The Great Love Debate and the question of the century! (dating, how to)

[WildHeart22]

I recently attended a a town hall style debate event titled The Great Love Debate (it has traveled nationwide so perhaps some of you have heard about it). Basically, it was an audience full of men and women (or in the case of the one I went to...about 98% women and 2% men). There was a panel of local "celebrities"/dating experts and a moderator. The moderator facilitated a debate amongst the audience about dating in modern times and why people are single, with input from the panel of experts. The moderator was sassy and sarcastic, so there was a lot of humor involved!

It was a lot of fun and also very affirming to see so many people in my own city in the same boat as me and experiencing the same hardships with dating. There were a lot "AMEN SISTER!" moments during the night.

Here are some of the biggest take-aways I left with:

1) A LOT of people use online dating. Online dating has its own unique challenges. People (mainly guys), are often far too brazen behind a screen and message things to women they would never say in real life upon meeting. This has made it very hard for everyone (women especially), to find quality dates online.

2) Far too many people rely on online dating as the ONLY means of meeting people. This can cause frustration, exhaustion, and the feeling that you'll never find anyone. Online dating should be a supplement to dating, not the only method.

3) In general, people are stuck to their technology too much. Even when they are out in public, no one approaches anyone anymore. Random conversations don't happen ----> people don't meet anyone organically ---> they turn to online dating ----> they hate dating. The moderator's phrase of the night was, "get your head out of your apps."

4) If you feel like nothing has been working for you in dating/you're fed up/you can't find anyone/you have tons of excuses why you're single...you need to step back and take a look at yourself. What are YOU doing wrong and what can YOU change? The problem isn't everyone else; the problem is you (and the problem could be a variety of things- the vibe you give off, the way you act on dates, or the fact that you only use online dating among many other possible problems).

5) In order to succeed in dating, you need to be resilient. People get hurt, people get broken, people hurt others. Don't take anything too personally, pick yourself up after heartbreak, let yourself be vulnerable with someone again, and keep moving forward. Leave the past in the past. You won't find anyone if you don't keep trying.

6) GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND DO SOMETHING! One of the biggest topics of the night was to start putting yourself in situations where you can meet people. Museums, shows, art exhibits, volunteering, bars, restaurants, activities, meetup groups, whatever! And TALK TO PEOPLE! In line at Target or the coffee shop for example...get off your phone and start noticing people!

This last point leads me to my question...finally! I agree with everything that was discussed, including getting off technology/online dating and start meeting people in real life. HOW THE HECK DO YOU ACTUALLY MEET SOMEONE/STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION IN REAL LIFE? I don't ever see anyone talk to anyone at the grocery store or Caribou, as was suggested. So while the ideas presented at this debate were logical, there was no discussion on how to actually do it.

I'm shy, and also somewhat traditional (I would prefer a guy to approach me), so I am completely clueless on how to meet someone in any of the real life situations mentioned. I am completely over online dating but I am not over dating! I want to make this happen but I literally have no idea how.

THOUGHTS?!?!?!

[BirdieBelle]

Courage. That's it.

[WildHeart22]

Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life

Courage. That's it.

I believe I have courage. But what I don't have is the knowledge of what to say. I'm not good at small talk with strangers and would like to practice this skill. When you're standing in line next to someone, I honestly have no idea what to say to engage in a conversation.

[Chowhound]

Originally Posted by WildHeart22

I believe I have courage. But what I don't have is the knowledge of what to say. I'm not good at small talk with strangers and would like to practice this skill. When you're standing in line next to someone, I honestly have no idea what to say to engage in a conversation.

I'm not a small talker type really, at the end of the day. I shine best after you get to know me a little bit. For us types it's a challenge.


I wish I had something Yoda like and full of insight to bestow upon you, but I don't. Best of luck to you.

[ItsRick24]

I echo the Courage thing...
I also think that you need to find some level ground - from a conversational standpoint, open up a level of talk; use open-ended questions and carry yourself with confidence, without cockiness. Small talk, if you work it right, can become bigger conversation and a rapport is established before you know it. Even if you get shot down, at least you tried. I'm going out this evening to a get-together and I've learned to just relax, mingle, and talk. You can't be timid or shy; you need to be assertive.
When one door closes, another door opens. But I've learned that sometimes you gotta be like a cop and kick that door open! That's courage - though some may call it crazy...

[hawaiiancoconut]

It's because you're shy, you have a difficult time striking up conversations IRL, OP. And I'm sure, you're not the only one in that boat.

Thankfully, I've never found it difficult to talk to strangers about anything and everything.

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by WildHeart22

I believe I have courage. But what I don't have is the knowledge of what to say. I'm not good at small talk with strangers and would like to practice this skill. When you're standing in line next to someone, I honestly have no idea what to say to engage in a conversation.

You make eye contact, not in a threatening way but in an acknowledging way.

You notice what is going on around you and say something about that. WHY are you in line? Think of something about the context and circumstances.

I once was waiting in the hall outside a college class on the first day, and a guy who also was waiting asked me if I knew where a particular building was.

Since I'm pretty good at flirting , I didn't just TELL him. I got out a map (this was back in the day, and it was on the back of one of my folders) so he had to come over NEXT to me.

We ended up dating for about almost 2 years. Man, I was in love with him. After a few months, he told me he already knew where that building was. He just wanted to talk to me.

So practice awareness and your observation skills, and USE them.

And have courage. Step up.

FWIW, it's not at all surprising that the audience was mostly female.

[ellie]

I'm one of those people who talks to everyone. In fact, I met my husband because I had an irrepressible urge to speak to him and fortunately a pretty good excuse.

If you're shy, you need to break out of that. The grocery store is the best place to practice. Just comment on anything within reason, or ask someone if they prefer one brand or another. Standing in line is good. Talk about the weather, if nothing else.

[Skydive Outlaw]

People spending their entire lives 'searching' for true love and wanting to experience it would be like wondering how amazing gravity is and wanting to find a perfect building to just jump off of to experience the fall. . . . . .


Without ever stopping to realize you might get what you went looking for.

[Auraliea]

It's just easier for me not to worry about it.

Meet a man and I like him...I'll cross that bridge when/if I come to it. I believe there is WAY too much pressure and importance placed on relationships and dating.

And honestly...I think that debate is evidence of that.