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I've been with my girlfriend over 2 years and I'm having a bit of a problem. I always date pretty and very confident (sometimes too much) women. They were all a pain in the end but atleast they were focused and knew what they wanted. I love my girlfriend and normally we have a great time together but she has moments where she has absolutely no confidence. She seems confident around others but around me she get's so afraid to trust her own judgment it gets frustrating. To me all I need is honesty and sincerity. Sometimes if you have a problem in a relationship thats all you need. But she'll turn a small problem that she can easily solve into an ordeal. And when I explain what she could've done to easily resolve it, she gets all depressed and attacks herself for not seeing it before. Then I can't do anything but watch and wait for her to get out of that state or spend a lot of time talking until she understands that she can become more aware and confident with a little effort. I don't know what else to do. Usually my problem is just keeping up with strong personalities, but now I'm in love with someone who continuously doubts herself for no apparent reason. Mind you she was very confident when we started dating, just a little naive and unsure of her potential. She's a great person who clearly loves me as much as I love her but I'm finding it difficult to be around her whenever she gets in that state. Be a girlfriend and take care of the man you love and expect the same. That's all I really want. A little perspective goes a long way. So much can be solved by placing yourself in your lovers shoes but since I'm the only one who does it, it gets a frustrating. If she were more confident she would know to trust her own feelings and use what she knows about me to resolve any issues we have.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Print this up and give it to her. Be confident yourself in your honesty with her. That would be a good example for her. I know I'd appreciate this kind of honesty from my man if I were behaving this way. Without it, how could she realize what she's dealing with and what real chance does she have of fixing it?
People put up fronts. Maybe she was never really confident to start with and because she is now comfortable with revealing herself to you, she is showing her true state of insecurities. If she is simply going through a tough time or making a tough life decision, it might be just temporary, in which case you should support her patiently. Get her over this hump. I'm sure she'd do the same for you.
Print this up and give it to her. Be confident yourself in your honesty with her. That would be a good example for her. I know I'd appreciate this kind of honesty from my man if I were behaving this way. Without it, how could she realize what she's dealing with and what real chance does she have of fixing it?
Believe me I'm always honest with her. Sometimes too much. If she read this she'd feel more down because she'll feel she can't compare to the girls I dated before. I've told her how I feel about it and she'll get worse, then after a long talk she agrees to try harder. Then she'll relapse and start again.
Quote:
People put up fronts. Maybe she was never really confident to start with and because she is now comfortable with revealing herself to you, she is showing her true state of insecurities. If she is simply going through a tough time or making a tough life decision, it might be just temporary, in which case you should support her patiently. Get her over this hump. I'm sure she'd do the same for you.
Oh I already know this. Her naive attitude is fading, and she is seeing the way the world really is. Now she doesn't feel too confident in how she can handle things. The other problem is me. I have a strong personality, I always know what I want and I act as there is always a solution to every problem. She sometimes feels inferior to me and puts herself down like she doesn't deserve me. I of course argue against this and reassure her we all have traits about ourselves we need to work on. It's usually a hit or miss with these conversation.
Print this up and give it to her. Be confident yourself in your honesty with her. That would be a good example for her. I know I'd appreciate this kind of honesty from my man if I were behaving this way. Without it, how could she realize what she's dealing with and what real chance does she have of fixing it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kagami46
Believe me I'm always honest with her. Sometimes too much. If she read this she'd feel more down because she'll feel she can't compare to the girls I dated before. I've told her how I feel about it and she'll get worse, then after a long talk she agrees to try harder. Then she'll relapse and start again.
Even before I read the responses I was going to say exactly the same as Whyte Byrd. Your comeback is self-defeating. The problem you two have is lack of communication and I'm betting that it's a two way street and not as skewed in your favor as you believe. You even come off on this thread as having a bit of a "holier than thou" attitude and for someone on the receiving end with even a smidgeon of self-doubt that can be most oppressive. But there is nothing unusual about that at all!
A two year investment in a relationship shouldn't be taken lightly but now is probably the time to address the problem before it escalates (as it surely will if you either just ignore it or look for help on a relationship forum such as this). If both of you realize you have a communication problem but genuinely want to see if it can be resolved then look for a qualified counselor who can work with you both. If that's not an option then the obvious thing is to separate. Good luck!
Even before I read the responses I was going to say exactly the same as Whyte Byrd. Your comeback is self-defeating. The problem you two have is lack of communication and I'm betting that it's a two way street and not as skewed in your favor as you believe. You even come off on this thread as having a bit of a "holier than thou" attitude and for someone on the receiving end with even a smidgeon of self-doubt that can be most oppressive. But there is nothing unusual about that at all!
A two year investment in a relationship shouldn't be taken lightly but now is probably the time to address the problem before it escalates (as it surely will if you either just ignore it or look for help on a relationship forum such as this). If both of you realize you have a communication problem but genuinely want to see if it can be resolved then look for a qualified counselor who can work with you both. If that's not an option then the obvious thing is to separate. Good luck!
[mod cut] My response to Whyte Byrd comes from the fact that I already tried the brutally honest approach and it had more of a negative affect than a positive one. She doesn't take it as information that can help her but as a certainty that she will fail. I communicate thoroughly in every situation and sometimes I've paid for it. I would sit and give her all the time she needs to respond but I'd rarely get any words out of her when she's in that state.
Also ofcourse I'm not RELYING on this forum for help. It's a long process that I haven't given up on, but I see no problem with also seeking viewpoints elsewhere. I already considered a counselor and I have no intention of ending the relationship until all other means have been tried.
Last edited by yankeegirl313; 07-05-2010 at 10:02 AM..
I had similar girlfriends. Problem with people who put themselves down is that you start believing them and lose all respect for them.
On the other hand, this is a reflex a lot of people have. She won't change overnight so you should modify your approach when you provide her with solutions to her "ordeals".
The effort might be worth it. Tell yourself that your solution would probably be ignored and brushed off by an overconfident woman and that can be annoying too.
Believe me I'm always honest with her. Sometimes too much. If she read this she'd feel more down because she'll feel she can't compare to the girls I dated before. I've told her how I feel about it and she'll get worse, then after a long talk she agrees to try harder. Then she'll relapse and start again.
Oh I already know this. Her naive attitude is fading, and she is seeing the way the world really is. Now she doesn't feel too confident in how she can handle things. The other problem is me. I have a strong personality, I always know what I want and I act as there is always a solution to every problem. She sometimes feels inferior to me and puts herself down like she doesn't deserve me. I of course argue against this and reassure her we all have traits about ourselves we need to work on. It's usually a hit or miss with these conversation.
There's your problem (and hers).
I'm guessing she feels this way because:
a) you live in a small town & she knows most or all of the girls you have dated.
b) you have told her about the types of girls you have previously dated.
c) you consistently remind her of the types of girls you have dated & compare her to them.
PS: I'm with STT regarding your holier than thou attitude. Your OP do come off that way
I'm sorry but you don't know what you're talking about. My response to Whyte Byrd comes from the fact that I already tried the brutally honest approach and it had more of a negative affect than a positive one. She doesn't take it as information that can help her but as a certainty that she will fail. I communicate thoroughly in every situation and sometimes I've paid for it. I would sit and give her all the time she needs to respond but I'd rarely get any words out of her when she's in that state.
Let me give you some old guy advice that I've learned over the years. First the Brutally Honest approach is not always the way to go. There are a lot of things we've all done in our past that no one needs to know about unless you're contemplating marriage. What did Jack Nicholson say "The truth ? You can't handle the truth."
So in dealing with women (and people) always remember
1. Timing is everything. If you got something to say, say it at the right time and location that is best for you.
2. Most importantly, everything you want to say and do is about how you present the issue. You can word something one way that is destructive or said correctly is taken totally positive. It's all in the presentation.
3. Many young women thrive on drama. Hopefully by the time they are 30 this trait is minimized. Be selective in the drama you give her to deal with, your job is to be the voice of logic and calmness. This is where you learn wisdom and lessons in your 20's that helps later in life.
4. Don't be needy. The power in life is the ability to walkaway. If you come off as desperate, she has all the control. If you let her control your relationship 100% you could end up as one of those very sad husbands who has no spine.
Our oldest son came home from college and was telling his Mom these college stories guys have. I had to pull him aside and tell him that he could tell me but his mom does not need to hear or have the worry. I can understand stupid guy stuff, many women cannot.
So if there is something you feel the need to disclose to your SO, ask yourself if she really needs to know.
As you get older and deal with more real women (not little girls) you will gain the confidence and wisdom on the art of woman. Some men never learn so pay attention to your mistakes and what sets her off.
If your relationship is more work and drama then you can deal with don't be afraid to move on. There are a lot of drama free stable women in this world and you don't want to be stuck with a Psyco in your life for the next 50 years.
Sounds to me that your reaction is feeding into her lack of confidence. Stop telling her how she should or could have done things... just let her do her own thing... thats how you learn and build confidence. If you tell her that what she's done could have been different, easier, better ... of course she's going to lose her confidence. Just because she talks to you about things doesnt mean she's asking for your advice, but maybe just venting. Let her vent and move on. You seem to be actually creating/contributing to her lack of confidence with your "advice" There are a lot of ways to do things and your way isnt necessarily the best for everyone. Let her fail and dig herself out a few times without you .. thats when she'll gain confidence.
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