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No, it was too much of a deception to overlook. The baby is with a woman he is no longer involved with romantically. He tried to prove it by insisting that I come to the hospital but at that time I was not interested in seeing how truthful he was.
It just hurts so much that I invested so many feelings into this man and he was so deceptive. I mean, this came out of nowhere. One day he was taking me to the house he had just bought to see if I liked it because he wanted us to be thinking about the future together and two weeks later came the bombshell.
Manipulation 101. If you do decide to be with him, you will never forget this deception especially now that it is a living, breathing creature. It's up to you to decide if you can live with it. But don't worry, there are other men out there with whom you could find happiness.
Honestly, to me it seems like you could never get over this deception. I don't blame you. I would sure as heck not want to be raising the child of somebody else who didn't think it was important enough to discuss. The child was coming, no doubt, but he could have told you at the beginning of the relationship instead of waiting for you to fall for him first. The timeline of the story does not matter. There should be no confusion about this situation. He should have told you straight up from the beginning and that is what any respectable, considerate person would do. He seems like the type who can rationalize things easily as long as it fits his agenda - perhaps not a great personality fit for you after all. If you at some point do decide to get over the fact that he deceived you, then you might have a chance. But if it is impossible, then move on with your life and start dating other men.
Manipulation 101. If you do decide to be with him, you will never forget this deception especially now that it is a living, breathing creature. It's up to you to decide if you can live with it. But don't worry, there are other men out there with whom you could find happiness.
Honestly, to me it seems like you could never get over this deception. I don't blame you. I would sure as heck not want to be raising the child of somebody else who didn't think it was important enough to discuss. The child was coming, no doubt, but he could have told you at the beginning of the relationship instead of waiting for you to fall for him first. The timeline of the story does not matter. There should be no confusion about this situation. He should have told you straight up from the beginning and that is what any respectable, considerate person would do. He seems like the type who can rationalize things easily as long as it fits his agenda - perhaps not a great personality fit for you after all. If you at some point do decide to get over the fact that he deceived you, then you might have a chance. But if it is impossible, then move on with your life and start dating other men.
I totally agree with you. I feel so manipulated. This is not something that I feel that I can live with. His level of dishonesty would never allow me to trust him again. When I talk with him, I can now see the deeply-rooted low self-esteem and baggage he has carried and how he was able to hide from me who he truly is. I found out later that two other women had miscarried his children previously.
Okay, I will try to be more clear. I really need advice.
I don't understand the nature of this relationship so it's hard to comment on it.
In 3 months you fell deeply in love with a man, who in that time showed you the house he purchased and wants to fix up and in which he wants to start a future with you?
Shortly thereafter, he asks you to be the step-mother of the child he fathered with a former lover, unbeknownst to you?
All the while the relationship was completely platonic?
I'm having a hard time comprehending this situation. Are you sure you weren't just misreading this whole thing and this wasn't just one big fantasy in your mind?
She allegedly was someone he became involved with because he wanted a child. They were together for a couple of months but according to him their only interaction is for the baby.
What she is irrelevant to me ecause our relationship is done.
If the relationship is done, then you don't need advice.
Otherwise, the whole thing is up to the two of you. If he wants you to be a step mother to his child, then you have to decide if that's what you would want. Otherwise just end it once and for all and move on.
If you don't feel you can be a step parent, if you resent the child - then run. He obviously made certain choices in the past and he has to live with them.
I totally agree with you. I feel so manipulated. This is not something that I feel that I can live with. His level of dishonesty would never allow me to trust him again. When I talk with him, I can now see the deeply-rooted low self-esteem and baggage he has carried and how he was able to hide from me who he truly is. I found out later that two other women had miscarried his children previously.
Be careful - you could be the next unmarried mother of a child he wants.
If you decide to stay in the picture, make sure you understand the relationship the two of you would have with the child's mother also.
I seriously doubt that their only intention was to create a child.
Not. Buying. It.
I don't know - there's a guy I work with that is about 40 years old - he says he's not marriage material - he enjoys playing the field forever but he says the only thing is that he wants a son. He wants a child of his own to take camping and teach baseball but he doesn't want to be burdened with a wife.
Women decide they want a kid without a husband - so I don't believe it's impossible for men to do the same. Especially men today.
malamute - I see your point. But has your co-worker found a women who has agreed to bare him a child (as an act of compassion and charity)? Someone with whom he can have sex for the sole purpose of making a baby - without being burdened by emotional attachment, romance or any other expectations?
That would be a pretty rare and remarkable women, don't you think so?
I think gentlewonder3's man is trying to convince gentlewoman that there was no lust and no emotional or romantic interest between him and the previous women. Anything is possible, but my BS detector is going off like crazy.
gentlewoman3 - You have asked "How do I get over this man? It has been 3 months and I am still very hurt." The best way to get over a man is to stop wasting your time trying to figure out why he deceived you or why he did this or that. You'll never know and dwelling on "why" only keeps you emotionally stuck.
My advice is to forget about him. Move on. Go to the gym everyday and get smoking hawt. Date other men. Date lots and lots of men. One year from now you'll have forgotten his name.
Last edited by boodhabunny; 12-31-2010 at 11:59 AM..
malamute - I see your point. But has your co-worker found a women who has agreed to bare him a child (as an act of compassion and charity)? Someone with whom he can have sex for the sole purpose of making a baby - without being burdened by emotional attachment, romance or any other expectations?
That would be a pretty rare and remarkable women, don't you think so?
I think gentlewonder3's man is trying to convince gentlewoman that there was no lust and no emotional or romantic interest between him and the previous women. Anything is possible, but my BS detector is going off like crazy.
I agree that it is BS. I am sure that she has some expectations that they will be together. I have yet to figure out why has wanted me to come to the hospital with them. I am beyone trying to figure this out really. It is exhausting. I just want to be over him for good.
Only date men who treat you wonderfully. Men who make you cry are not worth crying over.
thanks
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Are you sure you weren't just misreading this whole thing and this wasn't just one big fantasy in your mind?
