Anger is eating me alive. (dating, boyfriend, woman, cheated)

[nighthouse66]

hi folks, some of you may remember a previous thread i posted a couple months ago regarding an emotionally abusive boyfriend. it was quite a leap for someone who thinks of herself as being able to tell the creeps from the good guys to have to admit that one flew in on her, and i got alot of good advice from you guys, and so now i am hitting you up again! and forgive me, this is a bit long, it takes some explaining so please bear with me....

i started talking a bit with the ex. over the past couple months we have had a couple drinks and generally these dissolved into arguments. finally, because we have so many mutual friends, i felt like it was the better thing to just put down the swords because i knew he would be there at certain shows that i worked (i do visuals for bands sometimes) and that i had to put some stuff aside. we run in the same circle and i am definitely not a grudgeholder. but i feel like he has turned my good nature against me this time.

we were hanging out a bit more over the past few weeks, and we had started to tiptoe into the territory of our problems and though we did not have sex or actually get intimate, it seemed that he took this as a hopeful sign. one night at a show that i worked, he was there, and i was feeling sort of confident and got out my most fabulous white glam coat to wear and was getting alot of attention from men and also from people complimenting my visuals. i handed out alot of cards that night and i wasn't getting much of a chance to talk to him nor did i feel obligated to do so. that night he went home and told me later that he didn't sleep at all, and sobbed over the phone with me in a way that i have never heard before. he said he realized what he had lost, and that my visuals were so good that night and i had always inspired him, and being the kind of person i am who isn't cruel by nature i just told him that i was sorry, i didn't want him to be in pain, and that you never knew what may happen. bad idea.

a few nights later he had called me from work, and i had called him back but he couldn't talk. no big deal. later that night a friend calls, an old friend whose band shared a bill with mine and who i had actually made a short film with. who was a GUY. i keep pretty strange hours sometimes so he was housesitting and staying up all night, and invited me down to this cool beach cottage in seal beach. i got down there around midnight but had gotten lost on the way, and while i was lost my ex had called me. i didn't answer, i didn't feel like i needed to give account of myself and i have never been the needy sort of woman who would ask who was at his studio. he would just say, "oh, some people are coming over tonight to record". i just don't pull that sort of needy stuff, i am not a needy person, or a particularly suspicious one.
well, this little innocent visit has sparked a war between us which is actually sort of breaking my health down at the moment. i am not accustomed to feeling this level of hatred for someone. and i know it isn't healthy. in short-
he called me a liar because he misheard something i had said about the time i had left- i had gotten there at night and left in the morning, but he thought i meant i had left to come home at night, which meant i was there for a full day. i mean, nothing went on. me and my friend are just that- friends. old friends. we drank, sang songs, just had a good time. but my ex keeps insinuating and writing me emails and calling me three times a day with voicemails starting off with, "what are you hiding from me? you always claim to be a straight shooter but you lied to me, what were you afraid to tell me that you couldn't answer your phone that night?" i mean, i have never cheated on anyone and he has constantly accused me of horrible misdeeds that have no basis in reality. when i had to go home to GA for a couple weeks in october because my mother had cancer, we were still (somewhat) together and i was staying with him til i could find a new place, and when i got back i was a bit emotionally tired out and so i wasn't responding to him sexually with the zeal that he found usual. from this, he deduced that i had been with other people in GA, and not only that, that i feared that i was pregnant, because i didn't make a big deal about condoms (i was a day or two from my period so i didn't feel it a danger, i know, probably bad idea but i didn't). he told me, "i knew that if you had gotten pregnant around that time, it wouldn't have been mine".

for someone who thinks of themselves as having a strong moral compass, who doesn't lie, who doesn't and never has stepped out with other men, who makes a point to be honest and righteous in their dealings with other people, it just makes me feel so freaking small, and dirty, and like he has not at all learned about the person that i am or worse, knows that i am good but wants to make me feel crappy, in which case he has succeeding, which makes me feel MORE crappy, and so on.

so these things are swirling in my head and i have refused to answer his texts or voicemails, in fact when he has called a time or two i pick up the phone and hang up so he can't use the voicemail. but i have sent him some scathing emails about how much i hate him, that his cruelties and doubts about my integrity have finally driven me to a place of total, complete disregard. and the fact is, that i do not want to feel this way.

the anger is so all consuming that when i am doing other things, whether it be exercising, laundry, or whatever, i burst into tears. i just want to punch something. after his disregard for me at traumatic periods of my life, of his incessant devaluing of my emotions due to my merely being a "hysterical female", to his constant paranoia about other men (and i have never cheated EVER on anyone in my LIFE, ever!!!!!!) i just feel like a mess right now. i don't know how i can get over this anger. i don't remember hating someone so deeply since i was a child. being that i am struggling with unemployment, my best friend from high school whom i had searched for for ten years and found on facebook dying of a drug overdose five days before (she died on the fifteenth of december, i found her on the twentieth and had to find out because i read her wall on her FB- heartbreak is not the word), to another friend dying of cancer in prison, to other strange and baroque heartbreaks over the past few months, i just feel finally pushed right up against the wall by this added stress. he has to suck on my psychic energy one more time and i am smart enough to know that this anger is crippling too, but i can't help it. i literally feel like i could run him over with my car and it would take at least a half hour for me to start to feel bad about it. (lol) sorry for the black humor, im not really a murderous woman. i just don't deserve it and i just don't know what to do. it goes without saying that he is dead to me, but what's left? how do i work through this stuff?

[imcurious]

I feel your anger is healthy in one way -at least you are not a victim and you stood up for yourself.

Check out Ho Oponopono on YouTube - it is powerful and in moments, if you use it you will feel the rage and anger leave you and you will be restored to peace.

[JustJulia]

Ouch. Sometimes it helps to just unleash the fury, nighthouse. Tell your neighbors to disregard the noise, put all your pillows in a big pile, and scream and beat the hell out of them. Pick up the pillows and beat on your bed and yell all the feelings you have. Do this until you are exhausted. Then look at yourself in the mirror with wild eyes and crazy hair and stick out your tongue and go PPPPPPPPPPPPPPTTTPPPBBBBBBBT. Then tell that douchebag he is dead to you.

[Yzette]

In all honesty, it sounds like you also might also be angry with yourself for letting this raging dbag back into your life.

Tell him once (and once only) that you no longer wish contact with him. Then change your numbers, block his email addresses, and move on with your life. If you must let off some steam, buy a Ken doll, beat it mercilessly against the curb, and then back over it a few times with your car. Let loose a primal scream into your pillow. Go to the gym and spend the money on a session with a sparring partner who can handle your jabs.

And then move on.

If he continues to harass you--and it is harassment--send him a cease and desist letter. If he doesn't stop, follow it up with a restraining order.

Under no circumstances should you have contact with this dbag again. He'll get his in the end, all by himself. They always do.

[nighthouse66]

thanks guys. i am going to check out that video right now. and you are right, yzette, i do feel very angry at myself as well, which sort of inhibits my ability to really let the anger go. i am right now drying my sheets and bedclothes so maybe when i am making the bed i will just punch the damn thing and imagine its his face.

i appreciate it, guys. like i have said before, there is something about a forum that lets you get more personal because i feel foolish letting my friends know i let myself down again. so i thank you , faceless yet really cool folk, for adding your two cents. : )

[donie1]

Originally Posted by Yzette

In all honesty, it sounds like you also might also be angry with yourself for letting this raging dbag back into your life.

Tell him once (and once only) that you no longer wish contact with him. Then change your numbers, block his email addresses, and move on with your life. If you must let off some steam, buy a Ken doll, beat it mercilessly against the curb, and then back over it a few times with your car. Let loose a primal scream into your pillow. Go to the gym and spend the money on a session with a sparring partner who can handle your jabs.

And then move on.

If he continues to harass you--and it is harassment--send him a cease and desist letter. If he doesn't stop, follow it up with a restraining order.

Under no circumstances should you have contact with this dbag again. He'll get his in the end, all by himself. They always do.

I agree with Yzette. Sometimes we put ourselves back in those situations so I think you are angry and him and yourself. And then with what happened with your friends, the situation with him is overwhelming. Take time for yourself and get him out of your life for good.

[h886]

This man is toxic. Plain and simple. Maybe he has some decent qualities, maybe you wish you could be friends in a different world, but for YOU, he is toxic. Cut this guy out of your life. Completely.

In some instances you can hang on to exes as friends after a breakup. You already tried that, and I think you put forth a good effort to make it workable. It didn't work. He is behaving abusively, he makes you feel bad about yourself and you feel like you have to answer to him. It shouldn't have mattered WHAT you did on that trip, or why you didn't answer your phone. You don't answer to him and you guys aren't together. Don't give him that kind of power. He shouldn't have ANY power.

I would absolutely walk away from this man. I would stop answering the phone. I would send him a certified letter or email (something in writing) informing him that you wanted no more contact with him, and that any more calls or texts would be recorded and used to apply for a restraining order. Don't be ugly about it and YOU can't contact him any more either, but don't allow this man to bully you any longer.

This is not a guy you will be able to be casual friends with. I'm sorry and I can tell you don't want to hear it, but this is not a healthy situation for you. Your body is trying to tell you that with this unmitigated rage, and you aren't listening.

[43north87west]

Get. Away. From. Him.

Until you can do that, you will continue to experience nothing but the same. If you make excuses about why you can't avoid seeing him or talking to him then you are simply perpetuating the situation. You have to get away from him and drop it entirely.

[415_s2k]

Originally Posted by nighthouse66

hi folks, some of you may remember a previous thread i posted a couple months ago regarding an emotionally abusive boyfriend. it was quite a leap for someone who thinks of herself as being able to tell the creeps from the good guys to have to admit that one flew in on her, and i got alot of good advice from you guys, and so now i am hitting you up again! and forgive me, this is a bit long, it takes some explaining so please bear with me....

i started talking a bit with the ex. over the past couple months we have had a couple drinks and generally these dissolved into arguments. finally, because we have so many mutual friends, i felt like it was the better thing to just put down the swords because i knew he would be there at certain shows that i worked (i do visuals for bands sometimes) and that i had to put some stuff aside. we run in the same circle and i am definitely not a grudgeholder. but i feel like he has turned my good nature against me this time.

we were hanging out a bit more over the past few weeks, and we had started to tiptoe into the territory of our problems and though we did not have sex or actually get intimate, it seemed that he took this as a hopeful sign. one night at a show that i worked, he was there, and i was feeling sort of confident and got out my most fabulous white glam coat to wear and was getting alot of attention from men and also from people complimenting my visuals. i handed out alot of cards that night and i wasn't getting much of a chance to talk to him nor did i feel obligated to do so. that night he went home and told me later that he didn't sleep at all, and sobbed over the phone with me in a way that i have never heard before. he said he realized what he had lost, and that my visuals were so good that night and i had always inspired him, and being the kind of person i am who isn't cruel by nature i just told him that i was sorry, i didn't want him to be in pain, and that you never knew what may happen. bad idea.

a few nights later he had called me from work, and i had called him back but he couldn't talk. no big deal. later that night a friend calls, an old friend whose band shared a bill with mine and who i had actually made a short film with. who was a GUY. i keep pretty strange hours sometimes so he was housesitting and staying up all night, and invited me down to this cool beach cottage in seal beach. i got down there around midnight but had gotten lost on the way, and while i was lost my ex had called me. i didn't answer, i didn't feel like i needed to give account of myself and i have never been the needy sort of woman who would ask who was at his studio. he would just say, "oh, some people are coming over tonight to record". i just don't pull that sort of needy stuff, i am not a needy person, or a particularly suspicious one.
well, this little innocent visit has sparked a war between us which is actually sort of breaking my health down at the moment. i am not accustomed to feeling this level of hatred for someone. and i know it isn't healthy. in short-
he called me a liar because he misheard something i had said about the time i had left- i had gotten there at night and left in the morning, but he thought i meant i had left to come home at night, which meant i was there for a full day. i mean, nothing went on. me and my friend are just that- friends. old friends. we drank, sang songs, just had a good time. but my ex keeps insinuating and writing me emails and calling me three times a day with voicemails starting off with, "what are you hiding from me? you always claim to be a straight shooter but you lied to me, what were you afraid to tell me that you couldn't answer your phone that night?" i mean, i have never cheated on anyone and he has constantly accused me of horrible misdeeds that have no basis in reality. when i had to go home to GA for a couple weeks in october because my mother had cancer, we were still (somewhat) together and i was staying with him til i could find a new place, and when i got back i was a bit emotionally tired out and so i wasn't responding to him sexually with the zeal that he found usual. from this, he deduced that i had been with other people in GA, and not only that, that i feared that i was pregnant, because i didn't make a big deal about condoms (i was a day or two from my period so i didn't feel it a danger, i know, probably bad idea but i didn't). he told me, "i knew that if you had gotten pregnant around that time, it wouldn't have been mine".

for someone who thinks of themselves as having a strong moral compass, who doesn't lie, who doesn't and never has stepped out with other men, who makes a point to be honest and righteous in their dealings with other people, it just makes me feel so freaking small, and dirty, and like he has not at all learned about the person that i am or worse, knows that i am good but wants to make me feel crappy, in which case he has succeeding, which makes me feel MORE crappy, and so on.

so these things are swirling in my head and i have refused to answer his texts or voicemails, in fact when he has called a time or two i pick up the phone and hang up so he can't use the voicemail. but i have sent him some scathing emails about how much i hate him, that his cruelties and doubts about my integrity have finally driven me to a place of total, complete disregard. and the fact is, that i do not want to feel this way.

the anger is so all consuming that when i am doing other things, whether it be exercising, laundry, or whatever, i burst into tears. i just want to punch something. after his disregard for me at traumatic periods of my life, of his incessant devaluing of my emotions due to my merely being a "hysterical female", to his constant paranoia about other men (and i have never cheated EVER on anyone in my LIFE, ever!!!!!!) i just feel like a mess right now. i don't know how i can get over this anger. i don't remember hating someone so deeply since i was a child. being that i am struggling with unemployment, my best friend from high school whom i had searched for for ten years and found on facebook dying of a drug overdose five days before (she died on the fifteenth of december, i found her on the twentieth and had to find out because i read her wall on her FB- heartbreak is not the word), to another friend dying of cancer in prison, to other strange and baroque heartbreaks over the past few months, i just feel finally pushed right up against the wall by this added stress. he has to suck on my psychic energy one more time and i am smart enough to know that this anger is crippling too, but i can't help it. i literally feel like i could run him over with my car and it would take at least a half hour for me to start to feel bad about it. (lol) sorry for the black humor, im not really a murderous woman. i just don't deserve it and i just don't know what to do. it goes without saying that he is dead to me, but what's left? how do i work through this stuff?

Sorry to hear all that.

The best thing I can suggest you do, from having been in a couple similar situations, is to more or less take this mindset towards him:

1. I am no longer in a relationship with you.
2. What I do is no longer any of your business.
3. What I do does not affect you at all.
4. What you do does not affect me at all.
5. I owe you absolutely no explanations for my actions.

Whenever I've broken up with someone, I've generally understood that we've broken up, i.e. are no longer an item. Even if we're still cool with eachother... the fact of the matter is that if I had tentative plans to be at the same show as an ex and say "hi" and whatnot, I'll still do what I can to follow through, but again: we aren't a couple.

A woman who I lived with and was engaged to and I broke up about five years ago, and it was not really much of a "clean break" - property division, etc. Literally, the night that we broke up, she had a date with a woman she worked with, after she'd sworn up and down that she was "going to take it slow" and "be alone" for awhile. I guess that she felt the compulsion to charge out of the closet was too great to resist.

Did I find it distasteful? Mm, somewhat, I guess... not really. I found the fact that she elected to call me and tell me about it distasteful. I mean, a few weeks after I got back to LA, I ended up sleeping with and dating a mutual friend of ours whom my ex had a massive crush since they'd first met, and I felt no compulsion to call and tell her all about it like she was my BFF because in my mind.

[samston]

Mediate and relax. Listen to calming music.