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Honestly, it just sounds like you are not in love with him because of his immaturity and impracticality, and are trying to prevent yourself from being tied down to him by kids. Might this be true on a subconscious level?
Is it that you just don't want children at all? Or just not with him because of his behavior (which is a legitimate reason)?
If you truly don't want children with any man, then yes, you have to tell him as such.
If you don't want them with him because of his behavior - then you can either tell him that and potentially end the relationship, or tell him why and have a plan. Maybe if he knew that his behavior was turning you away from the idea of kids he would be more motivated to change. As far as money goes, usually with paychecks you can have it split between several accounts. Is it possible to have a portion of his paycheck directed to a household account for paying bills so he never sees it and you don't have to harp on him for money to pay the bills?
Would it also be possible to see a counselor of some sort? Perhaps expressing your concerns with a neutral third party would help to open and direct the lines of communicatioin.
I agree, though, that you shouldn't enable his behavior. Make him take part in the household chores (because if he doesn't do it now, he won't once a baby is around). Tell him if he doesn't keep up his duties, kids are not an option for a while. If he truly wants kids and you are a happy couple - he should have some motivation to take a more equal role in household duties.
However, if you have never wanted kids and just thought you would be able to change your mind - it is definitely time to own up to it.
I find this very hard to believe, that he pulled the wool over your eyes and slowly changed over time.
Did you discuss the division of household duties before you moved in together? I mean, literally discuss them? I doubt it. There are plenty of men out there who feel that household duties fall under the category of a woman's responsibility. But you can't hate them for it, because they are pretty open about their expectations if you sit down and talk to them about it. Moving in with each other is so casual now (and I did it a time or two myself) that nobody discusses reality ahead of time. Having differing world views does not make one person right and the other wrong.
well youd be VERY wrong in your assumptions.
in the beginning all duties were equally shared, when we moved intoghter we DID sit down and have a long conversation about what we both expected from the relationship, what was ok i terms of our behaviour twards other (ie me making it clear that just becaus eim bi im not interested in 3 somes and that its ok if he hugs and cheek kises his female friends and ok for me to do the same with male frineds ect...) but also we discussed housework, bills, care of child, heck he even decided it would be a great idea to make a chart we could pin up that stated who was incharge of what, who did what chores...things like i was 100% responsible for my dogs because he didnt like dogs much, and he ws mostly responsible for his kid because im not that into kids and her real mommy wasnt comfortable with me having any "mommy like" duties., chores were dutifully divided, even things like who cooked and what nights, who did the laundry dishes ect...
and all was good for a while...untill he decided that the list and our previous conversations didnt matter.
when things started to slip i sat him down and talked to him about it and we "redefined" the duties, only for when it came time to do his chores he was "too busy" (playing his video game) and wouldnt get to it later...ect.
ive known a few people (male and female) whove had these issues...everythign GREAT untill after thigns get to that "real" serious point (usually full time living together for a while or marriage, when things become more "comfortable" and one partner decided they no longer need to "impress" the other person...
well youd be VERY wrong in your assumptions.
in the beginning all duties were equally shared, when we moved intoghter we DID sit down and have a long conversation about what we both expected from the relationship, what was ok i terms of our behaviour twards other (ie me making it clear that just becaus eim bi im not interested in 3 somes and that its ok if he hugs and cheek kises his female friends and ok for me to do the same with male frineds ect...) but also we discussed housework, bills, care of child, heck he even decided it would be a great idea to make a chart we could pin up that stated who was incharge of what, who did what chores...things like i was 100% responsible for my dogs because he didnt like dogs much, and he ws mostly responsible for his kid because im not that into kids and her real mommy wasnt comfortable with me having any "mommy like" duties., chores were dutifully divided, even things like who cooked and what nights, who did the laundry dishes ect...
and all was good for a while...untill he decided that the list and our previous conversations didnt matter.
when things started to slip i sat him down and talked to him about it and we "redefined" the duties, only for when it came time to do his chores he was "too busy" (playing his video game) and wouldnt get to it later...ect.
ive known a few people (male and female) whove had these issues...everythign GREAT untill after thigns get to that "real" serious point (usually full time living together for a while or marriage, when things become more "comfortable" and one partner decided they no longer need to "impress" the other person...
So what you are saying is, you have very bad judgment when it comes to picking a partner.
If you don't want to have kids, you need to tell him NOW! Stringing him along will only make things worse the longer you wait to tell him (you've waited 2.5 years too long!). In his mind, he probably thinks that you will want kids, eventually. Also, let him know how you feel about his behavior...very few people, if any, are actual mind readers; I don't suspect that your husband is one of them.
Well I am a woman, and I spotted the obvious inconsistency between their dating life and married life. Why do you have to go there, and make this about all women?
This is why so many men around here can't get themselves into a loving relationship: they pin negative traits on ALL women. Frankly I think it is a form of self-sabotage that gives men a reason to feel better about their lack of romantic success. God forbid you should ever look in the mirror and admit your own flaws.
No different than what many women are doing. In the end, it's up to each and every one of us to have our list of expectations and decide what we are willing to compromise. Sorry for the genaralization but that's all it is, a generalization. It doesn't mean that ALL women are like that but that enough behave in that way for me to be able to make the generalization. No different than a man wanting a trophy wife who doesn't cook, clean or take care of anything around the house and then being surprised when she won't do that stuff once they are married and she lives in his house.
If I can find a beautiful woman who can cook, clean, works, has a good relationship with her family and treats me with love and respect (all the traits that I have myself) to marry, then why can't the rest of you? You guys come on here and post your mistakes, ask for advice, then become defensive when other posters give you the advice you don't want to hear and it's mostly women who do this.
By the way, most of us who DO look in the mirror won't admit our own flaws. We'll look past them. It usually takes someone else to point them out for us and even then we have to be willing to listen so your analogy is false. But you keep looking; maybe it will work eventually.
Well I meant to say this earlier, but thank you all so much for advice and commentary.
For now I'm trying to be patient. It's really difficult to talk to anyone about this matter, especially to people I know.
I don't want to say "never, ever" about having kids but I know the way we're going now, it's not going to turn out as well as it should. Sometimes I worry and think things will never change, or that they will get worse, and other times I tell myself it'll be better. Anyway, I know it's better to regret not having children than it is to regret having children. My husband asks me every day in some way or another and I'm still weak and tell him "now's not the time." It's my problem that I haven't taken the time to talk to him about what I'm worried about and what we can do. It will be hard but I'm going to tell him. I have no intentions of splitting up and I hope he doesn't take it that way.
Well I meant to say this earlier, but thank you all so much for advice and commentary.
For now I'm trying to be patient. It's really difficult to talk to anyone about this matter, especially to people I know.
I don't want to say "never, ever" about having kids but I know the way we're going now, it's not going to turn out as well as it should. Sometimes I worry and think things will never change, or that they will get worse, and other times I tell myself it'll be better. Anyway, I know it's better to regret not having children than it is to regret having children. My husband asks me every day in some way or another and I'm still weak and tell him "now's not the time." It's my problem that I haven't taken the time to talk to him about what I'm worried about and what we can do. It will be hard but I'm going to tell him. I have no intentions of splitting up and I hope he doesn't take it that way.
Thanks again for all the ideas.
"the truth shall set you free" - not to mention, you OWE him that much - quit stalling and be a real grownup.
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