Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
There's a man I met through my profession who I've known for two years, mainly as a friend and fellow writer. He has all of the right stuff, so to speak. He's devastatingly handsome, loves his profession (as do I), financially secure, not in a pile of debt -- but he's also not a money-chaser. We're on the same page politically, spiritually and have markedly similar tastes in almost everything from food to books, movies, music and even lifestyle, such as where and how we like to live (urban) and interior decor. He's expressed interest in getting to know me better, and I'm ... well, I'm flattered. I looked at the most important character traits that I seek in a prospective mate, and he has almost all of them, right down the line.
Except ... he has two elementary-school aged children, both boys. Good kids, no behavioral problems, good relationship with both parents.
I'm trying not to make this a dealbreaker, but every time I contemplate the prospect of a LT relationship or marriage to a man with children, I balk. I love children and really enjoy their company in small doses. I just babysat for my goddaughter this weekend, and while it was fun, this is not something that I care to repeat every weekend, because I got seriously behind on work. It was extremely draining by Day Three.
I might see myself married to someone with children, as long as there were very firm rules in place as to my involvement. I'm not sure how fair this is to the guy in question, though. I understand that with children in the picture, there is a need to be flexible. Also, not having met the children, I don't know what his parenting style is like. I was raised in an authoritarian household, and I strongly believe this method is the best, at least until the kids enter their teen years. None of this "parent as pal" or "let the kids choose" nonsense.
Is there ever a right time to talk about these things with someone? I don't even know how to bring it up. It sounds so cold to say, "You're perfect, except for that single dad thing." I dunno. I should express my concerns, but ... when?
Thoughts?
Express your concerns???
What do you expect him to do - say, oh, well, now that I know that the fact I'm a dad bothers you I'll go drown my kids immediately?
PLEASE.
The ONLY thing to do at this point is tell him goodbye. If he's a real man and a good dad he deserves someone with a maternal bone in her body.
That fact you aren't interested in kids would be doing him a huge disservice if you continued to see him or let things go further.
What do you expect him to do - say, oh, well, now that I know that the fact I'm a dad bothers you I'll go drown my kids immediately?
PLEASE.
The ONLY thing to do at this point is tell him goodbye. If he's a real man and a good dad he deserves someone with a maternal bone in her body.
That fact you aren't interested in kids would be doing him a huge disservice if you continued to see him or let things go further.
Um, that's a bit extreme, don't you think? Of course that's not how I perceive the situation. And of course I'm not sitting here thinking that I wish his children were never born -- part of who he is, the wonderfulness that I see, is partially attributed to his children. Of that I have no doubt.
I actually am very maternal. However, I'm not child-centric, and I do not believe in pandering to children to keep them happy at every turn. I have the capacity to say "no," mean it and abide by it. No, I don't automatically scratch someone off of my list because he has kids, but I'll tell you what ... if that man is a lousy, permissive dad whose kids are eternally in trouble at school (or with the law) and he makes excuses for them, I'm not interested. Met a few guys like this, and the source of the problem was evident -- the parents! Can't blame the kids for acting up when they have no structure.
Marrying someone with children involves big concessions on everyone's part. If only one person makes them, it's a FAIL from the very beginning.
Um, that's a bit extreme, don't you think? Of course that's not how I perceive the situation. And of course I'm not sitting here thinking that I wish his children were never born -- part of who he is, the wonderfulness that I see, is partially attributed to his children. Of that I have no doubt.
I actually am very maternal. However, I'm not child-centric, and I do not believe in pandering to children to keep them happy at every turn. I have the capacity to say "no," mean it and abide by it. No, I don't automatically scratch someone off of my list because he has kids, but I'll tell you what ... if that man is a lousy, permissive dad whose kids are eternally in trouble at school (or with the law) and he makes excuses for them, I'm not interested. Met a few guys like this, and the source of the problem was evident -- the parents! Can't blame the kids for acting up when they have no structure.
Marrying someone with children involves big concessions on everyone's part. If only one person makes them, it's a FAIL from the very beginning.
Well, I don't disagree with you that marrying someone with kids involves big concessions.
Just seems to me with your rigid expectations you'd be better off NEVER dating a man with kids, much less marrying one.
If you date him, you are only wasting your time and his.
Fact is, if you become a partner with someone then you are a partner in all matters. It's impossible to seperate yourself from his kids in a LTR, it's just not realistic.
I don't think he's off limits in a casual way, but it doesn't sound like you're interested in him for casual.
So in summary, I don't think you should even go there.
I'm in my early 40s. Am I a kid person? I don't go bonkers over them arbitrarily. In fact, there's one guy who'd I'd date because I liked his kid so much -- she's a child prodigy, and I "clicked" with her immediately. The guy, on the other hand, would have made me nuts!
Melissa, stop it right now. Coming from a woman with experience. You can't change this man's family. You want perfect kids and the perfect family. At the end of the day, it's his decision for his kids.
You click with smart children. What if, one is smart and the other is slow to catch on. Now what. He's banished to his room.
Once, I thought about children. I knew how I wanted to raise them. I knew what activities I would expose them to. I expressed some of my ideas and he shot them down.
You're 40 without children. You don't want any. You want him. Turn him into a booty call and be done with it.
Well as a child of divorced parents, one of which is remarried, I can say that if my stepmom didn't show much interest in my sister and I, we probably would never have approved of our dad getting together with her. That is, we probably wouldn't enjoy weekends spent at his house and would probably try and avoid them altogether.
But thankfully, our stepmom is nice, cares about us and our well-being, and while she doesn't act like our mom, she's still caring. The other day I was at home sick and she made me soup... those sorts of little things are what it takes to be a good mom or stepmom IMO.
Now for another example, my mom is currently seeing a guy and he's really cool and all, but he doesn't seem to express a huge interest in my sister or I. But, neither he nor my mom are interested in marrying, so it really doesn't matter. But if suddenly they decided to marry, then hopefully he'd learn real quick how to be a good stepdad (he has a son, but I don't think he has custody of him, could be wrong though).
I kind of understand where the OP is coming from, although she's maybe a bit more distant from wanting to be a stepmom than I am.
My ex-fiance has two kids, the most wonderful awesome kids ever and I feel like I missed out on a lot by not getting to share their lives for a bit longer. They're not perfect but they are good kids, smart and have stayed out of trouble growing up. I give my ex's ex-wife a lot of the credit as the kids have been with her 90% of the time for the past nine years. The older one just started college with an honors scholarship (or some such thing) and the younger one is currently a sophomore at a prestigious private school. However, I wouldn't care if they were both C students at a public school as long as they were still good, well behaved nice boys. I would have probably bailed if they'd been in and out of "juvie" and having to go to summer school because of failing classes and bringing drugs/weapons to school.
Now, I've had friends who dated guys with strung out drug addicted kids, kids with behavior problems, etc. and every one of those relationships ended, mainly because of the kids. One friend was physically threatened by her boyfriend's teenage son and her boyfriend did nothing about it. Relationship over
I would still love a chance to be a stepmom but I couldn't put up with violent kids, disobedient rebellious kids whose father lets them get away with whatever the hell they want including drinking/sex in the house, or kids who are rude to me and whose father won't stand up for me in that situation.
Another friend married a guy with two kids and then they had two of their own. The step-daughter had an abortion and then a year later had a child out of wedlock and is now the stereo-typical single mom working a minimum wage job and engaged to a loser. The step-son got kicked out of the military for behavior issues and is a TV salesman at a department store. The two kids my friend has with her husband are smart straight A students and very polite and well-behaved. My friend told me that if she had to do it over she wouldn't have married a guy with kids because the step-kids made her life such hell for 10 years.
To the OP, why not spend some time with him and the kids and see how they interact, what his parenting style is and then make up your mind (quickly)
I would still love a chance to be a stepmom but I couldn't put up with violent kids, disobedient rebellious kids whose father lets them get away with whatever the hell they want including drinking/sex in the house, or kids who are rude to me and whose father won't stand up for me in that situation.
To the OP, why not spend some time with him and the kids and see how they interact, what his parenting style is and then make up your mind (quickly)
Thanks for the constructive advice -- and for sharing your story and understanding my trepidations. Perhaps had I not seen a crash-and-burn situation in my own family, I'd be a more naive. My cousin was the rebellious kid who got whatever tiny thing she wanted, mainly because my second cousin felt eternally guilty about his divorce from her mom. I saw firsthand how her behavior ended up breaking up his marriage with his second wife. Now, they did get remarried, but only after the problem child was out of their hair (I fully expect to see her on the Jerry Springer Show one day). She was a crappy kid who turned into a crappy adult. I do not want to end up in a situation like that.
(I do know that his kids are actively engaged in church activities with their dad, so I doubt that serious behavioral issues like this would be a huge concern.)
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
