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I need some marital advice. I’ve been married to my husband for over two years and we’ve been together for a little over 7 years. He is 28 and makes about 30k a year. We live in metro DC which is a very expensive area to live in. We have one child also. He has flipped, flopped a lot with his career and had a total of 4 jobs since we graduated from college. I make over double what he makes and it really bothers me. I hate to be that way but it just does. He chose a degree in which its almost mandatory to get a Ph.D to really make any money in it. He is still all over the place with what he is going to do with his life. I’ve encouraged him to go to graduate school and to look for a better paying job, neither of which he takes seriously. He also frequently comments that he is going to win the lottery so he’s not really worried about anything. He spends probably $25-50 a week on playing the lottery and scratch off games, it’s really annoying cause winning the lottery is not a great life plan in my opinion. It just seems to me that he has no plan in life as far as career goes.
Also, recently two of our mutual friends just quit their jobs to be stay at home moms. I asked my husband about this and he said its unlikely because he is still figuring his career and life out and I bring home the most money. I’m starting to become resentful towards him over this. I never thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but now that I have a small child I just want to be with her all the time. Is it wrong for me to expect a man at his age to have more of a settled career plan and to make more money?
I need some marital advice. I’ve been married to my husband for over two years and we’ve been together for a little over 7 years. He is 28 and makes about 30k a year. We live in metro DC which is a very expensive area to live in. We have one child also. He has flipped, flopped a lot with his career and had a total of 4 jobs since we graduated from college. I make over double what he makes and it really bothers me. I hate to be that way but it just does. He chose a degree in which its almost mandatory to get a Ph.D to really make any money in it. He is still all over the place with what he is going to do with his life. I’ve encouraged him to go to graduate school and to look for a better paying job, neither of which he takes seriously. He also frequently comments that he is going to win the lottery so he’s not really worried about anything. He spends probably $25-50 a week on playing the lottery and scratch off games, it’s really annoying cause winning the lottery is not a great life plan in my opinion. It just seems to me that he has no plan in life as far as career goes.
Also, recently two of our mutual friends just quit their jobs to be stay at home moms. I asked my husband about this and he said its unlikely because he is still figuring his career and life out and I bring home the most money. I’m starting to become resentful towards him over this. I never thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but now that I have a small child I just want to be with her all the time. Is it wrong for me to expect a man at his age to have more of a settled career plan and to make more money?
I don't envy you because I would be resentful as well.
I think you are well within reasonable expectations. Maybe your husband doesn't understand how much this is bothering you. Not sure the best way to put it too him either. I am so direct as to sound abrupt, people get their feelings hurt and nothing gets accomplished. Most men I have been around don't deal well with that approach.
Maybe what you might consider doing is seperating the finances and what give him a budget to work with. Tell him what his portion of everything is and give him an "allowance" (not literally but just give him a figure out of which he can spend on what he wants). Fact is, maybe once he actually SEES where the money is going, he may think differently about spending on things like lottery tickets and wasting his money. Don't get me wrong, I think spending a dollar or two here and there is fine but at the rate he's going he's spending a pretty good amount on a hope and a prayer. Good luck. I've always kept money seperate and find that it works pretty well.
Maybe what you might consider doing is seperating the finances and what give him a budget to work with. Tell him what his portion of everything is and give him an "allowance" (not literally but just give him a figure out of which he can spend on what he wants). Fact is, maybe once he actually SEES where the money is going, he may think differently about spending on things like lottery tickets and wasting his money. Don't get me wrong, I think spending a dollar or two here and there is fine but at the rate he's going he's spending a pretty good amount on a hope and a prayer. Good luck. I've always kept money seperate and find that it works pretty well.
I tried to rep you but it wouldn't let me. excellent post and your ideas were great ones IMO.
I need some marital advice. I’ve been married to my husband for over two years and we’ve been together for a little over 7 years. He is 28 and makes about 30k a year. We live in metro DC which is a very expensive area to live in. We have one child also. He has flipped, flopped a lot with his career and had a total of 4 jobs since we graduated from college. I make over double what he makes and it really bothers me. I hate to be that way but it just does. He chose a degree in which its almost mandatory to get a Ph.D to really make any money in it. He is still all over the place with what he is going to do with his life. I’ve encouraged him to go to graduate school and to look for a better paying job, neither of which he takes seriously. He also frequently comments that he is going to win the lottery so he’s not really worried about anything. He spends probably $25-50 a week on playing the lottery and scratch off games, it’s really annoying cause winning the lottery is not a great life plan in my opinion. It just seems to me that he has no plan in life as far as career goes.
Also, recently two of our mutual friends just quit their jobs to be stay at home moms. I asked my husband about this and he said its unlikely because he is still figuring his career and life out and I bring home the most money. I’m starting to become resentful towards him over this. I never thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but now that I have a small child I just want to be with her all the time. Is it wrong for me to expect a man at his age to have more of a settled career plan and to make more money?
THAT would have to stop. Immediately. Making half what I do, I could live with. But throwing that money out the door, I could not. No way.
I need some marital advice. I’ve been married to my husband for over two years and we’ve been together for a little over 7 years. He is 28 and makes about 30k a year. We live in metro DC which is a very expensive area to live in. We have one child also. He has flipped, flopped a lot with his career and had a total of 4 jobs since we graduated from college. I make over double what he makes and it really bothers me. I hate to be that way but it just does. He chose a degree in which its almost mandatory to get a Ph.D to really make any money in it. He is still all over the place with what he is going to do with his life. I’ve encouraged him to go to graduate school and to look for a better paying job, neither of which he takes seriously. He also frequently comments that he is going to win the lottery so he’s not really worried about anything. He spends probably $25-50 a week on playing the lottery and scratch off games, it’s really annoying cause winning the lottery is not a great life plan in my opinion. It just seems to me that he has no plan in life as far as career goes.
Also, recently two of our mutual friends just quit their jobs to be stay at home moms. I asked my husband about this and he said its unlikely because he is still figuring his career and life out and I bring home the most money. I’m starting to become resentful towards him over this. I never thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but now that I have a small child I just want to be with her all the time. Is it wrong for me to expect a man at his age to have more of a settled career plan and to make more money?
The lottery is known as paying the "stupid tax" because the odds of losing far exeed the odds of winning. Show your husband his after-tax earnings - probably brings home close to 20K, if he is spending $50 a week, that exceeds 10% of his take-home pay. My advice is to try to get him to trim it back, that extra 2K a year could be used for the betterment of the family including paying for those necessary classes needed for the PHD.
To some couples, like wife and I, it doesn't matter who makes the most. When we first met, she was making almost 3 times as much as I was, but she has a Bachelors Degree compared to my H.S. Diploma/some college classwork. During the 10 years we've been married, she has always made at least double what I have......didn't bother either of us at all. I'm currently unemployed and headed for early retirement (SS), but my wife totally supports me in doing that. Finding a job at age 61 is extremely hard! Now, spending that much on the Lottery, on a weekly basis, is definitely something I'd insist on him stopping. People can really get caught up and "think" they will win. My wife plays the Lottery, but only once or twice a month and then for only $10 each time. Shoot, I can put $20 into a slot machine and have better luck than winning the Lottery.
Some spouses really have a problem with their spouse when they know they can do much better in their career/salary and live in an expensive area plus have a small child. But, on the other hand, you've been with this dude for some years, had a child AND married him KNOWING he isn't nearly as motivated in a career as you. This isn't a problem that just occurred......it's been going on!
I need some marital advice. I’ve been married to my husband for over two years and we’ve been together for a little over 7 years. He is 28 and makes about 30k a year. We live in metro DC which is a very expensive area to live in. We have one child also. He has flipped, flopped a lot with his career and had a total of 4 jobs since we graduated from college. I make over double what he makes and it really bothers me. I hate to be that way but it just does. He chose a degree in which its almost mandatory to get a Ph.D to really make any money in it. He is still all over the place with what he is going to do with his life. I’ve encouraged him to go to graduate school and to look for a better paying job, neither of which he takes seriously. He also frequently comments that he is going to win the lottery so he’s not really worried about anything. He spends probably $25-50 a week on playing the lottery and scratch off games, it’s really annoying cause winning the lottery is not a great life plan in my opinion. It just seems to me that he has no plan in life as far as career goes.
Also, recently two of our mutual friends just quit their jobs to be stay at home moms. I asked my husband about this and he said its unlikely because he is still figuring his career and life out and I bring home the most money. I’m starting to become resentful towards him over this. I never thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but now that I have a small child I just want to be with her all the time. Is it wrong for me to expect a man at his age to have more of a settled career plan and to make more money?
Since you make twice what he does you should look into having him be a stay at home dad. Then he can work on school when he has down time. $60K isn't bad and is well above average for DC. Granted your combined $90K is that much better.
Also make sure you're resentment is justified and not just a manifestation of women's instinctive hypergamy.
He sounds like my ex! He would always brag about how he spent a semester at oxford and got scholarships for being part of a trivia team and blah blah blah. But he was a waiter when I met him, he told me he was planning on going to law school. Two years later, and 5 other "career plans later" (getting mba, studying to be an architect, back to law school, wanting to open up his own bar, etc.) he is managing a dive bar and getting help from his father. He is 29 and has no plan of going back to school or anything.
We broke up for many reasons, but this was part of it. Its sucks dating someone who is passionate about nothing besides bragging and getting laid.
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