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This thread came at a great time for me.
I just got off the phone with my mother. She and Dad live 600 miles from us. Although my brother lives in the same town as my parents, he has been virtually estranged from all of us for many years. He only comes around when he thinks there is a chance my parents will give him money (like his birthday/Christmas). So, it is up to me to take care of them if there is ever a need.
So far things have been okay. Today, however, my Mom kicked my Dad out of the house. (long story, rocky marriage for the last 3 years). Anyway...
I now can't depend on them to take care of each other, to let me know if there is a problem, or anything. They don't tell me anything is "up" until someone is in the hospital. I am at a loss as to what to do. I am a working mother of 3 (two are in college and financially dependent, one is in 4th grade.) My husband is very supportive but also has a full time job. We are busy people and pay our own way but don't have a ton of extra. What extra we do have goes to retirement. I can't just pick up and drive 600 miles once a month to check on these two.
What do the rest of you do that have aging parents far away?
Maybe it's just me, but personally, I think unless there has been mental or physical incapacibility, we shouldn't feel like we have to rush in and take care of aging parents.
Getting old is a fact of life, it rarely sneaks up on anyone. You have a lot of years of slowing down to know that your body is wearing out. So as adults our parents should have been preparing for these days for a long time.
How does the expression go? Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
I am not saying we should abandon those elderly parents who, like I said, develop Alzheimers or become bedridden. But short of that, I say let your parents live their lives and figrue their own problems out. There seems to be a tendency to treat "seasoned citizens" like children. They are adults, and as adults should be in charge of their lives.
There is no reason you should have to drive 600 miles once a month just to check on your parents. If you would normally go that distance for a once a month visit, that's one thing - but just to check on them, no way. If you feel they need monitoring then consider talking to their pastor or their closest responsible neighbor about having them drop in regularly and then giving you a call if some issue comes up. But your first responsibility is to your own children and husband now.
Those who can harden their hearts against cries from the ones who changed their diapers and fed them when they were helpless aren't people I want to count as friends. Cases of abuse are one thing, but most parents aren't abusive.
Those who can harden their hearts against cries from the ones who changed their diapers and fed them when they were helpless aren't people I want to count as friends. Cases of abuse are one thing, but most parents aren't abusive.
You are right, most parents aren't abusive, but many are negligent and neglectful. Now just because they are old their kids are supposed to give up their own lives and dreams to take care of them? Again, just playing devils advocate and trying to show how some adult kids may feel. These situations can be complicated and it's not fair to judge people with parents like that as having "hard hearts".
I'm not saying people should ignore "cries for help" from their parents. I'm just saying they don't always come first in order or priorities, especially if you still have minor children of your own to take care of.
If an aged parent is incapable of caring for themselves due to mental or physical breakdowns, then yes, you do what you REASONABLY can to help them. But, what is reasonable will be relative to each individuals personal situation.
In the best of situations there is plenty of love to go around and people make it work. But adult children should not feel guily if they are not able to drive 600 miles every weekend to check on their parents. They should also not feel guilty if they have to seek alternative living arrangements for those parents when they can no longer live alone and bringing them to their homes is not a viable option.
Those aged parents were once thriving, responsible adults. If they didn't plan better for their futures than the county nursing home that is not their kids fault.
As a disclaimer, I would take care of my parents if they needed it, because I love them. I'd take care of anyone I loved, friend or family, if I was physically/emotionally/financially capable.
That being said, I do not think that anyone should ever feel OBLIGATED to do so. Our parents chose to have us, for their own benefit. Yes, they sacrificed for us--but they knew that going into it. Everyone who consciously chooses to have children knows they cost time and money, but they feel the benefits are 10x the cost. On the other hand, we don't choose to be born. We don't owe our parents anything because they chose to procreate and raise us.
It sounds cold...but it's the truth. If my parents need help one day, I will give them what I can--but not at the expense of my family.
As a disclaimer, I would take care of my parents if they needed it, because I love them. I'd take care of anyone I loved, friend or family, if I was physically/emotionally/financially capable.
That being said, I do not think that anyone should ever feel OBLIGATED to do so. Our parents chose to have us, for their own benefit. Yes, they sacrificed for us--but they knew that going into it. Everyone who consciously chooses to have children knows they cost time and money, but they feel the benefits are 10x the cost. On the other hand, we don't choose to be born. We don't owe our parents anything because they chose to procreate and raise us.
It sounds cold...but it's the truth. If my parents need help one day, I will give them what I can--but not at the expense of my family.
This is exactly how I feel too
Now, the truth is, I have such close and loving relationships with my kids that they WILL want to help me if/when I ever get too incapitated to take care of myself. But I'm not planning on that being my "retirement plan", lol.
In fact, I'm planning on NOT having to have them take care of me by putting myself in a position NOW to be able to afford to have professionals take care of me if needed. I would never want to become a burden to my kids financially, physically or emotionally. I just do not get parents with an entitlement mentality when it comes to what their kids "owe" them. Mine owe me nothing. Anything they do for me will be because they want to, not because I make them feel obligated. And even then, I don't plan on letting them do a lot - they'll have their own families to worry about raising and launching off into the world.
As a disclaimer, I would take care of my parents if they needed it, because I love them. I'd take care of anyone I loved, friend or family, if I was physically/emotionally/financially capable.
That being said, I do not think that anyone should ever feel OBLIGATED to do so. Our parents chose to have us, for their own benefit. Yes, they sacrificed for us--but they knew that going into it. Everyone who consciously chooses to have children knows they cost time and money, but they feel the benefits are 10x the cost. On the other hand, we don't choose to be born. We don't owe our parents anything because they chose to procreate and raise us.
It sounds cold...but it's the truth. If my parents need help one day, I will give them what I can--but not at the expense of my family.
I actually do feel obligated to care for my parents, if & when they should be in need, but I feel they should be equally obligated to be as responsible as possible today, to ensure that their needs don't come at the expense of my family's. My parents can still do this, but they choose not to because it means changing their lifestyle.
I actually do feel obligated to care for my parents, if & when they should be in need, but I feel they should be equally obligated to be as responsible as possible today, to ensure that their needs don't come at the expense of my family's. My parents can still do this, but they choose not to because it means changing their lifestyle.
robee, just wondering...does your sense of obligation to your parents come from your own moral, ethical code or from their insistence throughout your entire life by them that you owe them? Is it possible they are manipulating you into feeling this sense of obligation?
I did a google search on ailing parents and am thankful this forum popped up . I appreciate the discussion here and it has helped me in my thought process of how to handle my situation . I have a parent who made bad choices in lifestyle and financially . I was never allowed to have access or voice any opinion to any decisions made in my parent's life and I was told " Mind my own business " or " This is my life and I'll live it the way I want to " , however ; now that my parent is terminally ill and financially disadvantaged I've been told I need to pitch in to help the financial situation . I too have minor children and in these economic times am trying to keep my family afloat . What disgusts me is I was pretty much told to buzz off and stay out of my parent's life while told to sit back and watch them willingly self destruct ; but now I'm asked to shoulder the burden for decisions I didn't make . What ever happened to personal responsibility and owning your actions ? Your parents teach you that but then an asterisk shows up at the end of that sentence when it comes to an ailing parent who needs help due to the fact they willingly chose to make bad decisions . I apologize if I sound bitter but ; would you willingly hand money to your minor children knowing they are going to harm their quality of life and have them tell you it's none of your business what they do with their life ? Why is it okay for a parent to do it ? I'm sorry if I rambled but I'm very conflicted as to how to deal with this scenerio . I never want to be a burden to my children and have told my adult child to never feel obligated to sacrifice my future grandchildren's quality of life to support me . That being said I try to be responsible enough to not allow that to happen and have made arrangements to deter it .
I did this for 13 long hard years. I worked all night while H was home with the parents. I took them to the doc/therapy/shopping and held down the day shift. So this comes from the perspective of one who did take these responsibilities seriously.
In retrospect and with 20/20 hindsight, I wouldn't do it again. I lost all those years of my life and I don't think it was good for my parents either. They had no social life or interaction with anyone. They would have complained bitterly but they would have been better off in assisted living where they could have had activities and been around other people. Old and lonely isn't a good place to be. I could do what had to be done to maintain my parents but I couldn't give them a full life. After all, I had to sleep sometime.
I survived but it wasn't good for me. H survived and it wasn't good for him. My parents died and it wasn't a good life for them either. We all lost.
I work in a LTC/Rehab facility and I see it all everyday, the elderly patients who have that attitude: I put them into this world, they owe me! to the proud, stubborn, determined types that say: I would never, ever be a burden to my children in any form or shape!
An 85 YO patient broke her hip, her single son begged and pleaded with her to move to Laguna Beach, CA and live in his spacious house with him and told her she wouldn't ever be a burden to him. She wouldn't hear of it! She told me she loved her son dearly but was headed back to her home to live with her dog. And from there? To a nursing home where she could be around her own people.
It just blows me away to see some of these selfish parents, with their cellphones, calling their children all hours of the day and night complaining about everything and anything, demanding they drop everything and race to the facility at 3 in the morning or the very first thing the next morning or pleading with them to take them to their homes. Yikes!
Who's a truly loving parent and who is not?
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