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Well, I met this girl. We had lots in common, not just that, but a strong sexual chemistry between us. She claimed ambivalence about it over her boyfriend. We had sex that night anyway.
We continued going out (as friends) and having sex. She eventually dumped her boyfriend, but we were never officially a couple. It went on for a little over a year.
She got a new boyfriend who, even though we agreed to stop the fwb arrangement, she cheated on (with me) after they fought. I got a girlfriend after that. We were still friends.
Fast forward almost another year. We were both single again and had more sex.
We argued over using condoms last week. The next day, her ex threatened me on her phone. She cut off contact. In utter denial, I left it alone.
After days of silence, I received comments on facebook yesterday calling me a “b*stard,” “*sshole,” and other unwarranted, contemptuous terms. I asked a mutual friend who’s still talking to me what happened and discovered that she confessed to her ex while they discussed getting back together. Then she deflected the blame and said I manipulated and “used” her since we met. Of course, she told everyone else that too.
I’m disappointed in more ways than she intended--or not? If you had asked me a month ago, I would have said she was my best friend. Ironically, I’m now the “sleazebag player” who keeps her waiting while banging other girls left and right, and it’s all in spite of the fact her number is nearly double mine. Never mind I was the one who said that we could stop anytime she chose. Even when she dismissed them, I was sincere in my feelings. No, it’s clearly my fault. Right.
I've been in a similar situation before where I got the blame and I was the a-hole. It was a little more complex and ridiculous (on that person's part) and I was flamed for it despite people knowing she was wrong. They took her side because she was their friend. In her head, she won the war.
In the end, I will say to simply ignore it and drop her. Listen, this is only Facebook and people tend to get beefy behind a monitor. Don't give into such childish acts, in the end be the bigger person and let her suffer with her denial and her missing on your loving. Don't put yourself through the headache. You said you've gotten other women, and that's an example that there's plenty of "fish in the sea". Don't waste your time on this imbecile and infidel of a lady and move on to bigger and better things. The last thing you want to do is let some childish BS like this haunt you.
I'd certainly stay away from her after this and I sincerely believe that there is no "fixing" the issue. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. It's a bad idea to hook up with an otherwise attached partner because when something goes wrong, it normally goes really wrong aside from the obvious fidelity issues. Lesson learned.
I'd just let it completely go without comment. If (and only if) you start getting flak about it from uninvolved parties, remind them that girlfriend is/was an adult and that no one forced or coerced her to do what she didn't want to do especially over a period of several years time involving at least two separate boyfriends on her part. Anything else would smack of defensiveness and will make you look like the bad guy even more than you already do.
I don't know what you're so disappointed about. You mess around with someone who has a boyfriend, neither of you apparently has any interest in fidelity (I know, that's just so old-fashioned, isn't it!), she's childish enough to air her dirty laundry on FB, but that's what you get. Be a little more circumspect in picking "best friends".
It goes with the territory. I'd just grin and let it slide. Shortly after we were divorced, my ex-wife used to go out and party each week with a bunch of her friends including a gal who worked with my (then) new gf (and later wife). It was funny hearing a new story about me each week, each one contradicting the story from the earlier week. Apparently she'd get drunk and make up a story, then forget it and make up another one for the next drunken party. It made her look like an idiot. My only "story", even to my best friends, was that we'd simply grown apart.
I don't know what you're so disappointed about. You mess around with someone who has a boyfriend, neither of you apparently has any interest in fidelity (I know, that's just so old-fashioned, isn't it!), she's childish enough to air her dirty laundry on FB, but that's what you get. Be a little more circumspect in picking "best friends".
/\/\/\ This.
You also have to assume some of the blame here. Sorry, but that's the way these things go. How much blame only you - and she - know.
Yah, FWB relationships seem so accountability free but they're not. Any relationship brings pain in the end. Maybe she cared about you more than you know and maybe she just used the whole story to get the other man to calm down about you. You'll probably never know.
Rationally, I know you’re both right. Still, I only posted this hoping that reading personal experiences with this would somehow lessen the overwhelming urge to drive to her apartment. It doesn’t.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SifuPhil
/\/\/\ This.
You also have to assume some of the blame here. Sorry, but that's the way these things go. How much blame only you - and she - know.
You’re reacting like I’m in the wrong, yet I didn’t cheat. It’s not like I couldn’t have. I still did the honorable thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka
Yah, FWB relationships seem so accountability free but they're not. Any relationship brings pain in the end. Maybe she cared about you more than you know and maybe she just used the whole story to get the other man to calm down about you. You'll probably never know.
I'm certain this is her objective, and it's working. That’s what disturbs me.
Of course you used her...for sex without strings. She may have been using you as well (sounds like it, but we haven't heard her side of the story). Bottom line- neither were honorable, both we selfish. Doesn't make you evil, it just makes you human...but don't whine.
Rationally, I know you’re both right. Still, I only posted this hoping that reading personal experiences with this would somehow lessen the overwhelming urge to drive to her apartment. It doesn’t.
Well, if it's personal experiences you want...got a few days to listen?
Quote:
You’re reacting like I’m in the wrong, yet I didn’t cheat. It’s not like I couldn’t have. I still did the honorable thing.
Technically you did cheat:
Quote:
She got a new boyfriend who, even though we agreed to stop the fwb arrangement, she cheated on (with me) after they fought.
Your words. You both cheated with each other.
I also am not familiar with the particular code of honor that you're using. Perhaps that explains why I can't see how you "did the honorable thing" - you dishonored not only your girlfriend (by helping her cheat her boyfriend) and her boyfriend (by having her cheat on him) - you dishonored yourself (by breaking your vow to yourself), which is a far worse consequence, one which I'm not convinced you fully appreciate.
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