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Here goes nothing. As some of you may recall from my previous posts, we recently moved to North Carolina (Raleigh/Cary area) back in late 2012 after my retirement. Found a job rather quickly upon moving there, but was completely miserable with it and resigned soon thereafter. I wasn't too concerned at the time with finances because I was (and still am) pulling a pension and had (still have) a pretty good nestegg to boot. My wife was still going to school and wasn't working. We have two children, 10 and soon to be 12. Call it being new to the area, home sickness, new chapter in life, whatever, I found all the reasons to be miserable there. I feel much of it was due to the job I was working; I associated my misery for the area to my job. For approximately 7 months, I didn't work, but again, we were good financially due to my income. The clock was ticking and we were coming up on our year lease with the home we were renting. A decision had to be made soon to renew the lease for another year or find a home to purchase. I put whatever logic together to form some kind of criteria to stay or go back home (Florida). In North Carolina, we had no family or friends, other than some nice neighbors in our development. Jobs were scarce(?), or did I not put enough effort into looking for one because I thought we should move back? I don't know. Having worked a job for over two decades and setting out to find something new other than what you have known for years is down right scary. I was given a job offer in the southwest Florida area, jetted down there for 3 weeks while my wife and kids finished school (at least that was the plan) and found myself even more miserable. Away from the people I love so much, doing the same job I did for over 20 years (just a different area), and not being impressed with the area we would most likely relocate to led me to resign there as well and return to NC.
Well, fast forward to today, we're back from where we moved from just two years ago. I now have a job I like, have a very nice home, wife is working, and guess what? I miss Cary and all it had to offer. Back here, I see why we moved away. Congestion, crime, over development, lack of IQ across the board, a terrible park and trail system (you guys have the best!), and a general sense of uneasyness. While living in Cary, I didn't worry much about the safety of my family, whether my wife would be run off the road by some maniac during a road rage incident (and believe me, we experience this on a daily basis, no exaggeration), the kind of friends my children would be making while at school, etc, etc, etc. I miss the weather in NC and the change of season, TREES, people generally being friendly to each other (especially while driving), you name it. I felt terrible about moving back to Florida. I know my wife loved living there in NC and I felt (at the time) moving back here would be the right thing to do. It's not to say we're completely miserble here; my wife and kids are happy, but I know that had we remained in NC and I took more time to become adjusted to a new way of life (and work), we would be glad we remained. Initially, the times I spoke of moving back to NC, my wife would cut me off and say no way. Not that she doesn't want to, but doesn't want to go through the whole process of moving again. Yes, moving stinks, but I'd gladly go through it again to move to NC. Our last conversation included her saying, "if ever in the slightest chance we should move again," so I think I'm making progress.
Here's my concern(s) if we move again, which I would like to do within the next 2-3 years, will my kids be okay with it? I feel the cutoff time would be before the oldest starts high school, which is just over 2 years from now. My youngest would still be in middle school, and she's even mentioned wanting to move back to NC. One or both of us having a job prior to moving a must. Even with my pension, I'd like to continue working and not become bored. My wife will be well into her career and should not have any issues finding work. Not concerned with the friends and family thing. I know we'll make friends there in NC, just have to give it more time. My wife's mother and her husband are set to move out of state early next year (for all the same reasons we moved away in the first place), so we'll probably be closer to them in NC than here (they're moving north, either GA, TN, or, yes, NC. Go figure).
I know this post is long winded and I appreciate your patience in reading it through. I feel I've been through hell and back these last two years (as does my family, no thanks to me) and couldn't have made it without my wife's support and patience. To those of you out there reading this, don't sugarcoat it, tell me your thoughts about this and my long term plans. Have similar experiences and their results? Do you think it's worth it? I'm absolutely convinced life would be better for all of us in NC, knowing what life was up there compared to here. Funny thing is, those I work with, after they find out I moved to NC and back to Florida, shake their heads and wonder why I would move back to this place. If only I knew then what I know now, right?
Happiness comes from within. A change of geography will mask issues for a few months or a year but whatever is making you unhappy anywhere else will make you unhappy here, even if you are able to imagine other causal relationships.
Spend some time to get to the real root of the problem. Moving out of state only provides a distraction that will take your mind off it for a while, then you'll be back to where you started.
Wow, I read your post. My husband always tells me if I say "we should of done this or that" to stop backpeddling....whats done is done and to move forward. So I try and do that. You left FL because you wanted better, you went to NC and were homesick and not genuinely happy, so you moved back to Fl. You mentioned you have a pension. From NYC guys that move there with pensions are usually NYPD and FDNY guys in their 40s. Not sure if this is the case with your from FL, just taking a stab at it. First off, retirement itself is a HUGE adjustment especially in your 40s. You are still young, you are used to working a demanding job and then retired and moved away from everything familiar...your job, your friends and relatives, your area, your familiar surroundings and expected to adjust and be over the moon happy, but life doesn't work that way.
Moving kids back and forth isn't a great thing to do IMHO and I wouldn't do it at all again unless you are 100% sure you will stay in NC and not uproot kids again. Your children are at the ages where friendship and fitting in are important to their well being.
You need to examine yourself; if you just aren't genuinely happy or unhappy, or you just feel status quo. I think for most people there comes a time in their lives, 40s or 50s, where they realize that this is it. The job they have, the life they chose and it isn't necessarily bad, its just not terribly exciting......
Last edited by Hazellect; 10-22-2014 at 12:38 PM..
I don't think you are being fair to your kids. You can't really pinpoint why you're unhappy, you're just unhappy. You seem to constantly think a change of scenery will help your mental state. You didn't like Cary before and now it's becoming more like what you dislike (more crowded, etc). I think you are looking at wherever you AREN'T with rose-colored glasses.
I don't blame your wife at all. I agree with the poster who said wait till your kids are grown to make a decision about moving again. You're kinda running out of chances with all of them, I'm sure.
No one can tell you how your kids will do, but I bet they won't be real happy if you make them move again, unless you make them so miserable if they don't "agree" to it that it's just easier for them to acquiesce.
Your kids will be at a very vulnerable age. Nobody wants to start a new school at the beginning of high school. Everybody else (it seems like it) will have friends and know the lay of the land. Find out what is REALLY making you unhappy before you subject your whole family to another traumatic change.
Thanks for the advice, everyone. I completely understand the concern regarding my kids, and believe me, I'd hate to put them through the wringer again. It's this overwhelming desire for me to bring my family back to where I feel life would be better that keep these thoughts in my head. Ever break up with someone because you felt things wouldn't work out and find yourself months later feeling you'd do anything to get that person back again because you miss them so? Kind of feel that's where I'm at with this. Mistakes were made on my part, and I'm trying to make it right, but only want to do so if my family's with me on this. Is it right to stay put somewhere you're unhappy with, knowing there's something better simply because you've done it before and things didn't work out the first time? No second chances?
No second chances when kids are involved. You compare it to breaking up w/someone - there was a reason for it the first time. Have you tried counseling to try to find out why YOU are so unhappy?
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