Woof, what a night...
I got a kick out of the video because it reminded me of going with my wife to Toys-R-Us to get my son the Red Ranger from the "Power Rangers" show; it was the hot item that year (somewhere around '92) but TRU said they had plenty of "Rangers".
Note: they didn't say plenty of RED Rangers...
It began outside at 5am. People were freezing to the sidewalk. Noses and ears were shattering into pieces from the cold. As opening time neared, you could sense a mood shift in the crowd. What had begun as friendly chatting and joking now turned serious. Loins were girded. Helmets were snugged up.
The doors burst open and a mad dash to the Ranger section ensued. Elderly folk who only wanted a few ViewMaster disks to give their grandkids were mercilessly trampled, only to expire on the shiny floor. Their cries of "MEDIC!!!" went unheard. The rest of the pack - the younger, stronger and stupider ones - well, we made a beeline for Ranger Land.
As it skidded around the corner, the mass of writhing humanity came to a sudden, screeching halt. There before us was a glistening Temple To Greed - a pyramid of Rangers that reached at least 5 stories high! There were Blue Rangers, Green Rangers, Black Rangers, White Rangers, Polka-Dot Rangers, Rainbow Rangers with wonderfully snappy coordinated outfits...
...everything but Red Rangers.
A hush fell over the writhing crowd...stunned faces scanned the giant edifice, seeking desperately for their Salvation. Moans issued forth, only to be drowned out by horrific sobs and wails of anguish. But then, I spied it!
Up upon the crown of the pyramid stood a small gathering of FIVE Red Rangers. Their plastic expressions seemed to be ones of mirth and superiority - "You puny Humans can NEVER reach us!"
They were wrong.
The newly-energized human car-wash began to tear at the base of the pyramid. Streaks of Blue and White and Green and Black flashed by our eyes. The smug Red Rangers lost their superior attitudes, only to be replaced by ones of sudden terror. They were slowly descending into the swirling pit of Hell that was the Black Friday Crowd. Some unfortunate souls decided to try leaping up atop the shrinking pile, only to have their scarred, disfigured bodies tossed aside by a new wave of insane shoppers.
I suddenly saw that by some miracle of the god Hasbro (God of Plastic Action Figures), or by some trick of Fate itself, my wife was holding a Red Ranger!!!
Her delicate hands clutched at the over-packaged prize as if it were the winning ticket in the Irish Sweepstakes. Seemingly in slow motion, I began to run to her, hoping against hope that I wouldn't be too late.
After an eternity I was only three feet away from her. I saw a hairy paw the size of Rhode Island suddenly appear in the picture, and deep in my gut I just KNEW that it was reaching for our Prize! Sure enough, the malformed mitt closed over Red Ranger, beginning a one-sided tug-of-war. Still mired in slow-motion, I saw the disembodied hand brutally wrench the toy out of my grasping wife's hands. I fell upon this Unholy Demon with a vengeance and a snarl, grabbing his hand in a painful T'ai-Chi wrist lock.
I swore I heard a "snap". In fact, the entire struggling crowd instantly stopped and looked around quizzically, trying to ferret out the source of the unusual sound. Then real-time resumed and they once again fell like jackals on the now-defeated pyramid. The hand that I had snapped turned out to belong to a bruiser who now had a rather pained expression on his darkened jowls and the beginnings of tears in his blood-red eyes.
I stooped gracefully, picked up the undamaged Red Ranger, gently took my wife's hand and strode slowly to the check-out, glancing neither left nor right but rather striding in what I can only describe as a regal fashion, secure in the knowledge that our son would now be among the elite, the gifted, the highest-of-the-high - he would HAVE his Red Ranger.
...and THAT is why I don't shop on Black Friday anymore.
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I like a good deal as the next person, but that's total insanity!
