just too much work trying to not do or say the wrong thing. I didn't realize she'd gotten this weird (I haven't seen her in years) until we recently got back in touch and have had several lengthy phone conversations. She used to be a more spontaneous, fun loving person. I was looking forward to reconnecting... but not now.
Yeah that's way too much. I was going to say, if it's just getting vaccinated and tested, or wearing a mask indoors even, maybe okay, but the other conditions are pretty ridiculous. Dictating what types of things, and which people, you can talk about, and what you're allowed to eat and drink at your own expense is way too far. If you really want to visit, I would stay at a hotel where you can eat and drink what you please, and just visit her for limited hours in her home or backyard, avoiding meal times if necessary. She seems sad and neurotic. She has probably isolated herself so much that she's spiraling into more and more fears, judgements, limitations, etc, and will only exacerbate her own isolation. That's really sad. Think about staying in a hotel so maybe you can see her, without her controlling you so much. I know she doesn't want you going to public places, but maybe you need to push back a bit for some concessions, and make it a condition of your visit that you can stay in a hotel each night, otherwise no visit.
I think self-preservation is strongly correlated with age. The older you get, the more fussy you are around making sure that you continue living and sustaining your lifestyle. Some people obviously take it to the next level by barricading themselves up in their house. I don't take nearly as many risks as I used to. Maybe it's just that I had a lot less to lose back then.
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