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I'm constantly hearing married people talking about how kids impact their lives. As you read this, bear in mind that I really do like kids of all ages.
I've heard all of the negatives... kids wreck your sex life, they require a lot of time and effort investment, they make you want to get away from them sometimes, they become the focal point in your life (rather than just the two of you), you have to make life decisions and location decisions with the kids in mind (which may leave you in a situation you personally don't care for), and sometimes if the kid is born with severe mental deficiencies, he/she may never be able to move out in his/her 20s (translation: you'll never again be alone at home for any extended length of time).
Many parents (PARENTS! Not just adults...) have told me to wait as long as I can before I have kids. That doesn't bode well. I'm 28 and my wife is 23. Neither one of us wants to see our relationship or our sex life suffer due to the presence of kids... although we have heard people say that kids have brought them immeasurable joy. That's great... but we don't want relationship damage just to get joy from someone else (even if that someone else happens to be our offspring). So, for the parents among you: Tell me why we should or should not have kids... and attack this from a relationship and/or marriage standpoint.
It sounds like you have heard all the rumours about bringing a child in to your life. Yeah....they are wonderful, but if you are not seriously ready for them, they can over whelm parents.
I mean, its gonna be alot harder to go out on a date, with a baby....
Maybe you want to mingle at a friends house...with a baby?
You and your loved one wants snuggle time on the couch.....you hear waaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
Its alot of sacraficis....Lives defenetly do change!!!! Alot.
How long have you been married? First, your wife is only 23, I'd ask her opinion first since she's going to be the primary caregiver of the children (unless you are willing to be a Mr. Mom). Otherwise, you both should sit down and ponder what things that you'd both like to do as a couple and careerwise. She might like to work a few more years before becoming a mommy. Also talk about how you both would like to raise your kids. Again, you may both want to work hard for a few years and build a saving account. Raising kids properly ain't cheap. Lastly, if you want to do stuff like travel abroad as a romantic couple, you may want to get it done before the kids arrive.
I think that married couples should enjoy some quality alone time before rushing into childrearing duties.
While kids can be a total pain, and they DO completely change your life, I'm so glad I had mine young and now they're grown and gone, and I'm still young enough to have fun! I cannot imagine being in my 60's and still have kids to deal with! Hubby and I have looked forward to our older years, doing what WE want to do, going where WE want to go, and having the money, time and health to do it!
Just because they turn 18, doesn't mean your job is over! Kids tend to linger (in neediness) for some time!
Personally, I'm happy that I had my children in my 20s and didn't wait 10-20 years. However, for a perspective towards how that affects a young married couple, I believe it does most of them. A healthy marriage requires many sacrifices and many younger couples have enough difficulty dealing with those without adding in the complications that come from having children. My advice for any couple in their 20s looking at having children is to be realistic about the changes that will come. Are you both prepared to MAKE time for one another? Because it won't happen if you both don't commit to making it happen! Are you financially stable to the point that the additional expense won't cause disagreements over money? Will you be able to afford and be willing to have a sitter on a regular basis and remember that mommy and daddy need time for just one another? Do you have the same expectations for child raising? I believe communication is so very important and most certainly at this chapter in your lives.
While having children brings challenges as individuals and as a couple.... there's nothing that can bring the joy neither. As was said, only the two of you can decide if you're ready. Best wishes for your family.... whether it stays as two or grows to three!
I'm in my early 30's and I've been married for four years. My hubby wants kids and I'm on the fence. I have no idea whether or not I want kids. I feel pressure to go ahead and have them, given that we've already been married for several years and are in our 30's now. But I'm not ready, for many of the reasons you mentioned.
One of the biggest reasons is I'm not sure I have the energy to raise kids. It just seems so exhausting. I've always been a low energy person (as is my hubby). For instance, on the weekends we often enjoy sleeping until noon and just laying around on the couch reading all day.
Also, I really like my free time, and I don't like the "crazy busy" mentality. I have never been a person who is always on the go or whose calendar is packed full. I like my down time, and I like things calm, simple and laid-back--not "crazy" and "hectic" as most people seem to like to describe their lives. When you have kids, it seems pretty difficult not to become crazy busy.
On the plus side, my hubby wants to be a really involved father, and he has agreed to take on the lion's share of the child-raising. However, I don't think he really knows what he's in for.
I'm not sure when I'll be ready. It's very stressful when one spouse wants kids and the other isn't sure. We didn't talk about this before marriage, by the way.
While kids can be a total pain, and they DO completely change your life, I'm so glad I had mine young and now they're grown and gone, and I'm still young enough to have fun!
I don't quite get such point of view... If that's how some people feel about raising their kids, then what's the need for an 18-year prison sentence...?! Nobody said you HAD to go to jail.
I don't quite get such point of view... If that's how some people feel about raising their kids, then what's the need for an 18-year prison sentence...?! Nobody said you HAD to go to jail.
I'm not trying to be nasty... just puzzled...
Agreed, people act as if its a rite of passage or something. I personally never received that memo and I am glad I didn't.
I'm 38 and had my first child when I was 19. My kids are now 19 and 16. I realize that I probably missed out on some things that I could have done while I was young had I not had my kids. However, even looking at it in retrospect, I wouldn't change a thing about when I had my kids. Of course, the fact that having the whole marriage, home, kids, family and all the works was always my dream since I was very young. So it never felt like "wow, missed out on my dream".
Now that I'm 38, I've recently remarried and my husband has 3 kids (he has custody so they are with us majority of the time). A 15 year old son and two little girls who are 4 & 5 years old. Since I am in essence raising these kids now as well, I guess you can say I've experienced it at both ends, being young and being older. Each has it's benefits. Of course younger you just have so much more of the energy. Being older, ehhhh sometimes you realize you are not as young as you used to be. But being older also means you have so much more life experience under your belt.
From a relationship/marriage perspective, having children absolutely does change your life and even the dynamics of your relationship. However, this impact doesn't have to be one that is negative. What makes the difference is the couple themselves and how they handle parenthood. First, it is important that both truly wanted to and felt ready to have kids. Second, you have to have similar views as to raising the kids that way you are not always arguing about what should or shouldn't be done. Third, it's important to remember that you are still a couple despite the fact that you are now parents as well. So long as you continue to give time to each other to be man/husband and woman/wife, not just mommy and daddy, you're relationship can continue to thrive.
I went to a marriage/parenting seminar once and the way that they put it was like this. The kids need to learn early on that mommy and daddy are still a couple. They need to know that is the primary relationship in the home. All other relationships come after. The parents need to realize this as well and not feel guilty for taking time to nurture their relationship. It is actually the best gift you can give your children, seeing a healthy, loving relationship between their parents.
At the seminar they broke it down this way... If you take 1 night a week to have a date night, you are still giving your children 6 nights a week. If you take one weekend a month for a short getaway, or stayin, without the kids (kids at a grandparents overnights for example), you are still giving them 3 weekends a month. And if you take 1 week of your 2 week yearly vacation to get away just the two of you alone, you still give your kids 51 other weeks in the year.
Hearing that, and understanding that concept, really helped to eliminate the guilt that a lot of parents feel if they take some time away from their kids to just focus on one another.
There were a bunch of other tips that were given, things like remembering to continue kissing, at least a 1 minute kiss every day. Taking at least 15-30 minutes each night to discuss each other's day about anything and everything not involving the children, you each other. Teaching the kids early on to respect the marital bed, meaning don't get them accustomed to sleeping in mommy and daddy's bed unless it is because they are sick or something. Even then it was suggested that one or the other parent lay on the child's bed with them until they fell asleep.
In short, having kids is not what can damage a relationship. Putting the kids always before your spouse, and forgetting to keep the romance alive, or making each other feel like they are still important in your life, is what can cause stress and problems in the relationship.
Now none of us here can really tell you why you should or should not have kids. Though I'm pretty sure you did not mean that in a literal sense. The decision to have children or not is one that only you and she can make and should only come after much consideration and discussion and both being in agreement to the decision.
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