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It does not sound as if reconciliation is his goal. Nonetheless, counseling would not be a bad idea, particularly in light of the children.
Actually, the OP wrote this: "I am hoping for this to not end in divorce but in reconciliation."
Unfortunately, once one goes down the separation route, nerves become frazzled and feelings hurt, especially with lawyers getting into the situation, and reconciliation rarely happens.
Last edited by lovebrentwood; 02-04-2013 at 03:13 PM..
Now I remember. Guess I was following later posts when he wanted his wife to sign a statement about being abusive.
Once people separate and consult attorneys, chances for reconciliation go down. However, marriage counseling is often a way for the one who is heading out the door to let the other one down gently.
Sometimes a clear idea of what's ahead financially and emotionally can help people decide whether they want to go forward or not.
Friends of our separated about fifteen years ago. He was unhappy, didn't feel appreciated, had started a relationship with another woman. She was disgusted and said fine. In negotiating their separation, he realized what he was walking away from and had a change of heart. They reconciled and have been together ever since.
I've read of women who decide to just ignore their husband's decision to leave, to believe that he loves them and this is just a temporary crazy spell. Seems that works too for some.
Depends on what people want out of life and what they are willing to put up with.
If this guy wants to stay with his wife, then he needs to stay in his home and work it out. If he leaves, chances of reconciliation go way down.
However, if she is abusive, no one needs to put up with a lifetime of that.
He can, of course, write up his own separation agreement. Since he is asking for advice on this forum, I'd suggest he consult a professional in the field to help with this. A mediator might be a great help as well.
It may surprise you, for the record, that I, the OP, am the "she."
I have been in an emotionally abusive situation for years, not just from husband but also 3 adult kids (17, 18, 22) living at home, one - a daughter with an unplanned pregnancy, so another person to care for coming soon, and I don't want it to be me! If I shared here publicly what I have endured for so long I think you all would be astonished or perhaps appalled would be a better word. We have been the route of counseling multiple times...unsuccessfully. I feel I have no choice but to leave because if he leaves I will still be dealing with the adult children in the home and nothing will ever change. I need to take care of myself before I have a nervous breakdown.
We may end up being one of those couples who never divorce but live separately indefinitely, who knows. I know for me I will not be rushing into another relationship and may never do so.
I did put in the agreement that once our 17-year-old graduates, if we have not reconciled, the house would be put up for sale.
I am taking the advice not to mention the abuse in the agreement, thank you for that. I will have it notarized but may or may not file with the courts. I cannot afford a lawyer right now.
I am taking the advice not to mention the abuse in the agreement, thank you for that. I will have it notarized but may or may not file with the courts. I cannot afford a lawyer right now.
You don't need a lawyer to file. We didn't. Just know anything you put in there is public record, so black out the private info..
It may surprise you, for the record, that I, the OP, am the "she."
I have been in an emotionally abusive situation for years, not just from husband but also 3 adult kids (17, 18, 22) living at home, one - a daughter with an unplanned pregnancy, so another person to care for coming soon, and I don't want it to be me! If I shared here publicly what I have endured for so long I think you all would be astonished or perhaps appalled would be a better word. We have been the route of counseling multiple times...unsuccessfully. I feel I have no choice but to leave because if he leaves I will still be dealing with the adult children in the home and nothing will ever change. I need to take care of myself before I have a nervous breakdown.
We may end up being one of those couples who never divorce but live separately indefinitely, who knows. I know for me I will not be rushing into another relationship and may never do so.
I did put in the agreement that once our 17-year-old graduates, if we have not reconciled, the house would be put up for sale.
I am taking the advice not to mention the abuse in the agreement, thank you for that. I will have it notarized but may or may not file with the courts. I cannot afford a lawyer right now.
I understand not having money to hire a lawyer, but there are legal aid groups AND most lawyers will do a free consult. I know, I consulted for free with two separate lawyers before I chose one when I got divorced from my kids' father.
Just something to consider. It is better to be protected.
I also agree with RaleighLass. You will be obliged to pay child support for the 17yo, unless you have a written, legally-binding agreement that states otherwise.
I assume this child will graduate this school year?
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But, is it safe to have a separation agreement that doesn't address this issue?
It is probably a good idea to work out a negotiated agreement on support obligations, but I don't believe it in any way limits a court's ability to award child support that is formulaicly mandated by state law. As child support is for the benefit of a child, not the spouse, an agreement of the parties can't really limit it. (But still, an agreed approach may lessen or eliminate the need for one party to go into court to seek an order of child support.)
Caveat: I have no expertise in this area, just a very tiny bit of knowledge learned through my own divorce. Only an attorney can really advise on these topics.
But, is it safe to have a separation agreement that doesn't address this issue?
The separation agreement does address child support. I worded it to say that due to the age of the minor child, the parties agree to waive child support at this time. He will be 18 by the time any divorce is considered. As for alimony, I said "waived at this time but would be addressed when and if the separation leads to divorce. I think he is going to agree to this because he will not be financially supporting me during the separation.
School? You have no idea what has been going on with his and his bother's education. I believe the truancy laws only apply to age 16 so my husband has been off the hook there.
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