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Hi, I recently got married in March and we are already having problems. The thing is that my husband is very controlling, jelous, and insecure. I did see signs before our marraige but he is getting worst. He is a very handsome man and i never done anything for him not to trust me so i dont know why he is so insecure. I love this man and he will do literally anything for me but the controlling part of him is driving me away. He tells me what to wear, how to wear my hair, where i can and cannot go, as if im a child or something. He has become verbally abusive and recently got physical with me and i called the polce. He went to jail, none of his family would bail him out, after about a week the judge let him out and i haven't heard from him. He told his mother that he could not contact me because of the order of protection until we go back to court and thats still a month away. I feel as though he could call and apologize for what he did if he really cared. I do not regret calling the police on him at all, he got the wrong girl this time. I do want to leave him. I want for him to get some help for his temper. Should I give him a chance to redeam himself or just let this go. Im still upset cause he hasent called.
I know what you're feeling. I dated a man for 6 months before the verbal/emotional abuse started. He never touched me, but he threatened me daily. For the next 2 years (6 months of which we were no longer officially together) he told me how ugly I was, how childish I was, how everything was my fault, that I wasn't good enough for anything...etc. He controlled everything that we did, that I thought, that I wanted. He made me think that I was worthless and nobody would ever want me. I cried every day because of how he would make me feel. Eventually he told me we were on a "break". He knew that I wouldn't know what to do and would still have to see him everyday. It was this sort of limbo that was the most torturous. I thought he loved me and I loved him, so I couldn't move on. Seeing him daily made it even worse because he would charm me, then knock me down harder than ever. It was this abuse that led to a terrible sense of self esteem and a belief that I was scum. Eventually I started dating, which infuriated him, but I was dating people who were worse than he was. Take it from me, if you forgive them, give them chances, they will take it and hurt you again...and again...and again. Eventually you won't know any better and think this is what you deserve and it's your life. You'll get it in your head that they love you and you love them and this will eventually end if you give them the chance. Don't do it. You'll lose your sense of self and it will take YEARS to get even part of what you had before meeting him back. It's been 8 years for me and I'm still having problems. I'm emotionally scarred and it will never quite go away. Luckily, I managed to meet a man who REALLY loved me and helped build me back up again. I'm married now and happy. It took me 5 years to get out of my funk and find someone who would actually care about me. A long time if you ask me! I'll pray for you...this is a terrible situation to be in. Good luck and think things through before giving him the chance!
One more thing...don't get caught up in the "not calling" thing. It's a good chance that he's not calling you because he knows this will get to you. If he can't see you because of the protection thing, this means he can't be there to hit you and knock you down. By not calling he's keeping you on edge, thinking about him, and in a sense he's still controlling you. He's causing you pain without having to do anything. Guys like this are ruthless and take pleasure in knowing they have you wrapped around their finger, even when they're not there. When you get to the hearing in a month, pretend like you haven't missed him for a day, that him not being there and not calling you has been the biggest relief of your life. Act HAPPY. Watch how it makes him react and you'll have your answer as to whether or not he has changed. Trust me, he'll be angry and you will have learned something huge.
Thanks alot for your advice, I have left messages on his voice mail to call me cause hes out on the street, his family wont let him stay with them. I was just feeling sorry for him, but i wont call anymore, he hasen't returned my calls anyway. Just like you said he knows what hes doing. Where do men like him come from? Never met anyone as mean as him in my life, i never thought this could happen to me.
I never thought it would happen to me either. I'm a very compassionate person. I think there's certain people who see that deep seated compassion and know that you'll care for them no matter what. They know you give things chances. Despite what Eric did to me, I still trust people and love people, but I'm much more cautious now. A term that was drilled into me by my church as I was recovering was "Guard your Heart". I did that and I found love...real love. :-) I think that people like Eric, like your husband, have that bully complex. The only way they will feel better, is if they make someone else worse than them. I never thought this would happen to me either. You were lucky though. You made a good decision getting out of it when you did and you haven't been dealing with the verbal/emtional abuse for long. You will recover well. Be careful with jumping into another relationship...learn to love yourself and you won't fall into another relationship like the one you're in now. :-)
your right, people like him seek out woman like us cause they know we have a good heart and will tolerate their bs that most woman wont. I know imma good woman and i stand behind my man no matter what, but it has to be the right man, and hes not it. Im smarter than to be with someone thats hurting me. He never liked the fact that i am a smart person, he never valued my opinion and thats not a healthy relationship. I just dont understand why he would marry me knowing he wasen't going to treat me right. And this marriage was his idea,he asked me to marry him.
Men like him don't think about "love" in a sense of what normal people do. They dominate, control, and make their women subservient to them. That's what they want. He must have thought that you would take it, but he was wrong. He didn't know that you would fight back. He should have taken your smarts into consideration when deciding to marry you. If he'd considered that, maybe he would have thought twice about hitting you and abusing you. All it got him was a divorce (I hope!) and a week in jail and a mar on his criminal record. :-) He inadvertantly gave you a new life and ruined his. Karma.
ha, thats funny, he should have thought twice. Im hoping that when we go to court that i could ask for an anullment or divorce right then and there. Yeah and now he will have domestic violence to add to his record of felonies, ha, good for him. TTUsoon. Getting off work going home to relax. Until next time take care. And thank you!
He may not be calling you because he has an iota of intelligence. If there is a protection order, it probably bars him from contacting you. So, if he called, he would be in violation of that, which would be another charge.
Also, if his family isn't taking him in, aaahhh, that is a pretty big red flag in my opinion. All families are different, but I know in mine, if I was living on the street after something tragic, that I could turn to my sibilings, parents and even some more distant relatives.
And lastly. If he did hit you. He needs therapy/counseling and you need to let him go. If he changes, go for him, if he doesn't, you don't need to be there the next time his fist or hand go flying. Hopefully you don't have any children and it can be as clean a break as possible. And, next time, if he does try and hit you or gets physically abusive otherwise, remember nose, throat, groin. I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
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