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My little chihuahua x mini foxy died a month ago from CHF in tragic circumstances. I have so much anger and guilt. I really feel like I failed him and that he suffered unnecessarily. It's so difficult because we struggled for so long trying to keep him alive- we spent around $12000, gave him meds he hated, fed him through a syringe, took him for checkups... I just feel like I really failed him in the end.
He had been in the ICU for four nights and I didn't visit because I didn't want to upset him. We only got him back for 20 hours and during that time I don't think I paid enough attention to how much water he drank. I'm worried his blood sugar dropped. I didn't syringe food as usual. He was so tired I just let him sleep. We didn't even keep him near us because we just had this stupid idea that he needed his rest and we shouldn't bother him. I feel like I could have made the last 20 hours of his life so much better for him. I feel like I was selfish and protecting my own feelings rather than keeping him my number one priority. I busied myself in the morning trying to think of supplements I could give him and trying to get a second opinion from another vet (as my cardiologist said he was 'treatment resistant'). He was lying on the floor near me then got up and went into the bedroom. When I checked on him 20 minutes later he was in respiratory distress and we had to rush him back to the ICU. He died three hours later. We didn't even get to say goodbye.
I really hate myself at the moment and feel 100% to blame. I have to keep going because I'm 5 months pregnant and everyone is relying on me to give birth to a healthy baby. I just feel so lost without my little guy. Like a part of me is missing, that I failed him and that I should have done more. I am so worried he felt abandoned by me. We spent almost all day, every day together almost his whole life. He was my main man, my heart and my best friend. I feel so lost and like this grief is not recoverable.
I wish we had known he would be gone so soon. I would have spent every moment with him, visited him in the ICU and taken him on little adventures. I also yelled at him when he wouldn't take his meds and bit me. I'm so ashamed of myself. Our little dog did have a good life (up until about a month before he died) but I can only remember everything I ever did that was wrong.
How are other people dealing with their feelings of grief?
It can be like crawling through quicksand for a while. You may feel like the overwhelming sadness will drag you under. But even when you're on "auto-pilot" necessary things like eating, laundry, job, etc will still get done.
I also beat myself up during my cat's last days and after her death, for the few isolated incidents over two decades when I didn't do right by her. Weasie (in the infinite wisdom animals seem to possess when all too few people do) had forgiven and forgotten - at the time - whatever the small offenses were, and knew without a doubt that love prevailed. Proof of that was given on the final day we spent together and again at the vet clinic as her consciousness faded for the last time. It's part of the burden we carry, being human, that we zero in on whatever we can find to stir up guilt and do the "coulda/woulda/shoulda thing." But our pets are smarter than that. Try to focus on this reality while remembering that grief has no timetable.
broken-hearted I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way. My sweet cat Yorick has been gone for three months, but it feels like just yesterday. I miss him dreadfully every day. I always knew it would hurt when he was gone, but I didn't know it would hurt so much. Everything I do seems meaningless and hollow, knowing that he will not be at home when I get there.
Even with seven other cats, nothing is the same. On his last day on earth, I didn't even look for him when I got home. I was too "busy" mowing the yard and taking care of the kitten I rescued. I didn't go to him until he cried for me hours later. I thought it was a normal day and he would be waiting for me in the bedroom and I would brush him and he would sleep beside me. But it wasn't. I thought we had many more years together. He loved me unconditionally. I was the only one he had, and I was too "busy" to find him on the night he died. I should have known about blood clots in cats and I should have gotten an ultrasound for him. I feel like let him down. I would give anything to hold Yorick one more time.
My girlfriend says that animals are not people, and do not sit around waiting on us to show them attention. If they want it, they come to us and she said Yorick knew I was always there when he wanted me. She said that they live in the present, and that they do think about think about things we "should" have done. If their needs are met they are happy.
I know that she is right, but it doesn't help how I feel inside. Maybe you can get some solace and peace from her words.
It can be like crawling through quicksand for a while. You may feel like the overwhelming sadness will drag you under. But even when you're on "auto-pilot" necessary things like eating, laundry, job, etc will still get done.
I also beat myself up during my cat's last days and after her death, for the few isolated incidents over two decades when I didn't do right by her. Weasie (in the infinite wisdom animals seem to possess when all too few people do) had forgiven and forgotten - at the time - whatever the small offenses were, and knew without a doubt that love prevailed. Proof of that was given on the final day we spent together and again at the vet clinic as her consciousness faded for the last time. It's part of the burden we carry, being human, that we zero in on whatever we can find to stir up guilt and do the "coulda/woulda/shoulda thing." But our pets are smarter than that. Try to focus on this reality while remembering that grief has no timetable.
Thank you goyguy. I hope he has forgiven me and I hope I can one day forgive myself. He brought so much love and happiness into my life. I just wish I could have given him peace at the end.
broken-hearted I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way. My sweet cat Yorick has been gone for three months, but it feels like just yesterday. I miss him dreadfully every day. I always knew it would hurt when he was gone, but I didn't know it would hurt so much. Everything I do seems meaningless and hollow, knowing that he will not be at home when I get there.
Even with seven other cats, nothing is the same. On his last day on earth, I didn't even look for him when I got home. I was too "busy" mowing the yard and taking care of the kitten I rescued. I didn't go to him until he cried for me hours later. I thought it was a normal day and he would be waiting for me in the bedroom and I would brush him and he would sleep beside me. But it wasn't. I thought we had many more years together. He loved me unconditionally. I was the only one he had, and I was too "busy" to find him on the night he died. I should have known about blood clots in cats and I should have gotten an ultrasound for him. I feel like let him down. I would give anything to hold Yorick one more time.
My girlfriend says that animals are not people, and do not sit around waiting on us to show them attention. If they want it, they come to us and she said Yorick knew I was always there when he wanted me. She said that they live in the present, and that they do think about think about things we "should" have done. If their needs are met they are happy.
I know that she is right, but it doesn't help how I feel inside. Maybe you can get some solace and peace from her words.
Thank you for getting in contact again Strelnikov. If I had known my little guy only had hours to live I would have cradled him in my arms all night. I would have never let them do any more tests on him. And if I had known the horrible death awaiting him I would have insisted on euthanising him while I held him and sung to him and let my kind, loving eyes be the last thing he saw. I feel very let down by the vet and being given so much false hope.
I think you and I are suffering the same. We both had such an incredibly close bond with our pets that we thought we'd instinctually know their moment of passing. We never expected our bond with them could be broken so suddenly. It was a cruel twist of fate for us and we have to remember that we're not psychic. There is no way either of us could have predicted what would happen. The grief we're feeling now is the proof that we loved our animals beyond comprehension. I don't know how we can forgive ourselves and move on. I suppose neither of us has a choice. We have friends and family depending on us and you have other fur babies to take care of. We have to give our love to the living now. I hope you and I can both find some peace. Take care my friend.
Dear broken-hearted,
this that you said - "The grief we're feeling now is the proof that we loved our animals beyond comprehension." I think is key.
I grieved so much for my baby after I had her euthanized last Tuesday, it was like Strelnikov said, everything feels hollow.
the first 24 hours grief was like a storm that I thot would wash me away & I would never return. It felt unbearable.
Around Day 2 I got a thot which is similar to what you said, and I wrote it down and keep it around for comfort:
"Grief is the price we pay for loving."
Would we rather not have loved? No, I wouldn't and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't either.
Someone said to me that what matters most is the life they had with us, not the last few minutes.
As for guilt, I feel tremendous guilt bec. I didn't have the money to get my baby treated. You spent a small fortune on your baby and still feel guilty.
Maybe it is inevitable, bec. we are humans, and we know we have the responsibility to our animals.
But you really did a heck of a lot. You did all you could do at that moment. Which I'm sure you did throughout your pet's life. You always loved your little guy as well as you could, and he knew it.
I think we should not humanize animals too much. I don't think they have to forgive us, bec. I don't think they ever blame us.
I still hate to come home, knowing my kitty isn't there to say hi to.
I feel guilty that I was so annoyed by how hard it was to get her to eat. (but I don't think I showed that to her, I hope not.)
i'm still crying, I'm still bereft and lonesome in a way I did not anticipate.
but I'm going on cuz that is the only choice we have.
I wish you healing, I know it will come eventually.
I know that pain, it's been my companion since 2008!
I feel like a freak at times, because I still cry for the loss of her, after 16 years we had together.
Don't we all somehow feel guilt? I wonder why? It seems to be a very common companion to the grieving for a loved one. My Sassy died quietly in her sleep, yet I have still found reasons to feel guilty and 'negligent' in my care of her- but I know it's not true.
There was nothing I did, ever, that she ever indicated I should have done something else. They love us unconditionally, and when we meet again, we won't be discussing the ways I felt I failed her!
I still miss her so much, but I am finally functional again. For at least a year, I was not. We went everywhere together, we were connected somehow, emotionally. Her loss was like losing a body part- trying to learn how to function without that part was the hardest task I have ever had.
I wish you much shorter mourning time than I had, remember you know how much you loved him, and so does he.
Dear broken-hearted,
this that you said - "The grief we're feeling now is the proof that we loved our animals beyond comprehension." I think is key.
I grieved so much for my baby after I had her euthanized last Tuesday, it was like Strelnikov said, everything feels hollow.
the first 24 hours grief was like a storm that I thot would wash me away & I would never return. It felt unbearable.
Around Day 2 I got a thot which is similar to what you said, and I wrote it down and keep it around for comfort:
"Grief is the price we pay for loving."
Would we rather not have loved? No, I wouldn't and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't either.
Someone said to me that what matters most is the life they had with us, not the last few minutes.
As for guilt, I feel tremendous guilt bec. I didn't have the money to get my baby treated. You spent a small fortune on your baby and still feel guilty.
Maybe it is inevitable, bec. we are humans, and we know we have the responsibility to our animals.
But you really did a heck of a lot. You did all you could do at that moment. Which I'm sure you did throughout your pet's life. You always loved your little guy as well as you could, and he knew it.
I think we should not humanize animals too much. I don't think they have to forgive us, bec. I don't think they ever blame us.
I still hate to come home, knowing my kitty isn't there to say hi to.
I feel guilty that I was so annoyed by how hard it was to get her to eat. (but I don't think I showed that to her, I hope not.)
i'm still crying, I'm still bereft and lonesome in a way I did not anticipate.
but I'm going on cuz that is the only choice we have.
I wish you healing, I know it will come eventually.
best, to you,
ellen
Thank you Ellen. I appreciate your kind words. I really did try to do my best- I just fell apart at the end and made a few wrong decisions that didn't kill my dog but added to his suffering. I obviously didn't realise it at the time. I guess I'm just really ashamed that I failed him when he needed me most. I thought I could stabilise him at home but I was utterly unprepared for how sick he really was. I should have known better. I'm trying to forgive myself but it is really hard. I loved him with every piece of my heart and soul and I'm sorry I let him down. I miss him terribly and often feel like I can't go on without him but like you said I don't have any choice. I still have my husband and a baby on the way. I somehow how to learn to live with what happened and deal with the bad memories. I hope in time we are both able to heal. Thanks again.
I know that pain, it's been my companion since 2008!
I feel like a freak at times, because I still cry for the loss of her, after 16 years we had together.
Don't we all somehow feel guilt? I wonder why? It seems to be a very common companion to the grieving for a loved one. My Sassy died quietly in her sleep, yet I have still found reasons to feel guilty and 'negligent' in my care of her- but I know it's not true.
There was nothing I did, ever, that she ever indicated I should have done something else. They love us unconditionally, and when we meet again, we won't be discussing the ways I felt I failed her!
I still miss her so much, but I am finally functional again. For at least a year, I was not. We went everywhere together, we were connected somehow, emotionally. Her loss was like losing a body part- trying to learn how to function without that part was the hardest task I have ever had.
I wish you much shorter mourning time than I had, remember you know how much you loved him, and so does he.
It'll get better!
Thanks sassyseattle. Don't feel like a freak. I carry my little guy's collar with me in my bag. I often say goodnight to his ashes. I know he's gone but I'm not ready to let go yet. I cry everyday and miss him all the time.
I know we all feel guilt in some way for our pet's passing. I think it's impossible not too- they are so reliant on us and trust us. I made some bad decisions the last night he was with us- things I would do anything to change... but I can't. That last night was such a disaster. I will forever wish I had done more for him.
I loved him and I know he loved me. We had 9 years together and he was always happy right up until about 3 weeks before his death. I feel like I can't function without him, like I'm a failure and that I made him worse.
I hope one day I can forgive myself and just remember all the good times we had. That feels a long way off right now. I'm not sure I'll ever really forgive myself.
I hope to one day be reunited with him, hold him in my arms and cover him in puppy kisses. I miss him so much. I hope he has found the peace I could not offer him. Take care.
It sounds like you did what you thought was best for him at that time based on the information you had. Your best is all that you can do. No one is perfect. He knew that you loved him and gave him a good life and that is really all that matters.
Edited to add: have you thought about seeing a therapist to help you work through these issues? It might be something to consider.
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