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The subject of marriage isn't something we discuss often, but it has been brought up before. In the passed, *HE* has used the expressions, "At our wedding...." "I would hate for that to happen at our wedding...." Which would make anyone assume, that he in fact does plan to marry me some time in the future.
That said, we've been dating for a number of years now, and I'm planning to move across country with him this winter because of his job transfer.
Late one night we were eating some fine Italian cuisine (pizza) and watching a romance comedy (When Harry Met Sally), when I laughed and said, "I would HATE to wait that long to marry! So, when do you see us getting married?!" All in a very light-hearted joking manner, which we so often use.
But he kind of shrugged and his tone was serious and harsh, "I don't know."
I was shocked.... so out of curiosity, I pressed on.
"Wait, I'm not asking you to marry me right this second, I'm just asking if you ever see us getting married."
And he just looked at me, puzzled and said,
"I'm open to every possibility. Even if it's one where we don't end up together."
I didn't let him see my jaw hit the floor, but dropped the subject after that.
It wasn't a fight, but I went to bed feeling put off by his inability to even say, "Of course I would love to marry you, but you and I both know we're not ready yet. One step at a time."
And if that's NOT how he feels anymore, why wouldn't he come right out and tell me?
The subject of marriage isn't something we discuss often, but it has been brought up before. In the passed, *HE* has used the expressions, "At our wedding...." "I would hate for that to happen at our wedding...." Which would make anyone assume, that he in fact does plan to marry me some time in the future.
That said, we've been dating for a number of years now, and I'm planning to move across country with him this winter because of his job transfer.
Late one night we were eating some fine Italian cuisine (pizza) and watching a romance comedy (When Harry Met Sally), when I laughed and said, "I would HATE to wait that long to marry! So, when do you see us getting married?!" All in a very light-hearted joking manner, which we so often use.
But he kind of shrugged and his tone was serious and harsh, "I don't know."
I was shocked.... so out of curiosity, I pressed on.
"Wait, I'm not asking you to marry me right this second, I'm just asking if you ever see us getting married."
And he just looked at me, puzzled and said,
"I'm open to every possibility. Even if it's one where we don't end up together."
I didn't let him see my jaw hit the floor, but dropped the subject after that.
It wasn't a fight, but I went to bed feeling put off by his inability to even say, "Of course I would love to marry you, but you and I both know we're not ready yet. One step at a time."
And if that's NOT how he feels anymore, why wouldn't he come right out and tell me?
There's an old expression...
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
In other words, there's really no incentive for him (right now) in marrying you so why WOULD he be thinking about it?
I would think twice about uprooting yourself and moving across country without more of a committment from him.
So you are upset with his honesty? I try to always be ready for ANY answer when I ask a question on a touchy subject. I also try not to ask questions that I dont already have a pretty good idea of what the answer is going to be.
So you are upset with his honesty? I try to always be ready for ANY answer when I ask a question on a touchy subject. I also try not to ask questions that I dont already have a pretty good idea of what the answer is going to be.
Not his honesty, just the fact that this has been discussed before, and he had made it clear he plans to marry me. Yet, here we are months away from moving in together, and he's suddenly changed his mind? Even knowing that I am not ready to get married yet. Just seemed very odd to me.
I can see why you might be disappointed, but it sounds like you're waiting for him to set the course of your relationship.
I would recommend talking to him and telling him that you are marriage-minded. Maybe not now, but that it is what you are looking for in the future. Ask him if he feels the same way about marriage, in general. Ask him.
Sounds like a poorly placed joke on your part. Obviously he felt cornered by your question which caught him off guard. If you are planning on moving with him on his job transfer how will you support youself? Do you have a job lined up or will he be supporting you?
The subject of marriage isn't something we discuss often, but it has been brought up before. In the passed, *HE* has used the expressions, "At our wedding...." "I would hate for that to happen at our wedding...." Which would make anyone assume, that he in fact does plan to marry me some time in the future.
That said, we've been dating for a number of years now, and I'm planning to move across country with him this winter because of his job transfer.
Late one night we were eating some fine Italian cuisine (pizza) and watching a romance comedy (When Harry Met Sally), when I laughed and said, "I would HATE to wait that long to marry! So, when do you see us getting married?!" All in a very light-hearted joking manner, which we so often use.
But he kind of shrugged and his tone was serious and harsh, "I don't know."
I was shocked.... so out of curiosity, I pressed on.
"Wait, I'm not asking you to marry me right this second, I'm just asking if you ever see us getting married."
And he just looked at me, puzzled and said, "I'm open to every possibility. Even if it's one where we don't end up together."
I didn't let him see my jaw hit the floor, but dropped the subject after that.
It wasn't a fight, but I went to bed feeling put off by his inability to even say, "Of course I would love to marry you, but you and I both know we're not ready yet. One step at a time."
And if that's NOT how he feels anymore, why wouldn't he come right out and tell me?
Ouch...I would have felt the same dissapointment. Seems like mixed signals. It seems to me he certainly sees you in his future, but for whatever reason did not respond well to a direct question about it.
I think I would let it go without pushing or inquiring for a while. But if he uses "our wedding" in conversation again you could use that moment to open up a casual conversation about it.
As for moving across country, I would think about holding off until he is sure about marriage.
My bottom line would be that if is is open to the possiblility of NOT being together, I'd be hesitant to move myself across the country to fit into his life while he's on the fence. It's just my opinion but I'd want a commitment in ring or proposal form before I did that.
Ain't no way in hell I'd move anywhere with that man.
You are a "number of years" into your relationship. If he's open to the idea of breaking up at this stage, he's not open to the idea of marriage or any other kind of commitment.
He should know by now if he wants to marry you, especially because you've made your desire clear. Crap or get off the pot.
You both have made off-handed comments but it doesn't sound like you both have actually sat down and had a serious conversation about what you expect going forward in your relationship. Men don't read minds and women think they do. LOL You have to be clear. If he made some kind of comment about "our wedding", maybe he didn't necessarily mean you and him LOL (kidding).
But, all kidding aside, it sounds like you both have unanswered questions and the only way to figure things out (especially because you're moving) is to sit down and talk like adults.
This is interesting to me. Men are somehow allowed to make references to marriage "jokingly," but when the female does it, she is "cornering" him. (Sexism lives!)
I agree with the majority here in that you absolutely should not move with this man across the country unless you don't care whether or not he's committed to you. It sounds as though you do care. Also, you've already given him the upper hand -- moving to be with him gives him two upper hands. In my experience, good men don't really want the upper hand. It's just too easy to take advantage of someone, and men like a challenge. Think about how you might be able to get some of your power back -- how can you entice him to make a move TOWARD you rather than away from you? Otherwise, things aren't going to get any better than they currently are.
Good luck!
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