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Believe me I'm always honest with her. Sometimes too much. If she read this she'd feel more down because she'll feel she can't compare to the girls I dated before. I've told her how I feel about it and she'll get worse, then after a long talk she agrees to try harder. Then she'll relapse and start again.
Here's an idea: Stop criticizing her.
Oh, you may see it as "being honest," but when you say "too much," that means you're talking more than you should.
Instead of telling her what she could have done, tell her that you see why she did it her way. Then shut up.
Instead of talking with her about things she did wrong, notice and praise the things she does right. Then shut up.
Instead of comparing her to other women you've dated, take her as an individual on her own merits. Then shut up.
Do you see a pattern here?
If you can't encourage her, and you can't find the good things about her to support and praise--say it with me--then shut up.
With the last few posts in mind, precisely why professional intervention very often helps in these sorts of situations where communication glitches are key. If two years of "effort" on your part haven't accomplished anything then why baulk at the suggestion of a professional approach? Hope you can get it all sorted out.
Wow alot to respond to, here goes. First of all I'm 26 and she is 21 since I already know assuming only teenagers have these problems can happen.
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I had similar girlfriends. Problem with people who put themselves down is that you start believing them and lose all respect for them.
On the other hand, this is a reflex a lot of people have. She won't change overnight so you should modify your approach when you provide her with solutions to her "ordeals".
The effort might be worth it. Tell yourself that your solution would probably be ignored and brushed off by an overconfident woman and that can be annoying too.
I agree that the easiest thing most people chose is to believe them and get rid of her. But I don't believe her. I beleive she is much stronger than she thinks and I tell her everyday.
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There's your problem (and hers).
I'm guessing she feels this way because:
a) you live in a small town & she knows most or all of the girls you have dated.
b) you have told her about the types of girls you have previously dated.
c) you consistently remind her of the types of girls you have dated & compare her to them.
PS: I'm with STT regarding your holier than thou attitude. Your OP do come off that way
The answer is neither. But we did go to the same school and she met my ex gf when we were still dating. About a year later I started dating her. I tell her all the time she beautiful and stronger. Her problem lies in her lack of confidence in her own choices.
Oh and Rakin, great overall advice for relationships. I'll keep it in mind.
Sounds to me that your reaction is feeding into her lack of confidence. Stop telling her how she should or could have done things... just let her do her own thing... thats how you learn and build confidence. If you tell her that what she's done could have been different, easier, better ... of course she's going to lose her confidence. Just because she talks to you about things doesnt mean she's asking for your advice, but maybe just venting. Let her vent and move on. You seem to be actually creating/contributing to her lack of confidence with your "advice" There are a lot of ways to do things and your way isnt necessarily the best for everyone. Let her fail and dig herself out a few times without you .. thats when she'll gain confidence.
See the main problem is I DO let her do her own thing and she does nothing. She afraid to make a choice as I stated before. Countless hours have been wasted with me leaving her alone to make a decision. If I suggest something kindly she'll get depressed that she didn't think of it herself. Your advice suggests that she has the confidence to act and I simply keep her from acting with my explanation. Sorry not the case. My common statement to her is "I'd rather you try and fail then never try at all. You'll learn from your failure's and as a result fail less."
Sorry Avienne, pointing out one line and ignoring the rest makes your response irelevant.
When I say "maybe too much" I mean that I say what I worry about and what I'm afraid might happen if we continue like this. I want someone I can talk to freely and not worry so much about them using it against themselves. I treat her every way use assume I didn't. Stop trying to be witty and please try and understand the situation. Only then will your response be appreciated.
Thanks STT Resident, I'm confident that it will work out. I'm trying to get her to look at herself the way I see her. So she can know to stop worrying and enjoy what we have.
Ummm Raena, she's not hormonal. I've seen it and I know what you mean. It aint pretty.
The answer is neither. But we did go to the same school and she met my ex gf when we were still dating. About a year later I started dating her. I tell her all the time she beautiful and stronger. Her problem lies in her lack of confidence in her own choices.
Oh and Rakin, great overall advice for relationships. I'll keep it in mind.
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Originally Posted by Kagami46
See the main problem is I DO let her do her own thing and she does nothing. She afraid to make a choice as I stated before. Countless hours have been wasted with me leaving her alone to make a decision. If I suggest something kindly she'll get depressed that she didn't think of it herself. Your advice suggests that she has the confidence to act and I simply keep her from acting with my explanation. Sorry not the case. My common statement to her is "I'd rather you try and fail then never try at all. You'll learn from your failure's and as a result fail less."
Sorry Avienne, pointing out one line and ignoring the rest makes your response irelevant.
When I say "maybe too much" I mean that I say what I worry about and what I'm afraid might happen if we continue like this. I want someone I can talk to freely and not worry so much about them using it against themselves. I treat her every way use assume I didn't. Stop trying to be witty and please try and understand the situation. Only then will your response be appreciated.
Thanks STT Resident, I'm confident that it will work out. I'm trying to get her to look at herself the way I see her. So she can know to stop worrying and enjoy what we have.
Ummm Raena, she's not hormonal. I've seen it and I know what you mean. It aint pretty.
Given your know-it-all attitude and the way you've shot down every suggestion made to you, she'd be right to doubt her choices all right--her choice in being with you.
You're entirely too paternalistic and snotty. I can only imagine what you sound like when you talk to her.
The best thing you can do for her is leave her alone. No 21-year-old woman with confidence issues needs some ignorant, bossy 26-year-old telling her how to be and what to do. I feel bad for her.
You say you want someone you can talk to freely, and yet here you are on an anonymous message board fighting everyone who says something to you. That tells me that what you REALLY want is someone who you can tell what to do, who will always agree with you, and who is willing to kowtow to you.
Do her a favor and break up with her. You're heading down a path of emotional abuse, and she can do a lot better than you. Any woman could.
Ok I'll explain what I mean. For example: If I see her in a bad mood the first thing I want to know is why. I may or may not need to ask her depending on the situation. If I'm the cause then I have to first make amends, followed by cheering her up. If I'm not the cause then I can go straight to cheering her up. This all depends on me using what I know about her and using my confidence to walk into a minefield and come out unscathed. Any better? Kinda hard to explain.
Given your know-it-all attitude and the way you've shot down every suggestion made to you, she'd be right to doubt her choices all right--her choice in being with you.
You're entirely too paternalistic and snotty. I can only imagine what you sound like when you talk to her.
The best thing you can do for her is leave her alone. No 21-year-old woman with confidence issues needs some ignorant, bossy 26-year-old telling her how to be and what to do. I feel bad for her.
You say you want someone you can talk to freely, and yet here you are on an anonymous message board fighting everyone who says something to you. That tells me that what you REALLY want is someone who you can tell what to do, who will always agree with you, and who is willing to kowtow to you.
Do her a favor and break up with her. You're heading down a path of emotional abuse, and she can do a lot better than you. Any woman could.
Given your know-it-all attitude and the way you've shot down every suggestion made to you, she'd be right to doubt her choices all right--her choice in being with you.
You're entirely too paternalistic and snotty. I can only imagine what you sound like when you talk to her.
The best thing you can do for her is leave her alone. No 21-year-old woman with confidence issues needs some ignorant, bossy 26-year-old telling her how to be and what to do. I feel bad for her.
You say you want someone you can talk to freely, and yet here you are on an anonymous message board fighting everyone who says something to you. That tells me that what you REALLY want is someone who you can tell what to do, who will always agree with you, and who is willing to kowtow to you.
Do her a favor and break up with her. You're heading down a path of emotional abuse, and she can do a lot better than you.
Ok Avienne, getting angry doesn't help your suggestion become more useful. First if you read the posts like I suggested, you'd see that I did not shoot down every suggestion. Only those with blind assumptions. Sorry I don't sound snotty even though you clearly picture me that way. I've been told how helpful I am by everyone I know and that I have a calm understanding tone. Yes you sure know what a 21 year old with confidence issues needs. You see my previous responses as fighting but to me they are responses used to clearify the situation. I'm looking for someone who understands the situation to tell me something I didn't already think of and I recieved a couple excluding your responses. Thank you for pointing out my clearly emotionally abusive ways and lack of concern for my girlfriend.
Here's the problem with women like that. For the entire length of your relationship, you'll be running around catching the figurative balls she throws up in the air.
You will not be able to utter a single unguarded sentence because she'll read the wrong things into whatever you say. You will spend extraordinary amounts of time and energy simply propping her up. You will essentially have to become a parent to a woman who cannot function on her own in life. Your life will be a living hell without your even realizing it.
Two things to think about here. One, you can't fix a SO. She can only fix herself. The second thing to consider is that she might simply be manipulating you through passive aggressiveness.
Trust me. You don't want to be that guy.
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