Hello, thank you for taking the time to read this lengthy thing and respond. I am going to try to write this in an unbiased way.
My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months. We have been long distance for 4. There have been a couple of times where I have been uncomfortable with the closeness of his friendships with other women (seeing a girl from school every day, or a picture posted on facebook of him holding hands with a friend's girlfriend at burningman).
Recently, his former roommate and friend of 15 years moved back into the country after a year abroad. I got along with her at first and I saw that they got along really really well. I was not uncomfortable with their friendship, but I did tell him that if they had friendly slumber parties I would be really uncomfortable. We talked about it, and he divulged that when they did sleep somewhere together they slept in the same bed if there was one bed. He didn't see why it made sense for one of them to sleep on the floor if there was a bed (even a twin) that they could share. This made me really angry and he agreed not to share the bed with her.
A month later, he is visiting for the holidays. I have to work and he texts me one day asking for some lift tickets because I get them free from work (yay!). I told him no, I won't give him lift tickets because he didn't invite me or tell me he was going. We talked on the phone and he said he was going for three days, two nights, with his former roommate and a mutual guy friend. Later I found out the mutual guy friend decided not to go. So it was just my boyfriend and the girl I asked him not to have slumber parties with in a cabin for three days. They snowboarded for one day and spent most of their time in the cabin kickin' it. We talked on the phone both nights he was gone.
I was really upset that he went with her, and he said "should we really cancel the trip just because we don't have a chaperone? I don't think I should need a chaperone to spend time with my friend." He thinks it is about the risk of them having sex. I am not afraid of them having sex. I am upset because he chooses time with her over not hurting my feelings, and becomes inconsiderate of me when she enters the logistics.
He does not feel like he did anything wrong by going with her, and seems to have totally forgotten our conversation about slumber parties. He thinks not sharing a bed is enough and feels like I am asking him to cut her out of his life.
After their solo trip, we all went on a trip together. Me, my boyfriend, his female friend and another guy friend. I tried to have fun, but I was still mad at my boyfriend for going with her before; only 2 days had passed. I was also upset when I learned how much his friend disrespects her boyfriend's feelings about how close she is with other men. Her boyfriend also was upset about her going on a trip alone with another man and she spent a lot of time skyping him. When they signed off she would vent to my boyfriend about how her boyfriend needs to "accept reality" and how he is like a baby and she has to "hold his hand." She and my boyfriend get along really well and it is like no one else is in the room when the two of them interact - my boyfriend says it's not like that and that nothing would ever happen between them.
I am not worried that something would ever happen between them. I am angry that he prioritizes his friendship with her over our relationship. He says he will reconsider his friendships with other women, but he will not say that he will not have overnight trips with this one alone. That is all I am asking. I do not want him to be unhappy and cut his friends out of his life.
I have said hurtful things to him about this, "I hate you" "Go to hell". It's not okay, and he is having a hard time at school so I don't like to burden him if it's unnecessary. I have told him that this is a deal breaker for me, that I would rather be single than feel hurt like this. He says it feels like I am asking him to cut his friend out of his life. I don't understand why their friendship depends so much on spending nights alone somewhere far away.
One of my favorite things about my boyfriend is how well he gets along with women. I do not want him to cut women out of his life, or to jeopardize his long-term friendships. But I do not want to cry myself to sleep again because he is doing something with another woman that I would never do with another man. I feel it is very inappropriate for people in relationships to go on vacations alone with people of the opposite sex.
Please give me some advice.
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