My marriage needs a lot of help...(long) (wife, woman, loyalty)

[felicitev21]

My husband says he loves me but is not in love with me anymore. He does not know if he wants to continue to be together or if he wants us to be apart. I still love him the same but I am certainly not going to force him to be with me. He says that his feelings have changed and he does not believe that he will feel "in love" with me ever again. I am very depressed here, in this relationship every day trying my hardest to be a perfect wife and give him all my love, and every day I get nothing back. I just feel so empty but I don't want to give up. Our parents on both sides want us to work it out, which I want also, but like I said it cannot be a one sided decision. We are trying to work it out, but it is not going too well. He said if we end up not being together he still wants the "perks" aka sex, friendship, what have you. So a part of me thinks he just wants me in his life but he does not want to be committed to me. I said it is all or nothing. If we are not together I need to cry over him then move on. I want to be married and have someone to enjoy my life with. I'm way beyond having multiple lovers.....We have been fighting a whole lot, basically caused by our financial situation, and I think that is a big part of what caused his feelings to change. Counseling is not an option as we cannot afford it. Sorry, I guess I'm sort of all over the place here. Just trying to include all the details. I have no clue where to even start to really fix our relationship, if that is even possible....

[hothulamaui]

re read what you wrote you already have all your answers. you can't fix something that takes two to fix if one party doesn't want to try. you are right not to let him have all the benefits of a relationship if he is not committed to you. make yourself happy, put yourself first. if he comes around he does. if not you will be better off starting a new life and finding someone who really loves you. good luck

[yankeegirl313]

You didn`t say how long you both have been married, but I guess that doesn`t really matter, especially if he says he no longer loves you.
Wow! What a shoot to the heart huh?
I wouldn`t try to make something work, that is not there, and I definetly would not force it. It takes two, and he obviously has given up.
I don`t know what advice to give you, except to let him know how you feel, and if thats not enough, move on!

[WyoNewk]

First let me say I'm sorry. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. But you can get through this and have a very happy life.

You still left out a lot of important information, but I'm going to guess that you're fairly young, haven't been married for long and you have no children. Correct me if I'm wrong.

If that's the case, I think you do what maui suggested.

If your husband said this in a fit of rage, he might not have thought it through, and you might get past your troubles. But if rage is common for him, you're better without him anyway.

On the other hand, if this was during a calm discussion, it was probably hard for him say it but something he feels strongly about. These things do happen. He **probably** wishes the truth was otherwise, but he's just lost that lovin feelin. It's also very possible that he's met someone else.

No matter how I look at it, I think you're better off letting him go, if that's what he wants. You have a long life ahead of you, and you don't want to be married to someone who is not in love with you. And when it's over, it should be OVER. COMPLETELY.

Feelings can change, whether we want them to or not, and that goes both ways. A couple years from now he might feel totally in love with you, while you'll want nothing to do with him.

Thankfully, it must be a decision made by you, your husband, or the two of you together. But you asked what to do, so there are my thoughts.

I've experienced the other side of the coin. I nearly went through with it (marriage), but I just wasn't "in love" with her. In my case I'd lost a loving partner/wife a short time before meeting this gal. I didn't think I'd ever love anyone again but thought I could make this gal happy just because she felt so strongly about me. I cared very much for her, but I couldn't make myself fall in love with her, and I knew I couldn't make her happy unless I really did. She deserved someone who loved her deeply, and I wanted the chance to love someone deeply again. I made a tough but rational decision to end it, and I don't think there's anything she could have done to change my mind.

If there are kids in the picture, that changes things.

[felicitev21]

Yeah, we have children. Three of them. But yes, we are fairly young and haven't been married too long, four years to be exact. *Technically* my oldest is not his child, but her blood father is not in the picture, and the hubby now has been involved in her life since she was a baby, and she looks to him as her father-just to clarify, I certainly didn't pop out three kids in under four years, lol. Of course I have the same dream that I think most people have, to have a loving family with the parents together, but I don't feel it's worth it if the parents are not happy together...then you have the dilemma of how are the kids going to think and feel being between two people, two houses, two lives, etc. It's definitely not easy.

[hothulamaui]

hugs for you, no it isn't easy but you also do not want the kids raised in a house without love between the parents. kids are smart they would rather have two happy parents living apart then two unhappy living together. unhappy is no way to live a life.

[ladybug07]

Girl I am exactly in the same situation. I need to do the same thing, but grow a backbone. Sounds like he is doing like my husband is doing....just going through the motions and not really working on it. He wants you to do what he wants you to do. Run. Take my advice and get on with your life no matter how hard it is. I'm trying to do the same thing and it sucks because we have 2 kids, but I am becoming a stronger person because of it.
Think about your kids and what type of examle your setting for them of what marraige is. I cannot stand to be around my husband right now, but at this point I am the only one who can do anything about it. What sucks even more is when your oldest comes to you and says "if Daddy is mean to you again, come sleep in my room and I will protect you". Just really think about what your kids are seeing and feeling.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by felicitev21

My husband says he loves me but is not in love with me anymore. He does not know if he wants to continue to be together or if he wants us to be apart. I still love him the same but I am certainly not going to force him to be with me. He says that his feelings have changed and he does not believe that he will feel "in love" with me ever again. I am very depressed here, in this relationship every day trying my hardest to be a perfect wife and give him all my love, and every day I get nothing back. I just feel so empty but I don't want to give up. Our parents on both sides want us to work it out, which I want also, but like I said it cannot be a one sided decision. We are trying to work it out, but it is not going too well. He said if we end up not being together he still wants the "perks" aka sex, friendship, what have you. So a part of me thinks he just wants me in his life but he does not want to be committed to me. I said it is all or nothing. If we are not together I need to cry over him then move on. I want to be married and have someone to enjoy my life with. I'm way beyond having multiple lovers.....We have been fighting a whole lot, basically caused by our financial situation, and I think that is a big part of what caused his feelings to change. Counseling is not an option as we cannot afford it. Sorry, I guess I'm sort of all over the place here. Just trying to include all the details. I have no clue where to even start to really fix our relationship, if that is even possible....

First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of love in your life. You have loved and given of yourself to someone who, for whatever reason, has not reciprocated. That is deeply painful, and you deserve all the empathy we can muster.

At this point, what you deserve and need most of all is truth. For that allows you to make the necessary decisions to move forward with your life. Here are the truths based on what you've described.

1) A person who says, "I love you but am not in love with you" does not love you at all. It's an empty phrase cooked up by some shallow nitwit to let jilted spouses and lovers down easily. He doesn't love you. I'm sorry.

2) He will never come back to you. Again, this is a harsh truth. But, at the same time, it is a liberating one. Because, if you accept it, it will mean that you are not jumping through endless hoops to gain his love back. Even if you did, it would be on his terms, not yours.

3) He wants the perks of sex and friendship. People in Hell want ice water, too. Sex and friendship are based on trust. He is undeserving of both.

4) Counseling is a waste of money and time. It will do nothing more than pour salt in the wound.

5) You have an entire life ahead of you. You also likely will find someone who actually values you for who you are. The sooner you break things off, the happier you will be

[LongIslandEddie]

Well said, happy to know that peer counciling works.

[LongIslandEddie]

Finding your post while browsing the comments, I read about your heartbreaking situation and was deeply moved.

You, are most likely going through the most painful time in your life. You are looking for an answer to the most important question in your life,
to go or to stay, to let your marriage go or to gather as much wisdom as you can and resolve yourself to turning the situation around.
If there is another woman in this picture, (and I suspect there is), it's only one aspect, but sadly, a strong influence when considering
your situation. When marriage is no longer "exciting" and filled or based upon mutual cooperation, fidelity and mostly, physical attraction,
whether husband or wife, we look for another person who serves to restore us, understand and in a fashion, "Loves" us. I've been in your
husband's shoes and there was much hidden in my own life, enough to know that there is surely much about your man that has'nt been
brought out on the table yet.

Unless you never really had too much in common, married in a fever pitch or were high school sweethearts, there must be a common ground,
whereupon you can come to an amicable accord, reach a happy medium. Is it a physical problem, him asking, you unresponsive? You speak of
money and how that has become a point of contention between you. Until you approach and converse together, your deepest thoughts, your
most practical argument and lay your cards on the table, you will continue to bear the heartache. If there ever was a flame that you both shared,
or that certifiable feeling of love that brought you together, it can be resurrected, brought to life again and even blossom. There are things,
(needs or maintenance ) that he needs (or thinks he needs), if he were a bull, it would be a new pasture in which to graze, but if he were a
Wall Street trader it could be a new firm or a higher position. find out what it is that he needs or wants in his life and give him every reason to
believe that together, you both can reach whatever agreement or compromise that it takes for each of you, whether together or apart, to find
the way to happiness.

I've been married for 45 years, my SO and I have been through the most strenuous of situations, my needs or her needs, but somehow,we were both
able to keep it in perspective, money never came between us, we had it, we shared it, money was never of much influence within our relationship.
My personal motivator for doing my part was not to fail at marriage but then, I am from another generation where loyalty and fidelity were ethics
that were more deeply ingrained within the contemporary lifestyle of our day than it seems to be today. There was always "common ground" that we could
reach because we had that common ground, whether the 5 children, the Cape Cod home, the many years, we always had a foundation, that point of
departure between what we thought that we wanted out of life and what we shared together in life. Sit with this man, your husband, keep hidden your hurt
or rage, be logical, composed, unaffected by emotion and try to guide his reasoning, things can always be worked out. Second childhood may have come early
for your husband, a condition of crisis within him that sets him searching for the happiness that he cannot find within the marriage. I feel strongly that it is a
physical thing that may be the impetus behind his "loving but not being in love" attitude.

For now, you'll hurt and whatever the outcome, you'll eventually heal and you'll pick up the pieces of your life no matter how far they've been scattered.
All that I can really say at this point (now that I've rambled on), is that I'll keep my fingers crossed while hoping for the best of resolutions that can be reached
and wishing you happiness and acceptance of whatever that resolution is.

Thank you for sharing your heartache.